Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

😂😂😂

I'd just gently mention it - "Hey DS, I've noticed you don't reciprocate buying presents for sisters/gran/aunties/uncles... Just a heads up, I think you should start buying them something now you're a working adult or you could just let them know you aren't fussed about presents so they could stop buying for you...?". See what he says. No need to mention your own presents. It's not that you (or other relatives) want to give to him to receive, it's that it is polite to reciprocate gift buying OR have a conversation with the giver where you agree not to or limit presents. Or just switch to a secret santa for the family - then he can't get out of it (doesn't help for birthdays though!).

Both adult DDs buy us and each other birthday and Christmas gifts. They don’t buy for wider family and we don’t do adult gifts in the wider family after 21 anymore anyway.

I’d say to him “ I take it that you no longer want to receive gifts from others if you’re not reciprocating.” See what he says.

Me too! How on earth has this gone on for so long without anyone telling DS what a little shit he is?

I'd call him out directly. Ask him why he doesn't buy anyone presents. Tell him it's the thought that counts more than the amount spent. I'd check he's not in debt or really struggling with money. Once you've ruled that out I'd ask why he thinks it's acceptable to open and receive gifts from other people without making any effort in return. I'd ask him how he thinks that makes the people around him feel. If he still doesn't buy anything after that and you've ruled out poverty then I wouldn't buy him anything in future but say he's welcome to still visit during those occasions. I'd see it as doing his future partner a favour.

I have 3 very close people with Autism and they all have gotten me beautiful gifts over the years, one moved me to tears so much effort had been made, it’s not a study or anything but I’m my opinion that is a red herring.

And even if it was the case that he had ASD, it was a disservice not teaching him about giving and receiving, has he never felt the joy of giving a great gift?
I don’t think there is a better feeling.

He's 27, @Workawayxx , not 12.

Parenting fail, OP, and it's on you and your DH.

He should have been buying his sisters gifts at the very least from mid teens! How you've allowed this lazy, selfish, thoughtless behaviour to go unchallenged into adulthood is beyond me.

"DS, it's completely unacceptable that you want gifts from us, your sisters and the rest of the family without giving anything in return. If you want to opt out, fine, we'll all stop buying for you, but if not I expect decent, thoughtful gifts for the family from this point forward. I was ashamed of you last December and I think it's about time someone took you to task about it."

As for the "is he autistic" bollocks, my autistic son has always put great care and thought into gifts for his siblings. Being autistic does not equal being a dickhead.

Do it.

All the men in DH's family are like this. They genuinely aren't interested in Christmas or birthdays and don't want presents. I think they find the whole process embarrassing.

They aren't stingy though - if someone needs money or help they are right there on the spot. DH gave his sister a car once, DBIL often pays for family members holidays and DFIL was incredibly generous with time and money to everyone.

I'm guessing your son doesn't have this other sort of spontaneous generosity or there wouldn't be level of resentment about this? In that case I'd say have a chat with your son and say what has been suggested on here. But I think it will have to be very tactfully worded if you don't want it to come across as the rest of you have been giving with an expectation of receiving.

I'd take it further - as a family we have gradually given up on gifts for anyone but our own adult DC and little kids. Celebrations are focussed on spending time together with lovely food and drink and it has greatly eased the financial burden all round.

Another one who's amazed this hasn't been addressed before now. What a selfish, thoughtless man. Stop enabling him and call him out, for god's sake! Are you all afraid of him or something?

seriously op, why hasn’t this been raised with him before?! Have I missed something?

The OP hasn't mentioned anything to her DS about this present situation before so going from saying nothing to "you're a selfish brat, fucking sort it out" seems a bit unlikely.

What makes him so fucking special?

I have a man child relative like this. He recently didn't buy a card for a big, big milestone birthday for the relative that has looked after/enabled shit behaviour all his life. Such a low bar, I don't know who I blame more.

My DD is like this won't say thank you for any gifts or cards unless I bring the subject up . She's the same with everyone. A friend who is a psychologist said it's a narcissistic trait , they feel they are entitled to be given things but it's their choice if they don't choose to reciprocate.
My DDs attitude is " well I didn't ask you to get me anything " .

Fucking selfish
So now I don't bother .

Are you sure he wants to receive presents? ... My DH is like this and to be honest its so much easier. He also truly doesnt want to receive presents either. I buy some anyway but thats because I want to. He will sometimes buy me a "present" as and when he feels like it rather than conforming to societal expectations (Christmas/Bday etc). He'll always do something thoughtful for birthdays though - whether thats cooking my favourite meal (and I mean about 10 items including starters, desserts etc) or book a trip away. He always tells his family not to buy him anything (thinks everything is junk, he sometimes still insist or get us joint/home items). Are you sure its not something like that? We still buy as a couple for some people/occasions but I also find it all quite stressful. I would rather host a dinner - we're both the hosting/cooking type. Works for us.

Well next time you see him, casually bring up christmas and what you're perhaps planning to get for some people and casually ask him ' what do you think you'll get for gran/aunt/sister this year? I know she liked this xyz we saw the other day.' and see what he says.
If he still arrives empty handed, don't give him the thing you bought for him and then if he seems surprised, just say, oh I didn't think you were into doing gifts.
Eventually it'll sink in.

Or better yet get his sisters to tell him outright to grow up and start getting people gifts because he looks like a dick not buying for his gran/aunt etc etc

My adult brother was like this, until it was his 40th and his DP suggested some gifts for him. My sister and I said “oh, I thought he wasn’t bothered about gifts as he never buys for anyone else”. Needless to say since then they have bought lovely presents for everyone. For some reason, unbeknownst to anyone other people’s birthdays just weren’t on his radar.

Buying presents should be a joy not a chore.

Absolutely stop.

He certainly expects presents as he'll suggest things he'd like or come to the shops with me or his Gran to choose and try on a jacket or something

Oh dear, it seems you have raised and continuously enabled a selfish entitled asshat of a man. No wonder he’s only had one romantic partner and even that didn’t last long.

@notputtingupwithit

Why on earth haven't you (& everyone else!) had it out with him before now?!

He's a fully functioning adult, has no money issues & is happy to TAKE presents on every occasion from everyone in the family? That means he's a thoughtless, selfish, lazy, entitled twat who you are all enabling!!

I'd not only 'let his next birthday slide', I'd be calling him out on his awful behaviour right now - bluntly - VERY bluntly!

You don't need to say anything. No presents for him. If he says anything - you never get us anything.

He will have no come back.

The fact that he'll tell you what he wants bought for him but doesn't reciprocate in any way shows he has absolutely terrible manners. You need to nip this in the bud now. I'd love to hear what he says if you call him out (but it sounds like you won't).