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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To comment on being ‘airbrushed’ out of girl weekend IG post

301 replies

Readytoplay · 17/10/2023 12:31

Last weekend, my friend organised a ‘girls' weekend’ for her birthday. In attendance were me, friend’s GF, another friend of hers from school and 4 of her Uni mates (that I hadn’t met prior to this trip). Yesterday friend who organised the trip posted on IG some pictures of the trip and tagged everyone but me. I really want to comment something along the lines of ‘it’s almost like I wasn’t there’ but not sure if I should. I haven't literally been airbrushed from the pictures, but It feels like I have been airbrushed from the event itself.

For context, I am autistic and really struggle with feeling valued as a person, due to the stigma that being ND has especially when I was a teen. I am just really hurt as it is bringing up the scars from school of no one wanting to be associated with the ‘SEN girl’.

AIBU to put a sarky/PA comment: mostly because I want to project how I feel. But at the same I don’t want to be meet the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational.

YABU: don’t put a comment
YANBU: do put a comment.

OP posts:
curaçao · 19/10/2023 05:44

Just send a message ' please tag me' uf you cant tag yourself.i suspect your closest friend knows you are supersensitive about stuff, and has erred on the side of caution by not tagging you without your express permission.

Ilovecleaning · 19/10/2023 06:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bit of a shitty question…

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/10/2023 06:51

adhdgirly · 19/10/2023 05:08

I have self esteem issues, rejection sensitivity etc too, but I don't see what's wrong with telling OP not to commit social suicide?

Strangely nasty posts should be ignored – probably posters feeling bitter about their own lives – but helpful advice is, well, helpful.

On the other end of the spectrum (no pun intended), "sympathetic" posts egging OP on to publicly burn bridges with friends and all onlookers are just shit stirring!

Edited

It's an interesting insight into how many people are so keen to blow up their relationships over nothing. And encourage others to do the same.

Normalsizedsalad · 19/10/2023 06:53

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/10/2023 06:51

It's an interesting insight into how many people are so keen to blow up their relationships over nothing. And encourage others to do the same.

Show quote history

I believe there are some people on MN who give bad advice on purpose.

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/10/2023 06:58

Maybe that's it. If it's not, it's dispiriting to see the numbers of people who wouldn't give those closet to them the benefit of the doubt, however trivial the situation.

Shasaedar · 19/10/2023 08:32

I think there are a lot of NT people on here who clearly don't understand how hurtful this feels to someone who's ND.

Personally I wouldn't comment on the post, but I'd speak to the friend and say " I know I'm probably just being oversensitive but noticed you didn’t tag me in the post." If she's a proper friend she'll probably realise it was a genuine oversight, apologise and update the post.

A true friend will know you well enough to know you'd find something like this upsetting and won't make you feel bad for bringing it up. The fact you're in the photos probably means it is a genuine mistake. x

Devora13 · 19/10/2023 09:14

I don't feel I can vote either way. If she's a real friend, I would contact her privately and explain how this has made you feel.

pollymere · 19/10/2023 11:06

I find that FB doesn't let me tag certain people as it can't find them when I search! It's extremely annoying but definitely nothing personal to the person. It can also be that you've set FB to not allow you to be tagged. I usually apologize in the comments with the pics.

SunRainStorm · 19/10/2023 11:09

@Shasaedar

I believe you and OP when you say this is hurtful, but I genuinely wouldn't in a million years expect any adult to care at all about this. I wouldn't even notice if I was tagged or not.

I agree that a true friend will listen to your feelings and try to help you feel comfortable, but the friend hasn't done anything wrong. I like your suggested wording, which acknowledges it's more of an OP issue than a mistake made by the friend.

Someone in my family is constantly offended by benign things (didn't have the version of coke he likes when he visits the house, didn't return a text in 4 minutes, named our baby after another relative and not him, didn't thank him for carrying something from the car, someone gave us flowers he famously hates the smell of and we didn't bin them before his visit) All of them are interpreted as a terrible rejection and insult and he gets very upset. It's like walking around land mines and it makes it exhausting to be around him. Sometimes we just can't deal with it and he doesn't get included. I have other things on my plate and can't tap dance around him every time.

I'm sure he's ND but from a time when it wasn't recognised in the same way.

Not saying this is what OP is like, but there is a cost, even in a close relationship, if the ND person is relying on the people around them to make things 'right' according to their perceptions and feelings, and not focusing on addressing their own reaction instead.

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/10/2023 11:41

SwingTheMonkey · 19/10/2023 04:56

So she’s been friends with this person since she was 4, describes her has her best friend and doesn’t have anything bad to say about her… But suddenly this good and loyal friend (who was a friend to op in school when others thought she was weird) has decided to be an utter bitch - out of nowhere - and purposely leave op out of photos and tags?

What the fuck are some of you on?

And yeah - you’re not helping op with this absolute fuckwittery.

Edited
Show quote history

I know people who've been treated worse, in the end, by friends than so-called 'enemies'. The fact she IS supposedly such a close friend is the sticking point here.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 19/10/2023 11:48

Have you put up photos of the break and tagged everyone op?
If not maybe as others have said friend is unsure you want them on sm.
Or maybe it's Occums Razor, it's literally an oversight.

I have it set so my being tagged isn't shown till I approve it, have you checked its not sitting waiting on this?

SwingTheMonkey · 19/10/2023 12:02

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/10/2023 11:41

I know people who've been treated worse, in the end, by friends than so-called 'enemies'. The fact she IS supposedly such a close friend is the sticking point here.

Show quote history

She’s a close friend so you give her the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst, surely?

People are odd…

blanketnugget · 19/10/2023 12:06

@Normalsizedsalad I really believe that too, especially about marriage

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/10/2023 12:12

SwingTheMonkey · 19/10/2023 12:02

She’s a close friend so you give her the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst, surely?

People are odd…

Show quote history

It takes time and effort to tag people in FB posts. If she's a good friend she'll know that a) OP is a little more sensitive than most and b) that she likes being tagged in things. So, I'd say that removes a lot of 'doubt'.

As trivial as this might seem to us, social media is central to a lot of people's lives these days and it's important OP's feelings of being sidelined are acknowledged.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/10/2023 12:43

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/10/2023 12:12

It takes time and effort to tag people in FB posts. If she's a good friend she'll know that a) OP is a little more sensitive than most and b) that she likes being tagged in things. So, I'd say that removes a lot of 'doubt'.

As trivial as this might seem to us, social media is central to a lot of people's lives these days and it's important OP's feelings of being sidelined are acknowledged.

Show quote history

I’m not suggesting her feelings of being sidelined shouldn’t be acknowledged. Rather that the assumption her lifelong friend has suddenly become a complete bitch is the least likely scenario, rather than the most - as some posters have claimed.

It’s easily sorted by op bringing it up with her friend in a non accusatory way.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 19/10/2023 12:49

As trivial as this might seem to us, social media is central to a lot of people's lives these days and it's important OP's feelings of being sidelined are acknowledged.

I do understand this however as @SunRainStorm puts it can be exhausting constantly having to deal with how other people interpret a situation if its always negatively and the expectations that this is for other people to manage.
I think it would be a shame if the good memories of the birthday weekend were marred by OP following advice here to have a go or be snarky about it.

MrsElsa · 19/10/2023 13:07

It will be nearly impossible to maintain relationships if you insist on being so paranoid. Next time you get convinced someone has been deliberately awful to you, I challenge you to come up with 4 alternative explanations which are NOTHING to do with you.

  1. She clicked to tag you but it didn't save (technical glitch)
  2. She thought you'd rather not be tagged so didn't (your friend was being a good friend and empathetic to you)
  3. She didn't tag anyone, and all the other tags were people tagging themselves (your friend is treating everyone equally)
  4. She got distracted halfway through posting the photo and forgot who she hadn't tagged yet (your friend has a life outside of posting on social media)
LiveRightNow · 19/10/2023 13:59

I hope you got your resolution when you met up. I'm late to the thread and haven't read all the replies, just your messages, but my first thought was if she was aware of your confidence issues she may not have tagged you without your permission because she thought you wouldn't like to be tagged in photos without being asked. I have lots of very good friends who also struggle socially and one thing that stresses them out is being tagged in photos without approving them first so I purposely don't tag them, not to be mean but out of respect for them. Generally the easiest way to see if this is the case is to tag yourself.

Also it may be as someone other suggest that either your setting don't allow tagging or that the uni friends tagged themselves.

I do hope it was one of these kinder reasons. She invited you along and posted up a photo of you on social media so it really doesn't seem like she is wants to exclude you from her social life at all.

Normalsizedsalad · 19/10/2023 14:20

pollymere · 19/10/2023 11:06

I find that FB doesn't let me tag certain people as it can't find them when I search! It's extremely annoying but definitely nothing personal to the person. It can also be that you've set FB to not allow you to be tagged. I usually apologize in the comments with the pics.

I have it set so I can't be tagged. I don't want to be tagged😂 that includes comments😂

GabriellaFaith · 19/10/2023 14:31

If your not actually IN the photos, you wouldn't be tagged? I think your over thinking it x

LIZS · 19/10/2023 14:38

Not worth a mention tbh. Are you even a friend of hers? Can you tag yourself?

axolotlfloof · 19/10/2023 16:43

Please let it go. She is your best friend and you will only upset her.
You could put a genuinely positive comment.
"Thanks for the lovely weekend. So much fun." Or just leave it.
Social media is meaningless as is reading too much into this.

warmmfeet · 19/10/2023 18:43

Is it possible they didn't know your surname to tag you or something like that?

IDontWantTheWorldToSeeMe · 20/10/2023 03:25

@Readytoplay how did you get on with Anne when you met up?
Sending love from a fellow ND. It's a very confusing world at times x

Swishytwip · 21/10/2023 12:09

PA is a fear response from those who don't feel able to communicate honestly; it's never helpful.Talk to your friend in person about feeling hurt and left out due to the non-tag. That seems perfectly reasonable to me (but I'm ND too).
Moving forward, your life will be infinitely better once you find your ND tribe: I don't really have any allistic/NT friends. It happened by 'accident' (IE not intentionally) but it's awesome. I think the problem with this relationship with Anne is that, in your mind, she's still the 'cool girl' and you're still 'the special kid', so there's almost a sense that you feel like she's doing you a favour by being your friend? This creates an imbalance and impedes the relationship, since friendship is based on equality with peers. This kind of thinking may also prevent you from realising that you are a wonderful, unique individual, fully deserving of love and friendship.