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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say mum or dad will need to take the day off

326 replies

lilyloleth · 18/10/2023 09:29

I'm unwell at the moment. Suspect maybe covid. I'm very tired, feel nauseous, sore throat, blocked nose, coughing up suspicious looking stuff... blugh. Basically I feel like utter shit. I'm off work and have been since the start of the week. I can just about move from bed to the sofa and stay here most of the day apart from to drag myself to drop and pick up my toddler at nursery who so far seems to have avoided this plague!

DH is working until later on this evening. He has rang me this morning to say that older SS (12) is also now unwell and his mum was asking to drop him off here as she needs to go to work this afternoon.

I've said no unless DH is planning on coming home to look after him or his mum can take the day off.

Aibu saying either DH can come home or his mum can take the day off? DH is saying he can't come home and his mum is also saying she can't take the day off because they are understaffed.

I don't feel up to caring for myself let alone a sick child. And I may soon have a sick toddler to deal with too so need to rest whilst I can.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 18/10/2023 11:56

If you’re well enough to be on mumsnet, then at least you are awake.
have the SS round and ask him to be on brew duty if he isn’t as poorly as you or just stick a movie on and leg on the sofas. It’s really not the end of the world. Tell his mum to make sure he has a pack up with him. Job done.

Universalsnail · 18/10/2023 11:58

Notmetoo · 18/10/2023 11:13

Why? he is no Ops child if his mum thinks the 12 year old is ill enough to need someone to look after him then she or his dad should take the day off OP is ill.
If the argument is that he won't be any trouble can stay in his own room etc then he can stay home alone

Show quote history

I miss read the post so I thought when the OP was referring to his mum she meant DHs mum MD somehow missed the step son elememt. 😂😩 sorry

Ktime · 18/10/2023 12:03

It’s actually both good and bad that ex and DH are asking you to do this when you’re sick.

Bad because they should not be bothering you when you’re sick and they need to parent their own child.

Good because hopefully now you’ve said no they won’t ask again even if you’re well and they parent their own child.

As for the poster who said YABU if you’re going to ask DH to care for dc in future - of course DH has to care, he’s the child’s father, not step-father!

Hadalifeonce · 18/10/2023 12:05

I have the same lurgy as you OP, yesterday DH was WFH, and even that was wearing on me, so not a cat in hell's chance I would want someone else's child around.

Gerrataere · 18/10/2023 12:05

ZebraD · 18/10/2023 11:56

If you’re well enough to be on mumsnet, then at least you are awake.
have the SS round and ask him to be on brew duty if he isn’t as poorly as you or just stick a movie on and leg on the sofas. It’s really not the end of the world. Tell his mum to make sure he has a pack up with him. Job done.

Edited

Are you the OP’s mum?? You sound like one of these silly people who believes if you can watch tv or read a screen when ill then evidently you’re not that ill. Doesn’t matter that the op can type something out in MN when ill, she still needs some space and rest to recover. And why should she invite another set of germs into the house unnecessarily anyway? Who’s looking after the toddler for a week when they get it - the husbands ex?

Hoorahfordogs · 18/10/2023 12:13

Stepmum here - I have my poorly DSD here with me today. I’m WFH today anyway - both Mum and Dad would struggle to take time off.

I can however assure that the fair majority of older poorly kids tend to just stay in bed/do their own thing - I very much doubt you would need to provide any nursing to them - so for that reason I say YABU.

KarmenPQZ · 18/10/2023 12:26

I’d definitely bank my turn on this one. Watch some films with SS with a sicky bucket and a bag of comfort food from his mum and make it clear to your partner that next time either of his kids are sick it’s his turn. To me that’s how a partnership works.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/10/2023 12:32

He's 12! Unless he's extremely ill surely he can be left alone at home for a few hours. I used to leave mine at that age unless they were very poorly. They just watched tv, slept and went on their phones. I prob told them to order a pizza delivery or something for lunch.

MummyJ36 · 18/10/2023 12:34

Whilst I normally think step parents sometimes need to “step up” a bit more I definitely think in this case you are right to say no! Tell DH it’s a hard no and it’s up to him if he wants to come home. If not then SS mum needs to suck it up and take a day off.

Natsku · 18/10/2023 12:51

Surely the 12 year old would be happier and more comfortable in his own home in his own bed if he's not well. If he's so ill that he can't manage at home alone and needs proper looking after then it shouldn't be the sick (step)parent doing that, so YANBU, either his mum or his dad needs to take the day off or he needs to stay in his home alone.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/10/2023 12:57

He’s unlikely to need much food if that’s ill

PurpleBugz · 18/10/2023 13:06

I've had SS when he's sick. I wasn't sick tho. At 12 I'd say yes even if I was sick.

I don't think it's unreasonable they asked you. HOWEVER absolutely you have the right to say no if you don't feel up to it. if they accept the no just move on. If you face a sulking partner later it call out the misogyny

spitefulandbadgrammar · 18/10/2023 13:15

Hilariously everyone saying “you don’t have to do anything for him!” then follows it up with the things OP, who I hope is asleep and resting right now, has to do. Don’t do anything! Except get out of bed, fetch him a sick bowl, make the offer of snacks, find a blanket, snuggle him on the sofa, put a film on.

beanii · 18/10/2023 13:37

Sounds like you have may have Flu (or covid if you want to use the rebranded name) - however if you did have flu you wouldn't be on social media 🤷‍♀️

The question is - would you look after your toddler or would you expect your husband to take the day off?

Step-children are part of your relationship.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/10/2023 13:38

Hoorahfordogs · 18/10/2023 12:13

Stepmum here - I have my poorly DSD here with me today. I’m WFH today anyway - both Mum and Dad would struggle to take time off.

I can however assure that the fair majority of older poorly kids tend to just stay in bed/do their own thing - I very much doubt you would need to provide any nursing to them - so for that reason I say YABU.

Working from home is diff tho

You feel ok

So can look after a poorly child if need be

Op is so poorly /I'll that she isn't at work

CharlotteBog · 18/10/2023 13:41

beanii · 18/10/2023 13:37

Sounds like you have may have Flu (or covid if you want to use the rebranded name) - however if you did have flu you wouldn't be on social media 🤷‍♀️

The question is - would you look after your toddler or would you expect your husband to take the day off?

Step-children are part of your relationship.

Nowhere has OP said she thinks she has flu (which is not Covid), so I don't know why you're shrugging at her being on MN as if "she can't be that ill".

AgreeWithPP · 18/10/2023 13:49

I might sound dramatic but to me the extra mental load of being responsible for a sick child when already feeling horrid myself would be too much. When my child is ill she sleeps, demands very little of me except a bit of calpol from time to time and maybe a cuddle, but I'm constantly aware of that responsibility. I can't completely switch off and sleep etc, because what if child needs me/gets worse etc. So for those saying he'll just be on his phone/watching TV sure, but OP will still be responsible for him, which compromises her rest.

gotomomo · 18/10/2023 13:55

If you are off anyway I don't see that having a 12 year old lying around the place is an issue. As for food, 12 year olds can sort themselves out!

Insommmmnia · 18/10/2023 13:59

beanii · 18/10/2023 13:37

Sounds like you have may have Flu (or covid if you want to use the rebranded name) - however if you did have flu you wouldn't be on social media 🤷‍♀️

The question is - would you look after your toddler or would you expect your husband to take the day off?

Step-children are part of your relationship.

Flu and covid are not the same thing

Angelan86 · 18/10/2023 14:09

I would say yes he can come round but he’ll have to bring something he can make for his lunch and if he vomits, he’ll have to clean it up himself if he doesn’t make it to the toilet in time. Or give him a bucket?
A 12 yo is easy. I’ve had my sd in the past when she’s been unwell and her dad and mum have to work.
You’re not entertaining him, you’re just there as a guardian. I can’t see there being much that you will need to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bellaboo01 · 18/10/2023 14:09

SeptemberSuns · 18/10/2023 11:49

That sounds like parenting!?!

Don't tell anyone to wind their neck in, its very crass.

Show quote history

I’m quite crass than!! 😂

FYI - I will say whatever I choose to say!

notlucreziaborgia · 18/10/2023 14:10

beanii · 18/10/2023 13:37

Sounds like you have may have Flu (or covid if you want to use the rebranded name) - however if you did have flu you wouldn't be on social media 🤷‍♀️

The question is - would you look after your toddler or would you expect your husband to take the day off?

Step-children are part of your relationship.

She’d look after her toddler because that’s her child, her responsibility. Her stepchild isn’t.

‘Step-children are part of your relationship’

That doesn’t make her responsible for childcare. That’s on his actual parents.

BowlOfNoodles · 18/10/2023 14:12

If she knows you are unwell just a Cf

pleasefuckinggodno · 18/10/2023 14:28

I’d probably not mind a 12 year old being there. Wouldn’t they spend 99% of their time looking at their phone? I’d definitely say no to looking after a sick and hyperactive 3 - 7 year old that wasn’t my responsibility, as that’s a shit load of work.

rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2023 14:33

Why on earth do they think it's your responsibility to look after ill SS? The child has two parents and they need to sort it themselves.
What would they have done if you weren't ill and was at work?
It would be a firm no from me and I'd take a pretty dim view of your partner for even thinking it was ok!