To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

If you work you have to accept you can’t do everything. I have really struggled with leave this year as my youngest had just started reception and basically had 2 weeks of buggering about requiring lots of annual leave. This has meant I just don’t have any flex to take half days for random school stuff other than nativity and sports day. I had to miss a concert my daughter did and I felt like the world’s worst parent and she cried all evening.

I can get away with things at lunchtime or first thing in the morning. I can’t get away with random things at 10.30 or 2.30 or things that fall on an office day. What has surprised me though is so many people seem to manage whether that’s having grandparents nearby, a sahp or seemingly taking the piss and pretending to be wfh. It’s the latter ones I am in slight awe of as I don’t understand how so many people seem to get away with it. I have a lot of flex really but also have core hours where I am absolutely expected to be at my laptop working if I’m at home.

I hate this. I'm a full-time teacher myself and never get to go to my children's events. It would break my heart if my child came home with an invite. We do minimal things at my school because most families are made up of working parents but my children's school do a few events every half term. Drives me mad.

And the transport thing is a pain because schools seemingly can’t afford coaches anymore so they’re in a rock and hard place. Children should get the opportunity to go offsite but schools seem to be getting around not paying for coaches by expecting parents to randomly play taxi in the middle of the day.

I had a massive strop about one such occasion. We were both over an hour away for work, had wrap around care booked until 6 and couldn’t just transport our daughter. I was told it was mandatory and would need to find someone to give her a lift. I don’t get annoyed by school inviting parents in- I do get annoyed with them taking kids off site and expecting parents to manage that.

It is if you are lucky with your school management, but often that is not the case - as I said, whole schools have no parents at all among the teaching staff.

My previous school had a few Saturday fathers but no mothers of children at all - it would have been totally impossible to get any sort of wrap around care for the hours involved, and on the two occasions I saw mothers of school age children appointed, they had resigned within weeks

@Bunnycat101 - we also had that. Told of an overnight camp with 10 days’ notice, best part of £200 to pay and then we had to drive them there ourselves (hour round trip) for 9:30am and pick up the next day for 2pm. Managed to do just one half of that via a lift share but still. Really? We both have full time jobs a distance from home. As I said, we’ve moved schools since as they were just taking the piss by the end of last year 🤯

I’d love to get inside my kids school - they never have anything like this! They only just went back to in person parents evenings this year.

AND they now can’t tell you the other children attending said event (GDPR) so you have to guess who might have also been selected (year group of 90) who might be able to lift share. Argh!!

It's part and parcel of being a parent. Schools are doing a great job, be grateful

retending to be wfh. It’s the latter ones I am in slight awe of as I don’t understand how so many people seem to get away with it. I have a lot of flex really but also have core hours where I am absolutely expected to be at my laptop working if I’m at home.

Every job is different.

I have a senior role where broadly I am expected to manage my own time. I go the extra mile for my employer all the time, regularly handling crises at evenings/weekends. In return, they are fine with me (with enough notice that it doesn't clash with something important) taking a bit of time during the school day for this sort of thing.

But where will the money come from to pay all this overtime? School’s budgets are cut to the bone as it is.

I got a job working nights so I’m free for the DC during the day.

Overall I do just find it odd. I have no recollection of my parents ever coming into school other than for plays and parents' evening. Not because they were invited and didn't turn up, it just wasn't something that happened.

Yeah, my recollection is the same - and ironically there were far more SAHMs when I was at school (90s). My mum was quite unusual for working at all, let alone full time.

I remember them coming for concerts, plays and parents’ evenings, which were in the evening.

Dumb.

I'm a primary school teacher and have never been able to attend any of my own children's events during the day. That stings a bit.

At DC's primary, lots of presentations, performances and assemblies are held in the middle of the day, and plenty of parents who are able to hybrid / flexi work or who WFH (or even just take leave during term-time) always attend so it works for some families, I suppose.

Teaching isn't family friendly.

Its an Ofsted thing, ticking a box for involving parents. Lots can't go so don't worry about it.

That's when the much-hated-on-MN class groups/page/whatsapp become useful.

"who can give a lift to my child that day at that time?"
done.

I’m a teacher and I hate having to ask parents to attend things. Funny thing is, as a teacher, I can’t attend anything myself! Tbh I hate the constant messages bothering parents throughout their day, changing PE days, changing trips, changing special lunch day etc etc. It must be a nightmare for the parents and they must blame me. Don’t shoot the messenger

My parents attended nothing except parents evening. They couldn't due to work, it was just how it was and I accepted it

You don't get much sleep then?

@CaptainMyCaptain

Thing is the kids then feel shit if they are the only one without a parent there.

School happy event is scheduled
Ofsted have ticked the box and are happy
Working parents unhappy
Kids of working parents sad to not have someone cheering them on/ seeing their work etc.

I don't disagree that it's difficult but, as a teacher, I had no say in it. The order came from above (childless SLT as it happens ).

Events in the evening don't work either:

Teacher's working hours (directed time) has a limit - teachers don't get overtime.
Caretakers' extra time.
Primary school children are tired in the evening.
Parents have other children at home who need to go to bed/go to cubs, brownies etc/ just relax after a busy day. It's hard to get people to come out in the evening.

Primary school was a nightmare for this. It didn’t happen at all at secondary school; does anyone know why management at secondary schools aren’t being badgered by Ofsted about this in the same way?

My kids are in their twenties now. But back in the day, I wasn’t able to just drop work to attend the frequent primary school events. Like many people we knew, we settled after uni and family were at the other end of the country. For a few years we had a childminder who did drop offs and collections. I recall one awful primary teacher seeing me collect one day and saying “Oh, it’s nice to see mum…” (“Mum”!) in the most awful way. She knew I worked in the NHS (in a psychiatric hospital back then) and couldn’t just cancel patients to sit in assemblies or read or whatever. That was the day she asked me if I’d like to take some annual leave so I could dress up as a pirate and play in the playground with a picnic. Batshit. She had enrolled her own children in this school, despite living out of catchment area (which I believe isn’t uncommon). So no awareness at all of the reality for most working parents, I don’t think.

Teachers do say their job is stressful. I’m sure it is. But people who work with trauma day in and out (NHS, police etc) have a completely different experience of working life with its long term horror and stress. To expect them to be able to just leave colleagues to it, and pop in like this to do some colouring in made me think think they absolutely did not live in the real world.

Parents evenings should definitely be in the evening
Most professional jobs require some degree of unpaid overtime

So why they assume the rest of the (female) adult population doesn't work, goodness knows.

I don't think they mostly do assume it. They know women work. They know some people will be able to attend and some won't.

You are not unreasonable; primary school was awful for this. I was very glad when it ended. The assumption that I could drop everything at a few hours notice drove me mad.