Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

[Tangofantastic]

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

I see his point:

It's inappropriate for him as an unrelated adult to share a bed with you while your children are also sleeping there - so until your DC are sleeping alone, then that part of your relationship is going to be a bit stuck in limbo.

However that doesn't mean you're wrong to co-sleep - you know your children best and know what works for them, but I do think you need to accept that it will limit ability to have an intimate relationship with a partner.

👆Just this for me. Continue to put your children and their needs first.

Using the term ‘strange’ wasn’t helpful, but YABU in that you cannot have your cake and eat it - if you want a relationship you do need to make space for it.

I suspect what he means is it’s strange you haven’t got a plan for addressing this by now. Obviously there are many reasons for that, and a different term would be better, but he isn’t wrong that it needs to be a plan for it to be addressed, else when will I change?

It’s entirely up to you what you do, but it’s reasonable for him to want to know what the next few years will look like. Calling him ‘sweet’ is fine, but he doesn’t exist to support you, he has needs too. You may need to have a honest conversation on what you have time for right now, and both decide if it has a future.

If I'm being kind I'd say he should but out and wind his neck in.

If I'm being totally honest this is ringing bells for me.

You say he's a nice guy, maybe he's not and this is his mask slipping.

Proceed with caution. Give him and his words less power. You're the boss of you and your family. Keep centring you and your children.

This 'nice' guy is an added extra at best.

You say you're talking about the future with him, but how exactly?

You'd both like more time together. You don't say if this is overnight, but just a few hours once or maybe twice a week, isn't a relationship.

Realistically, could your boyfriend ever move in? He certainly can't share the bed with you and your children. What if your son never wants to move from your bed?

You're putting your children first, understandable, but that does mean your needs/wants don't get considered, and I don't think it's fair for your boyfriend to keep waiting on an unknown.

He’s not wrong to be fair. Your son will need to be able to sleep on his own by the time he’s a teen never mind an adult. Is it something you think he will grow out of?

I think if it works for you and your children then continue it but I would be preparing for your son to start sleeping in his own bed at some stage now he is getting older.

If you are not open to that then in a way this guy has got a point if you are looking at moving your relationship on and living together.

I have two dc with special needs and I dated for a long time after I divorced but I did eventually give up for reasons like this as it was easier to be on my own. My dc didn’t sleep with me but there were many extra demands on me eg phone calls to pick them up from school or childcare so trying to have a social life was hard and tbh not totally fair on a new partner.

You know what’s best for your dc @Tangofantastic . Your dp has no say. If he doesn’t like the arrangements he should walk away.

He does not sound like a nice guy at all! He’s already bullying you and disrespectful towards your families needs.

I think your boundaries are still wobbly from being in an abusive relationship and this guys picked up on your vulnerability.

Please put your kids first as they have already gone through a lot and do not need a man coming into their lives so soon.

But things do need to be adapted / changed naturally over time for things to progress. Yes OPs kids come first but her partner is within his rights to want a little bit of privacy with his partner.

Would you consider this OP?

My DD slept with me until around 11, then when her periods started and landed her with a blood transfusion and years of feeling dizzy she came back for a year. Some people did think it was weird. I didn’t care. I did date a single dad earlier this year and his DD’s were in his bed most of the night. Our relationship never got to the stage of meeting kids etc, my DD is 15 now and happy in her own bed but I’d never expect someone to move their kids out of their bed for me.

I was going to say he’s just after a shag, but he’s probably thinking of next steps and how it would work with you both if he ever did move in. I wouldn’t move my distressed child out of my bed for any man, that’s why I’m happily single

Hi OP, are you and/ or your children in receipt of any counselling? Considering the trauma you mentioned this might be a good starting point for all of you. I understand that your boyfriend’s comment stung but I understand where he is coming from. This will unlikely fix itself, which means that your relationship will never surpass the part time phase.

I think you need to draw a very firm line in the sand and tell him he isn’t allowed to comment on your parenting at all.

You and your children are in a very vulnerable place after being victims of domestic violence. Do not be drawn into parenting decisions that aren’t your own just to make him happy.

If your relationship with him isn’t going as fast as he would like and he is frustrated then that is a separate topic.

You admit this has ended up being rhe status quo because basically it was less hassle than teaching them to sleep in their own beds?

I understand where the guy is coming from

Why does everyone mention moving in together? Have the kids not been through enough?

Is he trying to find a less blunt way about the changes that boys go through during puberty? It is likely that your son will start having wet dreams during this time, is that something you want to wake up to or is it better to start transitioning him into his own bed now?

Sounds as if he possibly used a poor choice of words maybe ask his intentions behind them.

I think you’re placing too much emphasis on they’ll leave your bed when ready because if you’re honest, them being ready isn’t on the horizon. You’re bed has become your children's dummy and most children don’t give those up without a parent’s active encouragement. Your ND child is trickier because of his ND and childhood trauma.

It doesn’t sound like you’re current set up is conducive to the relationship that this man wants. I think it is good that he’s stopped nodding and smiling and has been honest about his feelings now that he has skin in the game. Your sleeping arrangements before you decided to embark on a relationship, didn't impact him the way it will now you are a couple.

Because most people eventually want to live with their partners.

You don't need to move in together.

I've been a lone parent for 14 years, been seeing my DP for 7 and we are only just about to move in together next year because both of our kids are now ready for it.

Centre your kids and what they need, if he is a good guy as you say it will work out.

And yes I have only seen my DP once a week apart from the odd holiday/break on our own.

The most people aren't prioritising their children. Doesn't mean the OP has to follow the herd, if that is, indeed, the case.

I have a DS (8) with ASD that still needs human contact to sleep. We don’t have a big enough bed for 3, so mostly he’s in with me, sometimes it’s his dad.

My partner and I have slept together a handful of times in the last few years, but it has had absolutely no effect on our intimacy, or sex life. It’s just a different set up.

In effect what your boyfriend is saying is that he wants your son to sleep alone, so that he, as an adult, doesn’t have to. That would be deeply unattractive to me.

There are some cultures where children regularly share the bed with their parents even as teenagers. Personally, mine have co-slept with me for years.
DP on the other hand has children that are in their own rooms and own beds.
I think it's preference and the children themselves.

He's made a suggestion if you don't want to implement his suggestion, don't.

You've said he is frustrated by the situation. I think he's worded it wrongly but I guess it's OK for him to ask how this might progress as he's not going to sleep in the same bed as your children but you are talking about the future together. I'm wondering also of he's talked to someone else and they've said this and ge should've reframed it before saying it to you. If you aren't on the shame hymn sheet and time frame then it's not working.

I think you need to separate the 2 issues. The first is whether or not you should be transitioning your son to sleeping on his own, irrespective of any boyfriend. It sounds like you probably should, and that you think you should. But you need to do this on your own terms and to your son's timetable not at the behest of anyone else.

The second is whether he is actually a decent man. If you've only been seeing him a couple of months and he's "getting frustrated" at seeing you twice a week when he knows the circumstances, it's probably a red flag. How is he expressing this frustration? Could he have appeared supportive in order to get you in this position?

I would be very careful. You are vulnerable coming out of an abusive relationship. There are lots and lots of abusive men who pounce on easy targets like this, and bide their time beforehand. If he is pushy at all about how slowly things are moving then take a big step back.