To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

[vibecheck]

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

I know it's a bit of a stereotype to suggest counselling, but I do wonder if you guys would benefit from it. You have some peculiarities in how you approach money, with your approach sounding like (frankly) you're loaded and never have to worry about it running out, whereas he sounds like he is saving to fund his own lifestyle and future. These different approaches don't tally in one relationship. You know inequality in a relationship is corrosive. One person can't be more well off than the other, it builds resentment and causes endless day to day difficulties. If you're married then you are both as rich as each other and need to get on the same page.

But you said you were saving for something and you were not. So it sounds like you lied. That’s the big deal for your husband, I am guessing. That and you have a completely different view on money than him - money ranks right up there with sex in a relationship. If you don’t share the same view on these issues the chances of your relationship working is slim I think.

Thanks for all the thoughts so far, they’re interesting. Really would be interested to hear from anyone who has a spouse with a vastly different financial background. When you got married did you feel your finances were joint? I did feel like that, or I wanted to, but my husband does not. It’s starting to feel like a problem, but I’m not sure which of us is wrong?

You're spending freely, kidding yourself that you live within your means because you count your parents bailouts as being "your means". Your future plans are all built on money that isn’t actually yours yet.

While he is, quite sensibly, making sure that he can support himself independently without debt or bailouts.

It's a really fundamental incompatibility, and then you were dishonest on top of that. You lied to your partner about money, which is a big issue.

There is an absolute heaven and earth difference in how you both view money. Not a good sign.

You'll NEVER change your blasé attitude towards saving. And he will NEVER stop being frugal.
Where do you go from there?

These things only cause resentment in both sides over the years that builds and builds until there is a break down and a break up. Personally, id see this is as a major incompatibility. You gotta think about whether you want to live with someone like this and he should think the same. Sounds harsh but trust me, financial are one of the biggest causes of break ups.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist This isn’t a fair representation. I have various things that are mine and are in my name that I will get access to along the line. They are guaranteed. Plus the inheritance I got when I was younger. The “bail outs” from my other parent and the inheritance they hope to give me when they die is not guaranteed, I agree

This.

Also someone who lies.

If you have thing coming ‘down the line’ it means you don’t have them.

Look, perhaps you both do have a solid safety net which is in your possession, and shared by both of you. Or maybe you are happy to speculate while he isn’t.

I think there are a few issues ( and I’m not having a go!).
You have different early experiences with money. This is fundamental- you cannot expect him to feel comfortable with spending. I wonder if you could have some couples therapy so you can understand each other better? This is not a surface issue, it is deep.

In his position, I would feel like I couldn’t trust you, that we weren’t a team if you don’t stick with the original plan. It would highlight the inequality, which again would make me feel insecure. It’s disrespectful.

OP it is really unfair to write off his concerns by saying he’s the child of a single parent and he’s jealous. That seems to give you a get out of jail card to do as you please.

Can you genuinely not see that your attitude toward money , and changing the goalposts reads as not pulling with him as a team?

He has lived for many years on a financial precipice, so may never feel safe. You have had layers of protection, so may not recognise when you are being reckless.
You guys need to find a way to meet in the middle.

@HowAmYa I’d like us both to change our attitudes a bit, really.

He doesn’t want to have joint finances because he doesn’t trust you with money. Prove to him you can save up, instead of relying on it coming “down the line”, and he may well trust you enough to join finances.

But will you?

You haven't thus far. Neither has he.

I think the issue here is neither of you are really wrong but on the face of it, if we talk about being honest, committed and sensible, then that's something you haven't been in this particular incident. I think it shows a total lack of care and control that you didn't bother saving, where he did. No matter how much you earn you have to make a choice to NOT so certain things or buy certain things to be able to save that money. All you've done is shown that you're not willing to sacrifice ANYTHING at all to pay for a family venture. You use money thats coming to you anyway.

He probably doesn't want to share finances because he's probably worried you'll burn through it like you do your own money.

This is how I personally would see it.

I can really, really relate to your partner. As someone who grew up with a lot of financial instability it leaves you with an indelible sense of anxiety around money - no matter how successful you go on to be in later life.

I couldn't be with someone who was unpredictable and a bit spendthrift in their approach to finances, no matter how reliable their income streams. That's not to say you're wrong, you're just playing the hand life dealt you, but you do sound fundamentally incompatible. Your disparaging comment about him having a chip on his shoulder is proof of this.

@Dotcheck I take all that on board, thank you. I guess where I feel irritated or like something is unfair is that his financial outlook comes from an extreme place, just like mine, and has created what some people would definitely think of as an unhealthy attitude to money, like mine. I’m absolutely not the only one causing a problem and making us not a team - he is the one who refuses to pool money in the way I want, and has refused offers by me to match his private pension to what I have.

“I have on one previous occasion failed to save what I had claimed I would for a very big purchase and was given some of the rest of the money by my surviving parent, and he covered the rest of my shortfall of the half”. That’s not living within your means.

“he thinks I’m spoiled and can’t save money”. Sorry but it sounds like he’s right. Maybe try to change that?

If you had used a bit of
birthday cash that had recently come tucked in a card it wouldn’t be an issue.

Money in your trust is your savings. Not only didn’t you save, you dipped into your existing savings.

^This.

I think this is a good point. You're attitude towards money is a bit self centred. He is annoyed because you have again shown him you can't save. Being bailed out all the time doesn't make you look like an adult in control of their finances. I'd be worried for the future if I was him.

It’s starting to feel like a problem, but I’m not sure which of us is wrong?

Neither of you is right or wrong. You need to reframe that - that's immediately suggesting one of you is to blame.

Though you saying you spend because of his attitude to money is rather childish and very unfair to him. You're supposed to be equals, you're not supposed to put him in the position of being the parent to your child. Think about it - is that what you're doing?

With this post, you’ve demonstrated that you know the price of things, but not their value.

Your partner is right. He should remain financially separate from you.

I’m absolutely not the only one causing a problem and making us not a team - he is the one who refuses to pool money in the way I want

Wow - reread that OP - you're blaming him for not doing what YOU want! You are causing a problem.

I think that's a very good way of explaining it.

Yes I would- but I'd be annoyed by your general attitude. You could save, you chose not to, and have assumption/ back up that you'll always be bailed out. You were supposed to save for this holiday and didn't. You don't have any savings, despite being capable of having them financially because you know someone will always give it to you. The attitude would irk me too.

And I would not ever combine finances with you- because you demonstrated repeatedly that you can't be trusted or responsible with money. Wouldn't mean I didn't love you (as a partner) but I wouldn't trust you not to fritter away everything because that's what you're used to. I couldn't combine finances with someone I didn't fiscally trust either.

I don’t really know tbh!

I think you should probably have saved from your salary if you said you were going to. And still have the only money in the bank for later in life, I guess.

Youve got to come to an agreement both of you are comfortable with.

I am actually very surprised you have got as far as marriage when you such fundamental differences when it comes to money. Financial compatibility is imo one of the most important factors when it comes to a successful relationship

I don’t mean always bringing in the same amount of money to the pot, but more that both people are on the same page when it comes to saving vs spending

Your husband is being very sensible in keeping money separate as he likely always has it in the back of his mind that the future windfalls that you seem to be relying on are not always guaranteed and so he is protecting his own financial security, very likely because of his background/history