To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

I'm sorry to hear about that. Im so worried that's going to happen to me.

I was so glad to get back to work after mat leave. It meant I could make and drink a cup of tea in peace. I could chat to colleagues about stuff unrelated to babies. I was a person again, rather than a mum. Annoyingly it took me most of my maternity leave to recover physically from a traumatic birth. I am thankful for mat leave for the time I had to recover.

Holy moly, sorry to derail thread, hope you're okay now

Mine was lovely. Loved getting paid to be at home. Literally want another child to get a year off work 🤣 plus I want a child it's a win win. My baby was a really good sleeper so I was never really exhausted like you'd expect. My next will probably be a nightmare.

I loved maternity leave so much that I didn't go back to work for long before becoming a SAHM 😂

It wasn't a lifestyle "funded by my husband" however, I contributed more than a bit to it!

I would have died of boredom if I had spent my days sitting in a cafe eating cakes, even with friends to go home to watch tv,

But the luxury of having the freedom to do what you want to do, spend time with your kids, not being fixated on work related matters, but actually have time and energy to concentrate on a lot more interests, is a lot more enjoyable and productive than trying to juggle work and kids.

It all comes down to money and finance sadly, there's no real other factors unfortunately.

Lol.

Having children is not a new thing but the ever-increasing ML rights and entitlements are, thanks to the many childless through choice women who fought hard to gain any ML rights for future women to benefit from.

It's actually pretty easy raising your own baby, just as it's pretty doing a job you enjoy. The problems in the equation are usually to do with the baby not liking your job or the job not keen on your baby. The old adage - "two's company and three's a crowd" still applies.

I agree. It looks idyllic! A paid year away from work and commuting seems a dream

Do some posters just not read the thread or are they oblivious to any experience other than their own? Or do they just enjoy agitating?

Enjoyed most of my mat leaves and my last was as you describe tbh but I was always doing things to keep my brain going not just the baby stuff.

It took a long time time to have children and I’d say even the worst bits of parenting are a million times better than longing/trying for a child you can’t have. Hope you are ok OP.

I mean, I have loved being on maternity leave and to be very honest all those things you've mentioned in your post op are the really lovely bits about it. But there is much more as well and ultimately maternity leave is in place to allow women to recover from a physically and mentally significant event that's very hard on the mind and body. Each person's recovery will be different and that will impact on how they experience maternity leave. I felt extremely fortunate not to have experienced birth trauma/ post natal depression, post partum psychosis, I did have post natal anxiety but it was thankfully manageable, whereas for many people it's not. Not everyone feels an easy bond with their child which is very normal, not everyone has a decent support network around them and as much as I LOVE my son, there are days like today where I'm really thankful that I've a dh who could do bedtime as today was very intense for both of us due to teething and sleep deprivation. The hormones are huge, that was something I really underestimated. I'd say at the 9 month mark was when I felt like I was actually clear in my head, up until then I was going around in a complete fog which made a lot of things difficult like even basic conversation, decision making, using my memory. I don't think I'd have functioned well in work up until then and I think I'd have made mistakes. The lovely bits are what keeps you going on a tough day but it can be lonely and it's just the same as anything else- it's individual and it has both good and bad bits. It's a very mixed bag. I think because my pregnancy was so rough my early days after having baby were like a relief even though I was still recovering from major surgery as I had a section. A lot of people forget the significant impact of what mum has been through when they have a baby, you're expected to feel really glad and get up and get on with it and that's not fair because a lot of women just aren't in the position to be able to do that for a while. I can see why you've written what you've written and I can understand where you're coming from but the idea that maternity leave is easy or like a holiday can be really damaging to women because it undermines the really brutal and tough bits that are really hard work and most of that happens behind the scenes.

talking about his own experience is hardly being oblivious to another person's experience.

Having different point of view is not invalidating anything.

Women don't even take the same amount of maternity leave, of course people have different views

I loved being on maternity leave. No long commute, no stressful job... it was bliss, especially the first time. So much so that I went back after a year already five months pregnant with my second.

After my next maternity leave I didn't go back at all, was offered redundancy so I grabbed it with both hands. I had nine years off in total, had a third baby then resumed my career when he started school.

I have no regrets at all, except for all the cake playing havoc with my waistline

@ReadRum and without 28 days minimum holiday per year to top it off

!@gillardd Omg this is the most unrealistic unreasonable thing I have ever read.

So you have a baby, you think fantastic they will sleep tonnes, I will waft around on a cloud of happiness, basking in my post birth brilliance, having given birth naturally in a pool with candles and enya playing. I will luxuriate in all the free time to ponce about the place and have everyone coo over my beautiful baby…

Then you go through a three day induction/labour experience, followed by emergency c section. Everyone bombards you even though you’re exhausted and the baby, though sweet is suckling on your tits every few hrs or sometimes for hours on end every 20 mins (5pm-2am it’s fun not) like a piranha and between the sleep deprivation, breast pain, stitches (you count yourself lucky it’s not your vagina) you’re a shadow of your former self. Getting a shower in peace is difficult, the house is a mess and you have to deal with constantly cleaning the bed/s and baby changer due to breast explosions, shit, piss and vomit. The washing machine is always on.

You go to baby classes or mums and tots every day because anything is better than being in the house. The cafes because you’re too tired to organise anything lunch wise at home, don’t want to go back and end up having 2 slices of cake to make yourself feel better. You either meet other mums there to support each other through the chaos/swap tactics. Or you meet your single friend who’s telling you all about their trip across America, you try to keep up but it’s too hard to follow, you’re too tired, then she asks you if you’ve seen X on Netflix it’s amazing - you have no idea what she’s talking about.

The walking in the park is generally to try and get the child over to nap/to stop them crying/a valiant attempt at some exercise or an attempt to feel vaguely human.

It gets a bit better at 4/5 months when the feeding isn’t so voracious. By 9months you’re either back at work or prepping to go back. And then will then face trying to do this while being hit with every illness under the sun that your child brings back from nursery.

But yeah maternity it’s all sunshine and light… idyllic.

Miamonthly
Your description is brilliantly funny! I am sorry you had such a bad time, I swear mine wasn't anywhere near as bad.

I was one of those mums sitting in a cafe today, meeting some other mum friends & I had a lovely time, but what onlookers didn't see was this:

• I was so busy trying to get out of the house on time & feed dd I forgot to have lunch.
• Dd fell asleep 5 minutes before arriving at our destination, woke up & then refused to go back to sleep, so was then overtired and grumpy by the time I got home and refused to sleep until 8pm & only whilst I was holding her.
• She pooped out of her nappy on the drive home, so I had to clean her & all of her clothes before I could even have a wee.
• I had to baby wear Dd whilst cooking dinner & then stand up whilst swaying to eat my dinner to stop her from screaming her head off.
• I was just about to get into bed & Dd woke up & decided she wanted feeding again.

This is just some of the fun of being on mat leave, on my measly £172 a week statutory pay, which doesn't even vaguely come close to my usual £50k salary. Luckily hubby earns enough that we are only eating into our savings a little each month.

Having said all that... I usually work very hard, long hours & see many of my friends barely working for more money than I, so for me mat leave is wonderful. There are tough days & sleepless nights, tension with hubby over domestic work & stress about money, but it's all worth it. There will however come a point where going back to work will be necessary from a financial perspective but also to stop me losing my mind with boredom. There's only so long you can scroll through social media whilst breastfeeding for the 8th time that day & I've completed Netflix 🤣

@SacAMain

I know, I was terribly unlucky, but also incredibly naive like OP… I honestly thought baby would sleep 16hrs a day and I would be writing a novel or something 😂😂

A lot tougher than work and less mentally stimulating.

Also, how wildly unfair is it that when you finally have time to hit the shops like a teen, you have explodo boobs and a big saggy tummy. So you go and have more cake which does absolutely nothing to help the situation but it’s very satisfying. You fantasise you will not go back to your old job and will become a young Mary Berry type.. Nadiya Hussain… Earth mother.

You know I even dreamt up I’d start a supervised softplay/spa business because I so wanted a place like that to exist!! 🙈

With my first I did the lovely baby groups, sitting in coffee shops with other mums while cuddling our babies, lovely walks through the park while baby slept in the pram etc.
I also sat up at night crying because I was so sleep deprived, I started to feel suicidal.
I also felt like I'd made a horrible choice in having children and wanted someone to save me from it.
I also lost all my friends that were childless as all of a sudden, our lives were in totally different directions and we had less and less in common.

Some of it is sunshine and rainbows but the reality of it is so much different than you could imagine.

My kids are 4 and 5 now and I love them so much it's insane and I would not change a thing about my life as a mum.

This is my experience of it. But also add in some very painful back and coccyx from birth trauma. And then PNA which actually means I'm too scared to go out by myself with baby and I wonder how do women go out with their babies and be so confident doing it. I used to love going out before having a baby, I even made sure my pram came with a cupholder because I assumed I'd be going out loads with baby. The sad reality is I've not used the cup holder once and I've received therapy to give me the confidence to go out with baby alone.

One thing I didn't anticipate was how having a baby can literally change the very essence of who you are, your personality, everything.

Would be great if it didn't include a child lol

I have sympathy for your situation

But oh my god no!

It broke me physically and mentally

Ok. Incredibly terribly paid. Many are on a pittance not full pay and the work is 24 hours a day. Then you go back to work and do the unpaid job on top all night long' then they start school and you do all the school stuff and million things to remember on top. And the ferrying them to clubs. And the friendship dramas. And the extra stuff. It is never a walk in the park

I'm currently on mat leave and loving it 🥰 (although some days are TOUGH). This is baby 2 for us and I'm already dreading going back to work when baby turns one (he's 5 months now). I think that's more to do with the thought of having to juggle everything. The only thing I don't agree with is the partner funding it bit...

Presumably you are "paid" in the enjoyment of your child.