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AIBU?

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Original poster

To comment on being ‘airbrushed’ out of girl weekend IG post

301 replies

Readytoplay · 17/10/2023 12:31

Last weekend, my friend organised a ‘girls' weekend’ for her birthday. In attendance were me, friend’s GF, another friend of hers from school and 4 of her Uni mates (that I hadn’t met prior to this trip). Yesterday friend who organised the trip posted on IG some pictures of the trip and tagged everyone but me. I really want to comment something along the lines of ‘it’s almost like I wasn’t there’ but not sure if I should. I haven't literally been airbrushed from the pictures, but It feels like I have been airbrushed from the event itself.

For context, I am autistic and really struggle with feeling valued as a person, due to the stigma that being ND has especially when I was a teen. I am just really hurt as it is bringing up the scars from school of no one wanting to be associated with the ‘SEN girl’.

AIBU to put a sarky/PA comment: mostly because I want to project how I feel. But at the same I don’t want to be meet the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational.

YABU: don’t put a comment
YANBU: do put a comment.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 17/10/2023 14:54

The purpose of tags is to presumably to bring the photo to the attention of the people that are in it, who might otherwise miss it?

Maybe the other girls aren’t as active on SM so won’t see the photo if not told to look? Or your friend is not sure if you would be upset at being tagged. Or her WiFi crashed just before she tagged you.

Your response to this is excessive and it would be a really silly thing to spoil a friendship over. Assume it was a mistake rather than a deliberate slight.

Either way, just make a comment underneath saying
’Thanks X for organising a fantastic weekend!’
And then get off social media, the adverse affects it can have on mental health are well known.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2023 14:55

I think it is highly probable that she didn't like what she looked like in the pictures with you in them and that's why she didn't post them, most people just want to look good on their own page. And it's obvious why she didn't tag you if you weren't in the picture.

I think most people have grown out of being embarrassed of hanging out with the "uncool" kids being secondary school, but i suppose it's possible that you've found an exception! Not that likely though.

Canisaysomething · 17/10/2023 14:58

Why are you on instagram? Genuine question. If not being tagged in some photos brings up a trauma, it doesn’t sound like social media is for you. Especially if you are considering posting bitchy comments.

Allthingsdecember · 17/10/2023 14:58

It’s not nice to feel left out, and I understand that you are especially sensitive to this because of past trauma. But please don’t put a sarky comment on the post.

She probably just missed you when tagging the post. It happens, even if the person is your best friend (I missed my sister, who is my best friend in the world, off of a WhatsApp group last week).

Despite you finding it upsetting, your friend has made a minor mistake and making her feel bad about it could damage your friendship.

Rachie1973 · 17/10/2023 15:00

Readytoplay · 17/10/2023 14:52

Sorry, for the late response. I was reading the full thread. For clarification, No: I wasn’t included in any of the pictures. Many pictures of myself in various group pics/single pictures were taken over the weekend. Yet, I am the only person who doesn’t feature on the post, I am disappointed about this, but oddly, it seams, the lack of tag upsets me more.
I am finding it difficult to believe that this was an oversight, I.e Anne not realising that I wasn’t in the post. But I do accept that their maybe reasons for this that are understandable.

  1. All the pictures with me looked crap (either myself, Anne or others looked unflattering, blinking, picture was blurry)
  2. This was a post for her Uni friends. They had met Anne’s Gf and other school friend before, hence why they were included . Whilst I find this hurtful, as I was still part of the weekend, I can comprehend this.
  3. She was trying to hide my presence as i know she was pressured in middle school for being my friend as it’s a social taboo for cool kids like Anne to be friends with special kids like me. This likely had an impact on her, and similar to me wants to protect herself and mental well-being for being criticised for who she associates with. This is a society issue but I appreciate her caring about her own well-being.

These are only some of the reasons I can think of. However I should point out that Anne is very much aware about my confidence issues about the acceptance of me within social groups.
I agree that a chat is probably the best cause of action and will talk to her tonight, as I have to go to her house latter anyway (for completely unrelated reasons). so will be diplomatic and understanding but honest on how I feel.

Edited

Still overthinking. You will eventually become a self fulfilling prophecy if you insist on ‘chats’ etc over perceived insults that likely don’t actually exist.

it’s exhausting dealing with constantly needy friends. Sorry x

Wheresthebeach · 17/10/2023 15:05

This is why I hate social media, its so damaging.
Just ignore.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 17/10/2023 15:06

Agree, it's exhausting dealing with people who you have to tiptoe around. That feeling of walking on eggshells, not knowing which minor action/inaction might set them off next...

OP - I get that there are reasons why you feel like this, but challenging your friends and having 'chats' with them about things that are likely to be just oversights won't do you any good in the long run.

I know some people on this thread have said they would post something sarky, but those aren't the kind of people who get invited out a second time.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 17/10/2023 15:08

Wheresthebeach · 17/10/2023 15:05

This is why I hate social media, its so damaging.
Just ignore.

Same. For people who read a lot into social media posts (like the OP) I think by far the healthiest thing is just to come off it. It's not real life!

In real life the OP was invited on the trip and had a lovely time. Now she's wound up because of an oversight on a post.

BoohooWoohoo · 17/10/2023 15:09

Theory 1 is very likely and not a slight on you - just bad luck. Have you posted your pics of the weekend for everyone to see ?

Blackcoffee1 · 17/10/2023 15:09

Okay, so. You don’t tag people who aren’t in a photo. So that’s why you aren’t tagged. Simple answer to that one.

As to why you aren’t IN any of the photos - do you like photos? Do you take them, instigate them, lean in and pose for a group shot? Or not?

I wouldn’t post a photo if one of my friends was awkwardly in the background/off to the side/maybe not posing and looking their best. As many people get upset by their appearance in “candid” shots. So that could be why.

If you did pose in photos and those photos still aren’t included, then I would be offended. But I don’t see why you don’t just ask your friend privately (not dramatic sarky comments on her public posts).

jenpil · 17/10/2023 15:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mumsnet is full of minor worries. Have you not noticed?

And so what? Don't like it, scroll on.....

Colourfulponderings · 17/10/2023 15:12

I hate being on social media, I don’t stop others posting me anymore but do ask them to remove any tags. Maybe she was being polite by not assuming you were okay with being tagged.

Ace56 · 17/10/2023 15:18

Ah ok, so it was your friend who actually posted and not one of her random friends.

YANBU OP, I would also find this very weird - surely not all the photos with you in them looked bad? The only other reason I can think of is she forgot you have Instagram which is why she didn’t tag you. Do you post much or like her posts or communicate with her on Instagram at all?

PosterBoy · 17/10/2023 15:18

I don't think you tag people not in a photo ... isn't that how it works? Bit vague but I assumed so. Doesn't it kind of match face to tag?

So when you posted your own pics of the weekend up, who did you tag? The whole group or just those in the specific picture?

CharlotteBog · 17/10/2023 15:21

Talk to your friend. You'll have a better idea why it happened then.

Are you sure you don't have your social media set so you CAN'T be tagged?

With your history and your fragile state I can see that this would be something you may well have done. Being tagged somewhere you don't want to be is FAR worse than not being tagged somewhere where you feel you should have.

I hope the issue is resolved. It's a shame that you are questioned the behaviour of your best friend.

BravoMyDear · 17/10/2023 15:22

That sounds horrible @Readytoplay, I’m not ND and I’d find it really upsetting if my best friend treated me like this. Can you message or speak to her privately and ask her why your pics aren’t included?

Sorry you’re getting a hard time from some on here. Some people are seriously
lacking in empathy.

Worried234 · 17/10/2023 15:23

You do sound a bit ridiculous, and very young. Get over yourself a bit.

CharlotteBog · 17/10/2023 15:23

Ah...sorry, so you're not actually IN any of the photos.

That's an entirely different situation.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 17/10/2023 15:25

Gruntsandgroans · 17/10/2023 12:35

Personally I wouldn't because they already knew what they were doing when the left you out of the photos. It's not like a public shaming will make them value you more. It will acheive nothing other than possibly having them laughing behind your back. I also wouldn't regard them as friends though and would distance myself from them going forward.

And you have concluded that it was intentional and they will laugh behind her back. If that was the case why did they even bother to invite her?

Lovemusic82 · 17/10/2023 15:25

Totally get how you are feeling (fellow ND person with anxiety). The only thing you can really do is message her and ask her to tag you? Tell her you would like to be tagged in the photos so your friends can see?

Maybe she thought you wouldn’t want to be tagged as you didn’t like how you looked in the photos? I hate being tagged in things and hate photos of myself (I usually have my eyes closed or am pulling a funny face.

Maybe it was just a mistake?

You could spend hours/days over thinking this or you could just ask her…..or just move on?

she invited you so she wanted you there.

Namerequired · 17/10/2023 15:25

Readytoplay · 17/10/2023 14:52

Sorry, for the late response. I was reading the full thread. For clarification, No: I wasn’t included in any of the pictures. Many pictures of myself in various group pics/single pictures were taken over the weekend. Yet, I am the only person who doesn’t feature on the post, I am disappointed about this, but oddly, it seams, the lack of tag upsets me more.
I am finding it difficult to believe that this was an oversight, I.e Anne not realising that I wasn’t in the post. But I do accept that their maybe reasons for this that are understandable.

  1. All the pictures with me looked crap (either myself, Anne or others looked unflattering, blinking, picture was blurry)
  2. This was a post for her Uni friends. They had met Anne’s Gf and other school friend before, hence why they were included . Whilst I find this hurtful, as I was still part of the weekend, I can comprehend this.
  3. She was trying to hide my presence as i know she was pressured in middle school for being my friend as it’s a social taboo for cool kids like Anne to be friends with special kids like me. This likely had an impact on her, and similar to me wants to protect herself and mental well-being for being criticised for who she associates with. This is a society issue but I appreciate her caring about her own well-being.

These are only some of the reasons I can think of. However I should point out that Anne is very much aware about my confidence issues about the acceptance of me within social groups.
I agree that a chat is probably the best cause of action and will talk to her tonight, as I have to go to her house latter anyway (for completely unrelated reasons). so will be diplomatic and understanding but honest on how I feel.

Edited

Well 3 is not at all understandable. Yous aren’t in school anymore yous are adults. She invited you so it’s very unlikely anyway. I hope you get an answer you are happy with later

Jewelspun · 17/10/2023 15:29

I never tag my children or step children because I know they are going to look at what I post.

It seems bizarre to be so upset about not being tagged!

Sconehenge · 17/10/2023 15:30

I think OPs problem is that she isn’t in any of the photos at all, not that she is there but just not tagged. I think her original OP was worded incorrectly based on the latest update. OP if I had been on a girls weekend and lots of photos put up but no photos that included me, I would feel really bad too and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel this way at all. I think if you were in the photos just no tag, I would assume this was just an admin error though.

But I think you should give your friend benefit of doubt and imagine that perhaps the photos of you weren’t really flattering and that’s why she didn’t put them up? I’ve been on group holidays where my selfies or whatever with a particular friend weren’t flattering so I don’t post those ones. So I think there is a chance that perhaps the photos that you were in just didn’t make the cut because either you or your friend didn’t look great in them. Only you know how many photos you were in!

A work around could be that you could ask your friend to send you some photos of the weekend and then you’ll be able to see for yourself if it makes sense that the ones you were in didn’t go up. If there is a lovely photo that you were in then you could maybe ask your friend why she didn’t share it? Or you could just take control and post it yourself and tag everyone in it!

TheMixedGirl · 17/10/2023 15:32

Gruntsandgroans · 17/10/2023 12:35

Personally I wouldn't because they already knew what they were doing when the left you out of the photos. It's not like a public shaming will make them value you more. It will acheive nothing other than possibly having them laughing behind your back. I also wouldn't regard them as friends though and would distance myself from them going forward.

They didn't leave her out of the photo she just wasn't tagged. If you aren't friends with whoever uploaded, then I don't think they can tag you. Just tag yourself.
I think making a big deal of this or even mentioning it is a bit much. They aren't even your friends. I'd let it go.

pinkstripeycat · 17/10/2023 15:34

Why do you need other people to value you? You hardly know most of them! Who cares? It’s about valuing yourself more