To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

I could have written your original post and I don't have the answer.
I am also in a stressful long hours job and things are difficult but I'm the higher earner in my household so if anyone were to go part time it wouldn't be me.

My gut feel is that so long as I'm there to drop off at school some mornings, there between 6-9pm the majority of evenings, there on weekdays and holidays, it's not going to adversely impact my kids. I do have 3-4 weeks travel too, spaced out through the year. For me the stress is more of an issue than the hours.

I have a cleaner twice a week!

I think you need to give it a little more time until you've settled into the role more, then see if it's feasible to not work at this level most of the time.

No man ever wrote this post
Perhaps some would like to? Not everyone, male or female, enjoys a high stress job and a challenging work environment.
Some men do and some women do.
Perhaps some men are even more entrenched than the OP in their idea of what success looks like and what they "should" be doing with their life. They could be as entrapped by the concept of having to provide as well as they can and earn as much as possible as some women are in the idea that nurturing the family should be their only priority.
Every individual has to find a balance and negotiate that with their partner if they have one.

I'd hire whatever help necessary to keep the job. The value of being able to save for retirement now vs scramble to save when you're older is immeasurable. Not to mention keeping your independence just in case.

Many if not most kids grow up with two working parents.

For the last time, this isn't a DH issue, he is brilliant - does most of the school runs, most of the washing, most of the cleaning. And earns a fair bit more than me.

This has been a particularly bad week as excessively busy periods for both of us just converged. We're not normally missing taking the DC to clubs etc. But in the last year I feel we're falling more and more behind being able to manage everything.

We do absolutely need to get a cleaner - we've had a bit of a bad run with unreliable cleaners which kind of put us off. But we clearly can't keep on top of it by ourselves.

A big part of this is a 'me' issue - My threshold for getting overwhelmed is quite low and I find it hard to switch mode - being able to put down my laptop, give 100% focus on the kids for a couple of hours and then pick up work again is really hard for me. The schedule some one posted earlier (work first thing, then kids, then work, then kids, then work) is something I end up doing fairly often but I find it really mentally taxing.

As I said earlier I'm not a super high flyer but I've made a diagonal move into a role that has really been a steep learning curve. but it has been really valuable experience. If I can stick it out for 2-3 more years I'd be in a much better position in terms of experience to move elsewhere.

I've thought about dropping down to a 4 day week but I worry that the job wouldn't get any smaller and I'd just be paid less to do the same amount of work. On a week like last week where it been 100 hours+ it becomes a bit meaningless how many of those I'm actually paid for!

Can you husband take a step back in his career to pick up the slack a bit? Presumably like you did whilst DC where v little?

You are a team.

Sorry just saw your post re DH!

I worked a very stressful job in the NHS until last year when we hit a breaking point and I left. I cried handing in my notice, it wasn’t easy. But my husband was also doing a stressful role, 2 young children and we were losing ourselves. Iv had 12 months off and my littlest has just started school so I’m going back to work bank only. This last year has given me time with my kids I never thought I would get and we are happier 100%. My kids have begged me not to return to work which shows how much of an effect it did have on them. Life is not work. I’m not saying you should quit altogether like I did but this is in your control and you obviously need to change something. Outsourcing the cleaning doesn’t really help your kids if you’re still glued to your laptop in a clean house

If I can stick it out for 2-3 more years I'd be in a much better position in terms of experience to move elsewhere.

If you carry on like this for the next 3 years, how old will your DC be then, and how much will you have chosen to miss out on their childhood? I get that some people need to work in high pressure environments to keep the roof over their heads, especially if they are the sole earner, but I honestly don't get why anyone would work as hard as you are when they don't need too. As others have said, life is too short!

The real question is how in this day and age, organisations have managed to convince us that 60 hour+ weeks and imbalanced lives are a price we must pay to progress.
It's a heap of BS.

You're not in the wrong to want to lead and progress, but what's your job actually like? Are you being mentored/supported/trained or set up to fail? Is it time to look for a place with a better culture?

I work in a senior job, a reality of that is that you need a lot of help (outsourced) at home. But you you still be able to go to work, enjoy it, feel a sense of achievement, none of which I have gotten from your post. And that's on them.

Are they wrong?

Only if they’re regularly not working for you.

I’ve found work will always expand to take all the time it can once you’re into more senior roles, and delegating / letting slide or saying no does get better with practise. But the practise is hard work. It’s also tough to accept that not everything will get done.

Do you have a mentor? If you don’t and you want to keep working at this level then it’s worth looking for one. Can be great sounding boards on getting the balance right, not just career progression.

also, work out what matters, what can be outsourced and what you let slip.

Charlie Bingham makes decent meals.
Lots of cleaners will tidy as well as clean, change sheets etc. Ones through companies are often more straightforward than individuals. Yes, slightly more expensive but you’re earning more so use some of that to simplify life.

Lastly, train your colleagues and management that if it’s urgent and outside of work hours to phone, not rely on you looking at emails. Then you don’t need to regularly check emails, and can work offline. Your evening time is more productive without new stuff coming in and your family time is uninterrupted by phone calls. Far more can wait til the morning/ later that evening than it feels when you first read the message.

I'd start thinking about paid help as being a 'nice to have'. Maybe even as 'makes all the difference'.

You could go for a cleaner, maybe a bit more. Someone to come in and straighten the house up, do laundry - a housekeeper. What about meals? There's a business local to me who supplies home-cooked family meals, they have regulars they supply every week - some just for a nice relaxed Friday night, others more often. Maybe there's something similar local to you.

With domestic support, what free time you and DH have could be spent with your children and each other - reducing your feelings of guilt because you're not Superwoman (none of us are!).

Seriously, don't beat yourself up on this. Grab some paper and jot down what would make a difference to you. Start with the things that take a lot of your time up, and the things that you feel most stressed by. What paid help would make the difference to that?

Do you enjoy the job?
Can you get lots of help?

See how it all pans out before you make any permanent decisions.

If it's not working for you now, can you step back but keep your career ticking over and consider a big promotion again when your kids are a bit older? From a lot of the posts on here, I think it's very sensible to keep your hand in and keep earning independently even if you're not climbing up the ladder.

You honestly couldn't pay me any sum in the world to be in a pressured job where I was putting in ridiculous hours even without children. Add in the negatives of the job that you mention, such as having limited time/energy for them and getting angry about mess, then it'd be a hard no from me.

Surely a happy family and a reasonable income trumps a miserable family with more money?

I've only read your posts, OP.

If you haven't even got time to think about your priorities; if it's not even a majorly high-flying job; if the money is just for nice extras; if you're ratty with your kids because of your job that you don't need; if you're working 100+ hours for ANYONE other than yourself and your family... IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

Whether it's about your own self-esteem, your needing to prove yourself or whatever else, that's about YOU. You're prioritising YOU over your children and family and home. You don't have to sacrifice yourself, but 100+ hours in a week and the level of pressure you describe, when you have a supportive DH who also has a challenging job, and you're not saving lives or running the country or working in a warzone - IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

I work a professional senior role - but I’ve made very sure it’s not the kind of role where I’m working all hours. I’ve declined roles where the pay would be amazing, but the commitment needed would be too. It’s impossible to properly advise not knowing your industry but I’d suggested doing what I do and getting a ‘good enough’ job. I have financial independence and still can do a lot of hands on parenting. As a single parent I could really really do with the increased salary but it’s just not worth it.

Don’t give your life to your company, they don’t have your back.

I’m also in a professional high demand job. I think you have to make a decision about what are your priorities in life. These really differ person to person. I am at a respectable level and I’ve personally made the decision that I don’t want to progress further. My personal priories in life are making sure I’m available for my Dc and not stressed or busy to give them the time they need. Others at work probably look at me and think I’m not achieving my full potential. I’m personally fine with that. I see other parents pushing themselves with work and promotions and logging on at (crazy) hours. That’s obviously their priority and that’s completely fine. You just need to be confident in what is important to you. I personally feel proud knowing that I’m at a respectable level but I’m also able to prioritise my children. It’s not a weakness to say that just because others may think I’m not reaching my full potential at work. It’s just work…
hope this helps in some way and I’m well aware this is just my view and it may be different to how you wish to conduct your life.

I agree with what PP has said about hiring a cleaner, and maybe even one that could batch cook for you so you have that taken off your shoulders? Or just have easy oven meals in the week etc. But one thing I always do every week is schedule 'chill-out time' for myself, the kids, and husband. It might just be half an hour where you get to have a bath, or watch a movie with the kids, but if you start prioritising time to relax, that will help you feel less overwhelmed? Congratulations though on your promotion, and remember you are a super hero! xx😀

To meet your children's needs, it sounds like you need a nanny, au pair, housekeeper kind of person.

If that's not affordable or desirable, you need to find a way to make the job work for you or else go back to your old working pattern.

If you're senior, can you find a way to delegate more, maybe discuss with your higher ups and agree with them? Set it to be that way for say a few years on the condition you'll revert eventually?

Or give up that role and take up freelance consulting so your time is under your own control.

It's brilliant to have a stellar career, but don't many nurses say that a common deathbed wish is to have worked less and spent more time with kids?

I know a high powered couple - one in law, one in finance, both cit of London types. They have young children. And a live-in nanny who picks up the slack every time they need to work weekends, evenings etc. You need a slack picker upper.

Hi

This is possibly going to be a controversial opinion.... I was exactly where you are a couple of years ago. Youngest was in primary school now so I figured working full time in a high pressure job was OK and my word, I look back on it now and wonder how I got through the day. I had some huge responsibilities at work and was glued to my laptop day and night. The kids were subsisting on m and s ready meals and despite my massive pay increase for the new position, we had no extra money as we were basically employing people to run our house and life...cleaners, babysitters, after school club, a pt au pair, pet walkers, and like you, the kids kept missing out of school activities because I couldn't break free of my laptop.

It all came to a head and we were literally falling apart as a family. My youngest got a nasty d and v bug which hospitalised him with dehydration, and I was sat in the hospital ward trying to meet a huge work deadline and I almost just had an out of body experience and thought what am I doing. This isn't any life for any of us.

So my husband and I talked, and whilst we both had big jobs, we decided for many reasons that It would be me that did the give. So, I handed in my notice. And haven't been back to work since. And goodness, we got our family back. The kids are so much happier. I'm present and available for them and family life is amazing.

It was a huge thing to do. I'd worked really hard to get to that point in my career, have a masters degree and so much of my identity was about my job title. And I'm not saying being a sahm is the easy option. It's shattering but also amazing. I've been able to develop a lot of my interests (currently training in reiki), have been able to horse ride a few times a week, reignited my love for yoga and have made a whole heap of new friends through these things. The kids love having me at home. They get proper home cooked meals, are always where they need to be at the right time, and I'm not irritable all the time as I feel so guilty.

Yes, it meant a drastic drop in income, and a few of the luxuries have had to go but actually in real terms, despite us both earning really good money before, we've managed. And that's a lot to do with the fact that we're now not paying to employ people to do everything for us and we're not single handedly keeping m and s food and the local takeaways in business!!

I just couldn't read your post and not reply as it struck so close to home. You have to do what's right for you, but really, you get one life. You don't get do overs or second chances and you have to make every moment count.

Going back to work for me at some point down the line will be difficult as once you step off the career treadmill in my world, its incredibly hard to break back into (media), but I just kind of think, you know what, I'm not going to mourn that part of my life being over. I had some amazing career moments and it gave me a life that most people could only dream of, but staying at home with my boys is incredible too. And so many different doors have opened as a result that I know that when I'm ready to return to the world of work, it will be something completely different. (Currently trying to figure out how to finance a yoga and equine therapy retreat!!, very different to magazine editor).

Whatever you do, good luck and go easy on yourself xx

I would bin the job, personally (I binned mine when the DC were born). Best decision I ever made.

OP - no one can have it all regardless of what many would have you believe. The most important thing is that you know yourself and what you are capable of . In very close second you have humans to raise . By all means put in place some support and give it a bit more time , but do not be afraid to say this is not for me .

Maybe some of us have tried the successful career option and decided the Cons outweighed the Pros?

I left my senior professional role (law) when I had my son and moved to a less expensive rural area because I wanted to fully embrace feeling alive every day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can rely on Mumsnet to make any scenario a problem with your husband eye roll

I saw in one of your responses you said you didn’t want to step back because you’d feel like a failure (or words to that effect).

On your deathbed, in hopefully many many years to come, who do you think will be there? It won’t be your colleagues/boss. No one will be saying ‘terrible shame, she was fantastic at her job’……..your family is more important so you need to find a way to balance financial security/job satisfaction/enjoying the family life you’ve created. It’s a hard balance but I wish you luck x