To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

[vibecheck]

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

Well as a married couple you're not really living equally so I can see why that would be fractious.

If you were paying for him from savings too then that wouldn't be so bad.

If this was a husband making his wife safe whilst he pulled it out of his own savings you get destroyed on here.

Appreciate it's a trust fund but your behaviour is creating a lack of trust between you. And you have form, so yeah I'd be pissed off too.

@Albioncreed ha - fair enough! I felt I had been too harsh on my husband’s POV in my initial post. I realised if he read this he would say that incident was informing his reaction to this one. It felt relevant. I’m very open about my flaws, that’s never been an issue for me.

What @TarantinoIsAMisogynist says. If you grow up without a solid financial support under your feet, it leaves a mark - you know that as you've mentioned your contrasting choldhoods.

You told him you were saving, but you weren't. Fundamentally he's feeling he can't trust you to care about his feelings about money and security. That's a very big deal. He may choose to be frugal, but that's a choice that comes out of a very deep place, and quite a painful one. You aren't paying attention to that pain.

I grew up with one parent who was completely untrustworthy with money, and lied about it. We had an odd life, which looked quite prosperous from some angles, but it was built on sand, and collapsed finally when I was 16. The sense of helplessness and being at the mercy of implacable forces you don't understand, and seeing your parents frightened and broke, is very hard. My brother, sister and I all have very different approaches to money but we've all been affected by it. We've all needed therapy.

I would just say, be honest. If you don't think you can save, say so. If you make a financial goal or agreement, to him that is every bit as important as fidelity might be to others; take it seriously.

He thought you'd agreed to save from money you earned fair and square for the trip. Because that is what you told him you would do.

But at the end, more money just fell into your lap, which meant you still don't have any noticeable experience of wanting something enough to work for it and save for it. He's earned his part of the holiday, you just took another few prunings from the magic money tree.

This is your DH? I think it's really weird that you're saving separately for a holiday, but actually you're not saving and you've used other money - that could have been used to benefit the family - without discussing it first.

I can see why he's upset - to me it looks like you're not a financial partnership. You spend, while he saves.

But you are spoiled.
It seems you don’t understand the value of money.
Often an inheritance is used to significantly make your life easier, or to create a safety net.
If I were him, I would see you using the money in that way as burning up your safety net, and blowing it on an ( unnecessary) good time.

It means that you will gradually deplete resources until you have nothing left.

I would not feel safe being married to you.

Just to be super clear - I have offered to pay for things from my inheritance and other money for us both on lots of occasions. I have tried to pool our savings and suggested lots of ways of doing this. It’s my husband who refuses and wants to stay 50/50.

I personally believe this attitude from him
is what causes a lot of my spending - I don’t need to save for me, and he doesn’t want us to have fully joint money, so I don’t see the point. I’ve tried to have this conversation with him.

Actually the title of your post says it all OP... you dont see the difference between saving for something yourself, or being given money for nothing.

So instead of having the nest egg plus a holiday, you have a holiday and no nest egg. It sounds like he's constantly trying to prepare for your future by saving, and you're living the life of riley, not caring for tomorrow, maybe assuming your parents, and eventually he, will take care of the adulting.

It's quite unattractive actually if you're unable to restrain yourself to save any money, no one wants to be the only sensible one in a partnership. if you're acting like a child then you're forcing him into that role.

He is not the cause of your spending - you need to take accountability for yourself. It's sounds though like you've never had to. I would imagine his issue is with your attitude, it seems dishonest, spoilt and entitled, I would struggle with it as well. I can see why he wants to keep his money separate tbh.

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable. The question is how much you spend on average and if you're always dipping into it? The other part is how much you earn compared to him. I couldn't live on my salary if it was all I had, it's that bad. Luckily, I have money saved and inheritance which contributes to my overall income.

@Dotcheck I respect your point of view a lot. But without going into details this isn’t an issue for me. I’m not burning through a safety net. I have a safety net, we have a joint safety net, I have various things coming down the line. I think what annoys me about my husband sometimes is that he talks as though none of this is the case when he knows it is.

No, I really don’t. Apart from an internal feeling, there is no difference. Money is money no matter where it comes from - a lottery win, savings, gambling, inheritance. I have saved money in the past and felt no different about it to the money I have been given.

But that safety net is yours, is it not? So if you were to leave the marriage tomorrow, all the things that are coming 'down the line' would (rightfully) go with you, and whatever you'd jointly created would be split, but this could of course have been bigger and something you'd created together if you shared the same attitude to savings.

Look, I'm not saying either of you are right or wrong, but you are different. He sees joint savings as a way of building financial security and a sign that you're both 'in it' for the long term. The stakes are lower for you as you will always be provided for. He may not even be aware of this by the way! Having a financially precarious start in life can affect you in some really odd ways.

I’d be annoyed you said you’d save and chose not to.
You’d agreed to save and you didn’t make the effort. You effectively lied/didn’t keep a promise.
And what if the money you used hadn’t have come into fruition?

@NutellaEllaElla I think this is a bit how my husband feels, this is a helpful assessment! I just think it’s completely unreasonable. I can’t really understand why someone would feel like that, I know I wouldn’t.

But again just to be clear - in this case I have a holiday and most of the money I was recently given, just less the cost of the holiday.

@LaviniasBigBloomers this is really helpful, thank you.

He's hardly forcing your hand onto the keyboard to buy clothes, shoes, handbags, pressing Starbucks into your hand or dragging you bodily into salons, gyms, jewellers, car showrooms or IKEA now, is he?

You are making the decision to spunk money (no wonder he doesn't want to blend finances - you'd burn through that as well) on the assumption that your parents, both living and deceased, will come through and bail you out as though you've spent your lunch money on fifteen bags of Haribo and a copy of Cosmo Teen and started complaining you're hungry on Wednesday at break.

You're behaving like a child - including blaming him for you behaving as though he's a boring, mean and stingy Dad when you can always get your own way by sounding all sad in front of your actual parent.

The dilemma posed in your OP is a complete red herring. The choice isn’t between using savings and using inheritance money. It’s between spending and saving.

In a couple, attitude towards money is just as important as attitude towards sex. There’s no right or wrong. There’s just compatible and incompatible. You’re not compatible. Some people think like you. Some people think like your DH.

Really where you’re being U is (1) in resting on your laurels (2) being so disdainful of someone who knows penury or hardship when you don’t. You sound like you sick and dive because you know there will always be more. That’s an EXTREMELY unattractive quality in a person.

Maybe you should go on Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You To Be Rich podcast!!!

Or…get your partner to listen to some of the episodes on people who are still
living with a scarcity mindset.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If you’re both paying 50/50 for a holiday it really doesn’t matter where your share comes from. If you have joint finances then that’s different but it sounds like he wants to control how you save and spend even though it’s separate which isn’t on in my opinion.

So you have a history of not saving for a “significant” purchase and he had to bail you out? No wonder he’s pissed off with you. You broke his trust and you still haven’t proved to him that you can save for a joint purchase.

You say you’ve got money “coming down the line” but what if something happens and you don’t get that money? Unless it’s in your bank account now you shouldn’t be relying on it.

Show your H you can save so he can stop worrying about him having to bail you out again.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to merge finances, you'd quickly spend his savings too. Due to your "fortunate" upbringing you don't seem to have the concept of the value of money.

I suspect he's upset about this particular situation because you said you would save, but actually you've spent and then got yet another bail-out from another source
I agree with this.

Different attitudes to money is often a major contributor in relationships ending. You're not wrong in your outlook and he isn't wrong in his. You don't sound financially compatible though.

I suspect that part of the problem is that this is yet another situation where you've not saved because some money will appear from somewhere, and then there's some dishonesty as well because he was under the impression you were saving but you haven't.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday Really where you’re being U is (1) in resting on your laurels (2) being so disdainful of someone who knows penury or hardship when you don’t. You sound like you sick and dive because you know there will always be more. That’s an EXTREMELY unattractive quality in a person.

Agree with this!

My dh had money issues when we first got together. He did prove to me he’s changed drastically, if he hadn’t I’d have been off!