To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

[vibecheck]

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

What difference does it make? Whether the money was saved week by week or was from a gift?

Does he feel like you have to suffer/deprive yourself to deserve a holiday?

I hope you paid him back when he bailed you out of the shortfall for that big purchase.
But aside from that, he could fuck right off and I wouldn't be discussing my income or its source with any boyfriend. Especially not one with a massive chip on his shoulder.

For an individual purchase, money is money so it doesn't really matter. But, I don't think I could be with someone who was still supported by their parent(s), it would feel like I was dating a child, not a fully functioning adult. I would also find the offers to be supported by PIL's money infantising, so refuse it as your husband had.

Maybe it's not actually about the holiday, and more a reminder of how fundermentally mis-matched you are. If he's already uncomfortable with the financial side of the relationship, your inability to save is bringing those feelings front and center.

I think it comes down to being so different in your attitudes.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be happy with someone with your view. And it’s not just money. The line ‘well really it’s his fault I don’t save’ (paraphrasing) suggests you don’t really take any financial responsibility for yourself. You act as though your actions aren’t your own but as a result of everyone else’s. Him, you deceased parent, your living parent.

And your inability to save did directly impact him. You didn’t save for your wedding. You had something to save for and still didn’t. Then relied and your parent and him to sort out your financial responsibility. It was something you agreed to and you didn’t do it, just let other people handle the fall out.

and while you are still paying for your half here, you showed the same behaviour. Claimed you were going to save to pay for something but didn’t, then used money that had been gifted to make up the shortfall. It’s more about you not sticking to what you said you were going to do and then using money you have been given to bail you out.

On the other hand he may be too far the other way. It’s hard to tell. But your attitude to money, I can imagine, is frustrating. Especially for someone who grew up quite poor and does what they said they were going to do.

This.

If I was your husband I would be thinking that you are in this very fortunate position because your parents were financially savvy and saved/invested well and maybe you should stop spending and take a leaf out of their book

Not sure if this view has been suggested by pp, but maybe he feels shame that he can never match you because he doesn't have money coming in from family and never will. Maybe he sees your willingness to pool your money as an implicit criticism of him (feels he should earn more to compensate maybe?) or resents your 'Lady Bountiful' approach.

I was brought up in a family where money was not plentiful to start with but later came to be. From my mother I inherited a cautious, needs- based approach to spending (although her family were relatively comfortably off) whereas my father quite liked to spend (not excessively but unnecessarily at times) but came from a poor family. The original 'pot' whereby they were helped to buy a house etc all came from my mother's family, whereas later wealth came from his earning powers. My father has told me how he felt awkward accepting the money at first (but did, all money in the marriage was pooled) but bountiful once it was his own contribution.

Whatever, I find your disdain for his approach and feelings hard to understand, though I can see that him not agreeing to share your money is frustrating. For context, in my marriage, I both earn more (and always have) and have gained more from family over the years than my husband, but we share it all.

I think what ever is happening with money and spending must filter through to a difference in attitude to life , day to day functioning and independence. This is what he is struggling with not the money really. I'm not sure you are compatible long term as you have different values and expectations.

I think the knowledge that this money is going to keep coming in, or that parents will step in and bail you out is holding you back from growing up and taking responsibility for yourself. That’s not hugely attractive, and I imagine he is finding it frustrating.

Relationships are put under pressure when you’re not both on the same page when it comes to money. At the moment you’re a spender and he is a saver.

I think it’s just the difference between capital ( gift money) and revenue ( monthly savings). He wants to go on holiday using revenue and you’ve used capital. I think his point is that if you’d used revenue to pay you’d still have your capital money in the bank.

I think your different approaches to money and spending are a red flag. No one’s fault. And being a spender is not a moral failing as some would have you believe. But yes, I can see how it would annoy him that you have a “reserve” that he does not.

Since you’re married, I think that any gifts you receive from parents / inheritances etc should be shared between you for occasions like this. Otherwise you’re just watching your husband scrimping by to save, whilst you carry on as usual until you get a big handout. I can’t understand why you feel happy watching him working hard to save the money, when you could share the gift and make it easier for him, and you both need to save up less. Instead of supporting your partner and being in a partnership you say he has a chip on his shoulder. So yes, I can see why he’s annoyed! I’d be very hurt if my partner treated me like this.

It depends if that was going to be joint money - which I suppose it might well have been, as you are married.

If you have seperate finances then it's OK, but only if they're truly seperate and it wouldn't have ultimately gone towards joint savings/ investments/ mortgage etc.

If your finances are separate then really it doesn't matter as long as you contribute your half.

Sounds like he's quite resentful of your attitude towards your inheritance/trust fund, but if you knew you were going to receive this amount and didn't have it ear marked for something, else then you have 'saved for it' just not in the conventional way.

From your dh pov, if he's a saver then he'll find your attitude towards money frustrating, the same way I think you are be about his attitude (you wouldn't be posting otherwise), I think you both need to find a way of accepting each others approach otherwise it will continually crop up. Neither one of you is wrong. Especially if this money comes to you on a regular basis and won't suddenly stop.

I do agree with this in some ways.

But I suppose wherever the money came from, the point is that your husband has sacrificed something in order to save and hasn't just pulled it out of savings. He's kept the savings for you both.

Seeing as you were happy to pool savings, he could have gone down the easy road of agreeing to that and saying let's just take the holiday money from savings. But he didn't. He saved money that he's earned, that he would usually spend, so that more can stay in the savings.

That is to do with his attitude to money - but surely you can see the good in that, and how he is trying to benefit your relationship by saving. It might not be necessary, but it comes from a good place.

If you've pulled your share out of savings then you haven't really done anything positive for your relationship or sacrificed anything.

There's an imbalance because he has sacrificed to save but you haven't. I can see why that would bother him, especialy as you are married and all money is technically joint and will ultimately benefit both of you, whether or not the accounts have both your names on them.

What you are doing wrong is telling him with your behaviour that he cannot trust you to keep to your word. You can't be a team without trust.

I think what ever is happening with money and spending must filter through to a difference in attitude to life , day to day functioning and independence. This is what he is struggling with not the money really. I'm not sure you are compatible long term as you have different values and expectations
Agree with this. It must factor into overall outlook and values.

I'd be concerned about a spouse having an attitude of spend spend spend because some more money will be passed my way, and approaching life based on what financial gifts they am anticipating in future. I'd really struggle to be in a relationship with someone whose default position in finances is to burn through investments rather than save some of their salary because they'd rather take an easy route. It's not an attitude I'd find attractive.

Adding in them thinking lying by omission doesn't count too, I'd spend most of the relationship thinking that my spouse's prioritises a spending obsession over honesty in our marriage.

It's not about paying for the holiday. It is about showing your husbad you understand the value of money and can save for a shared goal.

In your husband's eyes if you don't save there is no holiday. People from backgrounds like yours can never understand what it is like to have zero parental/family safety net. There is no bailing out or inheritance to plan for money. If you don't save or work then you are on your own.

I think he wanted you to understand that.

Of course he doesn't want to share finances with you - you have no idea of the value of money.

I'd be annoyed. The point being that if you both agreed you'd save it from earnings that implies a mutual agreement to pare back spending on other stuff, be a bit less wasteful etc?

The windfall could then have been preserved for other stuff.

I'd be irritated if I'd carefully managed my money to waste less on day to day tat to afford the holiday, and i found that you'd just not bothered.

Of course he doesn't want to share finances with you - you have no idea of the value of money.

This

So you couldn’t be bothered to save for your own wedding and you wonder why he gets upset with you when you don’t save for this holiday, despite telling him you would?!

You are 100% in the wrong here and are incredibly dismissive of your husbands concerns.

Financially you sound incompatible.
He's clearly a very proud man who wants to work and save his own money and he's trying to encourage you to do the same.
My husband and i had very different financial backgrounds when we met. He is a very proud man and insists on paying his way.
You sound quite young. You have a lot of years ahead of you where anything can happen. Getting into the habit of saving is a good thing. Leave the investment money where it is until you are older and have built up your own pot from your own work.

If it was gifted to you or you I inherited it I think it is generally up to you how you spend it. Unless of course it was given to you with specific instructions on what it was to be spent on. Personally I don't see what the issue is.

Generally I would consider inheritance as money for big life things - houses, investments etc otherwise it'll be fluttered away. But tbh I don't know why he cares. It's your inheritance and therefore your money.