to say mum or dad will need to take the day off

[lilyloleth]

I'm unwell at the moment. Suspect maybe covid. I'm very tired, feel nauseous, sore throat, blocked nose, coughing up suspicious looking stuff... blugh. Basically I feel like utter shit. I'm off work and have been since the start of the week. I can just about move from bed to the sofa and stay here most of the day apart from to drag myself to drop and pick up my toddler at nursery who so far seems to have avoided this plague!

DH is working until later on this evening. He has rang me this morning to say that older SS (12) is also now unwell and his mum was asking to drop him off here as she needs to go to work this afternoon.

I've said no unless DH is planning on coming home to look after him or his mum can take the day off.

Aibu saying either DH can come home or his mum can take the day off? DH is saying he can't come home and his mum is also saying she can't take the day off because they are understaffed.

I don't feel up to caring for myself let alone a sick child. And I may soon have a sick toddler to deal with too so need to rest whilst I can.

You’re his step Mum and I assume (might be wrong) providing a parenting role for him. I’d say - ‘drop him round, you can both set up camp on the sofa and watch a film’.

I would probably say yes with the understanding that I am also ill, will not be a skivvy and if SS wants it needs something he needs to at least try and get/do it himself. The minute he becomes a problem, then DH or his mum will need to come get him.

A bucket to be sick into will avoid any mopping of vomit. He is 12.

Also surely the mum can send a packed lunch of the kid feels up to eating?

Fine to say no if you don't want to have him but the reasons you say are completely avoidable

I am amazed you are managing to pick your child up at nursery. Based on that I think unless he's a very needy child you should agree to let him come over. He may be able to help you out.

I think I would agree to have him, on the provision I didn't have to do anything, he'd be in bed/lying on the sofa and won't need any care , and if it turns out he does need care (cleaning up sick), you phone dh to come home and do that.

I disagree with pp's saying that there's no harm in asking. I wouldn't dream of asking someone who's sick themselves to look after my sick child. It shifts it onto you and makes you look like the big bad wolf for saying 'no', when in fact you're perfectly entitled to. Your DH and his ex need to sort it out between them.

No if your ill its up to husband and ex wife to sort.

Absolutely your DH needs to come home - he can look after his 12 yo and you, and pick up the toddler/ do the evening shift with them. Seems a good idea all around!

12 yo won’t be much bother but when ill they could do with a parent looking after them. They shouldn’t be left all alone when ill in case they take a turn for the worse, I agree, so a sick step mum is not the solution for their care.

I agrée with this btw. You could do without the pressure when ill.

Absolutely.

You are off work because you are ill. Not to provide emergency childcare for an ill child!

With the likelihood of a poorly toddler next week, you may be better off with your husband owing you favours. Maybe it depends how cordial or acrimonious the bigger picture is between the 3 of you - is this a zero sum, you win I lose scenario or will you get the goodwill paid back in other ways?

Food sounds sortable. Could your husband go and buy something easy or your SS come with a packed lunch?

Your DH needs to step up and leave work to care for his older son here.
I think for most women after having kids, it takes something really bad/nasty to floor you illness wise so YANBU

FFS when will people realise a step mum has no parental responsibilities when step child has two capable parents? Unless all three parties agree that they want this to be the case, which is not this situation.

Def yanbu. Nothing worse than having a sickness bug and having to look after a child with one too. Especially if it’s not even your child. You need to rest and get better, stand your ground.

I would do it on the proviso that they bring lunch with them and assuming I would not have to do much for a 12 year old other than just be there. They'd have to get their own drinks etc.

if this can't be the case then yes, I'd expect his mum or dad to take the time off.

As it's a 12 year old, they won't need much care, just an adult overseeing in case of emergency. If you are at home anyway, well enough to manage the nursery run and will have the toddler after nursery too, it doesn't seem an unreasonable ask. I guess it just depends on the relationship you have with DSS and DH, as ultimately it is a favour for DH.

It's the mum's time and you are very unwell, so I'd agree if the mum provides their necessaries - food, drinks, a sick bowl, give paracetamol etc. Then they can just sleep (or watch tiktok) in bed until one of their parents takes over.

Also agree. I suppose it might be okay to ask if done very carefully (and if the DP knows that OP does not have people pleasing tendencies).

"If you feel better and if you are up to it. But we definitely do not expect it etc..."

but even then... I personally would not ask unless it was a genuine emergency.

And OP´s immune system will probably be down already. Picking up something new on the road to recovery would not be helpful...

OP would be at work right now and is only off work because she's ILL HERSELF.

This is a gap as her DH isn't taking the fact she's Ill and not well enough to work seriously and now wants her to look after a ill child too who has TWO parents that can look after him instead.

The OP isn't her DH's and his exes babysitting service;this is their issue that they need to resolve between themselves.

No of course you can’t provide childcare for your partners child when you’re ill yourself.

My exh treated me badly, cheated on me and left me for younger women. I moved on and remarried. Over time I thought I had completely let it go but my DD invited me and DH and ex and his new partner, not the one he cheated on me with, to my GS's birthday tea. I had a moment of satisfaction when my DGS rushed up and hugged me and DH when we arrived but totally ignored exh when he arrived. I smiled to myself and thought a 5 year old can see he's worthless I should have seen it sooner.

The toddler is the husband’s child! If the toddler gets ill, it’s not a “favour” to the OP for him to do some parenting.

She's his mum and its her responsibility to sort out childcare, on her days. However he is 12, so can be left home alone (without SENS). You're unwell, so obviously don't want extra duties.

YADNBU

Your mother in law doesn't "need" to do anything. They are not her children.

This.