To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

Multiple mothers on this thread have said that it pretty much describes their experience. So no, it’s not farcical or insulting. I’m sorry that some mothers have a much harder time, and I’m sorry if you are one of them.

Bit rich of you to say someone has been insulting when in your previous, utterly infantile post, you accused them of being ‘on glue’.

Her description isn’t farcical to many, and is only insulting to those who choose to be insulted by it.

My maternity leave was lovely, yours may not have been. Shock horror! People experience things differently. It doesn’t give you the right to be so rude. Grow up.

I remember recently someone made a thread asking which is harder - an intense job (I forgot if they specified the job) or having a baby. I asked DH because his previous role was at an American law firm (apparently they're known to be a bit rough) and he said that a baby by far is the most gruelling of the two.

I am inspired by all the women who have said how wonderful their maternity leave has been, however, my experience has been a real rollercoaster. That said, it is absolutely so unique to everyone. I remember before having a baby I thought my maternity leave would be lots of park walks and cafe dates and I was overjoyed my baby would be a spring baby because it meant we would have the summer right round the corner for so many outdoor adventures. How wrong I was! This summer was probably my bleakest to date. I think I've been to a park walk four times. And even then with so much gentle persuasion by DH because I have somehow developed an awful anxiety about going out with my baby.

That’s totally unfair. Some of us have already confirmed we have experienced ML exactly like OP described.

Are you so stupid you think that everyone has the same experience as you? I can totally understand and believe that some new mums have a rotten time of it, but equally, for some of us it really was heavenly

I am on mat leave now and tbh for me it is pretty much how you have described it, apart from the fact I am very tired due to the baby waking up 500 times a night 😁 also I have a toddler already so on the day I have both it is not so idyllic... But that does mean the days with just the baby seem very easy by comparison. I don't mind my job but I'm considering not going back so I can have longer with the baby.

Certainly wasn't like that for me. I had PND and Maternity leave with my first was a deeply lonely and scary time. 2nd time around it was a little better but still not as you describe it!!

@gillardd

I think you can gather here that maternity leave is not quite the nirvana envisaged.

Even if for example someone has tonnes of support - full set of 4 grandparents, siblings, and bottle feeds for example.. even then it can still be a hugely challenging and exhausting time. If they enjoy the time enormously, it’s still a massive life change and requires a lot of effort.

I was sorry to read that you may not have children, hard to gather if this is a huge issue for you or not.

Babies are on the whole, despite the hard work and shattered illusions, wonderful little beings. Would I give mine back, no not for a second.

But I would like to have a word with my younger self to tell her to appreciate the very many freedoms of her life.

Babies grow up to be just as demanding children and it really is a lifelong, at times arduous and expensive, commitment.

Honestly, I miss so much of my own life from before and wish I could have seen how valuable what I had was. I was blinded by fertility worries and panic to get pregnant…. I never really looked at the present or the future… just the baby cooing in my arms stage. With this kind of insane “oh my life will not be complete without this baby…” ideology. But that stage is SO short!!!! And can be gruelling

Whatever happens for you please don’t put yourself down or feel bad because of the pram in the park brigade. It is just another path, you have to self sacrifice so much for it, and if you get on that path you could be looking at woman without children with longing and jealousy.

The grass is always greener no matter what you do.

That's what it was like for me with my first, heaven, once the second came along as I was in work quicker than I could birth the placenta coz that shit is hard

insulting? what's insulting?

Some people are happy pottering around, meet friends for coffee, watch tv.
No one is accusing YOU of being these people. 🙄

No need to find something to be offended about every-time someone posts something.

@SacAMain pottering around, meet friends for coffee, watch tv

What does that have to do with maternity leave?

@BarelyCoping123 these are all things that can be done with a baby, for several months when not going to work - you know, when on mat leave. If, like OP, you usually work FT you don’t ever have a period of time when everything isn’t ruled by work. Along with the thought of maybe not having a child, the sense of not experiencing this different type of life at the time that others are, is kind of the point of the thread. It’s not all about what it was like for you.

@BarryStyles I've never said what anything was like for me - you should follow your own advice and realise that not all experiences are like your own
"pottering around, meet friends for coffee, watch tv" is still a surprising description of maternity leave to me

Exactly this. It’s the wanting to experience a different kind of lifestyle. One that’s not governed by deadlines and meetings and performance appraisals and training courses.

@BarelyCoping123 sounds like a description of bits of maternity leave, among lots of other things, not all of them fun, not all of them awful. Not that much of a stretch to imagine that lots of women have a bit of a mixed bag of experiences on maternity leave. Not sure why going for coffee and watching TV sounds that controversial but anyway.

@gillardd

I think you need to go live with a friend who has a newborn or one with small children for a week or two and then come back to this comment.

If you are not having to pay 10k a year (absolute minimum, excluding childcare) for a child you can totally afford to safe to take a sabbatical and waft around cafes yourself.

Except you won’t be sleep deprived, nor have another human dependent on you 24/7.

Now that DOES sound amazing.

My experience isn't wildly far from what you've described, except we're pretty skint.

I'm just so, so tired, I'm not mentally stimulated at all and my OCD is out of control.

I do go on lots of breakfast/coffee dates, have cooked lovely meals for my family, my baby is living the BLW dream and my house is looking amazing. But, under the surface my head is tricky to be in sometimes.

Babies really vary, as you can tell from the experiences above.

I took 13 months (12 plus accrued annual leave) for both.

Month 1: Huge, uncomfortable and waiting. Mostly DVDs while tired (terrible sleep, impossible to be comfortable) with DC1, looking after 3 year old while tired for DC2

Month 2/3: Birth plus immediate aftercare. Family staying first week, recovering from the birth. With DC1 an undiagnosed infection from episiotomy so constant grinding pain and no idea this is wasn’t normal. DC2 amazed by how much easier it was - but still a bit like recovering after being beaten up. No one talks about recovery from labour but imagine you had to recover from running an all-night marathon which your body made you run regardless of what your brain said. Quite tired, right? But then afterwards you have to be awake for 40 minutes out of every two and a half hours, 24 hours a day. (breastfeeding). This continues for six weeks. After 6 weeks you’re still feeding them (whichever way you do, I kept BF) but slightly longer gaps (3 hours, maybe 4 if you’re lucky overnight) and slightly more efficient feeding.

After all that it depends. DC1 was a pretty good sleeper (by which I mean I’d often get 4-5 hours at a stretch although usually up by 5am and often 4.30) until 8 months and 8-12 months usually till 6 although sometimes up 4.30 to 5. DD2 was regularly awake for an hour between 1-3am until 16 months. Being back at work was hard.

I wouldn’t have missed it. But it in no way resembled a Richard Curtis film.

Yes because every employer will let you take a sabbatical just to have some time out of the workplace. Which maternity leave is. And many mothers here say they enjoyed theirs.

Would you rather have been unable to have children?

@KimberleyClark

If a person values the idea of extended time off then of course they have the choice to either leave their job or arrange for time out (it does happen).

Out of all my friends who’ve had children only a few have come back to the same working conditions as before maternity. Several were made redundant. Others were demoted upon asking for flexible working conditions and then had to leave their employer due to this as the money was not on a par with their former wage.

So the ideology that maternity is a sabbatical where it’s all joy and light, you float off for 9-12 months and then come back to your job/work environment just the way you left it, is flawed. It depends on your field and how much women are protected within that, more often than not returning mothers draw the short straw.

Furthermore maternity leave is not a sabbatical. It is a point where a woman has given birth, recovers from the birth, breast feeds (ideally), copes with lack of sleep, and attends to the needs of the baby constantly. It is very psychologically and physiologically demanding. Whether you thrive on the experience and enjoy it is neither here nor there.

I think not having children/having children can both be equally tough and it depends entirely upon the individual and their attitude to life/individual circumstances.

For me one of the DC is disabled so some days I really do miss my career as was, freedom, sleep and money.

It’s hard to discern whether OP’s longing for a maternity type scenario is because she actually truly wants children (and all the added responsibility), or whether she likes the idea of not having to work for a while, have time to enjoy for herself and perceives that maternity is the only way to achieve this for an extended period.

My point would be that if it is the latter, having a baby is unlikely to give her the sort of unbridled time she is desiring. And that if she does want something like this and remains without children, she will have plenty of resources to work towards facilitating this for herself.

I don’t know what your experience has been like, but your username suggests you’re finding things tough, and I’m really sorry. My intention definitely wasn’t to insult you and I do fully glean from this thread that people have very varied experiences of maternity leave.

@Miamonthly you make a number of good points. I realise that maternity leave is hard for many but it is still a change. I did really want that change when I was ttc but I really wanted to be a mum too. It’s unfair of you to question whether the OP really wants children. And I was ttc in the very early 1990s when the conspiracy of silence about the realities of motherhood was still very much in force. The internet was in its infancy and there were no anonymous forums like this one.

Your last para though is true. I was able to take early(ish) retirement at 58 which I would not have been in a position to do had I had maternity breaks and the expenses of raising children.

PS I know ML is not a sabbatical, I was responding to your suggestion that the OP could take one.

I had two colicky non-sleepers. Was nearly suicidal during my maternity leave. Not unusual, I think. If you had seen me at a cafe, you wouldn't have known as I put on a brave front. Things did eventually get better but only when they were toddlers.

I am sorry you are unable to have DC, though.

@KimberleyClark

Please reread the OP’s opening post.

She states that she likes her job but it is stressful.

Then she states that she is probably unable to have children (not that she wants them or is currently under treatment etc).

She goes on to detail her perceptions of women on maternity leave and relaxation from stress she perceives they have.

And asks whether this is the reality.

That is why I said it was unclear if she wants children, or release from the stress of her job. Because in that post it is unclear.

I too have gone through fertility issues, had multiple miscarriages and wouldn’t dream to question anyone going through same regarding their longing for a child. However, from that first post that isn’t coming across. It’s the break from work.

The issue is if you have a baby, even if maternity is a dream, you can’t hand the baby back at the end of it. You then need to go back to your stressful job after. And deal with the needs of a baby/child. In a few years all of your evenings are taken up with homework’s and ferrying to and from extra curricular activities. The weekends trying to catch up on everything, going to birthday parties and the like, being a taxi driver etc etc Arguably the reality post maternity lumped on top of a stressful job is wildly stressful, if satisfying and loving. So, is 9-12 months in a potentially less stressful situation work the 17yrs++ in a more stressful one? Only individuals can decide, but it’s important to have the long term view in mind.

If childless you can afford to take time out of work, change careers, study, do whatever you want because you don’t have dependents and don’t have to be so risk averse. As you say, you can retire at 58. We will probably work until 70.

That doesn’t diminish the fertility struggles you had or the very real emotional pain of that. It is to say that there are postive and negative points to every situation in life.

One of mine was blissful and just like you describe, best year of my life.

For one of them I was not getting any sleep (2 hours a night and not all in one chunk) and I just felt fuzzy and desperate to be asleep, constantly imagining scenarios where I could sleep, no matter what else I was doing through the day my thoughts would never go far from sleep.

Ah yes, it was lovely having emergency surgery and having an infant to look after straight away. I personally enjoyed the cluster feeding and mastitis, the judgment from others when nursing in a cafe or not nursing is also delightful.

seriously though, there are some lovely moments (my little one and I sure enjoyed a lot of lunch/ coffee dates) but getting to those places could feel like a battlefield. If you’ve never had a baby, never mind a “difficult” baby, then you really can’t understand how hard it can be to simply function. Throw on top of that PND, blocked ducts, bleeding for months on end, healing from every layer of your abdomen being sliced open, hormones going to shit, sleep deprivation…and the “when are you going back to the gym” questions 🤦‍♀️