Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

[Tangofantastic]

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

My youngest either fell asleep in my bed and we moved him or he just slept with me if we couldnt be bothered moving him until he was nearly 11. Not ND but a slightly anxious child and it just made life easier for everyone. He hit 11 and decided one night to sleep in his own bed and that was that. Dont get me wrong, he will still get in with us in the morning or to watch a film in bed with me (as will my eldest who is 16) but now he goes back to his own bed to sleep.

Tell your DP its none of his business, because it isnt, unless you are planning on moving him in?

Yes and no. It may be unusual for some families but in no way should you be feeling pressured. Sorry, he knows your situation. He needs to be sensitive and wait. There are other ways he can be with you. Stand your ground.

I think you need to focus on what you want in the long run. If it is a relationship with this man then I would maybe start considering sleeping arrangements. I do agree in putting kids first but sometimes take a step back and think about yourself and what would make you happy considering everything you have been through. We don't know what this man is like based off of a post and he very may as well be coming from a good place.

OP it is such a shame but as others have said this may not be the right time to be exploring a new relationship. Perhaps the timing is just too difficult. I would lay your cards on the table about how much you realistically think your boyf could be involved your life over the next 5+ years. Talk about it, perhaps it just won’t be enough and it’s best to be open about that now and potentially keep a friendship that’s clearly important to you.

Could he have seen/heard about a friend or someone else's son recently? Children grow up really fast overnight and he may be noticing your son's puberty as well.

I see some comments saying it's OK. I don't actually have anything against co-sleeping, used to snuggle up with my mum just for fun (no anxiety) till a ripe old age. But I'm just genuinely curious how ... avoiding unwanted contact ... would work though. Sorry to be really blunt, but is there not an awkward morning (and often night time) physiological phenomenon in all males?

I don't think people are saying to just move him in anyway, only that it's understandable not to want to share a bed with someone else's kids.

Posted further up but NC as irrationally paranoid about occupation being outing. I have a background in SEN (education/therapy) and I have to say that ASD is all the more reason to approach this carefully with boundaries.

I've taught a certain age group before and boys with ASD in particular (edit: and girls too, but I find it's mostly boys who have this issue socially) may struggle with sexual boundaries. We have to explicitly teach some of them appropriate outward behaviour. Even boys (edit: and girls) without ASD may find themselves unwillingly / confusedly / innocently aroused by certain contact, or by witnessing certain things to do with family members.

I personally think the issue of guilt/confusion versus comfort is real. Some children with ASD are sensory-seeking and derive comfort through tactile means, but puberty and hormones can make that aspect messy when physically in the same bed at night. I think it's valid to consider putting in some physical boundaries or separation even if co-sleeping continues.

I think it's fine your son still sleeps in the same bed with you. The kid is autistic and has had lot to deal with.

Truthfully there is absolutely no way I would let a partner who isn't even the kids dad tell me whether my children should co sleep with me or not. It quite frankly has nothing to do with him and I think he has some audacity to think he has any sway on this.

He is not someone to get in to a relationship with @Tangofantastic it will go all manner of wrong. The warning signs are already there.

I think with your circumstances you need to shelve a relationship until your children are older.

My worry is that you are not long out of domestic abuse and frame yourself as not being a catch because someone would have to put up with you and the kids.

If I was single, I honestly dont think I'd want another man around my kids. I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm saying it to put into perspective that a man would have to work exceptionally hard to be worth me even considering lowering my guard enough to date him, never mind have him near my kids (as a friend or anything else).

My point is that you're perspective of you family situation makes you vulnerable to men who pretend to be nice for a long time until they convince you they are good and then let the mask slip. I think this is a mask slip and I would be pulling away and taking a big step back, not questioning myself and my family set up.

Something to think on xx

I think you need to progress them sleeping in their rooms for one reason which is in the event there's an emergency and someone else has to look after them - even for one night. As for the boyfriend, not his business!

My son with ASD and adhd slept with me till he was 11. Progressing to sharing a room for a while after that before moving into his bedroom. Like you I'd tried many times for a young age to get him to sleep in his own bed, but he would actually stay awake all night rather than sleep alone (and I couldn't stay awake all night, so he'd sneak in once I was asleep)

I got with my new DP when he was still sharing a room with me, but I never mentioned it in conversation as he doesn't stay over at my house (my kids like him very much, but home is their safe place) How I bring my kids up is none of his business, unless it impacts on him (eg them being rude to him - I would have no problem with him telling them off for that)

He is way overstepping the line in telling you how you should be dealing with your kids.

You’re doing what’s best for your children. I can see why you’re unsettled by what he’s said and I think you need to talk about it properly but it’s not clear how either of you thought things would progress between you given what’s currently working for your family.

It might not be the right time for you to be having a relationship, even with someone you thought could accept the status quo. Your children’s needs and what it takes to invest in a romantic relationship may be incompatible and accepting that means you’re not going to feel torn and conflicted.

I can’t tell
you how much I appreciate All your responses. I’ve spent the last hour reading them all very carefully.
I should add (as don’t think I was clear) I’ve known X (my
friend/ partner) for 5 years now and he really has been my
rock through the ending of a very abusive relationship with the kids dad. He’s been almost unbelievably
patient and kind. Since we started a physical relationship it’s been creative-
in the sense it’s in the spare
room as my kids are in my bed sleeping or at
his when my mum babysits.
I think those of you who are saying he’s now maybe feeling (understandably) less patient are right. He wants more from me and because of my kids I’m unbel
to Do that. He talks often of how things will be easier if I let him in more
and help him to co-parent but he simply doesn’t know how hard that woild
be for my son who is anxious, very protective over me and has autistic meltdowns that are pretty significant. For example he said he can’t wait until we can all go on family holidays in a caravan/ save up for Disney one year and I’m thinking gosh yes that sounds amazing but realistically these things are generally impossible for me as my son simply can’t cope. it’s like I can’t make it all join up which is sad because he makes me very happy and I don’t want to lose the chance at a lovely relationship but I also could never put anyone before my children’s needs.
i think what doesn’t help is he previously was with a single mum who had 2 daughters who were neurotypical and he bonded quite quickly with them. (All very nice and normal). He was sad when she left him as he loved being a sort of co -parent with them (talked about their days out, how with his help they sorted all the tantrums and life was great. I slightly sank at that point and tried to say well ten thing is that would never happen with my son at least as he’s ND so simply won’t like the kind of activities and fun things a NT child does (for example parties and noise are his idea of living hell). I think while he says he understands it will be different with my 2 he perhaps doesn’t really get quite how
different though he says he has his eyes fully
open and can handle it as long as it means more tome
with me than 2 days or nights
a week as he wants more. As do I, but I know I need to move at the pace of a drunk snail to even begin to help my kids adjust.

the “strange” word threw me but a few
oc you have said puberty may make this strange so perhaps it’s a valid point. It just sounded odd coming from
him as he’s always been so so supportive and the opposite of “oh that’s strange”. Y

Sorry for typos 🤦‍♀️Attempting work and children whirling around as I type!

I don't think sharing a bed with your DC especially given the ND and past experiences is strange at all.

It sounds like, as much as you've explained the situation to him, he's not really getting it - with the "oh, we can save up for Disney World..." etc. I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that your DC may need different things than he needs in his life. Neither is wrong but they may be incompatible. I think you should discuss again with him, really laying out the situation in black and white terms.

Just wondering... The (his) focus here seems to be getting your children out of your bed...

But does he have any relationship with them currently? If so, how's it going?

Surely, that's the starting point for you all - slowly building a good family bond and supportive relationships. Not getting the kids out of your bed so he can get into it...

Based on your update OP, I really don't think this relationship should go on. It sounds like he has an idealistic vision of what family life is like & understandably wants to attempt to create that with you, however, as you yourself say your DS in particular does not fit that vision. I wonder if he's essentially trying to recreate the family he had with his last GF?
Your DP might think he understands your family setup & needs but he clearly doesn't & I seriously doubt he will be able to accept the reality when it finally dawns on him.
He's not wrong for wanting all that, the days out, Disney etc, but if you don't think that's a possibility with you surely the best thing is to break it off & focus on your children now & what they want & need; & allow your DP to try & find what he wants elsewhere - despite how much that might hurt both of you.

If he is really serious about committing to you and taking a more involved role in your children's lives then he can demonstrate this by beginning to learn about parenting ND and trauma-affected children.

@Tangofantastic

this OP!

you deserve happiness too!

Are you keeping him in your room for his comfort or for your own? Are you waiting for a 10 year old to put in boundaries rather than put in boundaries yourself?

Can you help him find other coping strategies for his panic attacks?

I don't think your friend was unreasonable to point out that puberty is on the horizon. Sometimes we see them as babies for longer than they are.

he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need to get him into his own bed.

This may or may not be cover for 'I want more sex', we don't know. But from the first post it sounds like it is only the 10yo DS he's talking about, not the younger DD, which means he may have genuine concerns.

And if it was a father and 10yo daughter, approaching puberty, sleeping in the same bed every night, ND or NT, then people would be questioning whether that was wise from a lot of different perspectives.

I also agree that he's not wrong to be wondering where this relationship is going, if at all. And he isn't BU for doing so, he's human. I don't agree that this is his mask slipping, that he's blackmailing you or any of the other things a few PPs have accused him of.

OP I think you need to have a calm, face to face, talk with him about what he said and why he said it, and to go into it with an open mind to hear what he has to say. You absolutely have the right to go into that conversation from a standpoint of you're not going to change anything, but it wouldn't be helpful.

the times I’ve tried leaving him in his own bed and soothing him in any way he simply
stays up allllll night. Literally. Snuggled into me he’s out within 10 mins.

i completely agree my partner wants and deserves a more
NT life and would be An incredible dad. I do think part
of the problem is that he has had experience of a “normal” kids set up where they were both NT
and didn’t have
anxiety, tics, meltdowns etc. they went to bed at 7 and slept
till….8. In their own beds and my partner said it was a good balance of fun days with the kids and evenings alone with their mum. I agree this sounds amazing but its
so Far
from my home it may as well be in outer space. I have
suggested he attend some
of
the workshops / training courses on ND children but so far he’s said hes
rather learn from my son and me than a generic course which I get but I feel he’s already getting impatient at how slow it is and I know he thinks part of it the meltdowns are partly down to a lack of discipline and boundaries ☹️I guess I’m not used to him being impatient or using words that I find hurtful like “strange” but I’m aware I’m over sensitive and protective ☹️

I think he meant well but didn't explain properly /say the right words

As children esp boys get older /puberty hits - yes it is better they have their own beds and space

Obv due to your ex and your sons sn - your son needs security and support

Going forward you also deserve to have happiness

So in the long run ds and dd will need to go into their own beds at some stage

So could you start with a gradual retreat method

So sleeps in your room but not in bed so a mattress on floor while he gets used to that it will be a softie slow approach that may take months

Or

Can you sleep in sons bedroom in his bed for a few weeks/month or two and then once used to that - say when he is asleep explain mummy will go to her bed

And to those of you who have made such kind comments about me being a good mum- thank you 💞it means so so much to me. I spend half
the days doubting myself and getting it wrong with Meltdowns so to hear you think I’m doing a good job means the world to me. X