To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

The OP said they live comfortably within their means and some of the extra money goes on nice to haves, so them surviving and scraping by would be a pretty strangulated interpretation of what she wrote.

To add, you can be the capable one and the clever one without the high flying job, and your self esteem is not defined by your role, you can find ‘success’ in any area of your life. Personally I also find clarity in organisation and calmness, and you say yourself the house isn’t that way currently. If you decide you want to stay in the job perhaps a week off, blitz the house, declutter and invest some money and time in super efficient routines and storage solutions, sorted laundry baskets for each family member, everything with a labelled home etc and remove unwanted items will help the stress and calm levels in the house. Then a cleaner to keep on top. All the best!

There’s no right or wrong answer OP. I was in your position six months ago and I decided that the best choice for me was to resign. I have accepted a more local, part-time job with no management responsibility (and less pay of course!) although I don’t start it until the end of the year so I can’t comment yet on whether it was the right decision for me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this and decided that for me personally, career success is not a great motivator. When people talk about how much they enjoy their jobs I don’t relate to it. For me my career has only ever been a source of anxiety rather than a cure for it. However I know that others find the complete opposite and that’s totally normal, we are all different.

When you say high-paid, what kind of salary are you talking about? There are very different definitions of this on MN 😊 If it’s six figures then maybe you should be thinking about getting a nanny etc? Certainly if you are going to stay in the job I do think you and DH need to sit down together and work out what you can outsource. All the couples I know with 2 x demanding careers outsource a LOT of housework and childcare.

Also, you probably aren’t doing as badly as you think at work. I felt like I was drowning but once I announced I was leaving everyone was shocked and full of positive feedback and “what will we do without you” type comments!

It’s tough. But success and ambition comes in different forms. I work 3 days a week in the job I had pre children. I’ve not moved levels/climbed the ladder but was given a senior project a few years ago (covid time) that caused massive stress and working massively extra hours. It showed to me I DID NOT want to click the ladder.

things are back to normal at work and I feel I’m successful and met my ambitions because I have a meaningful job that works the brain, pays decent but doesn’t cause stress (most of time) and gives me a good work life balance. The children love having me with headspace and time for them.

Definitely this! Good luck x

OP there is going to also be the added element here of the fact it’s a promotion and you’re still settling into your role and a rhythm yet. Stuff will eventually get easier. That’s natural with any job regardless of seniority. In addition, it sounds like you suffer from imposter syndrome (I do too). That will be giving you a possibly inaccurate slant on the whole situation.

I am a ‘high flyer’ (hate that term). I earn a lot and work a lot of hours. It does calm down and I keep my imposter syndrome in a box as much as possible. I also pay for help with childcare and have a cleaner 3 hours a week. My weekend is off limits - I refuse to do work at the weekends - that’s my sons time. Evenings 5-730pm also his time and I work late if needed.

If you are missing deadlines maybe you consider how you can delegate?

I have a high level job, it’s not easy when they are little but it does get better. Personally I could do the lesser job but I wouldn’t be happy. It might work for you but consider whether you would be unfulfilled/frustrated.

Put in place everything you can think of to make life easier- hello fresh, cleaner, ironing services.

Designate a time slot that it just for the kids, you’ll feel less guilty and will probably be more productive for the break. Is there an after school club or a babysitter who can come in after school to play games?

some coaching with an occupational therapist might be helpful for managing stress, productivity etc.

i hope you can find a balance!

Tricky one as I understand the kind of role you do and some sectors are more “work around the clock” pressure than others. Without knowing exactly about your role though it’s hard to comment. I was halfway up a reasonably good career path and decided not to return after Mat leave - was v easy decision for me as I didn’t like my job. No idea what I’m going to do as the kids get a bit older but I’m starting to think about next career moves. My DH is pretty senior in a corporate role - he earns £500k+ per year when bonuses are factored in and he very rarely works past 5.30 - and I mean maybe once or twice per year. He does have to work away a few days a month though. He’s very good at his job and sometimes has team members below home who work like you describe and he often thinks it means they aren’t as capable or that they are wasting their effort as no one can be productive that many hours per day/week (easy for him to say as a white, middle class man who doesn’t have the same external pressures.) Of course with the exception of deadlines and I know some industries- big consulting firms/law firms etc do expect this kind of output more. Could it be that you are trying to prove yourself too much on your return to full time and the new job? Do you think others are working at this rate too? Do you think you are being productive all of the time you describe? If so then I guess that’s the way of your line of work so you have to decide on that. If not maybe being stricter with yourself? I’m not saying you have to start saying you have to take a “lunch hour” or turning your phone off after 6 but maybe being a bit easier on yourself? And weekends sounds like a lot unless nearing a v big deadline? Are the white middle aged men (like my DH!) putting themselves under as much pressure? They have everything much easier in corporate life - and they know it.

I chose to prioritise family life and have never regretted it. Only you know what will make you happy, though.
If you choose to continue, you can buy in lots of help and focus on family when you are at home.

Can you hire a cleaner / nanny to help?

Could you condense your hours work 5 days in 4 or 10 days in 9?

It’s hard work with two working parents, you are in the teething months. Give it a few more months and you might settle down. If not then look at what your priorities are.

For me (this is my opinion) kids come first over work, no one ever said on their deathbed I wish I worked more however if work is super important to you and something that’s drives you that’s also ok.

@foxglovers he earns 500k+?? That’s amazing!

The job I’ve just resigned from “only” paid 65k and I was working around the clock, it wasn’t worth it.

I’d be interested to know where the OP’s salary sits on the scale!

I notice that you are all "me me me" or "I I I" but nothing about the most important people here. What about your children's feelings? I feel sorry for them

I'd have used a good portion of that payrise on some help. Cleaner/part-time housekeeper/au-pair/meal delivery depending on what I needed

I notice that you are all "me me me" or "I I I" but nothing about the most important people here. What about your children's feelings? I feel sorry for them

Literally half of her OP is about the children, what post are you reading?

Priortise getting a cleaner and some child care help into the house ASAP.
Congratulations on the job not sure if men would be getting told to give it up .Glad your husband does a good share as well.
I do think that it's time for you to set some boundaries work wise .Yes I'll work all the hrs when big pressure on but otherwise I finish at and no working at weekend.
Good luck

It's a tricky situation OP-well done on your promotion btw. I'm in awe of all my female friends who have stressful jobs and kids too. I couldn't do it. Especially now I'm peri menopausal I'd just be too tired. All I would say is by the time your kids start secondary school you'll notice a massive change in them. They'll suddenly become much more independent (some start much earlier like year 5/6) & want to hang out with their mates more & spend less time with us parents. We really don't have all that long to really spend quality time with our kids tbh. My youngest - DS 15 - became v independent around 12/13. He's a lovely boy but wants to spend a lot of his time now in his room or with his mates or up in our garden room. And that's all perfectly normal & fine. He's busy revising /doing homework/at school or playing football- so I don't spend a lot of time with him unless I'm driving him somewhere or we're eating tea etc. Every friend I know has used grandparents for childcare if both parents work FT. That wasn't possible for us and wasn't what I wanted anyway. I have a number of friends approaching 50 who seemed unbelievably stressed/exhausted & who don't necessarily have the greatest relationships with their mid/late teenagers. I think it's a shame as we can't get those years back. Outsource as many chores as you can at home OP. But I don't think you should be working long hours all week and still working all weekend too -that seems bonkers to me!

Ok well there are lots of questions to consider here

1. Is this a temporary situation - will either you or your DH’s work pressure ease off in say the next year? For example if yours is a new job there is usually a learning curve and it might get easier (although sounds like a lot of the pressure is inherent)

2. Are there things you can outsource? Enough to make a big difference? I know that finding people to help (cleaner etc) is a job in itself, but great once done

3. The big question: If the pressure won’t ease much and/or you can’t outsource enough to make a big difference: How much do you and DH enjoy your respective jobs? What does the extra money give you - ability to retire earlier perhaps? Are the upsides worth it, basically?

4. If the upsides don’t feel worth it : Do you or DH have the type of job where you can step back for now and then get back in fairly easily? Or would it be difficult? Because the pros/cons balance will be different later in life

5. What about unpaid parental leave (up to 4 weeks a year for each of you) - could use this to sort the house out, see more of DC in the holidays? No good if the work just piles up in your absence though.

This!

Where was your husband in all of this? When did he take his turn to take kids to their activities?

Women have a right to be successful in whatever form this takes for them
too if they choose

I know what you mean because I can feel like that - and my job isn’t nearly as full on as yours!

Read your updates re husband but in that case I can’t see how it’s such a problem

Once you have children and a house to run, what you really need is someone at home full time running the show. If both parents work full time, even if they are both pulling their weight there is too much to do to have a relaxing life. Everything will always be a rush.

Now I'm certainly not saying you should give up work and become a sahm...I'm just saying that if you do work full-time you need to have realistic expectations and recognise that you're not doing anything wrong ..this is just what it is.

Sadly people in general value money over all else so this does seem to be normal life. However, we have a special role as mother's and you need to consider whether the extra money is worth your children not having their mother properly present in their lives?

Bollocks to that. Follow that path and be one of many, many, women with no financial independence and a very poor retirement to look forward to. If you enjoy your job bloody go for it.

If you’re too senior to take it to your line manager you must have the authority to recruit a bigger team to support you and take some of the load away.

This. 100% and many times over.

Yes is the answer , yes you do .
You may feel like a failure but I’d rather be a failure in a job than with my kids. Harsh but true.

It all sounds too much . This sounds like a job for someone with no kids abs doesn’t sound very sustainable .

You have to talk to you dh , can’t he do more around the house abs with the kids short term . You both need to get through this period whole
you find another job.