To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

[nle]

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

Sorry, but what the fuck are you doing?

OP, you 'love everything about him' except for the awful person that he actually is.

The way he treated you when he thought you were carrying his child tells you everything you need to know about this man & his family.

You deserve much much better.

He is not good enough for you.

You nearly left your child motherless over this fucktard and now you’re back with him? JFC there are no words.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

• What's to say this won't happen again.

If nothing else you cannot trust a man who publicly humiliated you at your lowest ebb. You know this. Surely?

Have you had any counselling for low self esteem as well as what's happened?

Jesus wept woman, find your self respect and some therapy, reach out for some victim support and DV support and leave him.
Arm yourself with whatever you need to move on, be comfortable single, and stop being involved with abusive twats.
have you heard of the freedom program?

With the best will in the world you should leave this man. You have a child to prioritise and your relationship with this man is anything but the nurturing warm loving relationship you want your child to experience and grow up to have when they are older.

In all sorts of ways it’s toxic. You have broken up repeatedly. He tried to manipulate you into getting rid of his child and persuaded his family to do likewise (that’s a red flag too, his family are awful). In response you withheld information about the baby, I sort of understand why, but it would have been more honest for you to say I’m going to keep the baby, you deal with it. He mocked you to your friends and did not help you when you were suicidal. Now he blames you for manipulating him. These are all red flags.

But the biggest red flag is that he doesn’t want children and is prepared to be really nasty about that. And you already have a child who is not his. How are you going to bring up your child with him if you continue this relationship.

I think, in all honesty, you should get some therapy. You seem to want punishment. Why is that? Were you treated badly in the past? Does feeling unhappy and insecure and unwanted feel familiar and comfortable to you?

Is there no one out there who is better for you and your child than this man? Look after yourself first, develop some confidence in yourself and you’ll see this relationship is no good for you or your child…

Oh OP, raise your bar!

This man is a twat. It's not the case that any man is better than no man. Stick him back under the rock he crawled out from under, concentrate on being a great mother to your son, work on your self-esteem. You will be so much happier than you are with this no-mark.

You need to value yourself more than this.

Are you fucking mad? Why on earth would you get back together with this absolute scumbag?

You have been on and off for a long time. "DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years."

When you split up with someone, there's a reason. To get back with that person is foolish.

You presumably weren't happy at how he abandoned you and how his family cut you off. Why would you put yourself back through that nonsense?

For the sake of your MH and your DC
Get rid of him now
Your MH is paramount especially as you have a child
His behaviour will drive you to the edge again as the relationship is so unstable

If someones words/actions caused you to want to commit suicide, then that is a person who you should never have contact with again.

Please open your eyes and realise that no one, even if you love them, is worth that kind of mental torture.

This also - and the longer you stay the longer you let him kill the you inside off - he will take every last bit of you till you don't even know yourself. Get away, completely, he is like an addiction- you need to mend yourself and it has to mean that he is excluded completely from your life.

Op, if this man was offered to me along with a billion dollars, the promise of world peace and a cure for all cancers, I still wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Please cut him out of your life completely before you find yourself staring at the abyss again which I can promise you will happen if you stay with him.

This sounds so very toxic OP. The man sounds emotionally abusive and controlling, and you deserve to be with someone who mutually respects your feelings.

Please do the best thing for yourself and dump this arsehole.
Do some reading on overcoming trauma bonds.
Focus all your energy and time on yourself and your child.

Resentment is festering it will only grow and you'll lose more years of your life to this man.

You sound as bad as each other

You've already got better than him, you've got a child for goodness sake.

Concentrate on your DC and forget about relationships for a long long while.

Nothing you describe here is in any way healthy.

Of course he goes on about how much he loves you. But he's done that before, hasn't he? And then he turned on you as soon as shit hit the fan.
This is a classic abusive relationship - abuse peppered in with declarations of love to keep the victim close and involved. Please seek support from a woman's shelter.

Being alone would definitely be better than being with this abusive man, @nle.

But I absolutely understand the fear of being alone, so my advice to you would be to bin this man immediately, and block him and his toxic family, and then spend some time working on yourself - building up your self esteem, so that you have, and enforce, higher standards from the future man in your life, and learning to love yourself so that you know you deserve so much better than this man.

I honestly think that spending some time without a man in your life would be good for you - you would learn that you can be alone and be happy, and that would give you confidence when you do get into another relationship. If you know, in your heart of hearts, that you would be fine alone, you won't feel that you have to put up with this sort of shit from the man in your life, just to keep him in your life.

Go out - make new friends, find some hobbies or interests, do an OU degree - whatever makes YOU happy and makes you feel worthwhile - because you ARE so worthwhile, I promise you.

This man abandoned you when you needed him the very most. Then he and his family went on to vilify you, belittle you, treat you like utter shit. He then utterly humiliated you, in front of his friends, whilst you were going through your darkest hour. He’s hasn’t apologised for any of this, because a performative “sorry” does not count. What else do you need to be convinced that this a bad relationship? What about your poor son? Even though they don’t spend any time together you don’t think all of this will not affect him?

he could've been the one.

But he's not so move on.

You nearly died because of this man. You tried to take your own life and leave your child alone without you. This makes me feel so sad for you. And sad for your child.

What are you doing? Im hoping you’ve posted knowing everyone will be horrified you are with him.

what are you getting out of this shit show?

You must get therapy. I don't know how hard or expensive this is in Britain, but you must prioritize it over most things, except, of course, your child. Please.

Don’t waste your time