Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

It depends whether he is paying for you to be off work. If he is, then it's fair enough to expect you to do a bit more around the house. You can eat drink and shower while the baby is awake anyway - as well as most household tasks, in short bursts.

If you're funding your own maternity leave then 50 50 housework and childcare would be fairer.

Either way though, get a washing machine. It will save you hours!

I think OP doesn't have a washing machine and is having to do it all by hand? Not sure how it's incompatible with going out for the morning or caring for a toddler if all she's doing is turning on a machine then spending 10 minutes hanging it up 3 hours later?

I'm conscious that this question is going to make me sound a bit of a git. But don't people sit down and talk and plan major life changes in advance? Isn't that just normal?

@Saoirse82
There isn't a minute to do anything unless they are both napping at the same time
Seriously? you're completely unable to do anything when your kids are awake? I'm sorry but that ridiculous.

What did I just read?! Paying for her to be off work?? She’s taking care of his baby. Her maternity leave is a joint expense that has a long-term financial impact on her pension and career.

I think you need to plan things a bit better between you. Taking the dog to the vet would be best done by one person whilst the other has the kids. I wouldn’t want to be taking the dog to vets just before I went to work-any sort of problem/traffic would make me late.

If I was working full time and we were drowning in laundry, I would hope DH could get through some of it alongside meeting friends for coffee

My house was never cleaner or tidier than when I was on mat leave! It takes a minute to put a wash on and then to sort it when baby is napping. A minute to run the hoover. I got so much done on Mat leave I don’t know why women say they are too bogged down with the baby when they’re not.

Because your baby is not their baby. They have a different experience to your. Easy for you but a nightmare for others. Also maybe because they don't want to do all the housework. Because why should they?

We're you raising children or a pack of wild animals? On what planet is working from home in your average demanding professional job easier than minding two children, one of whom I in nursery sometimes. I was on maternity leave with two and worked very much part time for two years at one stage and it was tedious occasionally but an absolute piece of piss compared to having to do most of the same work on top of 40 hours paid work. I went for long walks, went to the playground or swimming, played with the children, volunteered, met friends, worked a little and still managed to keep a largish house in good shape, cook lovely dinners and not be a haradin. And very crucially, I was my own boss and organised my time to suit myself. I happen to have a lovely and very rewarding job - which many don't have - but still it has its frustrations and stresses and ultimately I am stuck in front of that computer 7 or 8 hours a day.

When I was on maternity leave I did 100% of the laundry and I still do the bulk of it now when I’m back at work. I think it just needs to be fair and even out overall.
When my husband is washing the kids I put the laundry out to dry so we are both doing something. There’s always something to do and it’s a team effort.
The vet should be discussed and booked at a convenient time for both but that should prob be done by your husband as I’m assuming you can’t take your 4 month old with you.

As I said earlier-when I was a SAHP I prioritised family time and dp spending time with his children and free time for me. When he wasn't at work I wanted him to be with his children, not hoovering. And I wanted to spend the weekend either doing family stuff or lying on the sofa reading and drinking wine on my ownZ

Sounds like with his new promotion he thinks he is also your boss.

How convenient that he is now expecting you to do even more with two children and ongoing recovery.

He sounds like a bit of a dick with his attitude.

Get back to work asap and hand more over to him.

His attitude would give me the ick.

Let him do his own laundry.

When I first gave birth to my son I was a stay at home mum and my husband worked full time. For the first 18 months I was in a lot of physical pain so I struggled with things like hoovering. However because my husband worked full time I did the majority of the housework focusing on the important things. I always made sure we had clean dishes, bottles and clothes and that my son always had milk and food. My husband would do the things that were too painful for me to do like hoovering, taking the rubbish out etc.
Our son is disabled so 12 years later he still requires 24 hour care but my husband and I have changed roles a couple times over the years.
We tried both working part time so we could share our son's care a bit more.
Now I work full time and my husband is a stay at home parent.
We have 3 dogs and get text from the vets one month before their boosters are due. At 3 different times during the year.
My husband just calls the vets and makes an appointment that is convenient to him.
Usually about 9.30 in the morning so it is after our son has gone to school but early enough so my husband still has time to do whatever he wants during the day.
It isn't difficult to organise a vet appointment at a convenient time.
If after a long stressful day at work if I then found out I didn't have any clean clothes to wear to work the next day I would probably be slightly annoyed if my husband just couldn't be bothered to do any washing. It takes minutes to put clothes in the washing machine. I usually put my son's school clothes onto wash every evening on a quick 15 minute wash but a 15 minute wash isn't long enough for a full load. I also do bath times and a few other quick jobs but my husband does the main bulk of the housework, shopping, phone calls, school stuff, due to him being a stay at home parent and me working full time. He still manages to find time every day to watch TV, speak to friends and work on his car and go swimming with our son's school once a week.

This! ☝️

Of course you should be doing the household jobs you are the one at home, you should also be booking any necessary appointments for times that are more manageable. I would hardly expect my husband to go to work all day then come home and do jobs that could have been doing while I was at home. Obviously you should have some time to go and do things with friends but that doesn't mean everything at home just gets left.

YABVVU
Sorry but I was on maternity leave with newborn twins and a 3.5yo and still managed to keep on top of the laundry and cleaning etc. No I didnt do it everyday, but I did it enough that it didn't become too much.
Your DH is not unreasonable to expect a little more from you when youre at home and hes out at work. My DH still helped out alot and did his fair share but I also acknowledged it was easier for me. I was able to leave the kids for a few minutes here and there to pop the washing machine on or run the hoover. Its not impossible and shouldn't even be an issue.
Now im back at work and wfh I can still manage to keep on top of the laundry and cleaning, even whilst working 8 hours a day. Its not even about him being a man and having these expectations from you as a woman, its about doing the right thing and taking responsibility instead of making excuses. You cant tell me that its impossible to spend a few minutes doing household chores, sounds more like you just dont want to

If you intend to return to work, you are not a SAHP in my eyes and so should continue to share chores as you did prior to the kids coming along.

Agreed

Yes, he should be splitting childcare and household stuff when he's not working so you both get breaks, etc, but you should be doing a lot of this stuff during the week to free up time for both of you at weekends.

I don't think there's much value in comparing what the OP is capable of achieving on mat leave with what other posters are capable of achieving because there are so many variables that we aren't privy to.
For example, a (hypothetical) mother who keeps a perfect house and supervises multiple kids sounds impressive but they might be cutting corners elsewhere- maybe they let the kids have half an hour of TV while they get their chores done, maybe they have a grandparent help out from time to time, maybe their kids sleep better because they're given bottles not breastfed etc.
I'm not judging any of those things of course, but unless we can see all the parenting decisions collectively then it makes no sense to say that just because another mother gets the laundry done everyday then every mother should be able to. The mother that doesn't get the laundry done every day could possibly just as easily judge the organised mum for something else.

What matters is that both the OP and her DH are doing their best to pull their weight, and that any imbalance is addressed. If it's too much for them to collectively handle despite their best efforts then they need to see about getting outside help.

In our house whoever is not out at work does the life admin and housework. It tends to fall to me too do paperwork but dh will do any jobs I outsource to him.
During mat leave the housework fell to me because I was home, when I went back to work we spread it more evenly.
I don't think it's unreasonable to get the washing done or do a vet run while you're home.

It isn't a race to the bottom. Both are parents both have work /child related duties - the rest should be 50/50 why should it be less?

... So he works a 40 hour week, does the bedtimes, another 5 hours, then hangs out with the kids on a Saturday for another 5 hrs. Then he needs to do half the housework which you estimate to take several hours a day. When does he see friends for coffee?
After the first six weeks mat leave is convenient for childcare but it doesn't stop you picking up the slack so your partner CAN spend time with the kids when they're not working.
Your job whilst on our lovely long mat leave is to keep house. It wasn't so long ago that you went back to work when the kids were 3 months old. It's not a partnership if you're expecting your OH to work, do childcare and be a good parent, it's exploitation.

@muggart
they might be cutting corners elsewhere- maybe they let the kids have half an hour of TV while they get their chores done, maybe they have a grandparent help out from time to time, maybe their kids sleep better because they're given bottles not breastfed etc.
you ARE judging, you're judging mothers who bottle feed, allow tv saying they are cutting corners; therefore not the gold standard mother.
None of these things is cutting corners, we all do things differently.

Her ‘job’ is to recover and look after her baby before she returns to her actual job.

I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

I assume that you are a single parent but op has a husband so I don’t see why she should have to do everything when there is another adult living in the house. She’s a wife not a skivvy. If my dh threw the fact that he was ‘earning the money’ back in my face while I was at home taking care of our children (and saving him a fuck-tonne on childcare) I wouldn’t have been there when he got back. He’s a fucking knobber.

When i was a sahm i did the majority of the housework, because it was easy to run hoover around , stick a wash on etc when dc napped or were content on chair etc , dh worked from 7 am until 6 pm and then when home spent time with the dc normally , incl bathing etc whilst I generally cooked tea. Then weekends we both chipped in and did more thorough cleans etc. i had def more free time being at home , meeting for coffees etc where as DH was working non stop so was happy to pock up vast majority of housework mon- fri.
for me being a sahm was the best and easiest job i have ever had and my dh would of loved to of been able to be a sahd but money never allowed.
but when ae both worked if he had day off looking after dc if ill etc he would always do a bit housework as well or if he had some annual leave for childcare he would do housework alongside childcare where possible.

What Lilliputian houses is everyone living in that hoovering takes “a minute”? And of course OP can stick a wash on and has said she does, she’s not sitting around. But four month old babies are tricksy hobbits and putting the wash on is the easy, one-minute part: hanging it all out and putting it away is the ballache if there’s a baby glued to your boob/teething and fractious/sleepless and fractious, or a toddler demanding attention who can’t be left alone with the baby for that minute. Her job is recovering from pregnancy and birth and looking after the baby, first and foremost. She is also not her husband’s employee. And if he’s so good at spotting the laundry and finding time to hound OP about it, he too could put a wash on. It only takes a minute!