To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

Piffle.
Schools are often staffed with people who can't attend their own children's events, so you'd think they would do more to manage the children's expectations rather than making them make a hand made invitation.

Do they invite the dads?

Yes it's a pain. When my eldest first went to school parents evenings were literally "in the evening", 5-7pm. I commuted so I still had to leave work early but it was doable.

There is a big gap between my kids and although youngest goes to the same school the meetings are now during the school day only. Particularly infuriating- they still call it "parents EVENING". Topically there was one today and we were only told last week. Luckily i was WFH and managed to find a slot between work calls, but at other times there has been no way for either me or her dad to go.

Then when we haven't booked in we get a call expressing "concern" that it's "really very important to attend" and they've offered us a telephone call slot instead but rather huffily as if they are annoyed with us for actually, you know, working like them

One of the more forthright parents asked on the school FB page why it had been changed from evening to daytime and was told "teachers don't want to have meetings after school when they've been working hard all day already". I'm sure they do work very hard but so do we! I've seen teachers posting on here that they are so busy at school they don't have time to go to the toilet. So it's surprising they manage to wedge all the parent/teacher meetings into the school day.

My DC’s primary ran on the basis that there was someone at home ready available to do whatever they requoired
When my DH and I both WFH ,if he answered the phone they would ask for me
Just do what you can manage and ignore the rest

Yes, it's a pain. Being able to go into your kids school is lovely but getting a couple of days notice or scheduling things in the middle of the day is unhelpful. At DDs school it often felt like disorganisation including telling us about an inset day a week or so before (surely these are scheduled at the beginning of the year) and moving parents evening to the afternoon and closing the school to do it at really short notice. In the case of DDs school a lot of parents raised it with the head and it did get better for awhile.

To be honest, schools are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

People moaned they weren't involved and had no idea little Sally had won a certificate, they would love to have more events to build a rapport with the school.
Now people moan it's during working hours - what are they meant to do?

Most parents work and children understand you can't be there for every single thing - if you explain how life works. Just celebrate whatever the achievement at a weekend together. Try and make the most important ones like plays.

As long as you make your child feel special, I really can't see why it's the schools fault.

There are whole schools where non of the teachers are parents, because teaching can be totally incompatible with family life

Oh god is this still going on?

When my DS was small his primary would spring stuff that day or the next and ask us to attend every mass every week. Or bake cakes for tomorrow (I find out at 6pm) or always something. I told and told them I was a single mother working full time.

I went to as much as I could but my job then wasn't flexible. I had to work.

His high school was much better as most mothers worked and anything was in the evening.

@SacAMain they could eg get primary pupils to perform for older / younger pupils and write a letter to family afterwards to tell them about it

My DC's school provide a schedule of events at the beginning of term so we can at least try to attend most things. It's actually not the attending which is the issue, as my work is pretty flexible, but I don't have childcare for my 1yo and since younger siblings are not welcome at most events, we have to decide which to book a babysitter for. We can't complain though... it's only very rarely that they spring unexpected events on us.

It’s really hard. Are you a lone parent? I find we can just about manage it between me and DH, so that one of us attends everything, but it must be doubly hard for lone parents.

I do really appreciate the effort schools go to to include parents, but I think the things they can do to help children of working parents are:
a) having events at the beginning and end of the working day,
b) giving plenty of notice (ideally a month at least),
c) not clustering events together in one week in the run-up to school holidays, and
d) being transparent with parents about the stuff that really matters, as opposed to the stuff that’s nice if possible.

with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

They invite you. That doesn't mean they expect everybody to be able to attend. Schools are open during the day time, so that's when they have most events. Teachers know that not all parents can attend school events, since they (if they work ft) will also not be able to attend their own children's events (unless they work at their child's school). An invitation is not a summons.

Nope. I dropped any mum guilt about school events the second they decided they could close on a whim. It goes both ways.

Well obviously schools should organise stuff for during the school day. It's absolutely ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
What's your point? Kids shouldnt get to have special events with parents attending? I loved going to them at my kids school. I'd be pissed off if my kids missed out on inviting me in to see their work, show, whatever, because some parents couldn't make it! You do what you can to attend. If you can't that's not the schools fault!

Teaching is VERY compatible with family life!

I agree OP, although I don't think they do it on purpose, and I think in some schools most children do have a parent at home.

My son's school called me to collect him after a bump in the playground, and were MOST concerned and disbelieving when I said it would take me 45 minutes to get there. It wasn't an emergency or anything, they just wanted someone to collect him immediately because he was sitting in the office until I could get him. The sad faces and reproachful passive aggressive comments when it took me the full 45 minutes made me very angry. They know mothers work. They are AT WORK THEMSELVES, not sitting at home waiting to teleport themselves to their child's school the one day in 2,000 that they are asked to go.

So they should never have evening performances of plays or concerts?

If that's not appropriate, they should at least consider having whatever event it is first thing in the morning so that parents can go straight on to work. Putting it in the middle of the day is the worst of all possible worlds.

I hear you OP - three days notice for a Welcome to the Sixth Form 'evening' from 4pm until 6pm. When I asked what the arrangements were for parents who worked, I was told "It does go on til 6" 🙄

@BoohooWoohoo it's not teachers that organise these events but people higher up. Your comment about the irony etc was ridiculous. The point being made is teachers themselves understand how difficult it is. Like other parents I just explained to my disappointed daughter that I was working, like other parents.

Am yet to enjoy the delights of primary but I find it fascinating that a government that wants every fucker working for as long as possible and makes life as a SAHM as difficult as possible also has education policies that enables /encourages schools to do this.

Its positively Kafka-esque.

This was a real issue at our kids primary, also the lack of notice. Eg 1 week for nativity, which the school had had in the calendar since sept.

No amount of moaning got it. Head and deputy both single.

The head changed and new head was a parent.

One complaint and she was appalled that the school was running that way, calendars out in sept. No dress up/bring things in days without 2 weeks notice and multiple opportunities ot come in some day, some twilight at pick up and some evening.

Made such a difference.

Having read the responses after I posted, I think I can safely bet who the teachers and stay-at-home parents are on this thread!

You have to trust that the school you have chosen to send your child to, will put the interests of the children first.
If they don't think events work well first thing in the day, there is a good reason for that. They work with all of the children in the school and have experience of putting events on that involve kids. If they think that the children are going to get the best out of it, in the middle of the day, then that's when they will do it.
Their priority is the children. Not if Jackie can get the time off. Mid day worked OK for me, I'd class it as my lunch break. First thing would have been harder, as I had to set tasks at the start of the day. See? You can't please everyone, so it's best to think of the kids first.

It’s not only working parents but also those children whose parents don’t give a toss it’s those that are affected too

What do you mean "do they invite the dads?"

Isn't a dad a PARENT? Who can the invitation to "parents" (and usually carers) be for?

even SAH parents can't be in 2 places at once. As soon as there are more than 1 only child, parents have to pick one event when they happen at the same time.