To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

If you are unable to conceive I’m sorry to hear this. I had fertility struggles and felt everything you’ve said. Reality is slightly different (lack of sleep, wee/poo/sick covered clothes/hair, hair falling out, clothes not fitting, not having a clue what to do) but all those struggles and struggles to have my little one are a thousand times worth it and then to be able to enjoy those nice moments with friends is so special. Although the coffee shops stop happening as soon as the baby starts crawling then you’re at soft play or the park and don’t get a hot drink or time to chat 😂

was nice to not have the stress of work on top of everything else - but honestly we were mostly poor - getting by on SMP for the most part - so had to budget very carefully - i looked like shit cus couldnt get my hair done as often as i'd like - had no downtime to go to the gym or do anything by myself.

expecting number 2 and il be going back to work after 5 or 6 months this time

My SMP was shite and paid for sweet FA, my baby didn’t sleep and I had no family around me. It was really isolating. I would go so far as to say brutal.

It sounds very much like you’re romanticising more over having a baby than about mat leave. They go hand in hand but I don’t think you’re seeing this in a balanced way.

What a journey you had

How is your son now?

Jeez where to start. Idyllic is not the word I would use. First of all the ‘partner/husband funding everything 🤣more like cutting back on everything so you somehow manage to live on less income with an additional small human to feed/clothe/look after. 2. The ‘no work stress’ - having just returned to work after 16 years as a SAHM I would rather have work stress than the stress of being a parent to a child OF ANY AGE - at least you get paid and your achievements are acknowledged. 3. Meeting up with other mums to eat cake - you have no choice unless you want to stay at home all day on your own slowly drowning in crushing loneliness & fatigue / it’s those other mums who save you & help you keep going. As for watching tv all day - 🤣yeah sounds fab -novelty s wears off after a while when you have no money or baby free time to do anything else. And that’s all before you consider the physical & mental carnage pregnancy & childbirth leaves on your body added to the unrelenting exhaustion of sleepless nights with a newborn. If you’re really lucky like me you might also end up with a child who is a terrible sleeper throughout toddlerhood and primary school too - yay! As the parent of two teenagers if I could swap places with you I’d do it in a heartbeat.

😂

It’s mind numbingly boring and repetitive. Weekdays lose all meaning as everyday is the same and there’s no lie in at the weekend.

Yes there’s a lot of tea and cake, but that’s all you’ll manage to eat and half the time you’ll end up leaving it behind as baby is kicking off. Meet ups will get cancelled due to naps. My boyfriend used to make me a packed lunch at the same time as he would do his, I’d have been up at 5am, eaten it by 9am and waiting for the charity shops to open so I could at least go out and do something.

I used to be so tired in the morning that I’d pour cereal in my mug or boiling water in a bowl.

No.

But yes to the second part.

Alert: this user now contains small amounts of umbrage that have been taken from the OP.

As follows:

Although my husband is a good provider, my mat leave pay was generous and I did not rely on husband to “fund things” while I swanned around. No swanning occurred until I felt able to support my choice to have baby.

(Understand that some people (mostly men) would see this as me getting a free ride, but I worked really hard for my mat pay allowance. And I work even fucking harder now.)

Note: I do not judge anyone for doing it differently. I’m talking only about my own experience and related umbrage.

I once took my two toddlers to the park, where they jumped in puddles with cute wellies and coats on. That must have look idyllic from the outside - the photos now certainly look wholesome. What you don’t see is that I was a single mum to two toddlers. The older one was ASC and his potty training was not going well. We are in the park and he actually has no trousers or pants on. We went there because I couldn’t take cleaning up another poo smearing incident - where he would cover his younger brother’s face and every single item in his room in two second flat. Motherhood is not at all what it looks like from the outside.

Im sorry for your infertility, I understand, it took 3 years of fertility treatment and all that involves ( this was after 3 years of TTC naturally) so i know what that ache and yearing is like, I really do.

To be straight- i had a csection and nearly died. I was in hospital 7 weeks. You are then expected to care for a screaming child after major surgery. My husband was very abusive and that ramped right up after birth. This is VERY common. Women are more vulnerable to mental, physical and financial abuse( this comes back to your partner funding everything fantasy)during pregnancy/ childbirth than at any other time.

A women is also most likely to take her own life a year after giving birth than any other time in her life. To be short- If you are VERY lucky it will still be the hardest time of your life, physically, mentally and financially. If you are not lucky- its the 7th circle of Hell.

I really liked it.

But the flip side is that when I’m at work nobody has ever shit in my hair…

This might not go down well, but my first mat leave was lovely, just like that. I had a baby that slept and I got out walking all the time with this happy, settled little baby. It was wonderful! I always remember a colleague saying to me that the first mat leave is special as it's never like that again and she was right!! 🤣

My second mat leave was a haze of sleep deprivation, recurrent mastitis and dreading the nights. I just existed for the first 4 months. It was incredibly hard, but that was just having 2 children under 3, with the second not sleeping and the first being up at 7am every day. It's luck I think!!

I had a lovely time. As well as a boring time, a terrifying time, an exhausting time and a stressful time.

it’s all these things. Plus I got made redundant on the day I returned from mat leave.

Although for many people this isn't their experience it really was mine. I was a single parent and living in a brilliant area with a park, cafes, shops walking distance from my flat. I loved to just bundle the baby into the pram and wander through leafy parks, stop for coffee, wander the shops and buy tat from B&M. It was my most favourite time of life. That baby is now 8 and is great fun, clever, chatty, but much much harder work now we have to factor in school run, work, homework, clubs and her "I know everything" attitude. I struggled to have a baby due to endometriosis and had a miscarriage. Maybe I was just in my bubble and 'living the dream' but it honestly was wonderful.

There were some days where my mat leave maybe looked like that to an outsider. In reality I had horrific undiagnosed post natal depression and anxiety, my husband and I almost separated at one point and it was honestly one of the hardest years of my life. You never really know what's going on behind closed doors.

Both my Mat leaves were like that - lunches/coffee with friends, beach, swanning around, getting my eyebrows done, having massages.
Easy babies, they slept a lot and happy with other people.
it was like a holiday with a tiny new friend who shit on me a lot.
That being said I was back in work FT from 16 weeks and they were then in daycare full time. I live on a tiny island so would have been bored to tears if Mat leave had been a year, and I worked about 2 mins from daycare to could swing by whenever I wanted.
It's not like that for many, but my circumstances and climate allowed it to be.

I did enjoy my maternity leave, truly, I cried when it ended and I still remember it very fondly. But it was the child that made it I suppose. We didn't make it to cafes often as he was very poorly a lot of the time, needed to be held upright almost all the time which meant very limited sleep for us and rotating who was holding (mostly me as I didn't have work but some shifts of OH so I could catch 2 or 3 hours sleep)

I did and still do truly appreciate having been paid fairly for 6 months (after that I had to go back to work) and couldn't have really worked during that time even if we used childcare as I was not getting more than 2 or 3 hours sleep a day.

Towards the end the unwell time got better and the sleep stretches got longer and it really was one of the best times of my life to be honest! The cuddles and the walks and wonders just felt lovely and peaceful and it was a great break from work.

I do get your perspective, though the night sleep deprivation definately means that tv and relaxing is very limited - most with young babies are catching up on sleep or the mass of mess when baby has a nap and looking after them between. But it is a time to be treasured regardless, and really lovely to bond and actually have time

Maternity leave was strange one for me, the last little bit of it was in lockdown. Some days were amazing, purely joyful, but others were pretty relentless. I think it depends on a lot of factors, your financial position, your personality, your babies personality, your support network, how your post birth recovery goes - its a different beast for all of us.

For me, the beauty in motherhood came, when I went back to work part time, I enjoyed being out of the house a bit, but then I enjoyed the days off too, and I had a bit of money to go to cafes and play areas etc. my daughter is 4 now, and we have a lovely little routine and our life is pretty cracking - I couldn't see this far ahead when I was on maternity leave so it felt really bleak sometimes.

😂😂😂😂

Hahahahaha!! Mine didn’t sleep for more than 40mins at a time till nearly a year and a half old. Never slept enough in any 24 hour period for me to have any kind of catch up even adding up those tiny increments of sleep. Screamed so much (late diagnosed health issues). It was brutal. I had no money and was a shivering zombie. I couldn’t even take a shower, never mind go to fun baby classes. Had sod all support as partner left when DD was 2 days old. When she was 2 years old I finally lost our flat as couldn’t afford it any more on my own and savings had run out, despite going back to work early, then got made redundant as wasn’t working well due to exhaustion. Had to move away from what support network there was, to somewhere much cheaper, and find a new job. Anyone who saw us for the short amount of time a day I managed to get her to the park a couple of times a week during mat leave would have thought it looked lovely. It was horrendous.

😂😂😂

Or over your clothes, flooring, furniture in the bath etc…

Few questions for you...

1. How would people know they don't enjoy parenting prior to actually becoming a parent? I have friends who won't say it, but they absolutely hate what their life is now, because its nothing like the rose tinted vision of it they had before.

1. Are people not allowed to enjoy being a parent, but give a realistic view of it to others? I adore my child, I wouldn't be without her. But there are days when I can't take another car rolled over my legs or I desperately need some quiet time because my head is banging and she's decided NOW is the time to sing the Waffle the Wonder Dog song at full volume. Doesn't mean I hate being a parent means I'm human.

1. Have you no concept of different people and different circumstances to you and your own??

Aw honestly for many of us it is not like this. I'm exhausted, running on little to no sleep. I have no time for myself, haven't washed my hair in about a week. I have have older child shouting at me most days and a clingy baby who will only nap being held. My partner is not able to fund it all, we are using savings and not having any luxuries at all currently. It's no sabbatical!

i get you in a way. and it seems unfair that you dont get the benefit of some paid extra time off. Of course you can take a career break or garden leave but its not the same.
But maternity leave isnt all that great in some ways as theres some darned baby hanging off you 😉
I had an out of the ordinary baby experieince and didnt carry my daughter myself, but those 3 weeks off prior to her birth were just as you describe. Once she was here it had a lot of wonderful moments and was a million times better than being at work but it wasnt all fluff and chat