to say mum or dad will need to take the day off

[lilyloleth]

I'm unwell at the moment. Suspect maybe covid. I'm very tired, feel nauseous, sore throat, blocked nose, coughing up suspicious looking stuff... blugh. Basically I feel like utter shit. I'm off work and have been since the start of the week. I can just about move from bed to the sofa and stay here most of the day apart from to drag myself to drop and pick up my toddler at nursery who so far seems to have avoided this plague!

DH is working until later on this evening. He has rang me this morning to say that older SS (12) is also now unwell and his mum was asking to drop him off here as she needs to go to work this afternoon.

I've said no unless DH is planning on coming home to look after him or his mum can take the day off.

Aibu saying either DH can come home or his mum can take the day off? DH is saying he can't come home and his mum is also saying she can't take the day off because they are understaffed.

I don't feel up to caring for myself let alone a sick child. And I may soon have a sick toddler to deal with too so need to rest whilst I can.

Tbh at 12 I wouldn't worry. They won't need looking after Just tell them you're staying in bed and they can fend for themselves. It might be nice to have them there as they can bring you a cuppa

If SS is normally with Mum today, then Mum needs to take the day off.

@Bogofftosomewherehot i phrased that first post badly. I explained in a further post I meant that if the OP wanted to swap dates or times for her convenience in the future the ex may be less willing to show goodwill if it’s not reciprocated. I also thought it was off that none of the adults in this child’s life seemed to want to help out when they were ill.

DH & I do do each other favours though eg mostly it’s equal but sometimes one or the other goes above and beyond which is appreciated & reciprocated on other occasions.

What has ‘liking’ your husband have to do with any of this? If my hypothetical husband expected me to take care of someone else’s child when I felt like hell myself, I’d not ‘like’ him very much. Having to look after your own kids when ill is part of the job of parenting. It’s something you have to struggle through when you’re ill and have to take care of your own kids, but no one would actively choose to look after kids when sick themselves. This isn’t a ‘must do’ situation, the op has a small window of time to herself whilst she’s ill and should take it without guilt. I’m currently recovering from the same symptoms as the op and it’s been bloody rotten, only doing what she must rather than ‘being nice’ is in her best interest.

OP clearly does not think that it would be nice / or beneficial to her.

Otherwise she would have readily agreed instead of starting this thread...

The parents of the ill SS should organise childcare and not rely on the already ill OP.

And if the teenager truly was as self-sufficient and not ill enough to need (or want!) any care... why can´t he be at his mother´s place and sit on that sofa with a cup of tea?

YANBU. Not unreasonable for the mum to ask the child's father (your DH) if he can help out, he's being unreasonable to ask you do it for him when you feel poorly.

Well if it wasn’t your step son but your friend’s child would you do it?! Personally I would do it either way, the child is old enough to lie quietly in bed without being much bother. Just needs an adult at home to keep an eye, so you are being unreasonable for not helping out. Since you are with the child’s dad and you are a step parent I think you need to step up and act like one.

Huh?

There is nothing to suggest that the OP expects her husband's ex wife to help out with their toddler. That would be...very unusual.

The 12 year old has two parents, neither of which is the OP. If the OP agrees to look after the 12 year old, she is helping. She isn't obliged to do so and is within her rights to say no, especially when sick.

The toddler has two parents, one of which is the OP and the other of which is her husband. If the OP's husband looks after their toddler, he isn't "helping", he is parenting. So no, he doesn't get to refuse to look after their toddler if OP doesn't help out with the 12 year old. It doesn't work like that. Both children are his responsibility. Only the toddler is the OP's.

It's called parenting their joint child not "helping the OP out with her toddler"

Sorry you’re so ill. Say no, don’t get into any back and forth. Hope your toddler escapes and your husband is a reasonable man. It’s his ex’s day, she needs to sort it.

IDK, unless he is a child that needs a lot of attention I don't think he will bother you all too much.

People asking what would they do if OP wasn't at home, well they would sort it. But maybe they see there is a different solution for this occasion.

I thought blended families and non blended families helped each other out. If I was already at home sick and my niece/ nephew of a similar age need somewhere to go for the day so the parents could keep working I wouldn't mind. So long as the parents dropped him off with all the easy to prep food he wanted as I would not be getting out of bed!

Also at 12 I was allowed home alone

There's also an added risk, if the 12 yo comes to the OP's house, that her toddler might catch whatever they both have.

I wouldn't want to take that risk, quite apart from not wanting to have to look after another child if I was poorly.

The cheek of it. Your child is in nursery, you are ill and then been asked to look after another sick child. The answer is NO, you are not well enough

100% this! ⬆️

If relations are normally friendly then I'd be fine with sharing 'the sick sofa' for a few hours in the spirit of mutual favours & genuine concern for my husband's other child, but if the poor lad is throwing up &/or seriously poorly then he needs to be at home l, in bed, with either his mum/dad/grandma etc. You can only be expected to do so much when feeling so ill yourself.

Depending on the 12 year old I’d be ok with this if they just needed me there if they’re going to sleep/be on their phone etc rather than ‘looking after’ like a younger child. I’d be clear that I wasn’t up to anything more though, as ask that they come with a packed lunch / snacks if necessary.

While I agree a 12 year old (based on my own 12 year old) would likely be no bother .. it is highly unlikely that the husbands ex will be looking after the ops child. And if the ops child is sick then the husband is equally responsible for looking after his own child.

Ps.i would say no to d&v if it were me and yes told a cold as per pp.

I can't believe the cheek of him and his ex asking you to look after their child,while you're so unwell.

They don't value you much, do they .

You are not being unreasonable. Sure it is inconvenient for parents to take time off when their kids are sick, but it's what they need to do - one or the other of them.

You're already struggling to pick up and drop off your own child.

You were right and fair to say what you did.

Which she can do.

*have had several 12 year olds. Both sick and well.

You are NOT WELL!!!!! That doesn't make you the default childcare department. One of his parents will have to take the time off to look after him.

Yanbu, you are ill yourself.

I'd stick to your guns and say no. You would still need to be the adult in this situation so clean up after the ss if he was sick, offer drinks and make sure they eat. I can imagine just wanting to rest if you feel as ill as you do and wouldn't want the responsibility of a sick child. Ss has 2 parents who are going to have to take some time off.

I’d do it for a 12 year old as they don’t need much care on the proviso that his mum sends a packed lunch or takes him to McDonalds or whatever on the way and he knows that you are ill and he will need to take care of himself.

You aren't unreasonable at all. SS has 2 parents and they need to sort it between themselves, at his age he should be able to stay home alone anyway but if they don't want to do that for whatever reason, it isn't your responsibility.