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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

242 replies

vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:00

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:01

Sorry I’ve just realised I’ve used inheritance in the title and gifted money in the post - it’s basically the maturation of a trust fund from a recent birthday. So not quite inheritance, not quite a gift. I made that confusing.

OP posts:
Moredarkchocolateplease · 16/10/2023 21:01

That's bonkers. Money is money! I wouldn't care how it was being paid for.

SecondUsername4me · 16/10/2023 21:04

Surely you did save it though, as when you got it given on your birthday you retained it (saved it) to use to pay for the holiday?

theduchessofspork · 16/10/2023 21:04

It depends if you had some joint plans for that money.

If it wasn’t earmarked for anything then it’s fine. It sounds like you have separate finances anyway. (Or as separate as they can be within a marriage.

I’m guessing he expected you would do something else with it??

SecondUsername4me · 16/10/2023 21:04

Was the gifted money from him?

Ffsnotaconference · 16/10/2023 21:07

I would feel really weird if Dp was telling me he was saving for something, then turned round and said that wasn’t true and I was going to use some money had had received.

Where it comes from isn’t important, but I would feel a bit weird if he had led me to believe he was saving when he wasn’t.

and also would depend on any conversations around the trust funds. If dp had said he was using it for one thing, but dipping into it because he hadn’t saved as planned I would be wondering what was going tbh.

plumtreebroke · 16/10/2023 21:08

Well you could have spent the gifted money and then been able to save an equivalent amount from your income. How does he know which money you spent and which you saved. It's all your money.

tinkerbellvspredator · 16/10/2023 21:08

Depends whether you both view money as family money / joint pot? If you do then by not saving from your salary you've had more disposable cash to spend on yourself than your partner has.

If you have separate finances then it makes no difference and it's your choice.

GOODCAT · 16/10/2023 21:09

Is he annoyed that he has saved it and had fewer personal spends while you have carried out as before? Or is it more that he has views on how that gift to you was special and should be kept back to help your financial future? Or something else altogether?

Original poster
vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:09

He didn’t expect I would do anything else with it apart from keep it in the investment.

I suppose to be totally transparent there’s some backstory here - I’m a spender but I’m an only child from wealthy parents, one of whom died when I was young, so I have always been “bailed out” and had money coming to me for things. He’s the child of a single mother and literally grew up with nothing. It makes savings stuff complicated - he thinks I’m spoiled and can’t save money and I think he’s jealous with a chip on his shoulder. I have on one previous occasion failed to save what I had claimed I would for a very big purchase and was given some of the rest of the money by my surviving parent, and he covered the rest of my shortfall of the half. But to be very clear - I’m not in debt, I earn my own salary (slightly more than him) and we pay 50/50 on everything.

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 21:10

Money is money.

But.... you agreed to save for it. And you didn't. It is because you're bad at saving? Are you bad at budgeting generally? This isn't about the money for this specific holiday, it sounds like he's annoyed because you don't/won't save.

Original poster
vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:10

GOODCAT · 16/10/2023 21:09

Is he annoyed that he has saved it and had fewer personal spends while you have carried out as before? Or is it more that he has views on how that gift to you was special and should be kept back to help your financial future? Or something else altogether?

This is it, the first one. But he lives very frugally naturally and doesn’t like buying clothes etc. or have expensive hobbies like I do.

OP posts:
Lougle · 16/10/2023 21:10

I guess if I had sacrificed my standard of living to save my share and a DP just plucked it out of savings, when we both agreed to save for it over time, it would feel a bit jarring.

Changingplace · 16/10/2023 21:11

I don’t see the issue tbh, you said you’d have the money to put towards your share of the holiday and you have.

Unless the money you’re using is earmarked for something else you now can’t pay for I don’t see what the problem is.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 21:12

I’m a spender

And here we have the crux of it. Sounds like he is not comfortable with your spendthrift approach.

...but I’m an only child from wealthy parents

And? Money can soon be burnt through if you're unable to live within your means, which it sounds like you are.

Albioncreed · 16/10/2023 21:14

theres something about the wording on the OP which makes me think this is a reverse

Original poster
vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:15

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist I do live within my means though. That’s the discrepancy - he would like me to live within smaller means.

OP posts:
Original poster
vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:15

Albioncreed · 16/10/2023 21:14

theres something about the wording on the OP which makes me think this is a reverse

Absolutely not a reverse, I promise. I wouldn’t do one of those. Sorry if it comes across that way. Which wording?

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 21:16

I'm not sure you recognise what he's seeing when you keep doing this. He's looking into your future, and seeing a life where you are never, ever able to save. Your parent won't always be there to bail you out, and if you never save you will continue to burn through money with your expensive hobbies etc. That isn't a good quality in a life partner.

Khvdrt · 16/10/2023 21:17

There’s a lack of honesty here that would bother me. Also DH and I have fairly separate money but if I had money come to me in the way you describe I’d use it to pay towards our holiday as a whole and then we each pay more rather than watch him save money and use it for my part

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 21:17

vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:15

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist I do live within my means though. That’s the discrepancy - he would like me to live within smaller means.

If you don't save, then no, you don't live within your means. Unless you are on the bones of your arse (which you aren't) you should be saving as well as spending.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 16/10/2023 21:17

Well yes, you live within 'means' but not really 'your means' if you're constantly getting bailed out or gifted money. But that's not your DH's problem. I suspect he's upset about this particular situation because you said you would save, but actually you've spent and then got yet another bail-out from another source.

I think that would probably upset me, I have the same background as him. And I'm not sure if it's entirely rational - what I do know is that different attitudes towards money can have a really serious impact on a relationship.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 16/10/2023 21:19

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 21:16

I'm not sure you recognise what he's seeing when you keep doing this. He's looking into your future, and seeing a life where you are never, ever able to save. Your parent won't always be there to bail you out, and if you never save you will continue to burn through money with your expensive hobbies etc. That isn't a good quality in a life partner.

Yes, that exactly is what I failed to articulate in my post.

Albioncreed · 16/10/2023 21:20

vibecheck · 16/10/2023 21:15

Absolutely not a reverse, I promise. I wouldn’t do one of those. Sorry if it comes across that way. Which wording?

Show quote history

This bit here “ I have on one previous occasion failed to save what I had claimed I would for a very big purchase and was given some of the rest of the money by my surviving parent, and he covered the rest of my shortfall of the half”.

most OPs wouldn’t admit to this (they like to show themselves in the best light)

titchy · 16/10/2023 21:22

If you're relying on trust funds and your remaining parent bailing you out when you didn't bother to save what you'd agreed, I can see why he thinks you're a spoilt brat!