To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

She's not "missing out on their childhood" !! That smarmy trope needs to end now; it's an insult to millions of working parents.

OP, think hard about giving up a lucrative role with potential for advancement. You have to invest in your career at some point and paying those dues can be difficult, but you will be happy you persisted.

Can you get an au pair, nanny, cleaner, etc., to get you over the hump.

Can you look at your business calendar and predict when the difficult deadlines are likely to occur (even if they are client-driven) and when there might be periods of more normal hours? If you can take the long view and know that these peak periods come and go, it might help your mood.

Your kids will benefit from having a mother model dedication to work and career advancement.

Can you look at your business calendar and predict when the difficult deadlines are likely to occur (even if they are client-driven) and when there might be periods of more normal hours? If you can take the long view and know that these peak periods come and go, it might help your mood.

Unfortunately it's really unpredictable -I'm in a science/tech sector (bit niche so would be totally outing to say exactly what) a big part of which is working for government and we're just at the mercy of how they procure work - if we get two opportunities to bid for a ££million contract that come through at the same time we just have to find a way to write two bids (despite what you hear about politicians giving jobs to their mates, it's not my experience of how it works....or maybe I need to be mates with more politicians??). I also get pulled into 'troubleshoot' on projects which is by its nature unpredictable too. I don't actually dislike the work as such, I thrive on variety and unpredicatability BUT that goes hand-in-hand with stress and long hours which I like less!

Personally i dont think you can have it all. You are lucky you have a husband to share the load though. Something will have to give between the two of you if your kids are missing out. I have a friend like this, solo parent, studying, working, maintaining the home but she's always pushed to the limit and the truth is her kids struggle a bit and miss out. I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss things and who will give up what.

Alternately - are you permanent at work? Could you take your foot off the gas a little bit?

My theory is that no one can have an Immaculate house/be a domestic goddess, spend lots of time with the kids, and have a high powered job without either one of those things suffering or outsourcing one of them (ie get a cleaner/hire a nanny/go part-time).

I wouldn't choose life as you've described. But I have a low tolerance for a messy home and am not career orientated.

Sorry, i should add i have a decent job, good earnings etc. Single parent. I have a cleaner. However my career is pretty stagnant and if i were more ambitious, i dont think i could juggle it all. For now, a decent wage yet being able to spend time with my children is what i can do. If i had a supportive partner, then we would juggle it somehow.

hello!
such difficult situation for you!
im a single mum completely alone - no father and family far away - had a big job with lots of responsibility.
I learned the following and hope some things may help you…

1. outsource everything you can that either allows you to work and spend time with kids; regular cleaner essential; regular shop delivered; all bills automated on DD; all school costumes, cake sales - bought in.
2. have certain days of the week that you dedicate to work. I had mon - wed where i would work til late in the office and had after school nanny; would come home and once DD in bed would work til midnight. Thursday i always left work at 3pm for school pick up - it was pretty non negotiable; never missed parents evenings or key shows/ assemblies. But didn’t do any fund raising stuff.
3. Ensured that for 3 or 4 hours every weekend I played intensely with her on her level - on the floor with her toys or watched her things/ coloured played her games. If I did this once a week then this was enough for her to understand the rest of the week I was less free.
4. have a stash of presents and cards so you never have last minute rush / start xmas early do a small thing every week so nothing builds up.

Try not to feel guilty - it’s important to work and you’re being a good role model! Good luck x

No way would I work 100 hour weeks

That is ridiculous

Stress isn't good for you especially if its consistently everyday over a long period. Is the extra money worth it to potentailly harm your health and be missing out on time with your kids. Only you can decide.

I don't have kids but I purposely didn't go for a job paying £20k more because it meant doing some unsocialable hours and in the end the additional money didn't make up for those hours I would do. I have a lot of things I do after work so sacrificing those wasn't worth it. Sure the additional money might mean paying off the mortgage earlier, saving up to redo the kitchen in a year opposed to 2yrs but my work life balance is healthy and I am not stressed out

Well if you were on 100k or above I could understand

Realistically it is really hard to have two careers going at full pelt and be present and engaged for your children. I also think there is a big myth that things get easier once children are in school. I see so many people taking a big step up to coincide with school starting for the youngest and then struggling.

In hindsight, I found nursery to be much easier in terms of working. My children were fed and only needed a bath and bed in the evening allowing time to work if needed after they were asleep. With a 4 and 7 year old that doesn’t happen for me anymore. I collect at 6- need to feed them, need to sort homework, reading, music practice, friendship dramas. I often don’t get that process finished until 9 by which time i am too tired to log back in. Holiday camps are generally more inconvenient than school plus there are the random performances, ton of parties, bake a cake at short notice requests etc etc.

For you something probably has to give. At the moment, I am comfortable at work and can just about manage. I know the next rung up would tip us into chaos. If you think the job will get easier, I’d invest heavily in help to get you through the initial bump. If not, I think you have to decide whether it is worth it for you and your family.

i should just add that even on Thursdays i would always work once my daughter was in bed and also early weekend mornings whilst she was asleep.
i didn’t have a choice though… not sure what i’d have done if I’d had options!! You have to do what’s right for you xx

There is a learning curve in every new job. Mine generally got easier as I familiarised myself with them.

Good advice from @Lilactimes above. I think it important for my children to see both parents working, and women not sacrificing their own careers for the sake of husband/family. That is how we break the cycle of dependency that is revealed on a daily basis on Mumsnet.

Your kids will thank you later when you can give them flat deposits, pay for uni, car driving lessons, weddings etc.

get your husband to cut back on work and look after the DC more.

Could your partner not reduce his hours to help out whilst you adjust to the promotion?
Or do you have any family? The kids do need to be interacted yand and go out or that's not fair. At some point there will be homework and things that they will need help with so you need someone. Maybe even hire a nanny for after school or weekends (not cheap but would help) my daughter does watch TV but we also play outside and do games and occasionally go out places and it is important or they will get bored and not experience things.. I would look at after school clubs and childcare help so you can work but the kids are getting to do things and not just sat forced to be quiet and sit that's not nice for them or you xx

OP, it sounds as if we work in related fields.

Is there any way you as a family could adjust or do with less so you and your husband don't have to work so many hours?

You say you work in bidding, which I do understand is pressured. Maybe I'm asking the obvious, but does your company not have pre-structured packages for certain types of work of a certain value. Unless you do work that is truly different from one occasion to the next, are there not any trends that can be used to formulate bid packages?

Also, you may feel like your work demands it, but if you work somewhere that pretty much owns all of your time, then you really do need to leave. I don't care about the whole 'salary' reasoning that some people offer as an excuse for this type of work environment. You probably have a specified amount of work hours on your contract and that is what the salary should relate to.

It's understandable that some things might ebb & flow, but if the quiet periods aren't enough to compensate for the busy periods (or there are no quiet periods) then your contract needs to re-defined. If not, they're taking the piss.

If you got a 50% pay rise but you also have additional work.......was it really a payrise or did you just sign yourself up to work a lot of compulsory overtime hours at a standard hourly rate ???

Without wishing to cart any aspersions on OP’s marriage - this is not good advice. I held by career back while the kids were young, only for ex-DH to leave me. I would never advise any woman to give up her means of income

@Bunnycat101 One of the types of neglect that is missed is middle-upper class emotional neglect (not saying that this is the OP though). The kids are well fed and educated but they lose connection to their parents.

Both parents might be working full-on careers, both unwilling to budge or change. Their situation has come about because they've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and all that needs to be paid for - the private school, the tuition fees, sport clubs, clothes and a very expensive mortgage as they want to live a neighbourhood with lots of other affluent professionals, want to keep up with the Jones'. That does have benefits but it also has a downside.

My parents did none of those things for me, we were skint but they were present & we have an amazing relationship now.

DH's parents did do all those things but at the expense of any relationship with their son when he was young & it's difficult now as adults.

Kids would, largely, rather have a childhood with their parents than without. By the time you're throwing money at them to make up for never being there all manner of damage has already been done.

Exactly what @EarthSight said.

@Boodge

I think it’s a very personal decision. There are advantages to full time working/promotion, and advantages to not working/having more time for home life.

I agree that you are in early stages, so perhaps over time routines will fall into place more - and you could afford to get extra help. You are also a great example to your children - because you are achieving and successful - even if you feel you don’t have time for them.

That said, I’ve taken a role where I can pick up/drop off/term time - and I feel not very good at my job, and currently a bit pushed out at work because I work inconvenient hours. I’m on a much lower pay than I could be. I feel quite low and not valued at work. BUT - I do have time for homework, clubs, supporting them. DP is very much doing the full time role 8am til 9pm most days - so I feel one of us has to be there. Which is me as he is the higher earner.

Can your DP take on a bigger role supporting the children?

In the nicest possible way, do you know what your priorities are / what is most important to you?

For me (random internet stranger) work isn’t in my tops 3 priorities. I work a middle income, none exciting job. It provides me the opportunity to do more of my priorities…

In short strangers on the internet cannot tell you fi you should work more / less, outsource, our a rocket up DPs bum etc. you have to decide what your personal priorities are and build a life that lets you spend time on those priorities! And if having a good career etc is one of your priorities you’ll be able to make it work!

Well you can't have it all and I'd much rather feel like I'd failed at work than failed as a mum, they really are young for such a shot time, my dd has just started high school and it's amazing how quickly it feels like she needs me less and less, the flip side is I can concentrate on bettering myself at work now but I'm so glad I worked part time for her primary school years and was there for school runs and activities etc.

I agree with this.

Ultimately you can’t have it all and you need to do some work on yourself to decide what your priorities are.

It’s very tough if part of your self esteem comes from being an ‘achiever’ but doing the home/kids stuff isn’t any less of an achievement, it’s just that you don’t get any external validation for it - and in the absence of promotions, pay rises, and certificates, you have to be comfortable with validating yourself.

Very good points. Do you really want your kids to see you sideline your career in favor of housework and driving them to activities? What does that say to them?

@LaurieStrode

I’ve done as you describe there. They do have comfortable home, support and go to a lot of activities they enjoy.
I actually don’t think they have much interest in my previous career, and I think they’d only feel that I’d ‘sacrificed’ something if I made an issue of it.
They do see one parent who has focussed on career, and one who is more present.