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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

560 replies

Babysharkdodo123 · 18/10/2023 12:01

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

OP posts:
Spottyblobby · 19/10/2023 07:17

YABU I would expect that once the initial physical recovery of birth is done & you are out of the woods to some extent (3 + months in, some semblance of routine etc) then household chores/life admin would become more of the stay at home persons day. 2 reasons

  1. Stay at home person gets to spend more time with baby, working parent once home should just hold/coo over/ have some time with baby to bond/get to know each other. That bond is more important than household chores being 50/50.
  2. You chose to have a baby with your lovely partner, I am assuming you quite like them? Why would you want your evenings & weekends to be spent doing chores when it could be spent doing things together? Why not smash as much of that stuff out as possible during the day so that in an evening you can chat/have a bottle of wine together etc. rather than doing chores.
I will add as a caveat, when I had a baby at home my older one was at school so this is a big difference which I respect. If your day is that overwhelming & there is physically no time in the day for housework I would consider doing a month of shared parental leave (you can return for a month on full pay/he stays home that month on SPP) it’s a great way to understand the challenges that each other is facing & come back with a greater deal of empathy. Everyone I know that has used SPL has found it to be a positive experience.
Blahblah254 · 19/10/2023 07:20

SilverLining28 · 19/10/2023 05:31

Gosh there's a lot of judgement going on here. We have no idea about how each parent is finding transitioning to being parents to two DC or how much housework OP is doing during the day. She is just asking whether during non office hours is the house maintenance, admin jobs, general life tasks still all on her or should her DP also take a role.

I'm astounded how many women are still under the illusion we live in the 1950s, I'm astounded how little thought we give ourselves whilst lifting up paid work on a pedestal, and I'm also astounded how, when there is not shared responsibility whilst one parent is a SAHP, people are then surprised when it falls to the mum when she goes back to work after mat leave?!

For this specific example I'd say OPs job looks different now and, in the same way as when she was doing paid work, prioritisation needs to take place. Kids first, housework and life admin second. If there's space in the day to do housework and life admin then that can be done within reason (don't go killing herself and end up resenting DP / spiralling about how much there is to do). However we all know that plans don't really work when regulating two small humans. The vet appt time could have been discussed before making it to avoid assumptions from both parties about who would take the dog. Neither is in a good position too as it would be difficult for DP depending on the flexibility of his job and start time, and it would be difficult for OP as she will be managing an animal and two humans at an early time in the day.

In short YANBU and we should be supporting each other more. Not pulling each other down to the expectations of our grandmas.

This!

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 19/10/2023 07:22

I have to say that if roles were reversed , I was going out to work and DH was as at home and planning on going out socialising whilst there was a huge mound of laundry, that is expect him to do that before he went out and I woujd not expect to have to do it when I’d been at work all day.

I wouldn’t expect him to not go out and have fun, but I would definitely expect to have at least the bare minimum of chores completed.

LAMPS1 · 19/10/2023 07:22

Sounds like a lot of resentment on both sides…a kind of race to the bottom about who can get away the most, with ignoring the normal domestic work of the household.
Specifically, the 8.30am vet appointment would be difficult with a toddler and a new baby …but doable with a bit of forward planning. If the dog is suffering, I would expect you both to be keen to take it to the vet instead of both dragging your heels. If it’s routine, simply arrange a more convenient time.
And I see no reason why you can’t sort the laundry pile up before it even becomes a problem if you aren’t out of the house all day. It’s harder to get on top of it all if you let it mount up.

A bit of understanding from each of you over the other’s situation would help.
Have you stopped communicating ?

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2023 07:25

Your baby won't learn to be put down unless you teach them. You can get a sling which helps you carry a baby while doing work. You can encourage your child to be confident out of your arms but within sight.
I agree with this.
When there's threads like why can't I get anything done with my 5 year old. They won't play on their own so don't suggest that it's always eye opening how many people seem to think that other parents are naturally blessed with 5 year olds who can colour or play with Lego or watch a show on cbeebies without having parent as entertainer. It's obviously never crossed their mind that getting shit done with an older child comes from years of age-appropriate down time.

The culture of (usually mum) mum guilt, marketing of baby classes, sensory play and all that guff have done a number on us. It's all based on the idea that if you're a good parent you'll sign them up to sensory classes, baby music, baby massage, baby yoga, have a beautiful tuff tray on the go, have the perfect play shelf set up.

Babies get sensory experience from the world around them. They don't need class after class and beautifully created enriching activities one after the other for every waking minute.

It's the norm in many parts of the world to babywear an infant and have them with you doing whatever the parents are doing. It seems like a fairly modern UK/western world thing to act like loading the dishwasher or hanging laundry out is impossible because baby.

FloofCloud · 19/10/2023 07:29

It's a hell of a lot easier for you to sort laundry out on the day, shopping, cooking etc. When DH gets home all jobs are shared. Even if you're out seeing a friend you can easily fit in laundry

Vet trip would be tricky with kids so book at a sensible time

It's all about pulling together, not snickering at each other

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 07:29

So if you’re on maternity leave you’ve swapped your job for childcare. Fine. Let’s pretend that’s a straight swap. On top of that, though, you’re adding the recovery from pregnancy and childbirth. On top of that maybe you’re adding lactating and learning to breastfeed (and teaching an infant to!) Plus now you have a night shift as well. And your day starts earlier than before and finishes later. And once you’ve got breastfeeding settled there’s only a short window before you add weaning and all the cleaning that comes with it. Then they’re crawling, cruising, climbing and can’t be left alone for a second. But on top of this you’re meant to suddenly start doing the bulk of household chores that were previously shared more equitably? Because the man is working? So you get nine months reduced pay, career damage and reduced pension contributions, and all the extra work, and he gets nine months break from his chores, and probably doesn’t pick them up when you go back to work? Why? What’s the point of him, then?

babyproblems · 19/10/2023 07:34

I’ve done a complex vets appointment with a toddler and can confirm it’s carnage. The vet was very kind and gave him some equipment so he could ‘help’. You can imagine the scene. I was v apologetic.
DH did childcare the next time!!!!!

Appleontherocks · 19/10/2023 07:34

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2023 07:25

Your baby won't learn to be put down unless you teach them. You can get a sling which helps you carry a baby while doing work. You can encourage your child to be confident out of your arms but within sight.
I agree with this.
When there's threads like why can't I get anything done with my 5 year old. They won't play on their own so don't suggest that it's always eye opening how many people seem to think that other parents are naturally blessed with 5 year olds who can colour or play with Lego or watch a show on cbeebies without having parent as entertainer. It's obviously never crossed their mind that getting shit done with an older child comes from years of age-appropriate down time.

The culture of (usually mum) mum guilt, marketing of baby classes, sensory play and all that guff have done a number on us. It's all based on the idea that if you're a good parent you'll sign them up to sensory classes, baby music, baby massage, baby yoga, have a beautiful tuff tray on the go, have the perfect play shelf set up.

Babies get sensory experience from the world around them. They don't need class after class and beautifully created enriching activities one after the other for every waking minute.

It's the norm in many parts of the world to babywear an infant and have them with you doing whatever the parents are doing. It seems like a fairly modern UK/western world thing to act like loading the dishwasher or hanging laundry out is impossible because baby.

I see it all the time where parents now bring toys and activities to entertain their kids on a short train ride through London. Literally little penelope and maximillian on the floor of the train doing some sort of puzzle thing. Fucking crazy!

Cornflakes44 · 19/10/2023 07:40

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 07:29

So if you’re on maternity leave you’ve swapped your job for childcare. Fine. Let’s pretend that’s a straight swap. On top of that, though, you’re adding the recovery from pregnancy and childbirth. On top of that maybe you’re adding lactating and learning to breastfeed (and teaching an infant to!) Plus now you have a night shift as well. And your day starts earlier than before and finishes later. And once you’ve got breastfeeding settled there’s only a short window before you add weaning and all the cleaning that comes with it. Then they’re crawling, cruising, climbing and can’t be left alone for a second. But on top of this you’re meant to suddenly start doing the bulk of household chores that were previously shared more equitably? Because the man is working? So you get nine months reduced pay, career damage and reduced pension contributions, and all the extra work, and he gets nine months break from his chores, and probably doesn’t pick them up when you go back to work? Why? What’s the point of him, then?

This, completely.

MigraineOfSalt · 19/10/2023 07:44

How much laundry do you have? One load a day should be possible and then your husband can help with sheets etc at the weekend. If I was at work, I would be irritated at my husband being home and not touching the washing.

If you keep on top of stuff it doesn’t have to become overwhelming. You need to sit down properly and discuss roles and expectations.

The money comment was dickish though. That would piss me off massively.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 19/10/2023 07:48

Taking two kids to a vets appointment is ridiculous so one of you should take the dog and the other stay home with the kids. We have a dog and that’s what we do.

If I was asked what I was doing today I’d have given the same answer as you as that’s the interesting thing I’m doing, but I’d have thrown some washing on before I left/done whatever jobs I could have done around her kids. Some days that’s a lot; others it’s very little! My kids are 2 and 6 and it’s still like that when DH works Saturdays; some days they need more attention than others. But my DH is home two days a week with the toddler so he gets that (and he’s worse than me at getting jobs done around her!)

Mumto1boyo · 19/10/2023 07:52

Sorry but I'm a SAHM and I do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry. As husband works full time. What I do is do cleaning when toddler is napping or allow a lazy day to get it all done in one go. So toddler watching a movie or TV.
I have told DH that if we have a second child, then the standard of tidiness will be a bit slack for a while and he understands this. On weekends DH does more so I can have a break but sometimes weekends are 50/50.
I did worry that I wasn't getting everything done and DH thought I was sat on my arse all day. But DH understands. Sounds like your DH is a bit of a dickhead.

Missdemeanorz · 19/10/2023 07:53

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 07:29

So if you’re on maternity leave you’ve swapped your job for childcare. Fine. Let’s pretend that’s a straight swap. On top of that, though, you’re adding the recovery from pregnancy and childbirth. On top of that maybe you’re adding lactating and learning to breastfeed (and teaching an infant to!) Plus now you have a night shift as well. And your day starts earlier than before and finishes later. And once you’ve got breastfeeding settled there’s only a short window before you add weaning and all the cleaning that comes with it. Then they’re crawling, cruising, climbing and can’t be left alone for a second. But on top of this you’re meant to suddenly start doing the bulk of household chores that were previously shared more equitably? Because the man is working? So you get nine months reduced pay, career damage and reduced pension contributions, and all the extra work, and he gets nine months break from his chores, and probably doesn’t pick them up when you go back to work? Why? What’s the point of him, then?

Can you please specify how many chores you are currently doing?
It's important to remember that not everyone lives or manages a household like the one in Downtown Abbey. Some women are deliberately difficult over this subject (Especially those pushing an agenda), but it's important to prioritize the well-being of the family unit. At the end of the day, the family and the children's needs should always come before career goals and national insurance payments.

Mikimoto · 19/10/2023 07:53

So...what DO you do all day* while at home with a 4-month old, who presumably now sleeps all night

(*apart from the yummy mummy meet-ups, of course)

Mumto1boyo · 19/10/2023 07:57

@Mikimoto that's a bit unfair. We don't know how OP gave birth. It might have been traumatic and she's still in pain. I know I was for ages and DH did night feeds for me too.

Theunamedcat · 19/10/2023 08:03

Being on mat leave isn't all about navel gazing at your baby life does go on

Just book the dog in for another time and take the baby with you

ASCCM · 19/10/2023 08:07

SchoolQuestionnaire · 18/10/2023 22:30

Her ‘job’ is to recover and look after her baby before she returns to her actual job.

I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

I assume that you are a single parent but op has a husband so I don’t see why she should have to do everything when there is another adult living in the house. She’s a wife not a skivvy. If my dh threw the fact that he was ‘earning the money’ back in my face while I was at home taking care of our children (and saving him a fuck-tonne on childcare) I wouldn’t have been there when he got back. He’s a fucking knobber.

Show quote history

You assume wrong. I have been, with a full time job office based and still had a clean and organised house! . But now I’m married but as I actually like my husband and value the time we have together I don’t save all the jobs until he gets home at 7pm! Much rather have a glass of wine on the sofa with him or go out to dinner or relax. He cleans up after dinner and does the ironing and various other things , but we have better things to do in our time together than:

a) all the things I could have just done in the day but didn’t in order to make a point about equality
and
b) argue over who does all the jobs in our home to make a point about equality

Cornflakes44 · 19/10/2023 08:08

Mikimoto · 19/10/2023 07:53

So...what DO you do all day* while at home with a 4-month old, who presumably now sleeps all night

(*apart from the yummy mummy meet-ups, of course)

This is such an ignorant comment. Did you even read the OP. She has a toddler with her most of the time. And she probably does what most mothers do, playgroups, park, meeting up with friends, things for the kids. The stuff that a lot of posters here seem to think is super indulgent, we should all just be in the house, ignoring the kids and doing the laundry. Also most 4 months old don't sleep through the night. I suspect you don't have kids so I probably shouldn't comment on what life is like with them.

JennyBee23 · 19/10/2023 08:10

You're being completely reasonable, especially if you're going back to work.

Any little tasks that you take up will fall off your OHs radar and you'll be nagging him forever once you're back, or doing it all yourself plus work.

I'm just coming to the end of my mat leave, was lucky enough to take a year and a lot of my new mum friends are already burning out 3 months into their new jobs because their husbands are lazy bastards who expect that wifey managed on maternity so why should he be dealing with the kids now. No way, I do the same chores as I did pre-maternity and husband still has his. No wiggle room for him to dump his share on me, I was busy with the baby and I'll be busy when I'm back at work

Cornflakes44 · 19/10/2023 08:13

@ASCCM I'm interested in how your boss feels about you taking time out from your job to do all the housework for the whole family? Or do you not give yourself a lunch break? Or get up before everyone else?Fine if your goal in life is to make life easier for your husband but not everyone wants that kind of relationship. I certainly wouldn't.

Mikimoto · 19/10/2023 08:18

Cornflakes44 · 19/10/2023 08:08

This is such an ignorant comment. Did you even read the OP. She has a toddler with her most of the time. And she probably does what most mothers do, playgroups, park, meeting up with friends, things for the kids. The stuff that a lot of posters here seem to think is super indulgent, we should all just be in the house, ignoring the kids and doing the laundry. Also most 4 months old don't sleep through the night. I suspect you don't have kids so I probably shouldn't comment on what life is like with them.

Show quote history

Most 12-week babies are sleeping through the night. Plus they're zonked out various times during the day. Unless she's doing marathon-distance park walks, she still has time to turn the washing machine on.

ASCCM · 19/10/2023 08:20

Cornflakes44 · 19/10/2023 08:13

@ASCCM I'm interested in how your boss feels about you taking time out from your job to do all the housework for the whole family? Or do you not give yourself a lunch break? Or get up before everyone else?Fine if your goal in life is to make life easier for your husband but not everyone wants that kind of relationship. I certainly wouldn't.

I work flexitime around 40 hours a week. I get up at the same time as my kids (6.45) they leave the house for school at 7.45 ( this is first year no school run so that has helped ) so I spend an hour here , hoovering emptying the dishwasher putting on the wash, tidying round making beds, bathrooms etc. then I start work at 8.45. We are encouraged to take regular breaks ( like you would in the office by getting a drink etc) so I’ll hang out the wash then, put in more, get the dinner prepped etc. I don’t always get a lunch as busy. Once finished I’ll do the dinner and any little jobs then that’s it - as soon as we’ve eaten I sit down, I used to clean the bathrooms as I went to bed but I tend to do that in the mornings now if I can.

to be clear though, my goal is to make life easier for myself , not my husband ( he often says I should do less) but I work much better in a clean and organised home, I’d find it very difficult to concentrate on work in a mess.

Hugosauras · 19/10/2023 08:22

Here's the thing OP. Your husband has absolutely no idea how bloody hard it is looking after a baby and toddler all day, day after day. He thinks that going to work is hard. Yet most of us women have been in full time work prior to having kids and by comparison know that it's an absolute breeze!! So, I think that you should reschedule the vets appt for a Saturday morning, get up early, leave the kids and dog behind and swan off for the day. When you return you can then critique the state of the house.

I have read all your posts and wholeheartedly agree with you. It's the assumption that you are not working looking after kids and that you shouldn't have a lunch break, despite no doubt being up half the night. Of course men need to be well rested to do their important jobs. Do these men not realise that caring for the safety of their children is the most important job that you could have and that you equally need to be alert.

My husband was so much more supportive than yours. But then he knew full well that had he ever commented on the state of the laundry, he would have had his bundled up in bin liners and it left outside with all his other possessions.

EarthMamaLee · 19/10/2023 08:24

You are completely correct. I’m also on mat leave with a 4 month old and a toddler and some days it is literally a case of survival, just find time to eat, wash, entertain the toddler whilst feeding a fussy baby and other days are easier and you do have time/energy to do a few bits around the house.

Dont let anyone on here belittle or bully you and don’t let your husband do it either!

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