to say mum or dad will need to take the day off

[lilyloleth]

I'm unwell at the moment. Suspect maybe covid. I'm very tired, feel nauseous, sore throat, blocked nose, coughing up suspicious looking stuff... blugh. Basically I feel like utter shit. I'm off work and have been since the start of the week. I can just about move from bed to the sofa and stay here most of the day apart from to drag myself to drop and pick up my toddler at nursery who so far seems to have avoided this plague!

DH is working until later on this evening. He has rang me this morning to say that older SS (12) is also now unwell and his mum was asking to drop him off here as she needs to go to work this afternoon.

I've said no unless DH is planning on coming home to look after him or his mum can take the day off.

Aibu saying either DH can come home or his mum can take the day off? DH is saying he can't come home and his mum is also saying she can't take the day off because they are understaffed.

I don't feel up to caring for myself let alone a sick child. And I may soon have a sick toddler to deal with too so need to rest whilst I can.

I've said I wouldn't do it again. But it's because I know what could happen

I know you're taking issue with me, but we're kind of saying the same thing - namely that step-parenting can be a fucking nightmare for a whole host of reasons. You wouldn't do it again; I wouldn't do it at all. Obviously it can work - I have several friends who have made it work despite the inevitable problems - but it's rare for it to be straightforward.

I think women often go into relationships with their eyes shut very tightly, or because they think this man is "the one". In reality, any number of men could be "the one" (I don't believe in "true love" - I believe that a mixture of circumstance and availability is what drives most relationships), and I'd personally hold out for one who doesn't have an ex wife and children.

If you shack up with one who does, you've got to be able to put the child's needs ahead of your own.

You can keep saying this all you want but no, you don't. You shouldn't make things worse for your SC but you do not have any tangible obligation to go above and beyond in this kind of way.

A well 12 year old can look after themselves with a sick adult in the house, but a poorly one, especially if it's d&v no, especially if you're really ill yourself. One of his parents will have to take the day off work.

If you shack up with one who does, you've got to be able to put the child's needs ahead of your own.

Wow you have such an inspiring way with words. I’m sure stepmums reading this comment will do as they’re told now.

@InchResting

. If you shack up with one who does, you've got to be able to put the child's needs ahead of your own.“

but you don’t though!
if you want to - fine. But other women don’t have to. The child has two parents to put his needs over their own. He doesn’t need Op to do that too

No it doesn’t. What you mean is, when a man with children gets into a relationship with a woman, it would suit him very nicely if she would step into the mum role and allow him to opt out of caring for his own child. Well too bad, unless he was very clear about that when he was dating. A relationship is a two way street, not a dictatorship or a domestic service for single parents looking for free childcare.

No, you don’t. You may want them to be willing to do that, but that doesn’t in fact mean they have to be.

it’s up to the child’s actual parent to decide if that’s what they’re looking for in a prospective stepparent, and if it’s something important to them, not date or marry someone that isn’t willing to do that.

You don’t have to think it’s nice, or approve of it. You’re also free to practice those values as a stepparent in your own relationships. That doesn’t mean that anyone else is required to share those views.

That's fair enough.

I think I liked having the SC because I wanted our child to bond with his siblings so I was very much a hands on stepmum.

Yes, I do realise the OP's little one was at school.

I also realise that women have a choice how involved they want to be.

Those are the type of ridiculous replies I often see on step parenting threads!

Absolutely stick to your guns.

Either of this childs parents need to make arrangements to care for their child.

Despite you being unwell, they both think of you as the house skivvy aupair.

Your illness is of zero concern to them.

It's a common story on here.

The new partner being used as skivvy aupair to their partner and Ex.

A very very common story.

Protect yourself, neither of them clearly care a whit for you.

“Despite you being unwell, they both think of you as the house skivvy aupair.”

ABSOLUTELY THIS!!!

I’m unclear why the ex thinks it’s ok to drop SS with you when you are poorly. The arrangements should be between DH and ex, one of them can look after SS surely and it has nothing to do with you.

Why can’t he just stay at home alone? He’s 12, not a toddler.

Not your son, not your problem. I would definitely not be looking after my SS if I was unwell. The mother or father should be looking after their own kid when it’s sick.

I hope when the stepchildren become adults they have as much sympathy for their stepparents if they ever needed anything.

My grown up SD bought me a present and asked if I wanted to meet up when she knew I was upset about something.

It was worth putting the effort in.

He’s 12. Assuming no special needs he hardly needs looking after. Yabu.

YANBU. It's no fun being ill
Get well soon

As if a SD would ever be out in this situation! You’re absolutely right to say no.

Makes no sense.

A step dad wouldn't be asked in this situation.

Not a chance would it happen.

My sons step dad (my partner) just took and collected my son from a school trip, yesterday it was 4am drop off and today it was 11pm collection. I didn’t go because I’m pregnant and knackered. I asked his step dad and he of course said yes. I’m a bit baffled by the step dads wouldn’t be asked. Any good step parent helps out with their step kids, but in this scenario there’s no need for step mum to help out because the kid is 12 and doesn’t need supervision for just 1 day!

My friend adopted his step child. I know others in a parental role. Many step dads do step up.