To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

@KimberleyClark yes actually, I had a lot of family and friends with babies so spent time with them, luckily I grew up helping with younger siblings too. Experience and knowledge is very helpful before having children, helps you cope.

having children is not compulsory!

I also loved my maternity leave after a very stressful full time job with an airline I couldn't wait to loose that pressure. I have three boys and though it's not always easy and full of sunshine I really appreciated the time I got to spend at home .
Sorry you are unable to have children if that is something you want .

I can see why you would think that! It does look that way sometimes.

My baby was born premature and we finally left hospital 20 days before his 1st birthday so certainly wasn’t the cute, snuggly maternity leave I’d envisaged! That said, after long NICU and PICU stays I still managed to spend all my mat leave money on Starbucks anyway lol

It is lovely but I have a relatively easy baby (now at 5 months) and a husband that earns well so is able to support us, many people don’t have either of these things! I would also say that the first three months were incredibly hard, your life has been turned upside down by this tiny thing that needs you 24/7 - you never get a break and it is relentless. Establishing breastfeeding with a refluxy baby that wanted to feed constantly is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The reflux also meant the first 8 weeks were hell. The physical recovery from birth/tearing is also horrendous and I’ve been left with incontinence issues.

So you have no idea really of what it may have taken for a mum to be able to get out of the house and be able to face the world for that short snippet of time you see them in a cafe, but I’d say once I was out and about in the early days it was beneficial for my mental health and now I can say that I actually enjoy it!

😂😂😂

Did anyone say it was? 🤔

With my first, my maternity leave was very, very similar to how you described. I did love the next too but with a toddler in tow, it wasn’t as easy.

I actually took a couple of years off and really enjoyed being off too.
I had to go back to work but i’m also glad i did.

I hope you’re ok, OP

I felt like that with my first. Yes I was very very tired but after the first 12 weeks when the physical affects of birth wore off and breastfeeding was established I did a lot of wafting about to cafes and museums, mummy and me yoga classes and meeting friends from NCT
The house was always really clean too as I could pop baby in a sling and get things done

There were hideous moments too when he was colicky though and just screamed endlessly

Then I had more and now my life is exhausting 😂🙈

I’m currently on mat leave with a 7m old, some days mat leave it the best thing ever, some days I’d rather be at work. I’ll admit, it’s nothing like I expected.

Throw in a baby who: hates the pram, hates the cot, hates the car seat, insists on napping in a sling, insists on contact napping, a bit of birth trauma and some feeding issues and it can be rather testing. There are definitely some lovely moments though.

My first baby was absolutely like this. Such a sweet, easy and happy child. Woke up three times a night. I was a nervous wreck and had huge anxiety and pnd and my husband was a complete AH but she was perfect. Then my second came. She's 10 now and still doesn't sleep. She has autism and ADHD. I love her to pieces but OMG 🤣

What an absolutely toxic post

Maternity leave / the baby stage isn't the only aspect of having children. You can enjoy having children without pretending that the whole thing is one idyllic walk in the park

Yes, I didn't enjoy the baby stage as both mine were screamy non-sleepers. I did enjoy the toddler stage, and have enjoyed them overall. I thought MN was for sharing the tough bits. Not just being a " happy mother".

So much can influence your mat leave. It can be incredibly lonely and hard.

But I loved it. Overall it was the best time of my life. I struggled with fertility and I didn't find every aspect of mum life easy but omg I would do it again in a heart beat.

Once I found my rhythm it was amazing, I had 3 under 5 so that rhythm was hard won but it's set the tone for the rest of our time together. We have a ball.

But I had a friend off at the same time with similar age kids. Massive difference to how it goes.

I work in the public sector and get decent mat pay. I think your comments about finance might be a bit uneducated, an unplanned pregnancy on an average wage would give you maybe 7 months pay to save for a baby and then SMP is maybe a third of most peoples salary. And even a planned pregnancy doesn't guarantee that you will have a happy financial picture (save the replies about not having kids you can't afford cause I'm not interested in debating it- things happen. Just look at the interest rate increases, we can't plan to the nth degree for everything)

But overall I loved it. If you see yourself looking at the situation and hoping for the same then I'm happy to hope for the same for you. It's a powerful learning curve but very rewarding. Good luck x

And if you don't have children for whatever reason, I hope you can plan to have some time away from work and enjoy the things you have observed that might bring you some joy too x

@Fallon10 I am with you the autie/adhd combo is something else - evident from when in the womb for me!! Very exciting to say the least. Mine woke me at 4am today!!

I think also some people enjoy parenting as one part of their life but don't enjoy it 24/7. Which I think is fine, it certainly seems to be fine for men..

I did enjoy mat leave overall though I wouldn't say it was idyllic but I was overall happier back at work and having a balance

I got 6 months full pay on Mat leave, and went back after those 6 months, as husband can’t support us of his salary alone. I enjoyed Mat leave, it was a lovely bonding time with my baby. But also healing from birth and dealing with sleepless nights and all that entails was not idyllic - it’s just part of what having a baby is. Changing nappies and barley being able to see from tiredness. Cleaning the house, etc. The bit of the day where I might have coffee and cake with a friend was vanishingly small part of the experience. Like seeing you on lunch break having a salad and listening to a podcast and assuming that reflects life at your job.

Hormones. The HORMONES. You are a slave to your hormones. So no you won’t feel like that.

My three were so much like that that after a stressful work day followed by a race to pick up, make dinner, etc etc I'm sometimes tempted to go a cheeky number 4!! 😂

Chuck in the critical lack of sleep, the constant fear something will go wrong, cracked nipples and painful cluster feeding sessions, constantly being covered in sick and smelling mildly like warm biscuits from your milk, not really knowing who you are anymore and what the fuck is going on half the time, with the emotional breakdowns, the irrational hormonal behaviour, having no money as the pay is soo much less than your salary, separation anxiety, thinking having your baby means you can jog on those same maternity clothes that you wore constantly towards the end of your pregnancy that are now your prison becuase you're still too fat to get back in your people clothes and the odd nice cafe meet up with friends. Also how long is postnatal bleeding? There's C section scars and episiotomy recoveries (depending how you got there in the end) to add to the party as well. It's a walk in the park. 🤣👍

To be fair I lovedthe time with my babies. We are very lucky to have maternity leave, but it's definitely not all lovely coffee shop meets all the time.

Tbh mine was not far off of this. Money was tighter so not going out for lunch and coffee as often as it might seem and there were awful nights where you’re exhausted but 90% of the time yes, it was heavenly. However, I do think I am in the minority and am lucky.
Good birth, no anxiety, Husband very supportive, baby quite chilled, parents, sister and sis in law all live close and came and helped all the time. So it can be ideal if you have a village supporting you and everything aligns.

I am very sorry that you are struggling with infertility, OP. It must be extremely difficult.

However, I do think your view of maternity leave is rather naive. It sounds like you are viewing it as a bit of a holiday, which it absolutely is not. Yes, there are many women who love their matleave, but it's certainly not a "break" and it's not glamorous. Of course it's more enjoyable if you a) have a comfortable financial situation b) have an "easy", contented baby and c) have a good social network and plenty of support. But I think that experience is the rarity.

For me, my maternity leave meant feeling desperately unfulfilled, bored, lost, frustrated and irrelevant. I went from being someone with a brain, who could problem-solve and make stuff happen, to a total nobody whose only purpose in life was to produce milk, change dirty nappies and do endless laundry. I couldn't do anything for myself and my time alone or with my husband was incredibly limited. My baby would scream at me when I tried to feed her and then would scream at me if I gave up on trying to feed her. I spent hours standing in my underwear at home, desperately rocking my child and trying to get my boob in her mouth because that was the only way she would feed. I frequently left the house in the morning for a pram nap without having eaten or had anything to drink, because I had been unable to put the baby down for long enough. I spent hours walking around the park trying to induce a nap while feeling like I might pass out. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. It did get better over time, but I was so much happier when, at 7 months, I went back to uni to do a masters. I felt like I got myself back at that point.

I'm not trying to be unkind here, and I'm not discounting the fact that some women do experience the matleave you describe. But if your only window onto matleave life is watching well-off middle class mummies sitting in cafés with their quiet, contented, Jojo-clad babies, sipping lattes and chatting to their friends, then you're bound to think the grass is greener. You've seen the tiniest snapshot of motherhood, presented to you by the very small percentage of women who were able to get out and about that day and could afford the lifestyle you are describing.

I’m sorry you’re in pain regarding not having children.
But surely as an adult, you understand that things aren’t what it seems on the outside?

i was on matleave for 16months. My pregnancy and labour were very bad, both me and DS nearly died. I had severe PTSD and hallucinations.

i used to be the mums you admired sat in coffee shops. On the inside, I was dying, struggling. Couldn’t even remember how to hold a a knife and fork as that’s how mentally damaged I was. DS was sleeping only if held, meaning I wasn’t sleeping. DH and I were fighting all the time, as most couples do when your life gets blown up by a baby you have to keep alive.

on top of the c section and unable to move much, that coffee break that looks ideal to you, was just my escape because I didn’t want to cuddle my baby due to my trauma.

that coffee break you admired? I was sitting there thinking, did I make a mistake, why cant i just die, why did this happen..
that coffee break you admire? I just finished cryin to my therapist so i didnt end up jumping in front of a train because i felt unworthy of being a mother due to my own mother abusing me as a child.

my advise to you? Grow up…

@Miamonthly my auntie suggested one of those fancy prams for “daily jogs with the baby”….she has a cleaner 4 days a week, gardener, sends her laundry away each week, and uses hello fresh 😂 I’m reekin of jealousy obviously!

I remember the daily struggle of sickness/ poop over the cute little outfit before heading out and ended up being a sweaty mess rushing into baby sensory or massage, then having little one want to nursery/ sleep/ cry/ crawl during the full class! It does get easier to get out the door the older they get, but it’s not as simple as ‘keys, phone, wallet’