Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

What I'm adverse to is the expectation that the SAHP does everything because the other parent works.

But thats not why people are saying it. People are saying there should be an even split of "labour/work".

Housework is really not that time consuming compared to a full time job. What most people are saying, is that all the household chores & life admin, can be easily fitted into far fewer hours than a full time job consumes each week, so why shouldn't the none working parent be able to handle them?

I'm excluding from that

1. caring for children/taking them to activities etc outside working hours: so no, the DH shouldn't be fucking off to the golf course sans kids for half of every saturday.
2. Preparing family meals outside of working hours - this should be shared
3. clearing up daily mess on weekends.
4. being engaged with ones own children - attending their parents evenings, hearing them read, helping them practise a hobby, teaching them to ride a bike etc.

Agree with this totally, having had two babies who you couldnt leave in a bouncer/playmat/whatever for more than about 5 minutes before they'd get hysterical. There were times when it couldn't be avoided, especially with DC2 as DC1 sometimes had a more urgent need, but it was always horrible and I wasn't willing to prioritise much housework when it meant distress for them. If I'd had a baby that would happily play alone or sit and watch me then of course I would have done more housework and rightly so. But I didn't.

Bumpitybumper
It's not patronising. It's a fact of life.

There's been an explosion of classes, sensory play group, baby massage, baby yoga, all with the expectation placed on parents that if they're not spending every waking minute "making memories" and running themselves into the ground with endless enriching activities then they're somehow shit parents. Same with the in perfect playroom displays, the right tuff tray activities, the day packed with endless entertainment. Nobody is a shit parent for letting their children have some down time (whether that's so the parent can have a cup of tea or because the laundry needs loading in the machine).

I wasn't harping on to less developed countries in particular. There are a lot of countries around the world who don't buy into this expectations of primary caregivers being endless entertainers.

Many Nordic models of parenting involve elements of free play and not carting around babies to endless classes. There's some interesting takes on French parenting and how they teach patience. Babywearing is done in many different ways around the world and the children remain with parents. It isn't a "less developed" country practice. It's a practice that exists in many cultures and countries.

The idea that a parent in the UK can't stick a load of washing on because it's bad for their toddler to have 10 minutes without super duper enriching experiences is nonsense.

I’m currently on maternity leave with a 7 month old and nearly 3 year old. My husband does his fair share when he is here although he works away during the week or he will entertain the kids whilst I get jobs done, he doesn’t expect me to get everything done whilst I’m home with 2 kids and he’s away at work.

Having said that I do 99% of the laundry (husband does his work clothes), it takes 2 minutes to put the washer on, 5 minutes to hang it out when it’s finished (can easily be done during nap time) and I put it all away once the kids are in bed.

But why would you book a vet appointment for 8:30am when you know you have 2 young children to juggle? Book it for the middle of the day when the oldest is at nursery and you only have baby to juggle.

Absolutely this.

But you are not a nanny, i agree not everything should be down to you to do. But laundry should be done as you go, there us no excuse to have piles of dirty washing, it takes seconds to put a wash on. Having a c section is not a reason . That was 4 months ago, i had 5 c sections and still did everything as normal, yes you should be out an about with friends and going to groups. But thats not an excuse to not do housework

The idea that a parent in the UK can't stick a load of washing on because it's bad for their toddler to have 10 minutes without super duper enriching experiences is nonsense.”

this sums it up perfectly! Don’t see how anyone could argue with this!?

But the DH can also stick a load on if it only takes seconds? Instead, he’s basically given OP a directive of what he expects her to do with her day, when as the one at home with the baby she presumably knows best what it entails and what’s achievable. She’s also said that she does plenty of housework as she goes along, and has never said that she expects to give her toddler nonstop enrichment 24/7. People on this website just make up shite.

I love this and sometimes need to hear it myself @Coffeerum

LuckySantangelo35
No idea.
I've had friends with really high needs babies who were super fussy, and they tried different things until they found what worked for their child. They'd have a cup of tea and load the dishwasher whilst baby napped, or their DH would load the washing machine in the morning before he went to work and friend would hang it out at some point in the day. They tried a few different carriers to get the one their baby liked.

Other people I know had contact naps with their baby and then had playpens, yes zones, high chairs, baby carriers, all sorts. Others would work out what they couldn't do with their fussy baby awake and did it when the baby was sleeping, or they'd realise that Chore A was never going to happen with their Baby around so they'd do Chore B instead that they could do whilst baby was safe on the playmat next to them (eg folding laundry/putting the food order in).

Maybe my friendship group is weird but across a whole range of parenting styles and baby temperaments, nobody has said that their default position is that housework can't be done because they need to provide enriching experiences all day.

This! I don't know what it is in this country, but why do kids need tons of activities all the time. Why do they have to be out each and every day. Fgs op, set up some things for your toddler to play with and get on with some chores. I have a baby too so I know how tough it is at times, but there's no way I'm dragging the kids out each and every day just to make myself feel better that I'm doing 'outdoor stuff' with them. They can do plenty at home. Spoke to a friend yesterday who had such a tough day because she took the kids out in the rain and it was a nightmare. So I asked her why did she have to do that. And she just said she felt like she had to. Why in this country do people pump their kids with so many things and no downtime?

spitefulandbadgrammar
Yes, she is doing things but the AIBU that was asked was
So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours?

Followed by what they want to be doing is taking DC out to enriching activities, not being at home doing laundry and cleaning.

I don't think for one second OP should be doing everything. I've also said that the husband is wrong if he thinks he can leave a chore list, but I also think it is unreasonable to expect household chores to be split 50/50 in non working hours so oen person can spend their days on endless enriching activities.

There's also been lots of posts suggesting it's unreasonable for a parent at home to be doing chores for endless reasons. It really isn't that unreasonable for any parent at home (mum or dad) do do some chores during the day instead of wanting it 50/50 out of working hours.

What's this got to do with the OP though? Where does she say she never has 10 minutes for her toddler outside of a planned activity and where does she say she never does any laundry?

People seem to keep posting about the extremes on both side times tbh when I would have assumed most people would be somewhere in the middle. I assumed OP also was, as she's already stated she does some housework and laundry! Just that she doesn't/can't do absolutely all of it, which is entirely reasonable given she has two little ones to care for.

👏👏👏

@WeightoftheWorld People seem to keep posting about the extremes on both side times tbh when I would have assumed most people would be somewhere in the middle. I assumed OP also was, as she's already stated she does some housework and laundry! Just that she doesn't/can't do absolutely all of it, which is entirely reasonable given she has two little ones to care for.

Well people are looking at it in the extreme as OP herself was the one to state that she thinks anything house related should be 50/50 split with her DH, even while he is out at work full time and that is exactly what most people disagree with.
Sure OP has said she is doing some but most people disagree with her on the pov that she should only do the same amount as a parent who works full time out of the home.

WeightoftheWorld
I think it's because the AIBU was whether it's reasonable to split a long list of basic household jobs in non working hours, followed by that they'd rather spend their time entertaining a toddler and baby, they'd rather be doing enriching things rather than cleaning or doing laundry.

The scale has slipped too far if OP is doing everything, which I've acknowledged. I've said quite openly there needs to be a serious discussion about the situation if DH is expecting her to do everything.

It doesn't mean the solution is for domestic tasks to be split in non-working hours though.

Like you say, it's really not that unreasonable to hold a middle ground, which is what most people do.

During his non working hours DH should be taking an active role in his/your household. It's called parenting and being an adult. You are not his nanny, maid, cleaner ect.

Personally, I'd return to work. DH doesn't respect you or what you do. Go back to work and split everything proportionally to your incomes. Then split all the household and parenting tasks down the middle. Also, insist on an equal amount of downtime.

You are either a team or you aren't. If you aren't then maybe you need to consider your options.

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours?
I wonder if this is a question of phrasing, because what I think she’s actually asking is “in non-working hours, should we share chores?” (Because her DH isn’t doing chores in his non-work time.) And people are interpreting it as “should chores be delayed until non-working hours” (even though OP does do chores in the day).

This, despite OP clarifying that she does housework as she goes along, but that she also (perfectly reasonably!) wants to go out for coffee with a friend (socialising is vital on maternity leave for preventing PND and isolation), wants some coparenting/household assistance from DH outside of his working hours so she doesn’t have to corral two children and a dog to the vet, and wants to take her toddler out – everyone’s taking the piss out of “enriching experiences” but for all we know that means “stick them in a puddle suit and jump in puddles on the way to doing the big shop”. And MN is full of threads advising that toddlers need 3 hours running around each day, that getting out of the house is important, that some small children only sleep through if you take them to the park and exercise them like a dog. (Speaking of which, I’m assuming OP does the dog walks, which cuts into her household chore time.) Thankfully my daughter has settled into a “pottering around at home is fun” phase but we definitely had the “swings x3 a day” phase to endure.

And her DH is refusing to help with the dog even though it falls outside his working hours, and heavily hinting that she should be doing laundry instead of seeing a friend, even though he is surely capable of sticking a wash on when he finishes work or hanging it out beforehand. Which is all the OP is asking.

@spitefulandbadgrammar

he can! It’s something they can both do.

all I’m saying is that op does not have to devote every minute of her day to engaging in stimulating and enriching activities with her kids.

It’s really important that kids learn to be able to entertain themselves and tolerate a bit of boredom and that Op gets time to herself to do things that need doing housework wise eg sort out a wash and also time to do stuff for just herself eg blow dry her hair or whatever.

basically I’m telling her to take the pressure of herself - she doesn’t have to be some ‘supermum’ with every waking moment dedicated to the kids!!

Yanbu, men seem to start resenting woman on maternity leave as if it’s a holiday and expect them to do everything the when that have kids on their own for a day they’re frazzled and place a tip. They seem unable to put themselves in anyone else’s shoes and alway have to make out they have it harder!

@LuckySantangelo35 where has she said she thinks she has to dedicate every minute to enriching the kids? I'm sure like all parents she has some space away from them during the day, but I think the point is, should she spend this 'break' tidying or does she use it to make herself food, have a shower, make a call? From this thread it sounds like every second should be spent in industry, otherwise youre lazy, or not coping. I don't see why she has to slog her guts out doing everything when her husband only has to work.

@Babysharkdodo123 , with respect in my opinion he is doing these things for you and it’s very sad you can’t be grateful when your partner helps you. You are at home all day, you get time to socialise with friends during what you think of as your working day, I’m pretty sure he does not. I’ve been there with two small children and I know it’s possible to run the home and look after them. Being a stay at home mother (which you are at present) is a traditional role which I believe should be respected. The stay at home parent is the backbone of family life. Your child goes to nursery twice a week I believe? What on earth do you do during that time?
Were you looking for people to criticise your husband and back up your venom? I can’t do that but I will say the way he is approaching his obvious frustration with the situation is not especially helpful, you two need to have an honest discussion about your expectations of this situation and you both need to be prepared to listen to the other and be reasonable. Good luck.

@Cornflakes44

op said

” I want to be taking them out to enriching activities not sat at home all day whilst I do laundry and cleaning!”

that to me implies that. I’m saying she can do a bit of both, doesn’t have to be one or the other.

Some people really do make life difficult for everyone. Is the 'normal' thing to do these days not to take kids to toddler group/ swimming or whatever in the morning, wear them out, have lunch, put them for a long nap then do chores? It was the routine all my group had when ours were little.
I can't imagine leaving the house when washing etc needed doing with no plan to do it (ie when I got back for instance). Why would you do that when you are the one most able to fit it around your day?
There is so much nonsense spoken about looking after children at home now. From the ridiculous posts about not being able to have a shower through to posts like this one. And the idea that looking after the children is your 'job' to the detriment of anything else that needs doing is just idleness, tbh

Thank you, you have said exactly what I meant but far more articulately than my rambles! Perhaps it's genuinely just a misunderstanding then that people haven't understand what OP actually meant. I took it exactly as you've described.