Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

[Tangofantastic]

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

I think you’ve done what’s been right for you and your kids so far, and that’s been right and good. But I also think that if you now want this relationship to develop, it’s time to at least start working towards change.

Sometimes when we are trying to have difficult conversations we don’t always get things perfectly right with nuance or tone and I think that’s what’s happened here. Your boyfriend has raised something which you do need to talk about, but hasn’t quite got it right.

I think that it’s fine to loop back to the conversation and say that his choice of words upset you. I also think that you need a conversation about which direction your relationship is going. I think that he has raised this because he has good boundaries around not sharing a bed with an unrelated child and he is thinking about moving in together/blending families in the future.

I’m a single parent and whilst I date when they are with their dad, and I’ve had one longer partner in that time, I don’t intend to live with anyone else until the children are much older. Given the trauma which the kids experienced with their dad, ultimately this may be the best choice for you too.

In your position I would probably set out quite clearly what you will and won’t be willing to do, and how you see that working for the relationship. I’d also make it clear that he doesn’t get a say in how you parent. And just say that you’re not transitioning your son out of your bed until he is ready.

Around the bed sharing in your position my concern actually would be the two kids bed sharing as your son hits puberty especially if he struggles a bit with social and emotional understanding. So, in your position I think that I would be transitioning the younger child to her own bed slowly over a period of some months. The floor bed discussed here is a good half way house, as is insisting on bedtime and going to sleep in their own beds but allowing them to come in during the night if they wake.

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with what he has said - he's thinking of the future and natural development of the relationship and understands that you can't co sleep with your children if he is there, and tbh I do think co sleeping that late on isn't particularly helpful. The odd time, yes, but not every night.

Are. your children getting any counselling or other help? In your shoes I would just be concerned about their ability to cope if, say, you were ill so that the night time routine simply had to change.

How long have you been in a relationship for OP? Not the friends part, the actual relationship.

Kids first - that’s all!

I can see his point tbh
I dated someone who bed shared and to be honest it was the end of our relationship.

I 100% feel different as a parent but as an unrelated boyfriend/girlfriend I wouldn't want to share. Not because I think there's anything wrong with bed sharing, but because it feels inappropriate as a step parent and especially a new not in a step parent role partner.

The age increases the issue because it would ring less alarm bells socially if say it came out that your 2 year old was sleeping in a bed with me, but I feel like that it would be a safeguarding if it was a new partner sleeping in a bed with a 10 year old even once.

For me, it's not a problem with bedsharing as a principle (I've subsequently bed shared with my own dc) but what this means for an adult relationship.

I wonder if you've agreed to take a slow approach but you might need to figure out how slow, slow is

As some posters have described here they invisage seeing their partners a few hours a week with no sleep overs, for years until the kids are grown up, and them very rarely meeting the kids before they would entertain living together. Others might take it as slow intros but within a few years we will live together.

I would think you need to have a clear chat about time frames, where a relationship is going and how you invisage the future.

I don't think it's bullying etc as others have said for him to comment on it.

My own relationship ended not because I thought she was a terrible person for bed sharing but because it was clear they needed a really long amount of time as their own family unit, and it would be at least a decade until I might be part of that. Until that point (with very limited overnight care), there would be no holidays, no evenings snuggled watching films, going out for drinks (as someone always needs to drive home), really limited sex, and stuck in the early stages of dating. She was a brilliant mum but I tried it for a while, but I found it didn't meet my needs in a relationship and I found it hard waiting for the future to come as I felt very at arms reach from her. I also was concerned that actually that because of her ex, that actually regardless of the parenting side, that she wasn't ready to have some one be her partner, that she needed to heal independently especially around trust. I wondered if actually she would have been uncomfortable with a regular sex life and sharing a bed with another person regardless.

If you've only been seeing him a couple of months and he's "getting frustrated" at seeing you twice a week when he knows the circumstances, it's probably a red flag. How is he expressing this frustration? Could he have appeared supportive in order to get you in this position?

Can a person not get frustrated and understand at the same time @Planesmistakenforstars ? I know I can.

Your children, your choice, but it's hardly abusive to want to sleep in a bed with one's partner.

I can see that it would be very frustrating for a partner that the person they have a relationship with co-sleeps at this age.

He has feelings for you and is probably worried about getting hurt if your relationship can't progress for a long time.

Why not have a chat with him about plans for the future, even if you think another year or two is appropriate for your dc to co sleep? At least then he can decide whether he's happy to wait.

I let my dd co sleep until 11 when she wanted to. Equally I had a partner who let dc co sleep for longer. It can impact a romantic relationship if you're not very available.

Regardless of the man, it's probably good if you can get the kids to sleep in their own rooms now.

Your new partner's sudden change of reaction sounds like a red flag to me. Going from being fully supportive to now saying your set up is 'strange'?

If he's not comfortable with the way you're dealing with your traumatised children who both have challenging conditions, then he's not the support you need.

Prioritise your children and their one childhood.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

I left DC’s dad 10 years ago, I haven’t been able to have another relationship since or anyone stay over. My dc both have autism and to most people our home life is a little crazy, we have gone through various stages of kids refusing to wear clothes, kids not sleeping in their own beds as well as all the other ASD traits. There’s not a chance in hell I would want to introduce another person into this, my dc are priority and I know they would have felt uncomfortable having a man stay here. I have managed to date people but have been pretty clear about my situation and that things go no further than dating. It’s been lonely at times and there have been times I resent my dc and the situation we are in but it’s not their faults. No man would be coming into my life telling me how to parent my autistic kids. My dc are now 19 and 17 and I am now considering a relationship with someone I have been friends with for a while but he is someone who has also raised a child with autism (now an adult dc).

I think you need to lay the cards on the table and say that your happy to meet up out of the house (away from the DC’s) but at the moment that’s all you are looking for as your dc are priority. If he doesn’t like it then it’s over.

Please don’t make your dc uncomfortable by having him in the house, your dc will grow up and things will get easier even though it feels like a long time to wait.

I don't think he's wrong to want to be able to share a bed (alone) with his romantic partner. Sex is an important part of relationships, it doesn't mean someone is a bad person because they prioritise it. And it isn't just about sex of course. It's just the physical connection, cuddles and so forth.

I ALSO don't think you're wrong to do what is right for your children.

Unfortunately, however, these two things appear to be incompatible. It doesn't mean he's a bad or wrong person (although his wording was clumsy). It certainly doesn't mean you are. It means you don't fit together.

One or other of you could compromise to create a better fit, but if neither of you will be happy with your potential compromise position, it may be worth kindly accepting that this isn't the right thing at the right moment, wishing each other well, and moving on.

How long has this slow burn relationship been going on? Being understanding at first is fair enough, you would hope any new partner would be but at some point you need to make a judgement call, is this relationship going anywhere? If staying over isn't possible due to bed sharing I can understand him having doubts that things will ever change.

If you say it's only been a month i'd be on your side, if it's many months Im more understanding of him. Relationships work both ways and even understanding men have limits (and understanding women i should add) we have adults with additional needs, one severe and whilst we make lots of adjustments for her, we have space for ourselves too

I agree with those saying you’re probably not in the right place for a relationship.
Id say concentrate on giving your children what they need now, which you are doing, until they feel ready to move out.
I’d struggle to have a good night sleep with both children in my bed though so i’d be trying every trick in the book to sleep separately.

You know it's not strange, OP - he's your son! He has ASD, parenting is going to be different at times. There's not one size fits all with any kids, your bf is being an idiot. I'd be seeing it as a red flag, I'm sure this is how he really feels and whatever went on before was an act. Proceed with caution, you might have found another controlling asshole.

Can a person not get frustrated and understand at the same time @Planesmistakenforstars? I know I can.

Yes. But he knows that the circumstances are a non NT boy with deep trauma, triggered by seeing his mum with another man. And that she can't see him more due to childcare. Hence asking what the frustration looks like and how it's expressed, plus how long they've been seeing each other. E.g "For fuck's sake this is getting ridiculous" in a 2 month relationship vs "I'm finding it hard not seeing you often" after 8 months are really, really different things.

I also think he has a point. He probably didn’t word it very well but I think it’s time for you to start slowly implementing changes. They can’t sleep with you indefinitely and as the parent you’ll need to be the one to navigate the changes, I doubt the children will do it independently as this is the only way they know.

hes probably sick of it

I also think that hes probably worried the bed sharing won't come to an end naturally

As a nd person, I don't think I would have understood when I need personal space and when I should be leaving my parents bedroom. Not all nd kids get that need for privacy suddenly at puberty, I certainly didn't.

You might want to start supporting your DC with this transition but only if you feel it is right for you and your child.

As a separate issue it is none of your boyfriend's business and given your history with a controlling partner this kind of slightly-overstepping comment is a red flag, tbh. Did you do the Freedom Programme or receive any other support after separating from your ex?

You’re an amazing mum and you’re putting your kids first which is lovely. It’s not strange, that’s cruel of him to say that. It’s unusual but it’s understandable. Your kids will probably want to stay in their own rooms at some point, but who knows when that will be.

If you’re happy for them to transition to their own beds at their own pace you need to tell your partner that, they he needs to decide if he’s happy to wait. Him pressuring you helps no-one.

I can’t really understand people voting YABU. Your house your rules surely. Family comes first.

OP you sound like a fantastic mum. Very in tune with kids needs. Your son (and daughter) are very very lucky to have you.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with, and you are doing a fantastic job.

I would be questioning whether I really want the added pressure of a boyfriend telling me how I should be parenting my kids (presumably for his own benefit, because he wants to sleep in your bed).

I would be ending things now - before you end up living together.