To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

[vibecheck]

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

Also if your DH behaved like it was equally his money that could also be quite unappealing.

My DPs are very generous and have paid for DS to have private education and give us various lump sums. It all goes into the joint account and sometimes I feel DH is a little grabby in his expectations - it's hard to describe.

Or perhaps using windfall triggers memories of an impoverished childhood when a small windfall would be used up on a takeaway rather than saved for something. When living hand to mouth it is not uncommon (or even unreasonable) to use little cash 'wins' for a bit of instant enjoyment.

Using windfall money on something frivolous like a holiday may trigger memories of financial insecurity. Fun today but no school shoes tomorrow.

Counselling for both might help get to the bottom of why DH is uncomfortable with the use of family wealth. And also why OP is so comfortable with it.

At the moment it seems like OP and her DH don't understand each other.

All good points GnomeDePlume

They're on such different pages and there doesn't seem to be much common ground on financial outlook or values at the moment.

Agreed. He’s thinking about the future and you don’t seem dependable- he’ll be concerned about how you’ll manage going forward.

Whether it's done above board or not, you still take money from your parent/trust. You may have paid back the £3k, many ppl don't have someone to pick up the slack cos we can't be arsed saving.
Be a bit understanding of your DH instead of blundering on expecting him to nod and agree, you can't be that oblivious to his feelings surely.

He married a woman that does have exactly that. It doesn’t matter that other people don’t because that isn’t her situation, or indeed his.

Understanding should go in both directions.

I suppose it depends on size of trust fund if it's a million earning 5% it is providing 50,000 income without diminshing capital if you are taking 10,000 of it you are adding 40,000 to your million pot.
OP I think you and Dh need to talk more about money and be more transparent just say you are using income not that you are saving. just be honest and say I'm pasying my share with dividend income

She bought their house - which he could potentially walk away with 50% of. She’s shown extraordinary trust in him.

This is really interesting as this was something that gave me a lot of trust in my husband when we first were dating, that he was never in any way grabby or had expectations. It’s one of the things my parent always says about him and one of the reasons they’ve given us money and been very happy with my marriage and love him so much - because he’s so uninterested in my money and I think they always worried I could end up with a real tosser. But at this point it’s starting to feel like this attitude is holding both of us back in life. I guess this is what many have said, that it’s hard when you marry someone from a very different background, and it’s hard for both of us.

Another way of looking at it OP is that you are in a very fortunate position of having parents who could offer very generous financial assistance for life for you and you've met a man who isn't a cocklodging tosser.

It's interesting that you think it's his attitude that's holding you both back in life. That suggests that your default position is still going to remain why save or have joint goals when I can just take it out the investments with a focus on spending all the time.

His reserved attitude to spending is not something that's going to hold you both back. It could be the end of you as a couple if you value your lifelong approach to spending, aversion to saving anything, and see him as a problem to be fixed.

If you want this relationship to last long term then you both need to get on the same page with finances, which will probably mean changes on both sides. He might need to loosen up a bit, but you are also going to have to get a handle on the value of money.

The problem with his attitude is that OP has no need to live as he wants her to, he’s asking her to do so because he wants her to conform to thus values. She has the money, and pretending she doesn’t for the sake of, what, a moral position? isn’t going to change this fact.

He seems to want them to live as if the money isn’t there and available to her to use in this way (and available to use in this way without sacrificing their financial security), but it is. His position isn’t better than hers, and just as people are saying he shouldn’t have to change, the onus isn’t on her to either. His problem with it is just that - his problem, and sometimes people can have a problem with what you do even if you’re doing nothing wrong.

OP: as much as cocklodging can quickly become an issue, so can a partner that has a chip on their shoulder about their partner having money. Imo, based on what you’ve said, he doesn’t see it as two people having different but equally valid perspectives, he thinks he’s right and you’re wrong, and he expects you to adapt to him and learn the ‘correct’ way to be.

Well exactly. Really the financially sensible thing for the OP would have been to not marry him. She was very young (how much under 25? And how much older is he DH?) when she got married, if I was her parent I would have told her there was no rush. And I find it quite interesting that he accepted an asset like a house but is quibbling over a holiday.

If he wanted to be independent (which is a perfectly reasonable desire) he could have not got married and kept finances separate or he could have refused to be on the deeds for the house (or bought his own house separately using a mortgage). He could then have accepted luxuries like meals out or holidays. Then he wouldn't have been dependent on the OP for financial security but he could have graciously accepted her spending her money on him to treat him and provide a nice standard of life.

This situation is so interesting to me, because the dynamic between me and my EXDP was so similar, only the money I had was all earned not from a trust.

Whenever we agreed to save for something, and I hadn't, I would generally just use that month's salary, as I always had significant disposable. Most of my money went on the house.

My EXDP also refused to join finances "because he thought I would spend all his money", yet I earned more than double his salary; at that point he was on a salary of £50k while I was on £125k. I'd never asked him for a penny, and he'd never had to bail me out.

My EXDP also came from a scarcity background from when he was growing up, and while I'd never been rich growing up, a solid career which meant I'd been earning £50k from the age of 25, and increasing from then so I always had money (and always spent it).

If you want the marriage to succeed you and your DH need to somehow get on the same page, not necessarily his or yours but a new page, and financial counselling is a must otherwise you'll find it hard to understand each other's perspective.

I think the spendthrift accusations and predictions of impending doom are a bit hysterical, OP sounds very well off and yet still works. Hardly the idle rich. Loads of people on here have help from their families, financially or something like childcare which saves money, just because the amounts are higher scaled up for OPs wealth doesn't make this any different imo.

However OP you asked what is the difference between inheritance and earned income. I think there is a difference. Saying "it's only money" is the privilege of the very well off - for most people it isn't "just" money, it can be security, comfort, ability to support family, pride, self respect and a million other things. Of course its all manufactured in an inorganic capitalist world - but we live in that world!

I would appreciate a lump sum that my husband worked for and saved more than one he had received from family. The earned sum would represent sacrifice, hard work, commitment - a tangible proof of his choosing me/our shared goals over something else. And yes it may seem silly to you as the money is there, but it seems it was important to him.

It doesn't sound true that he has completely ignore your financial wishes - he has accepted you've purchased a house presumably beyond his means, and that he benefits from your wealth. He may struggle with that - and honestly, would you want him happily and immediately diving in and living an easy life on your money? But maybe this holiday was his idea od you showing that you can see it from his side and understand his values

It’s an interesting one.

I am lucky to come from an extremely wealthy family and my parents have, and continue to, pass money to me and my sibling even tho neither of us need it but because it has to come down the line and it may as well be now. My husbands family is not at all poor in real terms but is compared to mine.

DH would never make any comment and the bulk goes towards creating more investment streams, probably for when we retire along with some for school fees but not enough to make us lazy (we run our own business). When I die all that family money goes straight to our children as we make more than enough to have a strong financial position anyway and as I say, we need to be self sufficient.

I think there’s a morality attached to money for a lot of people, but this doesn’t hold true for all.

OP’s lived reality is different to her husband’s, and her values are shaped by different experiences to his. Those things listed, and the values attached to struggling, people often find value in because they have no other choice than to struggle. It’s finding meaning in things you have no other choice than to go through. OP does have a choice though, and she’s never necessarily going to perceive the same value from experiencing life as her husband did/does. And that’s okay.

His way isn’t inherently ‘better’, and he shouldn’t expect her to jump through hoops she doesn’t need to in order to satisfy his own beliefs as to ‘the right way’. He wants her to conform to his way and adopt his viewpoints, and he’s no more right to ask that of her than she is to ask that of him. Understanding someone doesn’t mean you have to change to suit them, and her not changing isn’t more unreasonable than him expecting her to. The things he has accepted, the house for example, have directly benefited him. That’s something he may struggle with, but instead of putting the onus for that on her, needs to come to terms with OP having a different reality. He married her knowing this, after all.

Probably best not to lie or lie by ommission and address the financial concerns head-on and deal with the consequences.
Neither is right and wrong in their approach of spending or saving. It's yours to do with what you want.