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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maternity leave looks lovely

524 replies

gillardd · 16/10/2023 19:55

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

OP posts:
Tryingmybestadhd · 17/10/2023 01:26

Coffeerum · 16/10/2023 20:05

How is that not unpaid? Presumably the partner had a job while the woman was still working too so it’s still almost a full income lost.

Show quote history

I get paid in full , some others get too .
despite having a hard baby , my maternity leaves where all good

Leobynature · 17/10/2023 01:51

I loved maternity leave…🥰

oktobeok · 17/10/2023 02:07

I loved maternity leave. I had zero stress and a lovely baby to look after on full pay. Theres was nothing not to like, for me.

I ended up not going back as I preferred being at home with our son. We went on to have another and haven't gone back yet. She's 15 soon. 😅 I class myself as early retired now.

Mydogmybestfriend · 17/10/2023 02:36

You forgot the ear piercing screams if the bottle isnt ready right away. The sleepless nights. The bags under your eyes and hair falling out. The constant watching of baby TV and falling asleep on toys.

burnoutbabe · 17/10/2023 03:09

I have no kids

I just took a sabbatical at 40 and had a year off -took advantage of redundancy.

And at 50 decided to study another degree.

Much more fun than looking after a baby (and all paid by me, not government or partner)

Newtothis2005 · 17/10/2023 04:46

Of course that part is nice but it’s normally going to a cafe in order to keep sane after having been woken every 40 minutes by your baby. It’s tough in the winter to find places to go and can be very lonely.

That said I adored my maternity leave but absolutely needed it to deal with the demands of a baby.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/10/2023 07:02

Yes, there are sleepless nights, teething, sore nipples and exhaustion but you probably still have those things when you go back to work afterwards. I found it much easier dealing with them when nobody was expecting me to get up at 6.30am to give them 9 hours worth of paid work where I’m expected to be fully alert!

JennyForeigner · 17/10/2023 07:03

I didn't get mat leaves despite having three children. The first time my husband was made redundant a month before I gave birth and we were terrified about money. The second time, let's just say my employer got ideas about a woman with three babies and work. My husband wanted SPL but it was made clear to him that it wouldn't be an option and we couldn't manage on his salary alone after the first time.

I know it looks like women all get their lovely mat leave in their lovely long term jobs and relationships with a lovely ability to prepare for it and save, but it very often isn't like that too.

Miamonthly · 17/10/2023 07:23

@Jelllytot

It actually rewires your brain, here’s one article but look it up, interesting.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-causes-lasting-changes-in-a-womans-brain/

I find I am more assertive, care less about what others think, more accepting, less prone to overreaction and don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. I am also better at multitasking and being ambidextrous.

I wonder what my left hand was doing all those years before.

And I marvel at the incredible wastes of time prior - lie ins, netflix binges, afternoon teas a gogo.

re. Netflix, you quickly realise you can not watch the same shows anymore… ie when you think the baby has no comprehension of anything and then they perk up at a loud exclamation of “oh f*%k!” on the tv you hustle to switch it off and then pray that will not be the first word 😂😂😂

Pregnancy Causes Lasting Changes in a Woman's Brain

New mothers showed evidence of neural remodeling up to two years after giving birth

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-causes-lasting-changes-in-a-womans-brain/

Mammyloveswine · 17/10/2023 08:05

I loved maternity leave, literally with my first it was as you described! (Except he didn't sleep on a night!).

When I had my second it was a case of dragging poor baby along to anything that might entertain the 2 year old... exhausting times! Still loved it tho!

Now they are 5 and 7 and I work full time in a stressful job and it's just constant stress and running around tbh!

Whatisgoingonhere · 17/10/2023 08:26

God, so many of these posts where women had wonderful times during maternity leave make me feel like shit. I had an awful time, due to post natal depression and anxiety, so much so that when I look back at photos from this time, I cry.

My pregnancy was awful, my DC had to stay in hospital when born and then had to return a couple of months later. I would get ten minute naps at night between breast feeding, expressing and bottle feeding. I was exhausted, scared and completely disengaged.

But yeah, maternity leave is fucking great, a walk in the park for every woman. So fucking ignorant.

Jelllytot · 17/10/2023 08:37

Whatisgoingonhere · 17/10/2023 08:26

God, so many of these posts where women had wonderful times during maternity leave make me feel like shit. I had an awful time, due to post natal depression and anxiety, so much so that when I look back at photos from this time, I cry.

My pregnancy was awful, my DC had to stay in hospital when born and then had to return a couple of months later. I would get ten minute naps at night between breast feeding, expressing and bottle feeding. I was exhausted, scared and completely disengaged.

But yeah, maternity leave is fucking great, a walk in the park for every woman. So fucking ignorant.

I'm sorry to hear this. You certainly aren't alone. I am not having the best time and feel so guilt feeling like this. I worry so much my baby will pick up on it. But also I feel like I should be making more of it and am not doing my baby justice by being too afraid to go our

SacAMain · 17/10/2023 08:42

burnoutbabe · 17/10/2023 03:09

I have no kids

I just took a sabbatical at 40 and had a year off -took advantage of redundancy.

And at 50 decided to study another degree.

Much more fun than looking after a baby (and all paid by me, not government or partner)

I love seeing posts like this.

What is highly amusing is that most people will congratulate you on making the most of your life.

However, SAHM are often being ridiculed and abused on this forum for being pretty much brain-dead, lose their identity and many nastier comments.

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/10/2023 08:46

My first maternity leave was only 6 months (that's just how long maternity pay lasted for 17 years ago and we couldn't afford for my ex husband "to fund" any longer), and 6 weeks of that was spent at hospital in SCBU every day as my baby was born prematurely. I didn't get the time off before hand as I was literally at work when it all happened.

The 4.5 months I did get of 'proper' maternity leave were lovely and I found it pretty easy compared to working and being a parent. Pretty much as you describe (but add being pretty permanently tired to the mix.

Second time I got 9 months off but also had a toddler under 2 who had literally only just started walking due to said prematurity so doing all the meet ups and cafe's, etc wasn't quite to easy or appealing with 2 under 2 and a double pushchair!

I had help and support from my parents when I needed it though so again, didn't find it too difficult and found going back to work and juggling that and motherhood much more difficult. I wouldn't have wanted to give up work though, even if it were an option financially as as nice as mat leave was, I would have been bored doing it long term.

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2023 08:52

I’m so sorry it’s looking like you won’t be able to have children OP. I tried for a long time and it never happened. I would watch colleague after colleague going off on maternity leave and then coming into the office with their lovely new babies and everyone cooing over them. The new mums all seemed really happy.

But if it doesn’t happen for you, it does get better, I can promise you that.

Beezknees · 17/10/2023 09:00

Well I didn't enjoy it. I hate being "funded" by someone else, I had no friends with babies, everyone was at work so I spent most days alone all day, DS struggled to breastfeed and was a grumpy baby.

bungletru · 17/10/2023 09:49

Livingoncaffeine · 16/10/2023 22:17

I’m five months into Mat leave and I’m struggling big time. It is far from easy. I don’t know how to entertain my little one when he’s awake (I wish he’d be happy with me just cuddling him). He doesn’t sleep (8-10 wakes a night) so I just feel awful all day. Partner definitely can’t afford to fund me!!

I went for lunch in costa today with my pre schooler and baby. If you’d have seen us you’d ok have probably thought we were having a lovely time and we were. But you didn’t see my tears later on trying to get the baby to sleep while managing a whining toddler, the worry over whether I could really justify the £11 we spent on food, the guilt over how little I’ve actually done with my baby today, the guilt over basically everything there is to feel guilty about. And not to mention the anxiety that comes with sleep deprivation.

I do have to say I’m massively enjoying this maternity leave compared to Mat leave one during lockdown but my god it’s still tough and far from a holiday. When people say work is a break, believe them.

@Livingoncaffeine sending you love.

find some baby / Toddler classes.. soft play centres.. anything like that

stick a bit of miss Rachel on it’ll help and go for walks!
helps break up the days.

mince your youngest starts eating solids you’ll find a lot of your time will be spent looking at meals and sitting to eat and seeing him play.

it’ll get easier. Try the community classes x

BarelyCoping123 · 17/10/2023 17:55

Are you on glue OP?

BarryStyles · 17/10/2023 20:15

@BarelyCoping123 no OP isn’t on glue, she’s feeling sad that she may not be able to have children and experience the life she sees new mums having. When you think you can’t have a baby they seem to be everywhere.

Such a shame that so many women have been so unhappy on maternity leave, but some effort to understand the OP’s situation would have been nice.

BarelyCoping123 · 17/10/2023 20:21

Oh jog on @BarryStyles - OP's description of maternity leave is farcical and frankly insulting

Redlarge · 17/10/2023 20:23

Its not good. Its the hardest slog you will face whilst at your physical and mental weakest.

Hmmmm2018 · 17/10/2023 20:28

Sorry to hear you may be unable to have children. I imagine that will make the world of children look even more inviting. I would go against the grain and say maternity leave is great. I have a stressful day job that requires sleepless nights and antisocial working, maybe this prepared me for Maternity leave? Maternity leave compared to work was a joy, no managers messing up my pay or working hours, no uncertainty of what days and what hours I may be working. I also love the baby stage, would happily spend all day on the sofa cuddling a little one. Mat leave is still work and challenging at times but a million times better than my work.

Hullabalooza · 17/10/2023 20:37

My maternity leaves weren’t like that, they mostly consisted of stumbling out of the house at 2pm for a walk to the supermarket so baby would nap, or going to a baby group and feeling super awkward the whole time then being relieved when it’s over.
my main issue with the OP’s first post is about being funded by a partner. This isn’t how it works for most women at all and is a very old fashioned perception. I find that insinuation insulting.

Spacecowboys · 17/10/2023 20:44

So sorry you may not be able to have children. I absolutely loved my maternity leave with both dc. I wasn’t funded by a partner ( reasonable mat package) and find this assumption a bit cheeky tbh.

Vergingontheridiculous · 17/10/2023 20:47

My first mat leave started in early March 2020. We'd not long moved out of London. So although I pictured the idyllic coffee mornings and mum friends it very much didn't happen for me. Spending 9+ hours per day with no adult company (and doing night feeds) was incredibly rough. But I think if circumstances had been different maybe it would have been lovely 🤷