Page 11 | Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

Katy123456 · 19/10/2023 09:21

Your not being unreasonable, but neither is he. With two kids and a dog, and work for one of you, there is just a lot to do and it's easy to both feel like your doing more than your fair share.

I find that we resolve this type of thing a lot easier if we both come at it with the above attitude.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 19/10/2023 09:34

If you are on maternity leave then presumably you are still financially providing.
To then be expected to do all the childcare and all the housework seems an unfair division.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 09:37

@Katy123456 This is very sensible and something easily forgotten when both parties do invisible work! I think the best division of labour really is when one person does the whole of a task and the other person does the whole of another task – rather than taking it in turns to put a wash on, dry a wash, put it away. I find that just leads to either one person bearing the brunt of it if they’re a “just do it” type versus a “I’ll get round to it” type, or neither of you do it because you expect the other to pick up the task.

In the case of the vet appointment, if the agreement was the DH was meant to take the dog, he then should also have been the one to book it and put it in the calendar, owning the whole task.

InchResting · 19/10/2023 09:38

CurlewKate · 19/10/2023 09:04

This is such a non Mumsnet thing to say and think. But when I was a SAHM I was aware that my dp was doing a shit commute and working at a very hard stressful job and missing his children fiercely, my job involved a lot of playing in the park in the sun with those children and drinking coffee with my friends. Obviously there were tough bits to my job too-but the good bits were so very good.
Also- on my bad days, I knew that he would come home and happily take those children and do whatever needed to be done with them. I would a million times rather cook some dinner than spend another second with those children! 🤣 So fair does not mean equal.

And I am so sorry so many people seem to have had a shit time raising small children.

This was my experience, too. Raising small children was bloody brilliant - by far the best and most rewarding and most fun thing I have ever done. I might have felt differently if I'd also had to work.

SilverLining28 · 19/10/2023 09:40

What a sad view of the world and what a negative way to frame your opinion.

Don't listen OP. What you do in a week is most definitely not the definition of lazy. It sounds as though you're going to have well rounded children and fond memories of mat leave rather than looking back and thinking what did you do, because let's face it nobody remembers the laundry they put on 3 weeks ago and whether the floor was sparkling.

ThriceInALifetime · 19/10/2023 09:41

Does he ever look after the children on his own? I think when he's off you need to go out and leave him with the kids so he knows how hard it is.
My two are 21 months apart so had a baby and toddler too,it was so difficult especially as the baby didn't sleep for the first year.
Are you planning on going back to work? You can't be expected to do everything. My DH and I both worked 12 hour shifts. So he was looking after them on his own and knew how hard it was.
I had to get out most days too to take them to the park or classes,for my sanity as well!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/10/2023 09:47

ASCCM · 18/10/2023 12:26

You are completely unreasonable. Your job currently is to do all the childcare and housework you possibly can. Surely you can put a wash on and hang it up during the day? I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

Sure, he could have taken the dog, who arrange the appointment for that time? Why wasn’t it arrange when you have one at nursery? Better planning would help you all it sounds like!

Are you out of your mind?

her job is to bond with the baby. And to provide a positive and stimulating environment to the 22 month old.

her job is definitely not to do all the housework that would have been shared if both of them were still working FT.
and she definitely should not prioritise housework or chores (like bringing the dog to the vet) over childcare.

As for why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money. Well, that clearly shows that he values his contribution (money) more than keeping their children alive, happy and bonded to their primary carer.

JLM1981 · 19/10/2023 09:47

I'm currently on maternity leave with 4 children under 9. I do all of the life admin, appointments, laundry. I have a year off and feel I should- however it does annoy me when DH gives me direction e.g ' can you make sure such and such is cleaned today'. My baby tends to sleep 2 hours in the morning so I get all the laundry and cleaning done then and in the afternoon I get a coffee date or a bit shopping done before collecting the older children from primary school. If I didn't have such a good baby I would feel differently maybe but I do think the balance works. At the weekend when DH is off he shares the housework but Mon-Fri I cover everything.

Boymum2104 · 19/10/2023 09:51

Sounds like you have an unreasonable DH. I am on maternity leave. Yes I do majority of laundry and household chores etc but DH would never comment or criticise. He would never expect me to be staying in doing chores over going out for the day.

Hayliebells · 19/10/2023 09:53

To a degree I think YANBU, but then also a bit that YABU. It depends how demanding and full on your baby is really. If you're exhausted from lack of sleep, your baby isn't a napper etc, then you can't be expected to squeeze laundry into your day when you struggle to get enough rest. If however your baby sleeps well at night and it's napping for three hours a day, you should be able to do some housework. That's presuming you share childcare when your DH isn't working, if not then he needs to pull his weight more. With regards to things like the vets appointment, if it's something you can't easily do with kids in tow, I'd give your DH a choice, he can either take the dogs to the vets, or look after the kids. Noone needs to do both if you book the appointments for times when he's also available.

NumbersEverywhere · 19/10/2023 09:54

crumblingschools · 19/10/2023 09:02

@NumbersEverywhere there is a difference between maternity leave and being SAHP. You don’t go on maternity leave to do chores. It is a legal right to have maternity leave. The whole point of maternity leave is to recover from the birth and then have time with the baby. Then becoming a SAHP is a choice

Statutory mat leave for recovery is 2 weeks. Not saying that's enough by any stretch of the imagination but anything above the statutory minimum is legally a choice, if you're going down that road.

DaphneFrances · 19/10/2023 09:54

I have a 4 and 2 year old and a 9 month old. I take up as much slack as possible even taking the cat to the vets with 3 kids in my convenience and she has to go every 3 months. My partner wants to spend time with his kids too. When they are in bed he helps me clear up from dinner. At the weekend I always give him the choice of looking after the kids or doing the chores. When he’s home I want him being with his kids.

NumbersEverywhere · 19/10/2023 09:56

Boymum2104 · 19/10/2023 09:51

Sounds like you have an unreasonable DH. I am on maternity leave. Yes I do majority of laundry and household chores etc but DH would never comment or criticise. He would never expect me to be staying in doing chores over going out for the day.

Yes but that's because you are doing the majority of the chores, house is not a tip, laundry not piled up getting out of control. Your DH doesn't need to say anything to you or pass comment about going out for the day instead of doing housework because you're behaving reasonably anyway.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/10/2023 09:57

SilverLining28 · 19/10/2023 09:40

What a sad view of the world and what a negative way to frame your opinion.

Don't listen OP. What you do in a week is most definitely not the definition of lazy. It sounds as though you're going to have well rounded children and fond memories of mat leave rather than looking back and thinking what did you do, because let's face it nobody remembers the laundry they put on 3 weeks ago and whether the floor was sparkling.

Precisely.

why would anyone care about some laundry or dusty shelves?
a secure attachment, bonding, a safe and stimulating environment for the toddler… that seems truly important to me.

and OP being mentally and physically healthy is a priority as well.
Most people require socialising with their peers. Which she currently does not get unless goes out with the sole intention of meeting people. Like the coffee dates or “meeting a friend’s baby” so many SAHM of young children get lambasted for…

felisha54 · 19/10/2023 09:58

I don't see maternity leave as being the same as a SAHP. My job when I was on mat leave was to recover from the birth and look after and enjoy my baby and expose them to the world. I was never in the house to do chores and my dh never expected me too. I loved mat leave and thank god I spent it the way I did as I was only able to have once dc and I'd be raging if I'd spent it chained to the kitchen sink.

WRT the dog and vets. I wouldn't take small children with me. My dog is well trained but gets very anxious in the vets and needs all my attention to remain calm. I wouldn't want to have to manage 2 dc also.

Goldbar · 19/10/2023 10:00

Lots of crazy people on here setting the OP up to fail.

Don't listen to them, OP. There is absolutely no reason why your DH can't continue to do a fair share of the chores while you're on maternity leave, just as most working adults have to do. Is he expecting an easier life now he has 2 children?!

Maternity leave is a few months but the habits it engrains can last for years. Get into the habit of doing everything for the kids and house and you've screwed yourself over for when you start back at work. If your husband gets into the habit of letting you do everything, he's screwed himself over too - instead of a happy, equal partnership, he's on the way to a resentful partner and eventual relationship breakdown.

A lot of this can be avoided by standing firm at the moment. Tell him you'll do what you can but housework/cooking remains firmly a joint responsibility.

stylishnot · 19/10/2023 10:02

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2023 12:16

Well, my first question is why the vet appointment was booked for an inconvenient time? If neither of you could easily do it, book it for when you can.

As a general rule, of course things in non-work hours should be shared. During his work hours, you’re doing childcare.

The laundry thing would piss me off he’s said it, but I’d look at the piles and see if perhaps he had a point that a couple of loads did need to get shoved through.

Honestly this. My dh wouldn't dare speak to me so disrespectfully but if the roles were reversed and he was the sahp, I would be pissed off. Why couldn't you book it when your older one is at nursery? Also if there was work to be done(if there's piles of laundry) then I would be pissed at him meeting friends if that couldn't be done first.

Dh and I share everything when he gets home from work, but during the entire day that I'm at home with my 10mo and other dc then it's up to me to try get as much as I can get done.

GCSister · 19/10/2023 10:09

I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

Why would you do all the housework? You both work full time!!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 10:16

GCSister · 19/10/2023 10:09

I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

Why would you do all the housework? You both work full time!!

I can sort of see it makes sense if one person WFH that they do the “home” chores, but only if the other does all the “can be done online” chores – meal planning, big food shop, childcare and HMRC’s fucking insane tfc website (when combined with magic booking the whole thing is kafkaesque), family calendar, the 9m school apps. That way the WFH person spends their “commute” time and lunch break doing stuff, and the office person spends their commute time and lunch break doing stuff. I’d be hacked off if I did all the washing before work and cooking dinner and hoovering in my lunch break if my other half spent his commute reading a book and his lunch break gallivanting.

Silvers11 · 19/10/2023 10:20

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

Yes - YABU - to a degree at least. The thing is, you are not at work at the moment. Yes you have small children to look after but that shouldn't prevent you from doing at least enough 'housework' to keep things ticked over. I can't believe so much weight is being placed on the laundry being a problem for you to do. Heavy Cleaning might be too much, but YABU to expect to just spend time with your baby and do nothing else.

The vets appointment for the dog is ridiculous. Why make an appointment for 8.30 am, rather than on a day when your toddler is nursery and at a better time of day?

Mumof3children · 19/10/2023 10:25

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs

But you are not at work. You are home and your child is in nursery, so you are being unfair to think household things should be shared in non working hours. Meeting a friends baby does not mean you can’t put on a laundry load before leaving and hanging it up when you return. I have 3 kids, no family around, always worked part-time (hubby fulltime) and I always did the majority of the household tasks as I believe the parent who works less should do more in the house. When we’re all home, I want family time, not to be doing household tasks together when I could have done them during the day.
It sounds like you need to get more organised. The dog appointment should not have been made without first decision g who would bring the dog (and that person should have made the appointment for a time that suited them best).

crumblingschools · 19/10/2023 10:30

For those saying you could put a load of washing on before you go out, it is usually advised that washing machines (although not as combustible as tumble dryers) shouldn’t be left on when unattended

Bumpitybumper · 19/10/2023 10:31

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2023 07:25

Your baby won't learn to be put down unless you teach them. You can get a sling which helps you carry a baby while doing work. You can encourage your child to be confident out of your arms but within sight.
I agree with this.
When there's threads like why can't I get anything done with my 5 year old. They won't play on their own so don't suggest that it's always eye opening how many people seem to think that other parents are naturally blessed with 5 year olds who can colour or play with Lego or watch a show on cbeebies without having parent as entertainer. It's obviously never crossed their mind that getting shit done with an older child comes from years of age-appropriate down time.

The culture of (usually mum) mum guilt, marketing of baby classes, sensory play and all that guff have done a number on us. It's all based on the idea that if you're a good parent you'll sign them up to sensory classes, baby music, baby massage, baby yoga, have a beautiful tuff tray on the go, have the perfect play shelf set up.

Babies get sensory experience from the world around them. They don't need class after class and beautifully created enriching activities one after the other for every waking minute.

It's the norm in many parts of the world to babywear an infant and have them with you doing whatever the parents are doing. It seems like a fairly modern UK/western world thing to act like loading the dishwasher or hanging laundry out is impossible because baby.

This is a ridiculously patronising and simplistic post.

Discomfort is a massive motivator for humans. The vast majority of parents would opt for an easy life and a baby/toddler/child that doesn't place excessive demand on them and their time. I can assure you that high needs babies/children force parents to constantly engage with them. They don't respond to the obvious things that a regular baby/child does and it is incredibly wearing and draining for the adults involved. It's all a spectrum and some kids are naturally happy to spend time playing alone, some need encouragement to do so and others absolutely will not tolerate it. If you are in the middle category then it's easy to think, like you clearly do, that if only the parents of the difficult children would parent in the same way as you then the issue would be fixed and they would have a completely different, more pliable child on their hands. Smug and wrong!

Also you may think that little babies get enough stimulation from day to day life (I happen to agree)but there undoubtedly comes a point when the baby is older and they benefit from other experiences and more interaction. An older baby/toddler needs a parent that spends time talking to them, playing games with them, taking them outside everyday (very important), taking them to the park and groups to see and interact with peers. It's all important, time consuming stuff! A Speech Therapist that I know has said cases have sky rocketed because parents aren't taking the time to interact properly with their very young children. Everyone is desperate to multitask and little value is placed on putting undivided energy, effort and time into raising children.

Harping back to the past/less developed countries is also pretty desperate. We used to do all sorts of things with regards to raising children that have been emphatically proven to be terrible for them (allowing them to work long hours in dangerous occupations etc). Something being the historical norm does not mean it's the best thing to do!

Daisyblue77 · 19/10/2023 10:32

Wow. She is not a slave. They are a partnership. Shes looking after 2 small children while on PAID leave from work, shes got a small baby who takes uo her time and a toddler. Everything is nit her sole job. Also if you want to be a slave while also working from hone thats your choice but its not right, how exactly do you get any work done for for your employer

theleafandnotthetree · 19/10/2023 10:35

Daisyblue77 · 19/10/2023 10:32

Wow. She is not a slave. They are a partnership. Shes looking after 2 small children while on PAID leave from work, shes got a small baby who takes uo her time and a toddler. Everything is nit her sole job. Also if you want to be a slave while also working from hone thats your choice but its not right, how exactly do you get any work done for for your employer

How the fuck does doing maybe an hour or two of housework a day THAT ALSO BENEFITS THE OP HERSELF as well as the people she loves equate to being a slave? Language really has become meaningless.