To comment on being ‘airbrushed’ out of girl weekend IG post

[Readytoplay]

Last weekend, my friend organised a ‘girls' weekend’ for her birthday. In attendance were me, friend’s GF, another friend of hers from school and 4 of her Uni mates (that I hadn’t met prior to this trip). Yesterday friend who organised the trip posted on IG some pictures of the trip and tagged everyone but me. I really want to comment something along the lines of ‘it’s almost like I wasn’t there’ but not sure if I should. I haven't literally been airbrushed from the pictures, but It feels like I have been airbrushed from the event itself.

For context, I am autistic and really struggle with feeling valued as a person, due to the stigma that being ND has especially when I was a teen. I am just really hurt as it is bringing up the scars from school of no one wanting to be associated with the ‘SEN girl’.

AIBU to put a sarky/PA comment: mostly because I want to project how I feel. But at the same I don’t want to be meet the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational.

YABU: don’t put a comment
YANBU: do put a comment.

Sorry OP I just read again and I realise it was your friend who uploaded. I'd check you FB settings as a PP suggested.

I honestly think I wouldn't even mention it tbh. I'd let it go

I agree that a chat is probably the best cause of action and will talk to her tonight, as I have to go to her house latter anyway (for completely unrelated reasons). so will be diplomatic and understanding but honest on how I feel.

I'm honestly cringing for you, op, because you are escalating this non-issue into a massive ordeal.

Let's just say this is the worst case scenario and this person deliberately didn't tag you, for whatever reason. They are entitled to not tag you. They don't have to include you in their social media posts. They are not responsible for your mental health issues around feeling that you weren't included as a child.

You are basing relationships on tagging on social media. It's just bonkers.

This could have been cleared up with a simple message or call to your so called oldest friend.

Please don't put a snarky comment on the picture and really don't bring it up with your friend, it likely won't do any good in the long term. You were invited, your friend wanted you there, you all had a good time. You bringing up about being tagged in pictures on social media makes you come across as difficult, and hard to please and will set a new tone to the relationship, this will eventually lead to you not being invited in the future. Just let it go.

I think it's reasonable to feel that your best friend values you. Isn't that how friendships work?

Actually I believe the best friend uploaded photos none of which include the OP (which makes the lack of tagging make more sense, but opens another can of worms).

Just message your friend with an, ''Ooooh, love the pics! What a weekend! Can you tag me so I can have them on my page, too? Thanks!"

This. I understand your hurt, though. I'd definitely distance myself.

Massive overreaction. Maybe take a break from social media if a perceived slight affects you so negatively

Every single one of the posters on here who have put belittling comments to the OP have just perfectly demonstrated why we keep saying Mumsnet has a real ableism problem.

The OP has autism. This is exactly the kind of emotional/social situation which people with autism struggle with.

All of you posting smart arsed snarky comments should be ashamed of yourselves for being so damn childish and ignorant.

And for you @Readytoplay 💐

I totally understand why you feel the way you do, it’s obviously hurt your feelings and bought back the horrible experience from school, but I think this is one of those situations that you have to tell yourself not to take it personally, quite often these situations are more like thoughtlessness rather than to be deliberately hurtful. You could always mention to your friend when you next see her that it made you feel excluded but don’t get into a tit for tat on social media , it won’t resolve it and will
likely make you feel worse.

@Readytoplay you are very much over reacting. You were invited on the trip, you are liked. Social media is really stupid and causes all kinds of distress.

It could be that 'Anne' is insecure herself about being part of this friend group, and so has rushed to put up photos of her being great friends with them, rather than leaving you out deliberately, which would be puzzling.

I would also be very hurt - but ultimately, you'll only know the real reason by having a conversation with Anne.

Wise words from SilverCat.

OP, you said...

"Sorry, for the late response. I was reading the full thread. For clarification, No: I wasn’t included in any of the pictures."

...........

THEN you said...

"All the pictures with me looked crap (either myself, Anne or others looked unflattering, blinking, picture was blurry.)"

I'm confused @Readytoplay You say you aren't included in any of the pictures, but then go on to say all the pictures with you looked crap.

So were you in any of the pictures or not?

@DonnaTellMeThis

Oh behave yourself! Where did the OP say this is the only thing she has got to worry about?! This is such a pathetic, weak, snarky, passive aggressive comment!

Just because someone is bothered by something fairly trivial, that doesn't mean they haven't got other issues and problems in their life!

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer you've missed the part where OP says

"But I do accept that their maybe reasons for this that are understandable.

1. All the pictures with me looked crap (either myself, Anne or others looked unflattering, blinking, picture was blurry)"

i.e. that maybe she didn't include pics of OP for this reason.

I think you should be glad you have money for the trip, friends who included you in the actual trip, childcare to enable you to go etc

Try and remember life is much vaster than social media. It more than likely wasn’t personal. Don’t make it public. It will not end well.

@Readytoplay , I will admit that I don't know exactly how you're feeling but I've read the thread through and it just feels like you're determined to find a way to sabotage this friendship if at all possible. Your attitude to your friend is a bit unkind and you will not draw back from ascribing the worst possible motives for what probably is a small oversight to her.

Have you considered how hurt she would feel if she knew what you really think of her as a friend? Because it sounds like you're determined to let her know and nothing is going to deter you. Just be aware - sometimes people say their piece and regret it.

Oh thank you @CharlotteBog I didn't read it properly.

Apologies @Readytoplay yes indeed YANBU to be upset and pissed off at not being on any of the photos. I would not be commenting on the post, but I would be asking your friend WHY you are not on any of the photos. How odd!

Not to state the obvious but have you checked that your insta settings actually allow tagging?

If you've been in counselling working on this did they not talk about negative rumination and over active thinking? Agree with pp it's not helpful.

This is a great time to go against what you really want to do, which is letting them know.

they won’t respect you for it … you won’t feel any better because of of having said something.

Oh for the days when social media didn't exist.

I know someone who was upset that someone didn't put a like tick in a post of his. I'm saying nothing new here as unfortunately this feeling of rejection is quite common, just that if you knew him you would never have believed something so trivial could make someone like him feel that way.

All over the world mental health has taken a major nose dive due in large part to the effect of social media. The need for (fake) approval has been ramped up, which has been terrible for society (especially younger people).

If I had my way I'd bin all of it.

agree, and i'd actually consider it manipulative. it would feel like walking on eggshells as it would seem the slightest thing could make them feel hurt/leftout.

I was the uncool kid in secondary school and anyone who hung out with me was brave. So why do you think that having been brave in secondary school, your friend has suddenly caved to social pressure as an adult? I doesn't make sense.

OP, you are giving in to your feelings of being excluded when it sounds like not only were you not excluded by the people there enjoyed your company.

agree, and i'd actually consider it manipulative. it would feel like walking on eggshells as it would seem the slightest thing could make them feel hurt/leftout.

This. People who are so self-obsessed that they are so upset over not having a photo put up of them are not people I'd want to hang around with.

I have deep routed trauma because of past experiences. I was told this when I was in counselling at 17 due to feeling suicidal. So yes, looking after my mental well-being is a top priority for me.

@Readytoplay This isn't helping your mental wellbeing at all. What would help you to feel better about yourself is concentrating on things that matter. Spend your energy making other people's lives better, not obsessing about how you feel.