To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

I’m really fortunate that I am able to wfh and work with an understanding company: so I can nip out to go to these schools events.

many parents aren’t. And it’s bloody heartbreaking turning up. My sons face lights up seeing me. And then there are a bunch of kids whose parents simply cannot attend during their working hours. The wee faces constantly looking to the door to see if their mammy or daddy has turned up really breaks my heat every time

I feel awful missing things (I work part time as a secondary teacher myself); I always try to make sure DH or grandparents are there instead so there is always at least one person there to make a fuss of them and make them feel important. But the guilt is just awful even though logically I know it's not my fault.

My headteacher is brilliant about letting me go to my kids nativity play each year though (I beg favours to get lovely colleagues to cover me). I beyond appreciate the goodwill, and it genuinely actually has kept me from applying for other jobs as I know she doesn't have to say yes, and don't know that other head teachers would.

There was one awful year that both childrens Christmas performances fell on my work days and I basically had to choose a child whose performance I would ask for time off for - I cried so much picking between them! I've never yet made it to one of DD's sports days either because it's never fallen right. And I missed the harvest festival this year and DS practiced his song SO beautifully and was really proud of himself. It's really crap missing stuff!

This is so well put!

I hate it too. I teach KS1 and put on around 3 performances over a school year and I get to go to 1 of my own children’s performances (as unpaid parental leave). It stings every single time. I make sure that I remind my classes that not all parents are able to be there and give extra hugs too.

YANBU. When I was a kid, in the 1980s, parents came into the school twice a year: nativity play at Christmas and sports day in the summer. Then parents' evening was in the actual evening.

And none of this constant being expected to send things in either. Maybe occasionally you'd have to bring an egg cartoon in or something, or mufti day (so normal weekend clothes) but not having to dress your kids up in special costumes for world book day, Comic Relief, what have you.

Yet it was much more common then for women to not work, and there was less financial pressure on families.

I don't know why - given it's now almost impossible to live on a single income, unless you're a very high earner/married to a very high earner - there's the expectation of parents running into the school at the drop of a hat.

I think you are projecting. I don’t believe for a second the school was trying to make kids feel bad. As for parents - if it really was bollocks, then there was no need to have given a shit about it in the first place, let alone to send a message about your need to pay your mortgage. If the school really had a problem with your attitude towards your child’s education, or attendance at events taking place in the middle of the day, it would have contacted you individually about it, not sent a round robin to the entire school community. There is no point overreacting to a message that has gone out to everyone. If you can’t go, you can’t go.

Just go to a few things when you can. I'm sure there are no parents who go to everything. It's ok for your child to be slightly disappointed. They will cope!

If you are a 2 parent family and both work full time office hours so can't attend anything then that's a choice you have made, you can't expect the school not to hold any events for parents even though most families will have someone available at some times throughout the week.

It's a strange assumption to pretend parents who could go to everything even want or bother to go to everything.

@TurquoiseMermaid - I used to think in more paranoid moments that it was some patriarchal revenge against women working so in being mithered by constant requests you could still say you were "mothering".

Wrong thread?

I think there are ofsted requirements to show they are inviting parents into the school and in partnership with them.

I just told my children I had to work so couldn’t attend everything right from the start. My ex (their dad) and I would take turns to get to the most important
ones such as if they were receiving a reward, sports day or information events such as for school trips.

YANBU, they must know that parents can't just drop work to go to school events, saying things like "strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend" isn't on, its not going to be possible for so many parents and will just make them feel bad, and their children feel like they're missing out.

Glad its not like that at my DD's school, they have one day in the school year where parents are invited to attend but most parents work so hardly any come and the children don't notice so much because its a busy day trying out different sporting activities, plus the end of year celebration which is held on a Saturday so its easier for working parents to go to. They mention parents being able to come watch things like sports day but its not expected at all so the children aren't expecting their parents to come watch - I went last year and was pretty much the only parent there.

At my son's infant school, the head made a point of saying " We will sing this song extra loud/ clap extra loud , so all the Mums, Dads, Nans and Grandads who are at work or at home can hear us.

Your children will only be young for a short time.

It hurts but also they will never be primary school children again but we will work until pension age if we’re fortunate. As long as the school is reasonable and doesn’t overdo the events it’s part and parcel of parenting.

Without even reading the whole thread...what a load of baloney. Brush that nonsense and guilt off. Do what is right for u and ur kids. The school is desperate to do well in Ofsted and million other targets that are stressing them out, but that's nothing to do with u.
Forget it. What a load of nonsense.
You sound a nice kind person. Don't be guilt tripped.

🤦‍♀️ just absolutely no!

Havent RTFT but yes we do! I have missed several of my child’s own things to stay at work. However, we are under guidelines to show that we work with our parents and do as many things as we can to make parents a part of our school life. Ofsted judge us on it! You have no idea how hard it is to plan (in your own time), resource, and set up activities to do during these ‘events’ for parents not to turn up! It’s soul destroying.

So, yes, we do…BUT we have to try an engage our parents in the best ways possible! Hand written invites are pretty cute!

On what basis are teachers not paid for the entirety of their leave? They receive an annual salary, paid monthly over twelve months. They do not have a period where they are not paid (unlike teaching assistants for example). And when striking, I believe the unpaid leave is calculated as it would be everywhere else, it’s not deducted at a higher rate to reflect this mythical unpaid holiday.

On what basis are teachers not paid for the entirety of their leave?

I believe they are paid pro-rata, but their annual salary is then divided by 12, so they are paid the same amount every month, school holiday or not.

What is even more annoying is that DH attended everything and was treated like a GOD for it. Waited on hand and foot. Never asked to help and served coffees. So annoying.

YANBU , but does your child have 2 parents ? Apologies if not, but half of these events is a lot easier than all of them .

You have no idea how hard it is to plan (in your own time), resource, and set up activities to do during these ‘events’ for parents not to turn up! It’s soul destroying.

You would think some of this effort could include giving parents some notice!

You should tell my DH his secret, I don't believe he ever got any special treatment, neither are any of the dads I've seen when I went to these events 😂

My 10 year old came home today with an invite for tomorrow at 15.00. After a bit of questioning they’ve made an interactive map. Great, but no.