Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

[Tangofantastic]

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

I don’t know what to make of your boyfriend’s comment.

as for your son, you aren’t wrong to prioritize his need for comfort and sleep. ASD kids often benefit from co-sleeping and if he has experienced trauma I wouldn’t be in a rush to end things .

I am a big fan of the floor bed option. It’s what we did for our own child. It’s less permanent than setting up a cot in your room for him, but it provides a separate space that is still very close . It took my dd several years to transition out of our bed, to the floor bed and then into her room. There came a point it was propped up on a wall it was used so seldom, but she still would occasionally enter in the middle of the night and just set herself up. Then one day we realized it had been over a year since she had used it and with her permission it was retired.

I agree with @Mumtobabyhavoc , I think he's been discussing it with someone else and they've said it's weird, so he's changed his viewpoint.

You and your DC have obviously been through so much, I'm not surprised they're clinging to you. It's a shame your friend doesn't seem to be as supportive now.

My 14 year old DS would still probably quite happily crawl into bed with me occasionally! My eldest wouldn't as he likes his space.

This was my first thought. Basically he's fed up and no longer filtering.

Autism or not, bad experience or not, it really is not healthy for anyone for two (not just one!) children to be sleeping with you. Boundaries need to be put in place, especially when a child has autism - and he will get upset, but that's tough sadly, he will eventually get used to it. It sounds like it's gone on far too long and now you're afraid of breaking the habit. Did he/they sleep with you when you were with their father?

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change.

@Tangofantastic he has overstepped. He doesn’t get to tell you how to parent your children, or dictate parental decisions. And telling you that it is strange to still allow your 10 yr old son to co sleep with you is not respectful.

He can disagree respectfully and acknowledge that he would parent differently. But, he still should accept that even though he would (if he was a parent) make different parenting decisions doesn’t mean that you are wrong or strange to do it your way. He should accept that you know your children best and know exactly what the right parenting decisions are for you and your child. And not undermine you.

However, I think this is more about him wanting more from you then you are able or prepared to give. And really, he just needs to accept that he can’t have more right now. And he shouldn’t be trying to manipulate you into putting his wants above yours and your children’s needs.

But it is strange. You yourself admit this when you say you have a unique setup. It's not normal. That doesn't mean it's wrong but it isn't normal. You admit this yourself, so I don't understand why you're shocked he would state a fact? What about school overnight trips, sleepovers etc? You seem too busy living in the now that you are not looking ahead and planning. The situation isn't healthy for any of you and he was right to say something. He wouldn't be doing his part as a friend if he didn't try to make you think.

he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

No he’s not, sounds like he’s trying to control the way you parent your traumatised children.

He's been supportive for a long time. He hasn't pressured her. He made one comment. People attacking this man, who seems far more supportive than most would be, are out of line imo. He has been from all accounts, extremely supportive. Most men would not accept this.

Kids come first.

I think it is time that you suggest to the kids that they have their own beds - on the floor of your room and then, ideally, in their own rooms.
You have to start some time as sleeping with you is not sustainable for many more years. The sooner you start, the slower you can take it.

It's not appropriate for them to share a bed with your partner and I think he understands that. You will want a full relationship with your partner so I think he is doing you both a favour in bringing up the issue.

You deserve your own space and the kids need to grow up.

Maybe I am wrong but I always understood that a boy who has gone through puberty and sleeps with his mum has a conflict between sexual desire and the fact that the mother is out of bounds and said conflict can cause them lifelong problems. I am not a psychologist so I don't know if that is really the case or not.

I would hardly call what these kids have been through "a bad experience". Trauma is very very real, and the op says he has PTSD. I have CPTSD an adult and it's a fucking nightmare.

Adverse childhood experiences, alongside neurodiversity is no walk in the park. I also have several of these. You just come over as unsympathetic, minimising what this poor kid has been through.

I think they’re too old to be sleeping with you. My son slept with me until he was about 6 but I felt it was the right age to transition when he got to that age. We spent a few weeks discussing it and why he couldn’t sleep in mummy’s bed anymore. He wasn’t keen and the first night he screamed all night. The second night was better and by the third he was fine with it.

I agree.

You should always put your kids first OP but I don't think you're compatible at the moment. He wants a sexual relationship with you. He's entitled to that.

So you should carry on putting your kids first, but I don't think the relationship will work.

Yanbu

That's basically what I was trying to say but this explains it better

It's ok to pass a post by without comment when it's clear that you don't know anything about the subject you know.

Have you read about the trauma these children have experienced or the fact that the 10 year old has autism?

If it needs to be your voice, could you record some stories on a CD for him and put them in an old school CD player / headphones? Or give him a tablet with sound cancelling headphones and have reassurance and some stories to listen to so he has your voice but you get some privacy? If you haven't tried that, I'd give that a go.

I know he said all the right things previously, but this is not the right time for him to be in your life in this capacity.

you’re a great mum by the sounds, keep prioritising those kids- and yourself.

this man isn’t the right man, right now. Maybe later.

I do think 10 years is far too old for this

This is a really good point.

@Tangofantastic it sounds to me like you are giving your children what they need right now which is important.

Yes, it would be great if they both felt able to sleep in their own beds but at the moment they don't so I say, go with it.

You said your son would struggle with you being in a new relationship with a man. That's very common for children who have experienced domestic abuse so likely more challenging for him given his neurodiversity and the way he might understand/process things.

It sounds like your boyfriend has tried to be understanding but has become impatient. He might have thought he was able to take it at the pace your family needs but in reality he probably thought this would be resolved before now.

You both need to be honest about what's happening here and probably accept this isn't the right time for this relationship unless he can accept that your children are your priority always.

Not every relationship has to follow the same pathway-stay over, move in, blend lives and families and that's often not the right thing when kids are involved.
It's ok to date, be more casual, never plan to live together etc you just both have to want this. It won't work if one partner is constantly wanting/needing more than the other person is able/willing to give.

I also think he's too old. Some good suggestions on this thread.

Yes he has PTSD, but he will be going into puberty soon. There's a chance he will start having wet dreams. He needs his own privacy and you need yours, regardless of your new partner or not OP.
You sound like an excellent mum. And part of being a good parent is to make the right choices so our children can thrive.

Putting your son first will be to help him gain his trust back in life, to show him he is safe and he can sleep independently. If he has PTSD, you don't want to exacerbate that and he get bullied at school if his classmates find out he's still sleeping with you as a tween. It will get to the point where it will benefit him to start sleeping independently. Posters saying he will do it in his own time etc, his brain is very traumatised. He may not know how or get the signals to do it. Especially if he has autism.

I'd start the transition very very slowly. Best of luck OP.

@bigbish it really isn't a good point. It's meaningless, cod psychology that doesn't reflect the situation here.