to say mum or dad will need to take the day off

[lilyloleth]

I'm unwell at the moment. Suspect maybe covid. I'm very tired, feel nauseous, sore throat, blocked nose, coughing up suspicious looking stuff... blugh. Basically I feel like utter shit. I'm off work and have been since the start of the week. I can just about move from bed to the sofa and stay here most of the day apart from to drag myself to drop and pick up my toddler at nursery who so far seems to have avoided this plague!

DH is working until later on this evening. He has rang me this morning to say that older SS (12) is also now unwell and his mum was asking to drop him off here as she needs to go to work this afternoon.

I've said no unless DH is planning on coming home to look after him or his mum can take the day off.

Aibu saying either DH can come home or his mum can take the day off? DH is saying he can't come home and his mum is also saying she can't take the day off because they are understaffed.

I don't feel up to caring for myself let alone a sick child. And I may soon have a sick toddler to deal with too so need to rest whilst I can.

If you weren't pregnant and knackered and your partner was ill with Covid, would you still have asked him to shuttle your son around just so you didnt have to? And if he said he wasn't feeling up to it because he was ill, that would make him a bad stepparent then for not helping out?

Good partners don't put what is most convenient for them above their OH's health and wellbeing. In this scenario, the OP should never have been asked.

It’s depressing how people on MN seem determined to make women responsible for men.

of course the child’s parents should look after him. It’s during her time so it is his mum’s problem. She’s asked her ex for a favour and he’s decided that he’ll just delegate it to his sick wife. She’s a woman; looking after children is what women do. 🙄

But people go on about how the SM should do it because she might need ‘favours’ from her husband if their toddler is ill. Because children are women’s responsibility and men just get to opt in. Women should be grateful their partners have done them a favour by looking after his own child.

Then there’s the disingenuous ‘I’d do it for a friend etc’ line. No decent friend would ask an unwell person to look after their sick child. They’d have some empathy and recognise it wasn’t appropriate to be seeking favours from them. This isn’t even a friend - it’s her husband’s ex. The OP doesn’t owe her childcare or favours.

The mildly threatening sentiment of ‘well you should do it if you ever want her to be flexible or reasonable in the future’ is pretty standard for stepparenting. Imagine viewing one woman as so entitled to another’s (free) childcare services that people think the SM should be punished for not complying.

’i think the child’s parents should sort out between themselves which of them is taking time off work to look after the child’ should be utterly uncontroversial as a statement.

Adoption is a completely different thing.

And stepping up to the expectations of a pseudo parental role is a considerably lower bar for men. Heroes if they give a child a lift. While SM’s are just expected to look after sick children while they’re ill. And made to feel bad if they don’t.

The father in this scenario is already not helping his wife out. She has to sort out their toddler and do nursery runs while sick. He’s not picking up any slack or ‘helping’ her there. Instead he wants her to look after another child so he and his ex are not inconvenienced.

That’s not comparable though, as he’s doing it for you, his wife, not his ex partner. I’m assuming he doesn’t have Covid either.

*your ex partner

We live together and he is here full time with my son, and our daughter. He just parents them both. And genuinely I probably would have to ask him to go and get my son at night etc. because he loves him. He’s a parent to him. But yeah I get it, mn thinks all step parents shouldn’t love their step kids 😂

and the bottom line is, I don’t think op should look after her ss in this instance because the kid is 12 and doesn’t need looking after.

Hahahah I would literally die first!!

As I said earlier in this thread. The kid has 2 parents. The OP isn’t one of them. Plus she isn’t well. It was very very unfair of them to ask.

I would never have SDs here when they are ill, because inevitably that’s means all of the kids will get it and then I’m basically surrounded by sick for weeks. No thanks. Likewise I’m sure his ex wouldn’t send the kids to ours if we all had a bug. No one needs that.

if it’s mums contact day, it’s mums problem and she’ll have to be off work.

Nrt.
Absolutely not, how disgraceful.

Of course they need to make provision for their own child.

I'm in the same situation as you, DD has a step dad and she lives with us full time. He does loads for her and treats her as his own. That's completely different to this situation though. The parents share custody, the child is meant to be with his mum, but is ill, and the mum "can't" take time off work. She has asked her ex partner who has also said he can't. The SM is ill and doesn't want the responsibility of her SC while she is feeling like that. One of the parents has to step up in this situation, as it just really isn't down to her to sort out. The responsibility lies solely with them. That's got nothing to do with not loving/caring for your stepchild. I'd say the same if someone was on here saying that their child was sick and they'd asked a grandparent to care for them, but said grandparent was ill with Covid. They can't do it and the parents have to sort it out. The OP isn't just saying she can't to it to be difficult or without a reason. A sick 12 year old still needs to be looked after to an extent - food prepared etc, and she's not up to that.

@SpicedAppleAndFreshCider You're correct, there was a typo - 'out' should have read 'asked'.

My friend adopted his step child. I know others in a parental role. Many step dads do step up A step dad stepping up and doing things is normal, but if the step dad can't do something because he is ill/busy, it's very unlikely he would be even asked to, as even in relationships where both parents are together, the lions share of the childcare falls to women. I think it's an unlikely situation where a birth father who shares custody would ask his ex wife's sick current partner to look after his child. I'm sure he'd ask his ex wife, and she as the mother would most likely make arrangements, rather than asking her ill partner. Men just aren't asked to step up in the same way when it comes to looking after sick children, especially if they aren't theirs. Step mums are fair game, because they're women and are expected to take on that nurturing role, whatever the cost/inconvenience to them.

But yeah I get it, mn thinks all step parents shouldn’t love their step kids 😂

This isn’t an awful MN where women are encouraged to hate children scenario.

Why is it that when stepmothers set boundaries, people are desperate to use emotive manipulation to cast them as the villain?

‘well, I love my SC so I’m totally happy to be their parents’ default childcare in any situation. It’s such a shame that other women are less virtuous and kind.’

I haven’t said it’s the same situation. I understand the ops situation, and I have had a 12 year old, I’d be happy to leave my 12 year old alone for 1 day when sick if necessary.

the reason i posted about my partner because of the stick step dads were getting on here. I haven’t once said it’s the same situation. It’s not. But there are step dads out there who do get asked to do stuff for their step kids and who just do it without asking. We, all four of us, parent him. He is our child, all of us. And he’s damned lucky we do it that way tbh. I’d hate all this, well he’s not my child so 🤷🏽‍♀️

however as I’ve said plenty of times. It’s not at all necessary for op to be doing anything for this situation.

The chances of me needing something from my grown up SC are about as high as the chances of me wanting a favour from his mum.

Yet another situation where it’s fine for both the parents to decline looking after their own child, but if the stepmother dares to say no, then she’s unreasonable?

Your loss.

I have gained two wonderful young adults in my life plus step Grandchildren who love me.

So for me the effort was worth it.

It is not the same in my life.

This isn’t a situation of nasty SM who isn’t there for an SC who needs her. Thats just more emotionally manipulative nonsense.

This is a situation where the SC’s mother needs some childcare. And the SC’s father isn’t willing to take time off work to accommodate that. People have decided that the SM must do it because she’s a woman.

Having boundaries with your partner and his ex about their responsibilities as parents is nothing to do with being mean to SC.

It is not the same in my life.

Fair enough, but it shouldn't be beyond you to accept that other people are different to you and their lives are perfectly happy without making passive aggressive comments about how your way is better.

I have two children of my own, there isn't a void there.

You shouldnt be sending your toddler to nursery and doing the nursery run if you are as sick as you say you are - literally about to ruin 20/ 30 other families half term. Different if toddler is well and you are basically isolating from them. But you have told everyone that you have the runs and are doing the nursery run which is close contact. Selfish.

Soubds like you don't like your step son by the way.

Absolutely all of this.

I really agree with this and have seen many threads like this by step mums, but I can't recall ever seeing one by a step dad. At the end of the day step parents don't really have a say, or at least not the final say, in major decisions regarding their step children. They often have to put up with a lot more during the teenage years, as the things stroppy teens say are much easier to brush off as a parent who has unconditional love. In many cases, if the relationship breaks down, especially when the kids are young, they don't get to see the child they've loved and cared for again. It's a tough gig. It's a massive ask to expect them to step in in the situation the OP described. In an emergency or something, yes, but here, one of the parents could have sorted something out, they just didn't want to, because they'd decided they had a default carer for their child.

DD has a very involved step dad, but ultimately, as her mother, if she's ill and has to be collected from school/looked after, that is my responsibility. If someone has to take time off work, that falls to me. I wouldn't even ask him. He ferries her about, picks her and her friends up, buys things for her etc, but the major responsibilities lie with me, as they should.

I have a child too. Who are close to their half siblings.

Maybe direct that ire at OP’s husband, who should be doing the nursery run since she’s ill and he isn’t. Perhaps he doesn’t like his toddler or his son, since he’s not planning on looking after him?

I have a child too. Who are close to their half siblings.

Well I have two children who are close to each other, I'm perfectly satisfied with the sibling relationship I've provided for them. They're more than welcome to be close to their half sibling too if they want to but it's not something I am personally bothered about or feel the need to jump through hoops and allow myself to feel taken advantage of by his parents to facilitate.

Which is all of course tangential to the point that it shouldn't be too difficult for you to accept that not everyone does things exactly like you without being so judgmental.