Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

Because it would cause a massively uncomfortable situation with my SIL. Not really prepared for a family rift, especially at xmas.

Just say something g to your selfish dick son

I really don't understand why no-one has asked him why he thinks this is OK before. It would be quite passive aggressive just to stop without raising the issue with him first.

Sorry its just so rude I wouldn't be giving him anything and telling him before hand why .
Hopefully others will follow soon .

I would just talk to him. You're his mum, you'll never stop being his mum. He may not like buying gifts and just thinks, "Hey my sisters enjoy buying gifts and if they want to buy me gifts, that's on them. I don't like buying gifts so I don't see why I should have to." But in reality, exchanging gifts is a social skill - noticing what they like, picking out something in a similar budget range, knowing how to say "thank you" in a non-awkward way, etc. Just as he enjoys receiving gifts and will go to the shops and try on a jacket he likes, so his family members also enjoy receiving gifts. So being able to turn that situation around, mentally, is an important skill. So I would just tell him that it hurts his sisters when he doesn't bother to reciprocate gifts and it's not nice to hurt someone's feelings at Christmas or their birthday. If he doesn't know what his sisters like, you can give him some ideas. If he wants to ever have a wife and stay married then it behooves him to learn how to do this.

He obviously, understands the concept of exchanging presents at Christmas, but if he doesn't believe in it, then, he can't expect to be given presents nor should he accept them. Doing what he does is very bad manners.

My DB buys nothing for anyone. We stopped buying for him many years ago. His DD is 15 now and I don't even buy for her now either. He didn't buy for mine at the same age. He is as tight as a ducks arse.

I would have had words about this long before now.
I would tell him from now on you are all going to follow suit and not buy him any more presents the same as he does to you.
I wouldn’t feel the slightest bit guilty about that either.
Selfish entitled behaviour.

He’s not autistic he’s just a spoiled brat that has never been pulled up on his ungracious behaviour. Why on Earth haven’t you pulled him up in this when he’s been handing out lists and telling you what he wants? Why haven’t you been turning it around and asking if he needs suggestions for what to buy his grandma or sisters? Why haven’t you pulled him up each year and told him if he isn’t going to buy presents that’s fine, but he shouldn’t be expecting expensive gifts from everyone else. Why haven’t you told everyone to just spend under £5 on him? Why have you brought up this entitled, thoughtless man? You should be telling him now, at this time of year, that if he doesn’t want to participate in gifts this Christmas that’s fine, but he needs to let everyone know and not let them buy for him. Tell him this year he needs to go off and wash up or put the kettle on when people are exchanging gifts.

Why is it more of a worry that he learns that you give to receive at Xmas than it is to be be thoughtless and selfish! Generally Xmas IS about giving to receive. Exchanging presents with your loved ones. And not liking shopping isn’t an excuse. I know that a lot of women love Christmas and shopping much more than men, but it’s easy nowadays. He can buy everyone a decent box of chocs or something online in about a minute if he wanted. Sorry for the rant, but you’ve created this man and the situation. 😞

I have a friend that has allowed her son to do this. She giggles at it like it’s amusing. It infuriates his sisters. Her husband has always been the same. I remember being at their house one day when he looked at the calendar and said “oh it’s mum’s birthday tomorrow, have you got her anything?” (to his wife/my friend). I asked hadn’t he got anything and he said he was a bit busy and a man, so not very good at that sort of thing. I told him I thought it was a bit sad if he couldn’t even remember his own mother’s birthday!

I had an ex that got into the habit of letting me buy all his family’s Xmas presents. I told him he needed to buy things himself. I messaged his mum and sister saying I was trying to make a point and wasn’t in charge of buying their presents this year, so apologies if he failed. They were quite understanding, perhaps even amused. He ended up shopping at 8pm on Xmas eve in Asda!

And you've just allowed your son to get away with this for years??? Why??

I'm amazed you haven't said something to him. Or that his siblings haven't. What a tightwad.

No, I wouldn't do Xmas pressies for him but I'd talk to him about it first! What is it with people enabling crappy behaviour?!

He could have mild autism.
jesus wept! some rude entitled man doesn't buy his family's. gift and this is the excuse trotted out!!!!
Can we please stop this, it's insulting.
I'm mystified why OP is incapable of speaking to her own son and telling him he's a cheeky git.

Or

this year on Xmas day give him nothing and if he ask where his gifts are then say you thought he didn’t believe in gift giving 🤣🤣🤣 after he’d never bothered with it

Id love to see his face

And has no one ever said to him, 'Hey X, how come you never buy presents for anyone?'

Oh by the way, seeing as you dont buy people presents, we are leaving you out of the present situation altogether, alright? Shame but sure its one less for us all to buy now.
And leave it at that.
Id tell him whats happening. He knows what hes been doing and hes been getting away with it.
I wouldnt try to teach him, or explain to him, or do fuck all with a 27 yr old grown man.
Id just tell him, this is whats happening now, because of what you have done.
End of.
And if he says, ah you cant do that, laugh and say are you having a laugh, you cant seriously think its ok to take take take, grow up.
and walk away.
I have ZEZRO time for tolerating any bullshit or pussyfooting around total wankers.

He could, if he felt awkward on his last birthday about saying it then, have waited a couple of days and then sent everyone and email which said.

'I just wanted to say that whilst I liked all of the gifts you gave me for my birthday- thank you all very much- I would prefer if, from now on, you do not buy me gifts or send me cards on my birthday or at Christmas. I don't reciprocate and feel uncomfortable about just sitting accepting presents and cards when I don't bother getting anyone else anything. I really would prefer you not to buy me any more presents or give me cards . I am past the age where receiving either bothers me and I don't ever buy any for anyone else.'

Pretty clear.

I really don't understand as parents, why you haven't said anything to him after all this time. He's 27 not 17.
I would talk to him now and confirm there will be no more gifts as it's one sided and tell your daughters the same.
It's not about buying to receive, it's about your son being extremely selfish and entitled.

And, if he was my DS, I would be having a firm, private, conversation with him about his greedy, selfish, thoughtless behaviour.

He's had 27 years to understand the concept of reciprocal gift giving
He is the epitome of entitled and I can't understand why you haven't pulled him up on this before
Are you afraid of his reaction if you approach it with him?
I'd tell him right now not to expect presents from anyone at all( even you) as he obviously doesn't believe in exchanging gifts and at his age he's just selfish
No wonder he's got money!
I have adult sons and since they've been working they have all given lovely gifts as it's how I brought them up

When I was younger I remember panicking over money and just wanting to save- could it be that? Sit him down and tell him he might need to start budgeting for Christmas presents as you’ve noticed he gets presents from everyone but doesn’t seem to give any!

I've had similar with my eldest DD - I'm deeply regretful now that I didn't make it a conversation because now on birthdays and christmas, there's just this awful awkwardness because her siblings now refuse to buy for her or her kids.

My brother hasn’t acknowledged any of ours for over 17yrs. He moved abroad and I always made an effort to send cards/presents. Telephoned to wish him happy birthday/Christmas. The 1st 2 yrs we got e-cards since then nothing, not even a text. He’s the same with our dad and sister. This year I’ve decided not to bother for an either. It breaks my heart not to do it but I’m fed up with being ignored.

Yep

I wouldn't even tell him; just buy him nothing at Christmas. Hand him a card while everyone else exchanges gifts.

I hope your daughters have different expectations in their romantic relationships.

I think its an important life lesson for him to be challenged on his entitled behaviour in the expectation of gifts, and you might be the only one willing to do that, so yes I think you should speak to him about it and then stop buying him presents. A 27 year old man trying on jackets costing £100 and expecting his grandma to pay for it is the height of entitlement.