To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

and I guess schools probably can't win!

Exactly. They are pulled this way and that between Ofsted expectations, opposing parental preferences, keeping the kids happy and not adding to already excessive teacher workloads. It is literally impossible to please everyone.

Sports day definitely not. That one was probably the one that surprised me the most. I don't see that as a public event at all.

The occasional Harvest festival stuff ideally yes, it wouldn't involve parents but I get why it does a bit.

Overall I do just find it odd. I have no recollection of my parents ever coming into school other than for plays and parents' evening. Not because they were invited and didn't turn up, it just wasn't something that happened.

It's nice being there when I can but it's hard to get there and I'd rather it didn't happen at all to save those who have even harder schedules from feeling guilty.

I never saw school as something I was expected to be involved with other than actual performances. Our school probably has the right balance I suppose.

Ours are generally pretty good to be fair. They tend to give a decent amount of notice and will tag things onto the beginning or end of the school day when they can. With a bit of juggling, usually either DH or I can make it although rarely both at once.

I’d be very annoyed in your situation though and the handwritten invitation probably seemed a good idea at the time but wasn’t very considerate of the school.

This is no longer issue for me as a children older but am still bemused how parents evening suddenly become 3-5.30pm rather than say 6-8pm as it was for my parents. I know it’s a long, tiring day for teachers but surely they must realise that working parents cant just get there before 5.30? (Or to the zoom call before 5.30 😂)

My school doesn't do this! Can't think of the last time this was done with the exception of sports day and nativity which are both obviously only once a year.

My school still has parent’s evenings 4.40-7.30. The reason why a lot have been brought forward is due to our “trapped time” so for me, I finish school at 3.40 yet am sitting around (unpaid) til 4.40 to begin. Schools that start at end of the day consider that for their staff.

anywhoo OP. I don’t events and neither does DH - we’re both teachers. We don’t even have grandparents to stand in. My kids soon got used to it and even told their teachers in our behalf, “no point passing that on. My mum and dad can’t be there”. 😆

Its very hard, as a teacher I know how you feel as i cant attend my own kids events usually. I am very lucky her dad can and my mum is always happy to if he cant.

Within my classes i always try to say "it would be nice if a grown up can come but dont be upset if they cant because sometimes grown ups cant make it" so they hopefully arent as let down. I also try to film/photograph as much as i can for parents who miss it.

If you have any family who you can rope in, like grannies, aunties etc could you ask them?

Exactly this

Oooh, just remembered I did go to DD’s nativity as I was on mat leave with DS. Go me, mum of the year 😆

We stopped doing anything like this due to complaints some parents couldn’t make it, but then started again as so many parents complained because they never got to come in for anything. Schools seem to piss someone off no matter what they do.

Yes 100%. Lots of parent events in the middle of the day. All PTA meetings are at 10am. Even the "parents evenings" start at 3pm. It's infuriating as the whole system seems based on a model when one of the parents still stays at home/works part time.

DDs primary also used do these ‘open afternoons’ where you could come in and look at their work AND take them home from 1.30pm.
There was huge pressure to take your child home because otherwise they just had to sit waiting with a load of other kids until 3pm.
The staff then all went home early! My friend overlooks the car park and said it would be almost empty by 3pm. It just seemed to be a ploy to have an early finish on a Friday.
It was very badly run though.

The last time I got an email that "strongly encouraged attendance" at some ridiculous nonsense at 11.45 on a Wednesday morning, I replied that my boss strongly encouraged me to attend work and I do, mainly because the bank strongly encourages me to pay the mortgage and my children strongly encourage me to buy them food and shoes.

And then I simply stopped giving a shit about it.

The care homes I’ve worked in will have hair dressers, chiropodists and other professionals, and if a resident has anything done, the care home pays for it and then adds it onto the residents bill and sends the family an invoice for the extras.

Luckily, I sincerely doubt the school gives a shit about your attendance at that event, either.

I’d completely ignore that message and let them crack on. The nerve.

I would be happy if that were true, but then why did they send so many hectoring messages about all of this bollocks? And try and make small kids feel bad for something that should not matter?

I never experienced this growing up. I'm in my mid-thirties.

I, too, think it's ridiculous. The majority of parents (both mother and father) work these days.

@bonzaitree
I know, but then you end up with a disappointed child as the 'only one' left in school doing worksheets while the rest are playing!
It's so unfair, I dread this term!

Ex-teacher here. Schools should not be asking parents to attend anything during the day. There should not be events requiring parents during the day.
Parents should be asked to one parents' evening a year per child so that general inquiries can be made, and contact established in case of any difficulties. Maybe an extra one if it's a time when career choices are being made. Outside of that, parents should only be asked to come into school (by arrangement at a mutually suitable time) if there is a problem with their child, and for preference this should be arranged out of school hours. Likewise parents should be able to request a meeting when there is a problem.
Schools should be about teaching children, not training performing seals. And teachers should be teaching, not mucking about. Something like a harvest festival event doesn't need the presence of parents- if a school feels it does, it should be held outside school hours.

Ignore all the "friendly reminders" and move along to something you do want to do

I get what you are saying OP, but the alternative is no events at all - or are you expecting the children and teacher to stay around until 6pm or whenever so working parents can join in? DH and I both work full-time and we go to what events we can and miss those we can't. We do always make sure we can attend the big events like christmas plays and sports days, as these dates are always announced well in advance.

Probably they don't give a shit, given that they are pretty shit school by definition if they expect working parents to make up the school's shortcomings all the time.

IMO state schools ought to be instructed that events for or involving parents (including PTA meetings and the like) should be outside normal working hours. Parents who do shift work and can't get to meetings in the evenings about schoolwork should be given appointments during the day by mutual arrangement if a direct meeting about their kids is necessary.

Organise a mass protest. No one show up. Rebel!!