To find school expectations infuriating for working parents?

[JustARegularPoster]

I'm not very well, so I might be being overly sensitive, but my children's school is driving me bonkers with their expectations that parents can drop everything to attend events in the middle of the day.

Are all schools like this?

I know there is probably no answer to this, but the repeated reminders and the "we strongly recommend that all parents make every effort to attend", just makes me feel awful when I can't attend due to... well... working. I only work PT as well, so if something falls on my day off then I will obviously attend, it must be even more of a nightmare for parents that work FT.

The latest of these is an event at 1:45pm on a day I work - and for this one they got my oldest child to hand-write me an invitation, which he'd very carefully coloured in. And he brought him home and very earnestly asked me if I could attend, which I really can't. I thought getting the children to write invites for their parents seemed particularly unfair - and school must surely realise that a lot of parents work and won't be able to make it.

FWIW I do what I can to attend, even if I am working - I take holiday, ask to WFH if possible, or make time up.... but honestly my employers good will only goes so far and I've reached the point now where I'm out of holiday and don't feel like I can ask yet again.

What does everyone else do?

Teachers constantly post about the amount of planning they have to do and I fully accept that it is an ever increasing workload. What I can't understand though is that given all the planning they do, why parents are given such short notice of these events? Surely they must be in the schemes of work and lesson plans months in advance, if not in an annual plan. Why can't they tell parents at the start of the school year/term? I know plenty will forget but working parents will not. They will allocate their annual leave accordingly and get it in the calendar in plenty of time. It then gives them the chance to ask extended family to attend if they can't make it themselves. Schools really do behave as if it's still 1950. They really need to start issuing an annual plan of events because you can be sure the school will have one.

I used to be a teacher, so of course I could never go to anything for my own children.
A lot of schools are realising that life is impossible for working parents. The technology is there to record things now, for those not lucky enough to attend meetings and performances in person. You can only do so much and don’t beat yourself up xx

It is ironic that teachers can't leave their classes during the day for events like this but expect others to do the same for "their" events.

They don't, though. Most know how difficult it is. In the school I work in things like "Stay and Play" sessions are an invite to anyone the child is close to, so if parents are working then grandparents, aunties or family friends (basically anyone in the child's circle who are free at the time) are very welcome.

Parental engagement is an Ofsted expectation though. Write to Ofsted, OP, if you want to complain about it. They don't live in the real world so need telling!

Personally I’d send your MN post to the school.
Along with the vote and as many comments as you have paper to copy.

Im sure they already know parents can’t always drop everything but to get your dc to make an invite is out of order.

As working mother, I used to think this was a passive aggressive move against us. Then I wondered if they did it this way bc they really didn't want us there. Now I believe it is a combination of indifference and incompetence.
If you ask, they will tell you that parents need to know near the event or they will forget. Possibly that has some merit, but it is possible to get a list in advance and then a reminder. We all know they didn't wake up Tuesday and cheerily decide to hold the field day on Thursday.
Some options: Go to the administration and ask them when school starts for a list of all school events--and list the ones you know about, to show you are serious. Frame it that you really want to attend, and need to know so you can try to get off work. Then make sure your child knows you did this, so when the school screws up he/she knows you at least tried to.plan ahead and be responsible. Even point it out, and tell him in the future not to behave like the school did.
If there is some sort of parent organization at the school, go to them and ask them to formally get a list from the school. You are not the only parent in this position.
Finally, ask the teacher the same thing for class specific events. If she doesn't know a specific day, can she give you an estimate, so you can ask again closer to the event? Explain your child is disappointed when you can't attend, and are trying your best.

Good luck.

To add I do think the teachers I know do a fantastic job and clearly put many hours into it.

It’s clearly not for the faint hearted.

It's not the teachers, They are told what to do thay have no say in it.

It’s so hard OP. When DC1 started reception we misunderstood the name of an event and both didn’t attend and only us and one other set of parents weren’t there. DC1 still remembers crying and being upset over a year later. It was heartbreaking and we both felt terrible. I only work 3 days a week but even then I feel low level worry most of the time that I’m missing some essential information about upcoming events. I love DC1’s school but they provide scant information at the best of times and certainly not far enough in advance for working parents.

It’s the handwritten invitation that’s the thing isn’t it?I work full time and don’t make it to everything my kids do. Doesn’t help that exh makes it to nothing (due to not trying). I make it to as much as I can.

But making them do a handwritten invitation is really rotten. Especially as it’s the parents who are teachers who have the hardest time getting to things!

Imagine being a teacher and never ever ever ever getting to attend your kids parents evening because of this

The handwritten invitation may have been part of their English work.

YANBU. I'm a teacher (part time) and can't do things that aren't on my day off. Having to comfort my reception child when I couldn't come to the middle of the day meeting and tea when she'd carefully written her name in the invitation was really upsetting. DP had a meeting and couldn't go: usually he WFH and can pick up some things.

Yep. We should be available at all times to cover all parental eventuality and expect to be picked at, called incompetent, and who knows what else if we don't keep every parent happy all the time. Never mind the work involved. Or the neglect of our own families. Speaks volumes that people think we should rock up by 8am, teach all day, prep and mark in the space in between school ending and the school event starting, complete the school event and then go home at what, 9-10pm after ensuring everything is cleared up and ready for the next day.

Hope you can pay for your child's education 'cos there'll be no one left in state soon.

And you can go to the far side of fuck with your time management comment.

Our primary teachers now have to write blogs so that parents know what their chn have done all week! It’s endless.

Absolutely agree about parents evenings being in the evening. That's fair enough.

A "degree" of unpaid overtime?

A full time teacher is paid for 32.5 hours a week. I regularly do 55 to 60 hours a week. More if there is a parent's evening.

That's a lot more than a 'degree' of unpaid overtime. Teachers simply don't have the capacity to do any more.

Totally get you.

Today I got an email saying next week there's a mini-parents evening for the Y7 intake, to meet their form tutors. It happens to fall on the day before I start a ten day holiday, so even if I wanted to, I can't really finish early. Husband can't either.

Luckily they have sessions after 5, but it's only by luck that I work close enough to school I can finish at 5 and get there before 530!

When did men ever get a job specially tailored to fitting in around their children?

Maybe not the men you know but my DH is staying in his job because it works for our family life. He drops DD1 off for school, starts WFH after and then uses his lunch break to collect her again. I work two evenings a week and he sorts our DDs and gets them to bed before I’m back.

My job is helpful for our family life in other ways because I start in the afternoon on two days. That means reduced childcare hours on those days. His job is 9-5:30 and mine can be more flexible so I can do the school runs when he does have to go to the office. We have both taken equal responsibility for the care of our children. Neither one of us is seen as amazing or extraordinary for doing this. We appreciate each other for the ways we make each other’s lives easier.

Just write a nice note to the Head and explain how you feel. I agree first thing in the morning after drop off or after pickup is ideal. Most schools get that.

Something that helped a BIT when mine were little- if someone couldn't go to a school event, one of their kid's friends' mothers (get those apostrophes!) kind of stood in to clap, chat and congratulate. Not ideal but better than nothing.

You are not being unreasonable. The people who are blaming teachers are though. I am a teacher and can’t go to my own kids things. Some headteachers don’t let staff attend anything - no assemblies, nothing!
However, it is usually leadership who organise these things. And if schools don’t organise things like this, parents put it on the parent questionnaire with ofsted. It is nice when you can go to these things. But not when you can’t. What I’ve done with other parents, is we’ve all looked out for each others kids. So we tell them we are there for other children, then just say it was someone else’s turn and they are then there for my child.

Teachers constantly post about the amount of planning they have to do and I fully accept that it is an ever increasing workload. What I can't understand though is that given all the planning they do, why parents are given such short notice of these events? Surely they must be in the schemes of work and lesson plans months in advance, if not in an annual plan. Why can't they tell parents at the start of the school year/term? I know plenty will forget but working parents will not. They will allocate their annual leave accordingly and get it in the calendar in plenty of time. It then gives them the chance to ask extended family to attend if they can't make it themselves. Schools really do behave as if it's still 1950. They really need to start issuing an annual plan of events because you can be sure the school will have one.

Our schools important dates are posted on their website for parents to view but the Head sometimes has random ideas that he throws in at short notice. Very often this short notice is because he has to run around getting people to volunteer to put on the event. When my children started at the school there used to be a few evening events throughout the year but, due to lack of parental uptake and the fact that putting them on relied on staff to volunteer to stay late along with parent volunteers, they don’t happen anymore. Now we have first come first served ticketed events during the school day where parents come and watch assemblies or sporting events. The school doesn’t have space for every parent to attend every event (or to ‘send cover’ if they can’t) but every child will be given the opportunity to perform and to receive applause. Some kids thrive on this.

Working in education myself and being a school governor...most staff know that working parents can't make this kind of stuff. The problem is that for most events, 3 mums and a dog turn up. Just ignore the entreaties.

I work in a school (receptionist) myself different to my child, I've never been to any of her events, sports day, Christmas plays etc. It's impossible to get time off, does make me a little sad that I've missed it all 😢

ideal for WHO?

You maybe, not for most working parents. Unless you mean first thing, before breakfast club?

Pick up is 3pm. What full time job ends at 3?
Or do you think parents are happy to pay for an after-school club but not show because there's something at school?

Point is, whatever the day or time, it will not be convenient for everyone.
When you know people will complain whatever you do, you might as well ignore them and do what fits the school and the kids best.