To comment on being ‘airbrushed’ out of girl weekend IG post

[Readytoplay]

Last weekend, my friend organised a ‘girls' weekend’ for her birthday. In attendance were me, friend’s GF, another friend of hers from school and 4 of her Uni mates (that I hadn’t met prior to this trip). Yesterday friend who organised the trip posted on IG some pictures of the trip and tagged everyone but me. I really want to comment something along the lines of ‘it’s almost like I wasn’t there’ but not sure if I should. I haven't literally been airbrushed from the pictures, but It feels like I have been airbrushed from the event itself.

For context, I am autistic and really struggle with feeling valued as a person, due to the stigma that being ND has especially when I was a teen. I am just really hurt as it is bringing up the scars from school of no one wanting to be associated with the ‘SEN girl’.

AIBU to put a sarky/PA comment: mostly because I want to project how I feel. But at the same I don’t want to be meet the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational.

YABU: don’t put a comment
YANBU: do put a comment.

It's really heartbreaking to hear about your experience at school and i'm so sorry you went through that. I think what some people don't understand is that experiencing social rejection at a young age leaves an indelible mark on the psyche and can make people very sensitive to things in their adult life that others might dismiss as nothing. I went through a difficult time at my sixth form college and stuggled to make friends as most of them were of the "mean girls" ilk. I'm not autistic but of a more sensitive disposition so found this difficult. That experience affected my relationships to some degree for many years afterwards. I have finally moved on from it but was where you are about five years ago. Just trust me, it does get easier with age. I think what you need to work on is not this silly person who excluded you, but why you are so convinced it comes from a place of maliciousness. It may have been a harmlesss mistake. And even if it was intentinal, why you value this person's opinion of you so much. I don't mean this in a critical way, i just recommend asking these questions to help you work through it.

@Readytoplay I understand this entirely. Here's the advice I've been given in the past:

You are giving too much weight to the fact your mind knows the narrative. Your mind can be cruel and make up scenarios. You have two options.

1. Brush it off as something that isn't big and is just an oversight and genuinely get over it. No more talk or thought of it. Let it go.

2. Ask her if in person or on the phone (if possible) if she has any photos of you with the group as you couldn't see any posted of you included. If she does, it's ok to say "I doubt it was your intention but I have felt erased from the memory of even being in attendance" and see what comes of it.

They are your only two options.

I get your mind is mulling over 1,000 scenarios of why this happened and what you might have done and your own inadequacies whilst feeling very deeply about this but you won't know if you don't ask. Equally, if your friendship is quite strong then it's ok not to give it weight and not think more of it. I do think if you're both at uni age then you do need to prepare for the fact your twenties are when friendships start to change and others become stronger. It

Don't! Just don't put on a sarky comment. Why would you. You don't know this person. I'm sure she didn't have any nasty intent
She just doesn't know you. Just comment "Great pics of a great weekend! Loved meeting you all!" Leave it at that and move on!

I completely understand, I have an Autistic daughter and I know that she would feel the same way.
It seems some people (with their unhelpful comments) don't understand how this might make an Autistic person feel, given that some Autistic people can lack some self confidence and often need some reassurance.

I think it's likely they have just overlooked the situation, but as it clearly (and understandly) bothers you I would simply ask your friend if they 'forgot' to tag you in? If you enjoyed the weekend, tell them that you did, then it's probably best to leave it at that.

Best wishes to you, I hope you get some clarification 😊

Oh @Readytoplay , I just want to give you a big cwtch! Ignore the idiot asking if this is "all you have to worry about". Many, many people don't understand neurodiversity - try not to take comments like that to heart.

I understand why you feel like a simple oversight wouldn't make sense, but lots of people make simple oversights at times - neurodiverse people and neurotypical people alike!

To me it sounds like you maybe have a touch of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - a common issue for neurodiverse people. Maybe this is something you can look into or explore in counselling so that you are better able to manage events like this? I'm not sure how old you are, but it may reassure you to know that RSD does tend to ease slightly as you understand it more, and as you get older and naturally more secure in yourself.

Having a chat with your friend sounds like a good plan. Just approach it gently, as your friend obviously likes you (else she wouldn't have invited you!) and I'm sure had no intention of hurting you. Hope the chat goes well. :)

Definitely don't post a comment. If you react like that you will look a bit silly; even if they did intentionally leave you off. I would try not overthink it. You're self aware and see that your fears and history of treatment in the past is what is playing out more than anything here. I wouldn't even mention it tbh.
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RTFT, her friend is the one who posted. They've known each other since they were 4.

Still, no good comes of a sarcastic or passive aggressive comment.

You are not being unreasonable. It is so hard when you are ND, I am and so are my two children. I hope this gets sorted out, do they know you are Autistic? If they do shame on them!

There are a lot of non judgemental and judgemental people out there, if they are judgemental I am sorry. Maybe you can meet for coffee with your friend and explain how you feel and the past triggers it has brought on x

Are you sure she wasn’t just not tagging you in case you didn’t want to be? I never tag anyone in anything unless I know 100% that they are happy to be tagged?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but you are over-reacting. (I have Asperger's, diagnosed before it merged with autism, so I'm not judging).

From the context you've added, it does seem purposeful, but at the end of the day it's just a social media tag, and part of being an adult is knowing that many friends are fickle when it comes down to it. There's no point in taking it personally, most people's priority is themselves.

If you bring it up, just say simply, calmly and casually, "you didn't tag me in any of the photos I was in" and see what she says.

If you start trying too hard to be "diplomatic" and sensitive about it, it will automatically let her know this is a really big deal to you.

Yanbu, you sound so lovely and I think Anne was really very sly doing that. There's no way she didn't notice that. All the reasons you listed are not good enough to leave you out. I do think you need to speak to her and find out what's happened. It doesn't make you petty at all, your feelings are valid.

Completely agree with this. And anyway @Readytoplay can't you just tag yourself? That's what I do if I appear in pictures someone else has posted. It's a common way around to do it in my friendship group. That way it only appears on the timelines of the people who choose to tag themselves.

Yes, it's a bit unfair

No, don't comment or make a fuss. Move on

Bloody hell some nasty replies in this thread.

I can understand why you feel hurt OP but I wouldn’t write a public comment it would make you look silly and ultimately make you feel worse.

You could private message her and say something like “great photos had loads of fun, was there any photos with me in that you could send?” This would highlight to her she’s left you out (which is likely unintentional) but without sounding petty.

I'd assume it was unintentional and comment something like 'Oi. Where's my tag'

@stylishnot Yes, it’s almost certainly the really good friend (best friend as op calls her) who invited op on this fun weekend and to all intents and purposes seems to be a lovely life long, supportive friend who has purposely and spitefully left op out of the SM post. After years of loyal friendship. 🙄

Don’t underestimate RSD, it’s brutal

Just add on the posts love the photos or X we all had a great time 🎉 they’ll get the message that they’ve forgotten to include you hopefully it’s a mistake if not it will make tge look like complete 💩bags

Almost certainly unintentional, don't take it personally

Having a ND family I get where your coming from.
These sort of things used to keep me awake at night worrying and stressing out over what was wrong, had I upset friends, did they not really like me etc
Cast vast majority of times it was oversight, other people being busy and forgetting and I was making myself ill over nothing.

I now have an 18 year old girl who is autistic with a ton of extras and she will go over and over every detail to me while ticking.
It's really hard to break that anxiety cycle but for your own peace of mind it's best to have a quiet word with your friend just to put your mind at rest as the stress is so very damaging

'No way she didn't notice'? You can't be serious.

It's very easy to miss tagging someone in a photo, especially if there are a lot of people.

Likely Facebook recognised some faces and suggested the tags and she hit accept without thinking about it at all. I wouldn't in a million years think that someone would be offended because I didn't tag them. It would not cross my mind.

She's in the photo! She was invited on the trip. She describes her as a good friend.

Grown women don't deliberately not tag people to hurt their feelings.

It's clearly an oversight.

You're not helping OP by feeding into her fears.

Her feelings are valid but her perception is off on this one.

Totally agree with this. But I do think people should call this behaviour out when they see it (in this instance, it is highly likely she HAS been 'airbrushed' out). I know so many instances where this has happened and it's shit behaviour that's allowed to continue because people don't say anything. Frankly, I'd far rather be the genuine one, say what I really thought and risk losing these 'friends' than be around a bunch of fakes.

She is in the photos…

So she’s been friends with this person since she was 4, describes her has her best friend and doesn’t have anything bad to say about her… But suddenly this good and loyal friend (who was a friend to op in school when others thought she was weird) has decided to be an utter bitch - out of nowhere - and purposely leave op out of photos and tags?

What the fuck are some of you on?

And yeah - you’re not helping op with this absolute fuckwittery.

I have self esteem issues, rejection sensitivity etc too, but I don't see what's wrong with telling OP not to commit social suicide?

Strangely nasty posts should be ignored – probably posters feeling bitter about their own lives – but helpful advice is, well, helpful.

On the other end of the spectrum (no pun intended), "sympathetic" posts egging OP on to publicly burn bridges with friends and all onlookers are just shit stirring!