To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

@GallowwayGirl88 you made me laugh! Have people come across the pram running Mummies??

You know the groups where they come out in the dead of winter, cladding post partum bodies in Lycra. And then run around the park pushing prams with little ones en masse….

Somebody suggested this to me 5 months in, after stunned shock I politely declined… I am still waiting to have time to go to the gym as and when I want!!

I would be so interested to know the mode of feeding for the Mum’s who had amazing maternity leaves.

There’s quite a divide, if you bottle feed DH and whoever else can help, getting a break to get your hair done or have you time is easy. If BF it’s just you and your little shadow. Very bonding, but utterly knackering the first 4 months. I enjoyed it hugely when it got to feeds every 4-6 hrs and appreciated not having to worry about bottles/sterilisation and all that faff.

I absolutely loved my maternity leave and wish it could have lasted longer or that I could have been a SAHM for a few years while my daughter was little.

Mine was mostly over the spring and summer so I would take her out on walks in the pram. I popped into work one afternoon for a colleagues leaving lunch and it was lovely to see my work friends but then bugger off after the buffet to enjoy the rest of the afternoon instead of being stuck behind a desk.

If she had a nap and I felt tired I would nap too. Otherwise I would do housework or read a book. It was ten months of bliss.

Sure, there were middle of the night wake ups in the early days but they weren’t so bad as I didn’t have to function at work with sleep deprivation. Of course, there were days where she just WOULD NOT STOP CRYING but honestly it sure did beat when I went back to work and had to juggle everything.

I should add that she was an easy baby and I only had one - but those ten months were fantastic.

Also @GallowwayGirl88

You are SO right about the judgement over breastfeeding or not you can do no right!! Experienced this 100%

And everyone can relate to the escape the house drama, like every day is going on a mini break as you have to “pack a bag” everytime you go out the door.

I remember having a baby sensory class. Kid was beautiful, all clean and gurgling. Morning feed done. Went to go and pack the baby bag. Came down and child had reflux sick all over, had rubbed in hair for good measure… + poonami nappy leak… brought upstairs threw a towel on the bed, (changer out of action from earlier drama) baby in the middle, cushions arranged. Went to get clean clothes. By which point child had pulled the towel down and vommed over the duvet.

Delighted and feeling much better, in great form the rest of the day. But I gave up on going out. Those who make it to the cafe deserve their cake!!

Compared to being back at work full time with a toddler, maternity leave is lovely. I look back on it with rose tinted glasses and there were some beautiful moments. In reality money worries, relationship issues and PTSD from a traumatic birth all tainted every day of mine at the time.

You're probably looking at a very, very, very minority of people here. I was on maternity leave with newborn twins and a 3.5yo. I was miserable. Maternity pay is pittance and my husbands average 40k income was supposed to support a family of 5, newborn twins on 4 tubs of formula a week, hundreds of nappies etc. I had severe PND, cried multiple times a day, didnt leave the house for weeks. It was the worst experience of my life and I couldnt wait to go back to work after 10 months. If I had to leave my job, I probably wouldnt be here right now due to serious mental health issues. I wish maternity leave was a breeze but it really isnt

Mine possibly looked that way from the outside, but largely, no, it was quite a difficult, exhausting and upsetting time.

I had no money worries, so yes, I did spend a lot of time in cafes.

However...

My baby didn't sleep. Ever. I was so tired I developed a stutter. I literally couldn't get my words out.

I had no family support, so had nobody to take the baby while I got a few hours sleep.

I substituted sleep with caffeine and sugar. So I put on a huge amount of weight. In the early days I would walk with the pram for miles but I was so tired I was like a walking zombie, and the walking wasn't enough to offset the cake and Pepsi calories I was consuming. I still haven't managed to shift that weight.

The "friends" I was in cafes with weren't real friends. They were people I had been flung together with because we'd had babies at the same time. It was superficial, there was no real support there. It was lonely.

I always thought it looked lovely from the outside as well, Op, and I think for some people it is. But certainly not all.

Insta vs Reality

You've romanticised it tbh

You think wrong. And I’m assuming you don’t have children.

When you’ve had a tough pregnancy, a bad birth, episiotomy, forceps, huge blood loss, a long hospital stay, breastfeeding failure, a useless DH, no near family, PND, a breakdown and all in a rented house please feel free to come back to us and tell us how easy you found it.

Oh, and DS was a terrible sleeper until we sleep trained at 7 months as I was cracking up.

Did you even read the OP, @VestaTilley ? Because if you did and posted that anyway, it was remarkably cruel.

Hahahahaahaha. That’s all I have to say.

My employer only paid statutory maternity pay which is roughly £600pm and my DH isn’t well paid so I returned to work when my youngest was two months old. I work a four day week which includes a weekend day so it may appear to outsiders that I’m enjoying a maternity leave like you describe when in actual fact it’s just a day off during the week where I’m desperately trying to spend time with my last baby.

Appearances are deceiving.

My daughter had severe reflux and food allergies reacting to breastmilk. I had severe depression and pyschosis. Combined at least one of us was crying at some point every hour of the day.
By the end of my mat leave I was too unwell to return to work and took an additional 3 months off sick but I could hold it together for the 1h of walking in the park with friends and a coffee.

I thought this too. I used to see mums walking about with prams in a state of domestic bliss and feel quite sad (fertility issues).
When I eventually had mat leave I realised that loads of them had probably just been walking around like zombies because they’d been up all night with the baby.
I did enjoy mat leave but I remember thinking many times during it that on the whole it was actually harder than work. It was a 24 hour non stop job and depending on baby temperament, breast feeding, labour recovery etc it can really be quite tough.

Some moments are like this, but a lot of moments are of despair, tears, drowning in chores, battling sleep deprivation. Mat leave is tough but has also the best year of my life. It’s amazing but not all sunshine and rainbows

Way to lower the mood...crikey! 😆

@gillardd my maternity leave was very much like that. My husband is hands on and mainly wfh. I received 100% pay for my year leave.

I'm back at work and will be starting my next maternity leave later this year.

Granted some people have 💩 maternity leave and pay but there are many of us who have a great time.

Sorry you can't have biological children if that's what you wanted.

I’m a solo mum to twins and I bloody loved mat leave. I only did six months (I actually could have afforded more I just didn’t realise how little I’d spend so I arranged to go back to work and felt like I had to stick to that). It wasn’t easy but it was easier than my job (teacher) and I loved the lack of expectation. I felt like I was superhuman if we all got dressed and went out for a coffee! I also loved seeing my teeny tiny humans turn into people with personalities. The years after I went back to work until they went to school were hardcore and I now have no idea how I survived them!!

This sums it up perfectly

I don't have kids like yourself and understand what you mean. I have been through 3 failed IVF attempts in the past 18 months. When I see families out and about on a weekend enjoying family time it looks lovely and like everything I'm missing out on. I imagine it's how you feel about maternity leave. It's easy to scoff at your comments but people show the best side of things and you don't tend to see the hard bits.
When you want something it's easy to look at it with rose tinted glasses and feel like you're missing out.

Thanks @Summermeadowflowers. I think it might be the most obnoxious post I have ever read on MN, and that is really saying something.

Sorry you are going through all this with IVF @DopeyS it is so incredibly stressful. I didn’t get to that stage but did go through multiple miscarriages, it is really hard.

I think that’s the thing it is rose tinted - you see the Mum’s out whenever they have a good day or are putting a brave face on it. You don’t see them weeping in the nursing chair at 2am.

Whenever I was ttc it felt like the whole world was pregnant and having a glorious time…. My friends didn’t tell me about the hard parts of pregnancy and it’s impossible even with anecdotes to grasp the newborn era without experience of it.

My retrospective opinion on the whole time is that I wish I had been kinder to myself, gone on more holidays, more dates with DH, more time with friends, more lie ins, embraced more of what life had to offer to a woman in her then late 20s. Rather than be absorbed by fertility worries, babies, and just making myself utterly miserable, despondent and withdrawn.

This is as I find myself now really missing the person that I was and what I had. I get up at 5.30am now and rarely get to sleep before midnight. Everything that I do is for other people, and there isn’t much leeway for that to change. The baby time was fleeting by comparison to this.

By no means ungrateful, but was in no way prepared for the amount of self sacrifice required as a mother.

I don’t know if any of that helps you to cope with the situation you are in now. I know it is grim. But give yourself all the love you can and enjoy all you can xxx

Thank you @Miamonthly . It is hard seeing it all but I've tried to be as positive as possible about it. I don't want to feel like I miss out on enjoying life by not living in the now and thinking about what could have been. I'm in my late 30s so feel like there's less time. I have friends who are very open about how difficult having children can be.

Definitely not idyllic. I love my son but the lack of money, independence & ‘me time’ was awfully hard for me to get used too. Yes husband funds most of the bills etc but SMP does not go very far at all. Also have no idea how to navigate childcare costs in order to be able to earn a bit more!

@DopeyS I was told I would need a hysterectomy before 30 at 25, so completely get how you feel with time pressures, though I was younger. Your whole body is sensitised to anything pregnancy related and you see babies everywhere, it almost feels personal.

I’m a similar age to you now, and would very much like another baby, but with having one child already with disability I have two fears - that a further child would be similar, and coping with a new baby and commitments as they are.

I see a lot of pregnant women now and I genuinely feel sad. But I don’t have time to throw myself into depression about it now, so I just sort of accept and move on. As much as I would love another it’s tough, and they grow up so fast.

Fertility Acupuncture really helped me at the time, the nicest lady so hugely supportive. I remember going and I was 15yrs younger than everyone coming through the door with their extraordinarily expensive handbags!! It helped me to feel centred each week and just relax.

I would also advise to not get strung up to the moon about what doctors say - they were entirely wrong about me.