To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

I think your seeing a very brief snippet rather then reality. You see mothers out walking together sometimes it is a catch up but a lot of the time it's because babies won't sleep and you need out of the house for your own sanity!

I actually found being at work easier then being on mat leave and I have a stressful job!
There were some nice bits to it but if I managed 1 hot coffee a day then I felt like I was winning at life!

Mine was like that for two out of three babies. Lots of daft baby classes like baby yoga and lots of cafes with friends. Sure I had some sleepless nights but that just meant more sofa cuddle time. I loved it. It was a breeze compared to working full time.

My firstborn was not so idyllic. A very poorly child severe eczema with skin just falling off. Screaming and endless trying antibiotics to clear it which made them ill. Allergic to everything when I started weaning and, projectile vomiting and then viral wheeze on an oxygen tank every time they got a cold. In and out of hospital for the first two years. I snatched some moments of niceness but it was hard. So depends what kind of baby you get.

@gillardd I feel like you should ask a friend/family member who has a child and babysit them for a weekend and then see what it's like.

LOLLL It wasn't like this for me at all. I dreaded it, every day the same. I was bored to tears. I missed the challenges of work and socializing with my co-workers.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those mothers that relished being at home all day with a baby. But daycare and working made me a much better mother. I actually had more energy to do things with/for my DD after working than being at home all day, that sucked the life out of me.

doesn't everyone's life look better when you see them in a cafe?

ha

I had a lockdown baby, so we were at home all the time. My parents were the only people we saw for the first year or so. We didn’t do the cafes / baby groups / mum friends etc… Which actually suited me, I wanted a child, not to be a “mum” or be on a “Mat Leave Journey”. We had a lovely time.

But also, my DH was a wanker at times, my baby screamed all night, wouldn’t nap during the day, breastfeeding was brutal, C-Section recovery was horrendous, I mostly ate biscuits, my house was falling apart, I looked & felt terrible… However I did watch telly, which i never usually have time to do.

I didn’t enjoy Mat leave. I didn’t know many people to stroll around the park with and felt incredibly lonely. I was glad to get back to work both times but at the same time sad to leave my babies. All grown up now almost, 19 and 15. Eldest is 30. I enjoyed his baby months but I was very young and didn’t have a job to be on Mat leave from but did spent time with family & friends before I moved 250 miles away with child no 1 to start my career.

I was so incredibly lucky as yes, my maternity leave was pretty much exactly like this (though only because I had a v easy baby) loved it!

I really hope you get your maternity leave OP. X

I’m five months into Mat leave and I’m struggling big time. It is far from easy. I don’t know how to entertain my little one when he’s awake (I wish he’d be happy with me just cuddling him). He doesn’t sleep (8-10 wakes a night) so I just feel awful all day. Partner definitely can’t afford to fund me!!

I went for lunch in costa today with my pre schooler and baby. If you’d have seen us you’d ok have probably thought we were having a lovely time and we were. But you didn’t see my tears later on trying to get the baby to sleep while managing a whining toddler, the worry over whether I could really justify the £11 we spent on food, the guilt over how little I’ve actually done with my baby today, the guilt over basically everything there is to feel guilty about. And not to mention the anxiety that comes with sleep deprivation.

I do have to say I’m massively enjoying this maternity leave compared to Mat leave one during lockdown but my god it’s still tough and far from a holiday. When people say work is a break, believe them.

Do you know how rubbish maternity pay can be? 😩😂

partner doesn’t magically get more £ cuz you’re on Mat leave. Imagine being even more stretched looking after partner dependent(s) home, shopping, essentials, NAPPIES, food…and with cost of living crisis going on.

when we’re out at cafes looking less zombiefied it’s because we sat there with baby on boob doing make up
changed our sick covered top 3 times
and slap a smile on our faces because it’s nice to not be stuck inside the same 2-3 rooms lol

it IS magical, as much as you make it but it’s a hard thing to go through nevertheless

I work in safeguarding/social work and much prefer to be at work, if that's any help lol.

Seriously though, maternity leave was okay-ish. I loved time with my child and being able to be there for her , especially on days she was unwell. It's so hard being at work and then being borderline grotty/snotty and just wishing you could have the day off to keep them home but knowing that you have to save that for when they are actually unwell. That makes me sad.

My birth was okay, my recovery was fine. I had a lovely NCT group and covid restrictions suited my personality as well in terms of not being touched by others and having to book everything. Breastfeeding eventually took off after a week or so and I did it for 2 years

However I often felt absolutely shattered, run down, isolated , anxious, upset, obsessive, lonely, stupid - despite knowing I wasn't. Baby hormones did not suit me at all!

It's definitely not how you imagine! First baby I had PND, a baby that didn't sleep well and had colic, none of my friends had babies so I was really lonely, partner at work all day, not a lot of money, constant worry about leaving baby and returning to work, overbearing parents and in laws. 2nd baby much better situation, but still hard work and constant dread about returning to work. X

Reality check is needed here

Wow! You are in for a treat if you become a mum. Reality vs expectations are completely different worlds.

Children's centers have been a godsend for me for free entertainment for baby. 5 months is hard as they want to sit up and can't quite yet - have you got a sling? Lots of walking about with baby facing forward (not for too long forward tho)
Entertains them as well as dangling things like scarves and Bells etc over them
For them to reach up and grab. As soon as they're sitting
And crawling
Easier to
Entertain

I found it boring as heck. Cried tears of sweet relief my first day back at work.

No it's not always like that, for example if I was to have another baby I would opt to go back to work part time as soon as possible as it would keep me as sane as possible!!

Yes I can't wait. Being the loser at work with constant sickness for 30 weeks and under performing will be overlooked

@Unexpectedlysinglemum We do visit our children’s centre a fair amount, they are brilliant aren’t they! I’ve only just started using the carrier forward facing but I think he will enjoy that.

I voted YANBU - sure there’s slog and drudgery but there’s also an extended period of time off work for a positive reason. I had my DC in my early 40s and had done 20 years full time work without more than a week or occasionally 2 off at a time, and loved the change of pace and being off the treadmill for a bit. I was self employed so got the minimum mat allowance, started a bit of p/t work again after 6 months but for that time it was so nice not to have deadlines or emails to check. So yes I do get it OP - sorry to hear that you may be unable to have DC, but it’s still (maybe even more so to be kind to yourself) worth thinking about working differently if you can - plan for a sabbatical in the future or consider compressed hours to free up a weekday so you feel a bit less tied. And for you, good luck

Spot on @SnowyPetals

Maternity leave is no holiday as some like to refer it to. What you don't see is the pain and anxiety that goes along with having a baby. Honestly thought my mat leave would be cuddles and nappies but it was isolating and I say that as a introverted homebody 😅 Took my 2 month old to the park after pressure that we were not doing enough ( still couldnt walk after tears from birth and infection) cue bleeding and peed myself 🙈 The rest has been building up my confidence to say no, now wicked witch of in law. Mat leave is not just that it's a huge change in yourself, routine and family dynamics sometimes. Literally life changing experience for me tbh. Oh and as for pay, my work were a standard maternity policy, £150 pw or equivalent to government policy. Most of the time 6 weeks after mat starts your on maternity allowance (even if paid via employer). My wee boy is a dream though, would I do it again- yep.

It depends on the baby. Tbh my maternity leave was just as you describe and one of the best years of my life. I quit to become a sahm because I loved it so much.

I had a lovely maternity leave just like you describe (my maternity pay from my job funded it though, not my partner), once I recovered from the psychotic break induced by childbirth causing me to be sectioned for several months… so swings and roundabouts!!

I’m currently on my second maternity leave (and last) but I have to say I absolutely love it, I also love my job but I love maternity leave more. Yes it has hard days when you are exhausted but I just love pottering about, going for walks etc. Im going to be really sad when I have to go back to work in March.