Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

[Tangofantastic]

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

I think you're right to prioritise your child & also right to think about encouraging him to sleep alone - gradually. Both my kids got into bed with me a lot and both gradually developed a strong sense of privacy when they were about 12. My son now mucks about at bedtime & jumps into my bed when I'm brushing my teeth & pretends to be asleep. He wouldn't dream of staying now though.

Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my son is still sleeping with me and that needs to change

wow. If my DH had of said that I would have told him to do one let alone a guy who didn’t live with me. Two of our kids bed shared with us for years. The others didn’t, because all kids are different. The longest stopped of his own accord around 15yo, he has ASD if it’s of relevance. It was hilarious as at that point he was over 6’ so not a little additional bed fellow and quite squishy at that point tbh 🤣. They will stop when they are ready. I wouldn’t put up with anyone pointing out they were strange and this needed to change, they would be binned asap.

I think he’s right . Perhaps it’s time to start transitioning the children to their own space. If he’s been a good friend to your family , I would not jump to think that he had ulterior motives.

For all the anti co-sleeping… My dd co slept with me until she was part way through year 7. It only started when she was about 7 and we were burgled. The guy came into my bedroom whilst I was asleep. A slat on dd’s bed was broken the same night. Idk if I did it getting her out of bed (she remembers nothing). Anyway the next morning she found herself in bed with me and I made darn sure it took a long time to mend the bed. She then didn’t want to leave, much to my relief as I felt that was the only way to keep her safe. So that’s about 4 years of co-sleeping. She’s now 15 and has no issues at all nor did she have issues with sleepovers, school trips etc.

It is a good point. There are various studies online to back this up that it isn't a good idea to sleep with children this age.

I'm in a group for parents of kids with autism and sleeping in the same bed as mum at this age is completely normal. It may be unusual for NT kids but that's not the case for neurodiverse ones. My DS is 10 and still sleeps in my bed (along with 1 million teddies).

your boyfriend (?) is right when he says that this is strange / unusual. It obviously is (for the general population). And I do believe that you need to face the fact that it may have an impact on your relationship.

but that definitely does not mean that you should change your set up because of that.
and I absolutely do not think that you should prioritise this man’s needs and or preferences over your child’s.

thinking about how to transition from this to something that will be more comfortable to both of you when he starts puberty is however something I would strongly consider and start preparing for now.

There will come a moment where this setup won’t work anymore. And preparing yourself and him for that moment in advance seems much better.
the floor bed really might be a good first step.

How long have you been seeing him? How long since you split up with your ex? Do the kids see him at all?

What he said was fine. You making your own choice is also fine.

I do think that you might want to have a conversation with him where you stand and what you both need. He might want more intimacy if you do too you need to discuss this.

It sounds to me like he expected when you and he got together that you'd gradually start putting things in place to transition the kids out of your room. And now he's realised that there's been no progress at all and he's wondering how much longer it will take. Sounds like he was hoping all along that you and he would work towards having a "normal" relationship, and he was prepared to support you with getting to that point, but his timeline and yours are not matching up. Can you find out from him what his honest expectations are? Then lay your cards in the table so he's completely clear about what you are prepared to do.

@Tangofantastic You sound like a great mum. Don’t worry about what anyone says about co sleeping.

For those who are trying to make out that it is psychologically detrimental to co sleep with your older children, keep in mind that there are differing views by experts. Also, keep in mind that it is predominantly western culture that frowns upon it and that it is more accepted and practiced in other cultures around the world. Additionally, it is only in recent history that western culture started normalising sleeping separately.

Here is an excerpt from an article about co sleeping that some might find interesting or helpful.

https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/preschool/good-news-for-parents-who-cosleep-with-their-kids/news-story/f5c3ee76923290945d426ba2c5075112

I am a psychologist who directs a clinic specialising in sleep difficulties in children from birth to 18 years. I am also a researcher in paediatric sleep. I have seen first-hand the strong opinions people have about parents co-sleeping (or not) with their children.
While we need to be mindful of safety and SIDS when co-sleeping with infants, there is no problem with co-sleeping with older children in and of itself.

If you consider history since the human race began, it is only very very recently that most people have had homes with multiple bedrooms where young children sleep alone.

I think any new man trying to change the way you raise your children, particularly given your context, is a bit of a red flag. It sounds like he is trying to get you to put his needs and wants above theirs and personally, I would find that very off putting.

Our first step was that it was weekends only (it was starting to get a bit crowded, and I wasn't sleeping well)

A couple of times I slept in with them in their room (my two share, with no interest in having their own rooms yet)

After a while of weekends only, and it was agreed that they were even bigger now, and no-one was sleeping well, and we'd swap in and out (one child one day of the weekend, the other the other day)

And no, finally, 2.5 years after my split, they generally sleep in their own beds, and only end up in mine if ill/something like a night mare or school worry.

Mine are 9 and 12.

Your 10yo needs this set up right now. It won't be forever.

Your partner says it's strange and needs to change - why is he telling you how to parent?
What else will 'need to change' in future as your relationship progresses?

I would not be putting the 'wants' of my partner before the 'needs' of my child.

Thinking about my friendships, there are certain things I'll say to certain people.

My bestie gets everything. Others less so. One friend now gets more of my honesty than she used to, as I now know her better.

If my bestie was co sleeping with her 10 yr old, I'd tell her it was strange and it would need to change soon. I wouldn't need to say I understand why. If one of my other friends told me, they'd get an "I understand why". The friend I know better would have initially got a "I understand why"...as I got to know her better, it would have had "I think it's strange though and needs to change as he's 10 now" added to it.

Any chance that because he now feels more comfortable with you, he's having the conversation around it that he didn't feel he could initially have? Just because he thinks it's strange, it doesn't mean that he doesn't understand too.

And he's allowed to share his opinion. You don't have to agree with him. If your relationship with their dad was so difficult, this may be a trigger for you... someone sharing their opinion. You may be programmed to always agree. It's ok to not do what he thinks.

Only you know the tone of the conversation OP. That will help you work out what angle he was coming from. Whether it was from a "I need it to change" angle or a "he's starting secondary school next year. Most children have stopped sleeping in their mums bed by then. He'll get teased mercilessly if anyone found out" type angle.

Wishing you luck with the new relationship and supporting your littlies.

I’m torn between a) red flag, leave him to it, your kids have issues and are more important
b) he’s having a moment, understandable as he’s only human and has been understanding and so must be wondering is this life forever which is fair enough
c) thinking in a way he’s right, as at aged 9 we started thinking my (non sn) child was still sitting all over us etc, and he’s so tall it was a bit ‘we need to ease out of this or he’ll be a teen sitting on our laps’
d) thinking someone said it to him not really knowing your situation

i can’t help op but huge hugs, you are doing great under very difficult circumstances

@Tangofantastic He has been so nice/understanding to win you over, and now he is using shaming ('you're strange') as a way to break you down and question yourself.

You have a history if picking emotionally abusive men? It might be that you're repeating the pattern with this guy? This is not about your child/parenting at all. Its about messing with your head and emotions.

I have a DC who's 9. We tried moving them into their own room and because they're compliant and people pleasing, they did what we wanted. But DC behaviour in the day changed. They were crying more, more clingy, just much more sad in a day to day basis. This didn't reduce but built up and after a month I let them move in with me again. They weren't sulking, they weren't being naughty - they just needed that connection.

You know what your child needs. And I have a DC 13 with ASD - their behaviour for change when they hit puberty and they now have boundaries around being naked etc Not three years before 🙄

I agree with this ^

It’s quite simple really - if you will at some point want a new partner, that partner isn’t going to want to share a bed with you and your children. If they did, that in itself would be a massive red flag!
You and your children have experienced trauma, so that should be addressed. Have you all had counselling? I’d suggest you contact Women’s Aid to try and organise some.
Regarding your DS in particular still needing to share your bed, can you see a time when that won’t be ok with you? If so, think about how you’re going to get to a point when he’s in his own bed.
Obviously because of the trauma in the past, you have to tread carefully when it comes to new relationships, but it’s just as unhealthy to not have a relationship because it might upset your children. Far too many times have I seen mothers of sons in particular not be able to have a new relationship because their son makes it impossible. The fact that you’re limiting when you meet up with this person is an indication that this could be happening here. It’s very important that your children are able to see what a good relationship between couples looks like, especially as they’ve witnessed their parents in a bad relationship. It would take a particularly patient person to be happy to go very slowly in a relationship. The fact that they want to have a fulfilling physical relationship is perfectly normal. It doesn’t make him a sex pest!!!
You're in a complex situation and there are no easy answers I’m afraid.

You are doing exactly what your children need and your boyfriend needs to understand that. I would be firm and say "my children have been through a lot and they need extra security and support. Sharing a bed is more common than you realise and while it will change at some point it won't be until my children are ready. You need to decide if you can be ok with that'

If he backs down and leaves it then fine. If he presses the point and tries to tell you, you are wrong he's not a good egg. He needs to understand your children come first.

Well done for escaping abuse. You sound like a wonderful mother. I think it'll take a long time to wind down the bed-sharing, so unless this is accepted by your boyfriend things might need to fizzle out. How do your children sleep when your mum takes them?

I’d be extremely cautious about this sudden change in tone, has it all been an act somehow while he hooks you in, and now true colours are showing? The way he has said it seems a bit controlling. Don’t let him pressure you to move quicker than you want to. Your kids have different needs than he might be expecting. He needs to respect that.

That’s a stretch.

Obviously you have to put your DC ahead of any partner BUT he has a point. At some point in the not too distant future your son will hit puberty and then co-sleeping may no longer be an appropriate situation. You need to have a plan in place to handle this. Hopefully that's all your DP meant- not that you should chuck your D.C. out now to make room for him but that you need to be seeking advice for the future change as this situation can't continue indefinitely.

However I repeat, you are 100% doing the right thing by putting your DC first, just don't let your previous experience of coercive control make you assume your current partner doesn't mean well in saying this.