To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

[vibecheck]

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

@minipie as I’ve said repeatedly, this is not my attitude at all. I would have used the money to pay for the holiday outright. In my ideal world the money would be ours full stop. It’s my husband who doesn’t want to share our money like that.

@titchy I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to share in the affluence of their partner - by keeping things totally separate, there will always be a mismatch in their financial status going forward, and from that will come friction! But I do wonder if it would be better if the OP and her husband pooled their finances from the root, as this sort of "I'll pay for that" gesture is definitely different as an experience for the husband compared with "let's pay for that out of the shared pot we both put everything in"...

Based on what the OP has said, at least, it sounds like the husband is the one who is resistant to that, so I'm not sure it's entirely the OP's fault that the conditions are laid for issues like this one to arise.

@vibecheck What happens when there's none of your buffer money left, because you've spent it all, and you have to knuckle down and save though? Can you do it? Can he rely on you?

I actually think that you are fundamentally incompatible OP. You don't understand his need to save, and he clearly isn't comfortable relying on your unearned income, which is why he won't agree to having joint finances. I don't actually think either of you are wrong, but I think as time goes by, he is more and more likely to resent the fact that you've always been able to live a life of luxury, and don't understand what it is to save or struggle to pay for anything. Short of giving away all the money you have behind you, perhaps to your children if you have any, I don't think you'll ever be financial equals, and neither of you understands what makes the other one tick. Sounds like you should have hooked up with someone of your own background, and so should he. In the past rich and poor didn't mix and this is the reason. It's a bit like problems that occur in mixed race relationships, where one doesn't understand the way the other feels about things, or problems come about through the parents, but basically it all comes down to differences in their backgrounds.

Other than that OP, you might have been happier (for a while) if you'd hooked up with a male version of a gold digger, but long term that wouldn't have worked out either, as ultimately you'd have ended up feeling used, and asking yourself whether he loved you for the person you are, or for your money.

If you don't already have children, in your shoes I'd be giving this miss match in your relationship some very serious thought, before having them, as I just can't see a long term future in it. Sorry if that's too blunt for you, but just giving my personal thoughts.

@TedMullins I find it quite astonishing to be honest that you really can’t fathom that most people’s money comes from what they earn, and that’s where it begins and ends, and financial security is entirely created by those earnings. Yes, some people get help and monetary gifts but your situation sounds unusual to have that much constant support.

Where have I implied that I can’t fathom that? I understand that completely, and I understand that my husband grew up in that situation and that he always expected to be someone who only had his own earnings to creat financial security. But he’s not actually in that situation now - he’s married to me, who earns her own money and works hard but who also has independent wealth and will have more of it in the years to come. Legally as my husband he now has that too.

I'd be pissed off if my DH did this

Firstly you lied to him. You told him you were saving when you weren't, and you must have kept that lie going for a reasonable amount of time.e

He has been making sacrifices thinking you were doing the same and you weren't. You were just spending all the money you usually do and then using existing savings to pay your share, not his.

If he already thinks your bad with money, has asked you to save for it and then you haven't managed to do that then I can completely understand why he's annoyed

I guess the key question is, why didn't you tell him from the outset this was your plan? Why have you been leading him to believe you are saving when you haven't been?

Also you say you earn only slightly more than him, he is much more frugal generally than you. How come you have so much more money? Presumably it's been at various points gifted and invested by your parents?

Are you ensuring the same provisions for your children?

he’s married to me, who earns her own money and works hard but who also has independent wealth and will have more of it in the years to come. Legally as my husband he now has that too.

Society expects a man to ‘provide’ - it can be very deep-seated. What people are picking up on is that whilst you say you understand you don’t seem to empathise with him. I do think counselling would be enormously beneficial to you both.

@CarPour Money comes from provisions made for me by a deceased parent including inheritances, investments, trusts and private pensions alongside gifts at various points from my surviving parent. My parents had a fair amount of money and we’re lucky in terms of investments and choices they made, and I’m an only child. We’re not planning on children so no thoughts at the moment about where things go next.

And why didn't you tell him that was where the money was coming from?

With love, you are a spoiled brat.

Because I knew he’d disapprove and want me to keep all of that money in the investment it’s in. And because, as everyone else has said, I think I knew he wanted me to save for the moral fibre reason, and I wanted to take the easy route.

I do know, but I also know I’ve been extremely lucky. And I am still a productive member of society, I promise. I work hard and I’m not lazy and I am generally a good, generous person.

Because I knew he’d disapprove and want me to keep all of that money in the investment it’s in. And because, as everyone else has said, I think I knew he wanted me to save for the moral fibre reason, and I wanted to take the easy route.
Can you not see why this is a huge red flag though?

You'd rather lie to your DH so you can maintain a high spend lifestyle.

The idea that you'd prefer dishonesty to your spouse because you like frittering money away and don't want to say no to some things is concerning.

So basically, you had an investment which you cashed in instead of leaving it invested, and you spent some of the money on a holiday which you had been planning to save for from your salary? And you have a history of needing to be bailed out by your parents because you can't budget?
I can see why he is worried.

@LolaSmiles I do understand there are red flags about the way I spend my money, but I did tell my husband where my half was coming from and I hadn’t lied to him during the saving period, we just didn’t talk about it. I didn’t realise it would be a dealbreaker for the holiday or I would have possibly done something different. It’s surprised me what a big reaction he’s had.

. I have on one previous occasion failed to save what I had claimed I would for a very big purchase and was given some of the rest of the money by my surviving parent, and he covered the rest of my shortfall of the half.

So he went without to pay for his share plus half your share, while you suffered no challenge to save up whatsoever?

It may be that he doesn’t feel safe or secure if he never sees you managing, budgeting, saving. It is a luxury to have a wealthy background but maybe he sees it as risky to rely on it or take it for granted. He works hard and saves for your life together, while watching you take it for granted.

I think the term 'living within my means', for most people, would mean You earn enough to pay what needs paying for, saving for etc bills, essentials and hopefully some luxuries now and again, without having to rely on bail outs from parents, or accessing a trust find.

You do not live within your means at all if others pay/give you hand outs , and I'm bloody surprised you think you do!

You did lie though.
You deliberately lied by omission because, as you said, you knew he would disapprove and you'd rather have an easy option.

His concern probably comes from the fact this is an ongoing pattern of behaviour and there's dishonesty and deception brought in too.

In his position I'd be rethinking the relationship. I'd probably be thinking "here's a spouse I would love to spend the rest of my life with, we might have children one day, aren't we fortunate to have our marital finances as they are? With careful stewarding we can have a fantastic life and ensure that we set future children up with a leg up I could only have dreamt of. But actually my spouse can't even be honest with me, money burns a hole in her pocket, and she's already thinking about when her next pot of money comes through. She can't even save for a joint holiday so she's spent all her money and has taken money out of more savings because she'd rather go shopping. At this rate she is likely to fritter away any money she has and when those pots run out I'll be stuck with someone who has no financial restraint and our future kids will get almost nothing to help. Maybe we aren't compatible because I don't want to spend my whole marriage wondering what spending my spouse is keeping secret"

I'm not saying he definitely feels that way, but in his shoes that's how I would be feeling

@vibecheck You very definitely need to have a proper chat about finances. You need to set out all your wealth/savings/investments and have ideally a shared opinion or at the least a shared understanding / awareness of how you plan to use those, along with a shared view on how you spend your earnings. This goes for his savings too.

If he was assuming/hoping you would keep that investment saved, and you had no intention of doing so - well, neither is right nor wrong, but you hadn't got on the same page about it, so you both assumed different things, and are now upset with each other based on private assumptions! That can't continue. It's a classic dynamic that causes issues in relationships about all kinds of things big and small. It's a cliche, but communication, lots of it, before, during and after the fact is so important!

(Unless you had actively told him you were going to continue to hold that fund as an investment and then went against this in your actions - but it doesn't sound like it.)

Maybe the cracks are beginning to show now that you've been together a while OP? Couples who are fundamentally incompatible, usually manage to gloss over their differences for a while, but as time passes and the relationship begins to get stale, that's when the things that previously were brushed under the carpet in the rosy glow of love, begin to irk, and ultimately lead to quarrels and the breakdown of the relationship.

For example, how many people tell outright lies at the beginning of a relationship simply because they fancy the pants off the other person, and want to be their 'perfect' partner? I'm sure we've all done it, perhaps claimed to love football, classical music, or whatever the other person enjoys, when in reality they can't stand it. Gradually as the relationship goes on, they can't keep it up, and find spending hours standing outside in the cold, watching a bunch of men running around after a silly ball, just too much, so start making excuses not to go along. This might work for a while, but then kids come along, and suddenly she, who professed to 'love' football, begins to get pissed off by the fact that her partner, wants to spend most of the weekend, either playing football, watching football, or worse still both, while she gets sole care of the kids. This then leads to the rows, where she says 'You never want to spend any time with me and the kids', and he comes back with 'Well you used to love football, but you never want to come and watch me play anymore!' Ultimately in all too many cases, this sort of argument leads to the complete breakdown of the relationship. At the end of the day, if she'd told the truth and said she actually loathed football, they'd have probably saved wasting years of their lives, as they'd have realised that they really weren't compatible after all. You and your DH are NOT compatible OP!

the difference is in the wording: i'm saving, to save, a conscious act to put money aside. so there is a doing part on your behalf, actively setting bits aside separately for this item or occasion.
vs from savings, which implies an account already set up not specifically for this item or occasion.
and yes gift vs trust vs inheritance is not really relevant.
now i've not read the whole thread BUT you would do well with both some personal and financial counselling to better understand your unique situation.
depending on the value of your non spending "savings" account INTEREST paid and not used could be considered money you have saved for this occasion.

@Georgeandzippyzoo A trust fund IS means, though, to be fair. I know people who live entirely on the means from family wealth and trusts. I actually used to be jealous of them, but the closer I've got to what it means to always be spending your family's money, not yours, from a psychological, romantic relationship and family relationship perspective, the less jealous I feel...but that's another story! But suffice it to say it makes things very tricky in relationships, especially, I've observed, where it's a woman who has wealth and a man who doesn't, due to the gendered social expectations we all live with.

This would bother me. Looks like you’re not very responsible with money and not for the first time so he’s understandably annoyed.

YANBU OP people are invariably going to give you the sensible advice of seeking couples counselling. I just want to give you some support.

If you are working, earn a decent amount of money, pay into your pension, have a house, have a safety net and no longer ask him or your parent for money you are fine. If you’re still having to do that, then he has a point and you need to make a plan to adjust your spending.

He needs to work on his issue. By all means if he wants to pretend as though poverty is aspirational, he can let his moral conviction guide him. If you capitulate, there is no guarantee that later on in life, when it would be perfectly reasonable for you to spend your money, he won’t still be resentful. You only live one life. If the wedding incident was indeed just one incident and you have paid him back he needs to let it go.

You shouldn’t have omitted how you were going to pay for the holiday but, money is money and you are not a child. He shouldn’t be refusing to go to punish you.