To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

I'm a teacher and in our school we try to give parents half a term's notice of key events that they are likely to want to attend, such as Nativity plays and Sports days. Handwritten invites do seem OTT though! Class assemblies are always at the beginning of the day and the hall is packed. Our Head tries to give us time to attend school events in our children's schools wherever possible as we are working parents too. Feedback from parents is that they welcome the opportunity to come into school but we know it isn't possible for everyone.

So, because you can't make events, you think that they shouldn't invite parents into school?
Don't be ridiculous OP. Teachers and school staff don't expect parents to be able make all school events - they can't make school events for their children either! If you want to be angry at someone, complain to the head and not the teacher who is probably just doing what they've been told.

I do think it’s heart-rendingly difficult. DH and I used to try to juggle between us, and some Mums/Dads pre-Covid era (for my kids generation)worked from home, or very locally, in jobs where this was feasible; or one parent didn’t work.
What I found most cruel though was the smug-always-at-everything parent criticising those parents who couldn’t be and needed to use wrap around care : ”it’s always the same ones, poor mites”, as if those parents did not care or at least not as intensely and selflessly as the saintly smug-always-at-everything.
Well yes, it is always the same ones who are not fortunate enough to have a cushy job that lets you down tools when you like, or a partner earning enough so the other can stay at home, who have to miss out and suffer the many sacks of unwarranted guilt. But those same parents are working so their family can be fed, clothed and hopefully have a warm roof over their heads and they care every bit as much as those more fortunate.
Sorry about the rant, but the only fair school event to all parents and children is an event not in standard working hours. But I know that’s not fair to the staff and their kids.
I’m sure the personalised invitation was well-intentioned, but ill thought-through. That is worth a word.
You know what? After all that self-inflicted guilt which I obviously still carry in my heart all these years later, my wrap around kids are all grown now. They remember the events we did make, and always knew they had our love and support. My guilt, it seems, was unnecessary.

Teaching assistants ,like teachers have their pay eeked out over the year. They get annual leave paid. They get paid every month but they are not paid for 12 weeks holiday. People find that hard to grasp and think they are paid for 12 weeks leave. They are not.

As an aside, all the TAs were asked a few days ago if we could volunteer to cover the kids school disco. I haven’t volunteered this year as I was shouted at by three separate parents at the disco last year over things I have no control over (the pta organise the event and run it). It’s a generally lovely event spoilt by the minority of parents who make outrageous requests that cannot be accommodated whilst being fair to every other child.

Back in the summer the children had swimming lessons every day for 2 weeks at no cost. Parents complained that the children had to walk to the pool (1km each way), that we had rushed the children to get ready after and that they were annoyed at having to wait an extra 30 minutes after school for us to return. So many more petty complaints followed, demands for individual changing rooms, 1-1 lessons, parents trying to choose their children’s walking partners etc. It was exhausting! Only one parent said thank you. Is it any wonder that school staff don’t want to do extra things if this is how you are treated when you put yourself (and your family) out for people that don’t give a flying fig about you?

Mmm
not sure it’s the parents who are teachers that have the hardest time getting to things.

Agree to disagree there

So maybe a traffic light code-red :attend if at all possible like parents evening; amber -make an effort to attend as this is a bigger/flagship type event; green:nice if you can but no biggie (school assembly etc)

Same at my youngest child’s school. I work in a school and can’t leave because we don’t operate a flexible working system during term time and during the working day I am really busy. As parents we always get ‘nice to put a name to the face’ comments at parents evenings. I explain over and over again that we work and can’t attend the things you put on during the day but after 4pm, no issue!! Always met with a sly smile. Our son is more than aware of the situation and he is great about it. We do make sure we get to sports day and Christmas plays as they are always late afternoon, plus this is offered to all staff with families where I work. I’d never be at work otherwise, something on all the time lately.

I guess it depends on your job but it seems there is a lot more flexibility with WFH parents than there has been in the past. I’ve definitely seen a lot more dads and mums picking up and dropping off since Covid kicked off.

I’m assuming you don’t have any of that flexibility in your job. You are right in saying, you can’t please everyone…

Erm, we always give our parents plenty of notice in my school!!! Our calendar of specific dates for the year is given to parents in advance. Class assemblies are given out at the beginning of each term…so I don’t agree with that! Sorry!!

And you know that from experience? I miss out on plenty with my son :(

I would expect advance notice would help. I have a good chance of arranging my work calendar to attend if I know in advance. A day ahead though likely I won't. However the school where my kids go to we have this year gotten a calendar of events for the whole year at the start of the academic year. That has helped significantly to be able to block the time in advance and know I can be there for my children without taking the piss at work.

Ah, one of my pet hates, it just confirms to me how out of touch so many schools and teachers are…boils my p*ss to be honest

And what do you think the hours of a teachers contract are? Most are 8.30-4pm! Most stay till 6 and start at 7! That’s an extra 3.5 hours per days of unpaid and uncontracted time that we are supposed to use, to plan and resource! As well as have our own children suffer. Mine has anxiety from a range of things that have happened over the last 12 months out of our control and BEGS us not to go to work! He’s 3 and a half!!

Yep! What you say doesn’t make sense to me but you’re right, people are hard to please! 🙃

Maybe not the hardest of all - there are obviously other professions like doctors, nurses etc where you can’t just take time off easily - but teachers can’t take annual leave during the week in term time.

My job is difficult and full time but I can take annual leave when I choose - obviously it’s just a limited amount! That’s more typical than a job (like teacher) where you can never take time out.

So all I’m saying is, teachers will surely get that it’s hard, if they’re also parents.

I think if they creat and event which is highlighted ‘attend if you can’ it’s not the end of the world, but having the children write a handwritten letter is emotional blackmail. For both the parents and the children! The children should be told by the teacher ‘not everyone’s parent or guardians will be able to attend’. Not the expectation that they will.

Well …… yes

A handwritten invitation is not emotional blackmail, it’s writing practice, drawing practice, colouring practice and learning about social niceties - all appropriate things to learn about in school. Do you expect them to send you a text?! Is a handwritten party invitation also emotional blackmail, or just a party invitation? Not being able to attend all your children’s events is a fact of life for most people. At least by writing the invitation, there is something nice to share with the parent. If you have a problem with your child learning that writing out an invitation does not guarantee attendance at any event, then the problem is with your own inappropriate guilt issues on that one, not the school, imvho.

OP, would you rather the teacher had list of parents who work and so give their children a non-invitation task?

Thought not.

Schools have to involve parents. In the words of MN, an invitation is not a summons.

lots of comments here about speaking to the teacher. The teacher is the messenger - this will be a decision made by SLT (senior leadership team) who in turn have consulted with governors and looked at local gov guidelines - this is what my school does. In my school, we have about 10 SLT and most of them don’t have kids and/or are single. They don’t get it.

As the parent of a nearly-3yo I’m very interested in this, and also a bit baffled.

Firstly, I don’t quite understand the outrage that school staff should stay late for these events. I work in secondary, and our teachers do a parents’ evening from 4-7pm up to 7 times a year, depending on which year groups we teach, then there are two open evenings (main school and sixth form) which last from 6 until 9, but most teachers negotiate in their departments to do first half or second half. Then a few teachers, different ones on each occasion, will stay behind for talks about major trips, the drama production, the dance production, the music show, and things like money raising quizzes. The parents’ evenings and open evenings are part of our 1265 hours of directed time, and the other events are very often part of the job description of a head of department or someone else with a TLR (ie more money for responsibility). Is all this simply not expected in primary? Surely in primary each class teacher would only have to do one late parents’ evening a year, maybe having parents who could make it in during the day while their class is covered, and then the 9-5 working parents in during the evening, so that everyone in a class of 30 got at least a 10-minute slot? Then how many evening ‘special’ events would each individual teacher actually be needed for, if it was shared out evenly among ordinary teachers and the leadership did a couple more each?

The other thing I don’t understand is the short notice. With regards evening commitments, staff where I work always know about them from the very start of the year so that we can organise childcare, shuffle our workload around, or just not book a meal out or whatever, and staff would rightly kick off and refuse to do those evenings if they sprung them on us. We’ve had our entire school calendar published in July for the coming academic year, freely available on the website, for many years. Obviously there are sometimes changes and updates, but the original plan is transparent from the start. What are primary leadership doing if not this? Do class teachers just decide on a whim to do dress-up days and special assemblies? Or are these in a calendar somewhere, just not shared with parents because nobody bothers putting them on a website?

The whole business sounds like it will drive me mad, and the thought of my DS crying because we’re not at something special is really heart rending, but if his dad and I don’t know about things at least half a term in advance, or get a passive aggressive comment for the ones we can’t come to, like some of the ones I’ve read on here, his school will know about it! Anywhere trying to pull this shit is being totally unreasonable.

What does everyone else do?

I just don't go. And it is as simple as that.

As much as I'd love to pack up and leave work early to see my DC do something lovely in school, keeping the roof over DCs head and food in their belly is the priority. I'm self employed too, so my income relies on my good reputation for providing a consistently reliable service. As well as, if I don't work, I don't earn. I can't take financial hits right now. The CoLC is very real in my household and getting through by the skin of our teeth.

@Bovrilla

That's when you get the joy of marking 90 books a day if you're a primary teacher, or a lovely set of books if you're secondary.

How long do you think that take? At 2 minutes a book, that's 3 hours. A day. Before you plan.

Secondary a set of 32 books at 5 minutes per book (often not enough) is 2.5hrs. Plus planning time then on top.

Your ignorance is showing.

In my child's secondary school the children mark their partners work & post the result in Teams!
No marking for those teachers!
I hope the teacher do actually mark some more important tests/work!

I do not!