To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

No man ever wrote this post.

Agree with other posters. It's early days, you'll learn what you can do / delegate etc.

Sit and talk to husband about how things are different.

Congratulations!!

You need to use some of the extra income to get help.

It doesn’t matter if the house is cleaner ready. She or he is there to clean.

At least they could do floors, windows, bathrooms, kitchen, ironing, maybe even washing too if you are comfortable.

You can start them, apologise for the chaos and say you will be sorting a room at a time each week until back to normal, but can they bear with you until then.

You need a nanny as well to deal with school pickups, homework’s, some extracurricular and even some wkend stuff.

All of this to take the stress off to see if you can actually do the job when supported.

If after 6-12 months it’s still disastrous then career change and lose the help if your wage drops/you don’t need it anymore.

This is my life but every single week is like this. Like you there's not really scope for negotiation or a "talk to your manager" option - I have areas I manage and I have to do the work required to get the job done and unfortunately that's 60-70 hours every week. There is no paid overtime and no TOIL.
My DH does way more than me in the house and with the children despite doing the same job as me and working similar hours.
I am starting a new job soon and I can't wait. It still will be a lot of hours but should be substantially less than the 60-70 I'm used to, and I will shave 90 minutes off my commute every day.
I was considering other options as well, one was reducing my hours. So could you do this and work 50/60%?

No man ever wrote this post.

They certainly would not be told to quit their job. But women's income is clearly optional, spent on luxuries, in no way benefitting the family.

My DC are in their 20s now.
I worked very part time until they left school. Never worked in school holidays until DH retired early and took over.
The children will manage while you are not there but if you genuinely have a choice then think about what's important in your life.

You will never look back and be glad you worked so hard for a holiday or a better car. You will look back and think of all the fun you missed with your children.
There is more to life than work if you can manage financially.

@Boodge
Added responsibilities can be much like having a new baby. It can seem overwhelming until you figure out a routine that works for you.

You have extra money, maybe one of those must haves should include some household help and a fixed sch or a mom's helper who can take the kids to some of their activities. If these are activities that the kids truly enjoy, they won't necessarily care who transports them to the activity. You might also discuss your new job with your kids. They may not have noticed or cared about any of thease things that seem so glaring to you. Sometimes too, I noticed that if I had any anxiety about my ability to successfully complete a project, I would often resort to a "its taking too much time from the kids mindset." That was a way of giving me an out rather than saying that I might not have the skills or ability to handle the project in front of me.

Give yourself time to find your stride, you have the financial resources available to lighten your load at home.

I’m probably in a minority with my thinking but I honestly believe that if you have the luxury of choice in the matter, when your child starts school is absolutely not the time to ramp up your career!

I complete agree with this. I have found the juggling so much more difficult since my eldest started school. The nursery years were much easier in comparison.

I think it’s about what’s important to you. Do you need the promotion high pressures job now. Or could it wait a few years. Your children are only young once and it will get easier. I would consider carefully childcare/cleaner etc. I have been in the situation where something had to give. You need to make a choice. Could you and dh both drop a day so the children are getting more quality time with you.

Life is too short for this sort of existence imo. If you can afford it then I'd change roles and re-evaluate what's important to you. We did just that and have zero regrets. Occasionally miss the fine dining and ability to buy what want you want when you want, but that is getting less and less as our lifestyle changes to more outdoorsy activities. It's benefitted everyone both mentally and physically

You can’t do it all unfortunately.

I am quickly learning that something has to give.

I think two parents can have high paid/pressurised roles but to also be a parent you need to outsource or automate as many other things as you can.

Get a cleaner
Get some “home help”
Pay a childminder to accompany to activities, especially if you’re only real role is to taxi them

Hire a virtual assistant on the sly and give them your life admin or lower level work admin 😬 probably a sackable offence but I’d take the risk. Work smarter, not harder.

This is exactly my line of thinking regarding my own personal circumstances.

I'm a nurse so not exactly a highly paying career as it is, however I've chosen to stay part time in my current role (band 5) while my little one is young. I would love to progress my career ie do a masters and go into advanced practice however I highly value the extra time that I get to spend with my wee one at present.

I completely understand wanting to move into a higher role, OP, ie personal challenge, career development, salary etc. But for me, it's something that's going to have to wait for a few years yet.

I would re-evaluate what your concept of success and failure is and where your sense of self worth comes from.
Do you get a lot of satisfaction from your job?
You are getting some people telling you to step back and find less demanding work and others telling you that they despair at hearing a woman being given this sort of advice ( and assuming your husband doesn't take equal responsibility).
The thing is, it's really up to you and what makes you most happy and satisfied with life, you don't have to impress anyone else.
Women are not obliged to be wage slaves to suit other people's expectations, nor are they obliged to take on all the domestic responsibilities.
Personally I would outsource as much cleaning and drudgery as I could afford in favour of an interesting job, but I wouldn't be outsourcing more time with my children, even teenagers benefit from you having the time and energy to show interest.
That's just my own preference though, everyone finds their own balance.
Just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it and whether you're enjoying it.

Is it just that trying to be successful is hard work?

Yes. Being successful (at work) usually requires hard work. And usually the more successful you want to be, the harder you have to work. An increase in salary usually follows the same pattern.

If you have enough money, buy time. Childcare, cleaners, gardeners, whatever you need. Or you forgo the money, claw back some time, and do those things yourself.

I'm astonished people would think that to be (properly) successful at work you don't have to work hard.

congratulations on your promotion! I don’t know what kind of job you are in so may be some of these suggestions might not work!
these are some of the things that helped me-

• I think it’s normal to feel the guilt but explain it to your kids whenever you can! You and partner can take turns to do bedtime with kids just 20mins at night to bond over and explain to them why you can’t be there at every event even though you want to . Also use this time to learn about their friends, problems they are having in school etc. and encourage them to ask questions
• try to have a specific dinner time together as a family - its a good time to catch-up on whats going on in their lives. Honestly reduces the guilt and makes you feel happy! Also make sure everyone helps out with dinner/clearing up the table etc so you aren’t doing the heavy lifting all by yourself.
• Hire help - a cleaner definitely , cook optional and childminder if necessary
• after school clubs within the school premises if you have them are really good. My primary going kid attends these clubs so he doesn’t end up watching too much tv while i work.
• if you/partner can take turns to attend a select few events by taking a few hours off work and compensating it later. Our colleagues have/had kids too; generally if you say that you want to be off for a kids school event for an hour or too and then you compensate by working a few hours extra later during the day then they might be okay with that! If they aren’t okay with such an arrangement then may be they aren’t good employers!

Lastly I think please remember having a successful career means you may have to make some compromises . Its okay if you don’t have the cleanest house or the most delicious food at the table for the kids or attend each and every event…as long as you have a home environment which is nurturing, hygienic ,safe where everyone spends some quality time with each other then there is no need to feel guilty about!

I can't believe this thread .OP if you don't even have a cleaner how would you manage to keep on top of everything? Pay for help, do your job and spend the free time with the kids not at activities/ cleaning and cooking . You can have it all if you do feel you have to do it all.

You’ve got a very skewed idea of success haven’t you?

The ‘success’ you’re achieving is solely for you and your ego surely? You don’t need to be doing this so who is benefiting from it exactly? No-one is, but you’ve been fed this belief that to have any worth as a human, you must have a good job. There’s also this ‘work ethic’ rubbish, which seems to mean that if you work hard to make more money for yourself, you’re somehow a better person with good morals.

The most important things are that you are happy and that your children are happy and have a good relationship with you. Also, you have to remember that being so stressed is incredibly bad for you. It won’t be great for you or your children if you destroy your health will it? I’d suggest watching some Gabor Mate videos on YouTube to get some perspective. Here you go:

It’s a tough one. I stepped back from my career when my children were at primary school. I still worked but in a much less senior role, less hours, less working away but with a 60% pay cut and no benefits such as company car etc. it was tough but we got through it and I had a very happy home life. When both were in secondary school I started climbing the ladder again and now my DC are 20 and 22 I earn more than I ever did and 40% more than my DH. I have a cleaner, gardener and ironer as I can afford them now so still get my weekends to do fun things. In a senior role for both parents it’s almost impossible to have it all without a lot of paid help but still the DC do miss out. It’s a shame but that’s life and choices do have to be made unfortunately.

This
I worked in Mental Health up until 4 years ago long shifts , weekends, night shifts , lack of staff the list goes on.
Dh works away has done since before Dd was born she’s now 18 in the end I felt like she was missing out and I wanted to spend more time at home and more time with Dd and Dh when he was home so I quit my job which I’d been in for 17 years and now work in a Gp’s surgery 3 days a week.I took a cut in pay but I have no regrets and just love being at home to cook a meal or just spend time watching tv with Dd and Dh and doing family stuff

OP that sounds absolutley draining, you may be getting paid 50% more but it sounds like you're doing 50% more hours so its not exactly a pro rata bump. Maybe use this position as CV fodder to side step into something else? Or if not an option step back down.

Life is too bloody short, and what's the point of extra money if you're too exhausted to spend it on nice things and just have to spend it on outsourcing cleaning etc and work yourself into either burn out or an early grave. Xx

Sorry but I'm in the "work less, see more of the kids" camp. Some individuals have to work day and night because needs must - but in your case, you're financially secure anyway. It's true that your family are the only ones who'll remember you worked late - alongside you of course, and you don't want to live with any regrets.

Life is fleeting - children grow up too fast and you only borrow them for a short time.

I can't believe this thread either, telling women to go and resign from a successful career and get a nice little job otherwise you'll fuck up your kids.

I mean I'm a lawyer- if I had to work in some (actually most) law firms when the kids were small then I would be have been dead or extremely unwell from the stress and hours, but I found a way to make it work (mostly by being inhouse and well away from law firms and all their shitty treatment of professional people). I'm also the main earner- I'm sure this though hasn't gone through some people's misogynistic minds so I couldn't just go off and do a "nice little job" even if I'd wanted to. Paying the mortgage is not a "nice to have".

And now in late 40s with grown up/almost grown up kids I'm senior director level in a business and applying for CEO and in a very good position to get the job and in a highly male dominated industry as well.

Of course I've always made the kids and DH my priority when making any decisions but you also have to think about what you want from life, as otherwise the kids will be grown up, leave and you are left wondering WTF happened and trying to gather the remnants of personality, hopes and dreams together before you die.

My question would be - why are the children at home watching tv? Can they be with a childminder or nanny - you shouldn't be just letting them slop about doing nothing and missing activities/ play dates.

There is nothing wrong with working long hours IF you enjoy it and you feel your children don't suffer. But - it sounds like it is all poorly thought out

Personally - and I say this as a very ambitious and driven person! - I do not think it is easy to justify full time work of both parents with young children - or any age children. There just has to be an admission by any parent man or woman that children require a certain amount of time and input - and that working 40/50/60 hours a week is going to reduce that time for the children.

So - be realistic - perhaps drop a day and then you have that wriggle room for the extra hours.

Or - be realistic and get incredible childcare. Or be realistic and your and your H both cut some hours.

@waterrat

There just has to be an admission by any parent man or woman that children require a certain amount of time and input - and that working 40/50/60 hours a week is going to reduce that time for the children.

I agree - it's not being misogynistic to state this. Or damaging to women or whatever else. I think some posters are missing the crucial part of OP's post where she states she doesn't have to work at the level she currently is, because she is financially secure. That's a whole world away from "I have to work my ass off because I well, have to." So she does have the option of getting a job that's not so stressful - what's wrong with that? She clearly wants to spend more time with her kids, and that would be the obvious solution.

Hello OP, and congratulations on your promotion and the extra pay. Well done on getting through a tough week.

I've not read all the responses, but I have read all your posts.

You took the job last year and we're now in October. How many terrible weeks have there been versus satisfying ones? Are the terrible ones becoming more sparsely distributed? Are you getting better at managing the tough deadlines and the different demands in this role? Do you enjoy the different challenges and value the skills you're learning - or could you, with a bit of breathing space around the deadlines and the pressure?

Could you get a career coach/mentor to help you reflect on these practical questions? It may be you arrive at the conclusion that this job is just one job in a long career, that you have learned x, y, z from it, and it's time to move on to a different role.

The family/school script about being 'the clever one' is not helping you, is it? Time to ditch it. Unless you're in line for a Nobel prize, most of us don't do 'great things', do we? The difference between a job earning £80k and £120k (or whatever differential you think has an impact) doesn't really count as 'greatness' in the grand scheme of things. It's fine to be ordinary. As you're discovering, 'ordinary' has plenty of challenges of its own.

I'd take the rather romanticised responses about children not remembering or caring about the material things with a pinch of salt. Children do notice scarcity or tension around money, and all the popcorn and hot chocolate on the sofa together won't necessarily blot out never going on holiday or having cool clothes or money for hobbies.

FWIW, I gave up full-time work about 8 years ago, and my income dropped to a third of what it had been. But the extra time I had meant I could explore what I really liked doing (turned out that was learning languages, taking exams in them, writing a blog, learning lots of DIY and gardening skills and getting fit - all relatively inexpensive compared to how I lived before) and budget really smart. So I have made less money go very much further and now even save more than when I was working FT. Not saying this would translate to your circumstances, but it is possible to maintain an interesting life on less money.