Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

If it's only "an hour or two of housework a day", DH can do it. Problem solved.

This thread is very enlightening. Now we know where all the feral children come from. They're the ones left alone in infancy to cry their eyes out so Mom can have a spotless house.

Totally agree with tbat

Sweet Jesus, again with the emotive language 'chained to the kitchen sink'. Even if the OP spent a solid 2 hours a day on housework which would probably be the very most needed, it would still leave her at least 6 hours (of an 8 hour 'working' day) to do all the other things, some of which may be a bit tedious but many of which can and will be enjoyable. Once the dad is home, he can and should usually spend time with the baby and toddler doing play, bath, bedtime etc which depending on how you look at it can be considered either tasks or pleasures (and depending on how the form is!).

It is not an either or situation, family life should be mutually supportive and not a race to the bottom to see who gets to do the least. Part of life - no not necessarily the MOST important but important nonetheless- is running a clean and functioning home with good food. The person who at a given time has the most time to do that should mostly do it!

But many posters aren’t advocating for OP to do an hour or two housework a day. (Which, incidentally, she already does: “I'm totally not adverse to cleaning and laundry and do them all as I'm going along anyway. What I'm adverse to is the expectation that the SAHP does everything because the other parent works. Also, I do chores etc where I can when baby naps but during that time I also have to eat, shower drink etc. I don't see working parents having to use their lunchbreak to decide whether to shower, mop the floor or eat?”)

This thread is full of women falling over themselves to compete for “well when I had triplets and no legs I did every single chore at home, so hubby could arrive home from his hard day at the coalface of sitting at a desk playing Solitaire and enjoy family time”, and suggesting OP does the same.

I would love to send some people back in time to see what a life of being genuinely chained to the kitchen sink meant. I grew up in Ireland where even in my generation families of 6 or 8 children weren't uncommon, go back further and it was 10, 12, 14. With no dishwashers, washing machines and husbands who generally didn't lift a finger. It is actually insulting to try and portray OP's life or indeed most contemporary people's lives as being even in the same realm. Our lives are infinitely easier in many ways, infinitely more complex in other ways and every family has to negotiate fair division of what are necessary tasks regardless of ideological baggage. To suggest that for OP to do some additional tasks during the working day to enable family life overall to run more smoothly is flinging her into some kind of servitude is utterly ridiculous and ahistorical.

Also there are multiple studies to show that how children grow up to view gender roles and tackle housework equitably is primarily influenced by how much housework they see their dad do, far more than whether they see their mother go out to work. It’s important that when getting children involved in chores it’s not just mum leading the way and teaching them; they need to see dad (if there is one in the household, obviously) not just doing housework but taking charge of it (ie not asking mum “what needs doing”). If the SAHP is female and does the majority of housework, that sets up the next generation (male and female) to view household tasks as the female domain, regardless of who does the paid work.

If we want to see our daughters do less of the housework (as it’s proven that on a population level, women do more than men), and our sons do more (to reach their fair share), dads who spy that the laundry needs doing should do it, instead of ordering their wives to.

Tbh I think that as a SAHP your job is looking after children and household stuff - so yes, I do think you should have arranged vet appointment for when your other LO is at nursery, and keep on top of laundry. Of course you can also meet your friend, but your job is looking after the household and children.

@spitefulandbadgrammar I disagree, I can't see a single poster saying the DH shouldn't have to lift a finger. Just a general consensus that the person at home should take on the majority of the chores, just as the person out all day is bringing in the majority financially. OP said the thinks all household tasks should be shared equally and that is clearly what most people disagree with.
"So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours?"

I totally agree with you. What’s with all the pressure to do classes and shame if you don’t!

Possibly the most ridiculous post on here. If anything its older adults who will be the most feral ones by that logic as women had to do way, way more housework back then with less mod cons and more children compared to today.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP)

He is being unreasonable about the dog's appointment. It is ridiculous to expect someone to take a 4 month old baby and a 22 month old and a dog to the vet to get the dog's boosters. Bloody nightmare. DH should have made an appointment at a time to suit him and taken the dog or discussed it with you and looked after the children at home while you took the dog.

I do think that you should be doing more housework than him as you at home during the day but he cannot expect that you do everything just because he's going to work earning the money. You have to care for the children and that will take up most of the day at that age.

The whole thing needs to be discussed now though, before there are any problems in the future when you go back to work and he has got into the habit of doing nothing.

This is SUCH an important point. How are you role modelling to your daughter if you do everything - housework, childcare, cooking etc.

No thanks - my daughter’s going to grow up knowing her worth as more than a cook/cleaner.

A cook, cleaner but also drinker of coffee, visitor to friends, pusher on swings and playmate. Plus a million other things Doing a few hours of housework a day at this moment on their lives where the OP simply has more time to do it is not going to turn her children into some drudge who sees that as her role in life. Now if when OP goes back to work and if she were working similar hours, etc to her husband and STILL doing 2 extra hours a day that he wasn't doing, then that really WOULD be a different story. But this is not that! I absolutely agree though that very clear conversations will have to be had in advance of that return, otherwise things can get very unfair or at least there can be problems adjusting.

What an absolute load of bullshit. Sorry, but this is just patronising and insulting. It's actually possible to have BOTH happy, well-raised children and a clean house. Why the fuck should DH, coming home from work, then be expected to take on 2 hours of housework, when a SAHP has been "home" all day but has chosen to take a lovely walk in the country, meet a friend for coffee, go to a baby group etc etc A SAHP or someone on Mat Leave (after the first six weeks or so) should, in normal circumstances, be taking on the majority of that. Anything that he or she genuinely can't get done (and that's different from just choosing not to do it) should be shared. The level of entitlement on this thread is something else.

It is not ok to say that as SAHP, your only job should be looking after the children. If you want someone to only do that, pay a nanny. It's not realistic and it's not fair to say that a SAHP should benefit from the nice lifestyle of staying at home (and yes, that applies to mat leave as well after the statutory entitlement) and then not expect to pick up more of the household chores.

Children don’t need to be the centre of your focus every minute of every day. Relax a bit op, take a bit of time to do some laundry and stuff for yourself too - paint your nails or whatever you like doing!

Toddlers are a lot more work, so it can be tricky to get much done when you need to constantly have eyes everywhere.

But in this case the toddler is in nursery for part of the week so OP just has the baby.

It is ridiculous to suggest that looking after one baby takes up a full day. Loading the dishwasher, meal planning/basic prep, laundry, basic cleaning can all be easily managed. Bigger jobs like changing the bed linen, cleaning bathroom etc should be shared equally on a weekend.

Realistically, it’s not more than an hour, probably less most days, per day for anyone on MAT leave. The rest of the time OP can meet friends for coffee, play with the baby, or even have a snooze if the baby is napping.

None of this housework impacts bonding with the baby. It’s still perfectly possible to create a stimulating and enriching environment without having piles of unwashed laundry or a dirty kitchen.

The OP said her DH has just had a promotion so he’s obviously not “just sat in the office playing solitaire” as PP suggested.

Once you’ve recovered from the birth, MAT leave isn’t carte blanche to do as little as possible while expecting your partner to put in a full day of work to enable that. If the roles were reversed and a bloke was at home with a baby, pretty sure most women would be pissed off that the partner at home with way more free time hadn’t even bothered to chuck a laundry load on.

I was a single mum with SEN twins so I do know that some days are just a bloody nightmare. And of course it’s much harder when the toddler isn’t at nursery. But part of the “job” when you’re a SAHP is getting through some of the chores too. It’s important that your partner shares the load on weekends so you both get child free leisure time.

There's been quite a lot of discussion about how Covid and the lockdowns/lessened social opportunities has had, and is still having, a detrimental effect on young children's development, in all areas. Seemingly simple things like going to a park or encountering a parent's adult friends are very important.
Meeting a friend for coffee is important for the parent, who could otherwise become isolated; and being exposed to new and different people, adults and children both, is essential for the baby's physical health and social development. As are baby groups, obviously. Walks/fresh air are also essential for the baby and parent's health and well-being.

And yet you seem so keen to denigrate 'looking after the children'.

You're not going to be with your friend all day presumably? 😊So just chuck on a load when you get back x

On a slightly different note, as a SAHM going on for 8 years now, you should make sure he pays into a private pension for you during this time, that was the best advice I received.

These types of things are important for both parents. But basics like a roof over your head, utilities, a clean environment and food obviously need to come first. The first two are provided by the partner continuing to work, then the second two can be taken on much more by the person at home.

I've no idea why you're trying to paint it as an either or scenario. It is perfectly possible to stick on a wash, wipe down the kitchen and the bathroom and go on a walk with a baby or meet a friend in the day.
If the person at home is only focusing on going to the park, meeting friends for coffee and getting walks in the fresh air in the week when does the other parent get to do those things too if all the basic chores still need to be done after 6pm every evening?

People seem very quick to suggest the working parent has it easy, gets to see adults etc but women seem to quickly roll back on this when they return to the workforce. Turns out commuting into an office every day, doing a full day of work surrounded by people you haven't chosen and working to deadlines isn't classes as 'me time' afterall!

Wow. Are you living in some sort of 1950’s timeslip - or are you a man ? You’re making a lot of assumptions about what the OP does and doesn’t do aren’t you ? Including that things aren’t being done, just because they’re not being done to his timescale. I agree that if the older child is in nursery two days a week, then that’s the time to get as much of it done as possible, but from OP’s post it seems pretty clear that she is expected to do everything because he’s going to work and earning. Massively unreasonable and there’s no reason that the stuff that OP can’t get around to can’t be shared in his non-working hours.

I never said the parent at home shouldn't put a wash on etc. My point is that activities like socialising seem to be being trivialised by some posters, when actually they're very important.
As an aside, I've read many times on here, and heard from women IRL, that going back to the office DOES feel like me-time compared to looking after babies and small children.

Men doing more than their apparent "fair share" during their partners' maternity leave is such a non-issue compared to the women who end up doing it all when they go back to work.

Tell him he's not your manager and the laundry will get done when it gets done, OP.

Life admin? Outsource? Ugh.

But I do agree with your post. Whoever is at home does the bulk of the home stuff.

You've entirely misunderstood me. Looking after the children is really important, as is getting out and about with young children.

It doesn't have to come at the expense of keeping the household chores up as well.

Such typical Mumsnet finger-pointing and accusations of neglectful parenting or denigrating looking after the children 😂.

I'll say it again: you can easily do both, in normal circumstances.