To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

Yeah it's weird. There are a lot of SAHM on my school run but also a lot of workers. Many of us don't have our kids grandparents/uncles/aunties to go in our place.

You aren't a single parent household and if your dh is the emergency contact (as is mine) then presumably he could normally tag team so you could go to such events previously. At the moment you can't which is fair enough and whilst it may be disappointing what can you do? I'd have explained that you make actual events where your child is present a priority.

We are realistic with our kids about what we can and can't attend. We have a toddler so it's always one parent who goes to parents evening, usually dh (he can drive). My dh has the more flexible job but if I know in advance I can avoid booking shifts on certain days. I did feed back to our school that we weren't given enough notice for events like sports day and they took it on board and now tell us at the beginning of the term through a newsletter and then email reminders.

Speak to the school and yes I can totally see how a handmade invite would have tugged on the heartstrings.

I completely agree and I am a teacher. However, these events are often decided upon by the head and are sometimes requested by PTA or similar groups of parents. Schools are expected to involve parents in their child's learning which leads to these events. If you want these events to be more low key, you need to write or speak to the school leadership. The teacher has no more input into these decisions than you do.

I love how you all assume teachers make the bloody decisions about these stupid events. If I had my way parents would never be allowed in the classroom except for maybe parents eve, but I have to follow instructions, just like everyone else. And then I have to comfort the ones whose parents can’t come and comfort those who are upset when the parents go home. But if we don’t we get parents involved we get complaints from some parents and OFSTED accuse us of not involving the community.

@NeedToChangeName

Please explain how teaching is very family friendly. Other than the holidays...

yes and teachers do not get 12 weeks annual leave. They are paid annual leave- same as most state sector workers- the rest of the leave is unpaid.

Oh, this would make me feel so bad and heartbroken, the handwritten note and all! It's not your fault yiu can't attend, and as you say when you can you do which is all credit to you. I'd explain to my child simply that, and maybe write him an invitation for some fun activity on the weekend? As if mothers/parents didn't already feel guilty for 1,000,000 things!!!

Sorry, I am being ridiculous??

😂

Go on then...

Bingo!

Can you not book an afternoon off? Or is that really impossible? If it's actually impossible then I would just explain to your child that you are sorry but you can't and then have a treat with them after school that day or something

Well I think for most working parents, the biggest problem is covering 12 weeks school holidays with 10 weeks annual leave (assuming two parents who are never off together)
So you've kind of got a head start really

I think in all honesty, probably less events requiring/requesting parental presence on the whole... but equally I appreciate not everyone will feel the same way, so it's tricky and I guess schools probably can't win!

For me the ideal would be parents evening, assembly/STAR of week once a term, Nativity/Play and that's about it. Maybe the opportunity to pop into the class room with my child after pick up once a term to look at their work... but again that's just me. For some that won't be enough.

I do try and get involved in the fund raising activities - I bake whenever there's a cake sale, donate things for raffles, etc. but that's a bit easier to fit in around working life.

This does my head in! My kid's school take part in a soccer league every year, that nearly all children take part in. The catch..... the games against other schools, as on a school day, and we get a message the day before advising that parents need to collect children at 11.20, drive them to the field, and bring kids back to at 1.30.
Totally impossible if you are a working parent, especially if you don't have a network of parents to rely on! And then because you are a working parent you cannot return any of the favours!
So frustrating!

When are they supposed to schedule school events?

Just because you work 9-5, doesn't mean everyone does so if it was in the evening other parents who work then would have a similar complaint.

Also, teachers have working time agreements which will limit the number of hours they have to attend events scheduled after school or in the evening.

Ask family members to attend on your behalf of you feel that badly about it.

@Katypp

Great so you actually are only meaning the holidays.

I don't really know what your problem seems to be with teachers but I think a job that offers no flexibility in terms of time off. Eg I can never book any time off when I need and involves 10+ hour days and evening work is hardly family friendly.

Disclaimer- many other jobs involve long inflexible hours. I'm only talking about my experience and that of my colleagues either young families.

Things seem to have got both better and worse since I started school. On the one hand, parents were much less frequently expected, certificates at assemblies were given out completely impromptu with no expectation parents would attend. Parents' evening was after school and the nativity / odd fayre was always after school.

HOWEVER, there were also sessions in lessons during the week called "Mother Help" where the teachers would ask women to volunteer to be an unpaid teacher aide for hours at a time. Absolutely terrible - and five year old me always begged my mother to do it.

Personally, I would prefer:

At least a few weeks notice

Events to be first thing - 9-10 am say as then I can arrange to WFH and just start and finish a bit later

Switching up the days so they don't always fall on the same day every time

Not too clustered together - last summer, there were two events for each child in the last week of term and that's when you're about to use up a bunch of annual leave over the summer as well

I can only go by the teachers I know. They do have an early start, but are home by 4.45pm and on holiday same as their children. That's very family friendly IMHO

So you don't want any parents to be invited to watch sports day, harvest festival or Easter performances? You don't want them. So nobody else should get to attend their child's school and see them having a good time there. I just can't understand your thinking at all. Dont you like seeing your kids in the place that is shaping them? I'm baffled. Not being able to go is one thing, not wanting the 'inconvenience' is another.

@NeedToChangeName

That's fair enough but myself and my colleagues are working much longer hours than that in the week and weekends. The holidays are hugely family friendly but I feel in term time I never see my children. I can never take them to clubs and spent all evening working when they're in bed.

Haven’t read all the replies but I agree - we already do homework every night of the week (which im happy to do as I know how much this boosts their education, even if its just reading). I love going to the Xmas plays, Sports days etc and just like the OP, will take holiday, swap days or do whatever we can to make sure one of us can attend. I was a stay at home Mum and love going into pre-school before I worked.

I do think schools should make it clear that less important things throughout the year are very difficult for parents to attend and it would be nice to have no expectation on the parent going. I think pretty much every parent in our year works (cant think of a Mum or Dad who doesn’t in our class), so we cant drop work at short notice when holiday is already all used up just to cover the school holidays and the big things.

If it's so important take holiday or toil time.

If not then just explain to your child you can't make it. Maybe see if granny or dad or someone else can.

I missed all my kids school things......sent hubby or grandma. Because I was teaching.

I long ago stopped feeling guilty about not going to most school events.

My real grudge against my children's school is their absolutely relentless campaign to force me into the role of primary parent. The only way I got them to stop calling me first, last, and always for everything was to make them delete my number. Then, and I am not making this up, they took my phone number from my email signature, helpfully "re-added" me, and started calling me exclusively for everything again despite repeated requests that they call DH.