To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

@Boymum2104

Check out turn2us, they have a calculator to help you work out what’s best for you.

You could get tax free childcare or UC towards childcare, even if both of you are working.

Citizens advice can help too. Remember to apply for child benefit as well asap.

@LambMomo I know exactly what you mean! Both of mine only napped 30 mins during the whole day! Beyond exhausting. Especially as I had a husband who was either working away all week or out of the house 6am to 7pm. So I basically brought them up on my own. We had no family near and no friends because we moved north when my first born was less than a year. It was an awful time and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It was the loneliest time of my life.

Yep, it was pretty much like this for me! Probably why I did it 4 times!

Honestly, I know I’ll be shot down for this, but I adored maternity leave with all three of mine, and yes felt exactly like you describe. I feel very lucky. Aware it sounds so smug, would never say it in real life, but it’s true. Not saying there weren’t struggles and issues, there always are with anything, but I had fairly easy babies (toddler years less so!!), we were ok financially, I’d gone through a period of thinking kids wouldn’t happen for us- and then they did- and yes it was pretty amazing.

I loved maternity leave and really appreciated being able to spend time at home with my baby. It wasn't always easy but it was easier then working and parenting.

I loved mine. I miss those days so much. Halcyon days.

Oh sweetie it's not like what you think, and the "pay" is like £700 a month max, your vag is battered and bruised and some people have complications some done. I took 5 months to heal, still up my make up up and faked the happy cafe and walk around so I didn't sink into a Balck hole of depression. Then childcare is your months wage.... hope people haven't been too mean

It sort of is like that. I love it and my baby is dream, yes she’s up in the night but I haven’t got to work, so we nap in the day.

I worked a very stressful job and was high earner but I’ve stopped now for my maternity leave and I don’t receive any maternity pay. My husband doesn’t bring in any income yet.

So I’m trying to enjoy maternity leave but it’s clouded by the stress of loosing so much money being off and it all coming to an end all too soon.

@Dontworkmondays

curious, are you bf?

how is your dh not bringing in any money?

Yes exclusively,
He has a start up and property investments. Equity and assets but no cash basically. We have relied solely on my income for past 5 years.
It's scary to be bringing household income to zero in this economy.
I will be taking 5 months leave and then go back to work 2 days per week for foreseeable future.

Come on. You know you're being unreasonable. You only see the nice bits. I bet there's nice parts of your day where you are sat having a cup of tea... be a bit shit if someone based their view of what you do in general on only that. 'Oh I'd love her job, all she does is sit and drink tea!'
You've not seen the endless crying, the physical issues, the being torn front to back whilst giving birth and not even being able to walk down the road for months, standing over your baby watching it breathe coz you're paranoid to distraction about SIDS, the rows with your partner about whose more tired, feeling like shit about your body, just crying randomly about nothing alk the time because you are hormone unhinged, the loneliness and isolation of not having a proper adult conversation for days at a time, feeling like your body isn't your own because something constantly needs it and is grasping for it, not really being able to go anywhere interesting or further away than 30mins because of how stressful it is with a newborn, one tit swelling up to twice the size of the other, leaking tits, passing yourself when you sneeze, insomnia, feeling like you'll never by yourself again, your self esteem slipping away because all you do all day is make noises at a baby and it's hard even tho many people just think it's nothing as opposed to your job where you felt valued for your intellect and skill and got paid decent money, constant laundry...
I mean obviously there's a lot of lovely moments too but you are tripping if you think it's some kind of easy paradise. It's necessary because that is a hard hard period of time for most women, physically and emotionally.

I found maternity leave incredibly easy and that was with 3 babies in 3 years who woke up at 5am and had two 30 minute naps a day until bedtime. So much better than work. And I don’t even particularly like babies either!

I hope the replies haven’t been too brutal for you OP and I’m so sorry you can’t have children if you want them. 💐

I’m self employed so was only entitled to SMP at a ridiculous low rate for 9 months; we worried about money the whole time, husband was never here as had to take on all work he could get and he works away. I didn’t spend much time titting about in cafes eating cake but some of my best memories are going to the parent and baby screening at the cinema and DD would amazingly sleep through the whole film and wake up right after. After three months my she mostly slept through the night which gave me some sanity back. She was a contact baby so in a sling on me all the time. I used to sit down on sofa for her big afternoon nap when not at the cinema once a week and I rewatched Buffy in its entirety. Very happy and joyful parts. & I loved having that bonding time with her.

But all the stress of being a new parent and worrying and many times up all night because she’d be crying or ill (there was a 10 day hospital stint for sepsis where she nearly died in that mat leave 😱) and feeling isolated and like my brain was atrophying without work. Like anything, good & bad, but I have to say newborn days & the first six months were a magical time and they went by too quickly. I’d have loved a year’s maternity leave funded by a partner but that was not to be.

I totally understand where you’re coming from OP. It’s not all cafes and friends and cakes but it’s an immense privilege to spend time looking after a much-wanted baby.

Naive or ignorant?

I was dealing with PND and severe incontinence during mat leave, so no.

Given that I'm replying to this at 4am you can imagine my response....
I have found it (both times) incredibly hard and incredibly lonely. Sleep is absolutely the thing that makes the difference. If you are getting some sleep then yes swanning about coffee shops or snuggling on the sofa with baby is all lovely. If you are not getting sleep it is hell. on. earth.

I cant believe 75% of people are saying YABU!

Maternity leave was the best time of my life

Why are all these people having children if they don't want to spend their time looking after them?

I don't think Mumsnet is representative of the population as a whole - It is somewhere where unhappy mothers turn to, whereas happy mothers just get on with enjoying life.

People who don't enjoy parenting really should not be having children. It is no good for anyone to bring unwanted children children into the world - no good for the children either

But if you don't have children, OP, you have a lot more freedom than those mothers you see in the cafés. You only have to earn money for yourself and you can work as long or as little as you like. You shouldn't be suffering at a job you don't like.

No this is not how it is. What you're describing is the highlights reel and I'm sure if a mum of three little ones was to look at your life they'd be able to be envious as well and describe the highlights reel on here entitled 'was I right to have children when I have no sleep, put other people's needs before myself all the time, and no money as it's all spent on childcare?'

Parts of maternity leave are lovely, just like you're describing that you enjoy your job. But parts are stressful just like you're describing your job. You don't see the multiple night time wakings, the tantrums to get out the door, the worry if they're ill or need medical intervention, the never ending chores that consistently need done each day to keep everyone happy and healthy. You see the 'we managed to get out the house because I've dealt with the above so everyone is pretty happy and everything is better with fresh air' parts.

Please don't carry the envy with you.

Hi OP,

Im really sorry re you probably not being able to have kids, that’s very hard.

From my own experience I’d say maternity leave for most people is an overall positive experience. There are many exceptions as alluded to here.

I also have a stressful job & it takes over my whole life. my strong advice to you is to look at getting out of yours.

Pile of shit (literally) having a baby. Your own life grinds to a halt as you give everything to a your baby. But then I really liked my job, and my pre baby life. That all said, having a baby/child is also the most important and loveliest thing I’ve done. It’s an utter contradiction.

My first mat leave was a very sad time for me. I spent that time traumatised with a baby who cried near enough constantly and never slept. I was extremely depressed and couldn’t think past the hour I was in.

This time around has been so different. My baby sleeps and he is very relaxed. I am enjoying it and don’t feel as though I am struggling through the days. It’s really lovely, actually.

I completely understand your observations, it does seem wonderful and it is for many women. It must seem even more idyllic if it’s something you really want. It is equally important to remember though, that for many it is a very hard and oftentimes lonely period of their lives. Remembering that it may not be plain sailing helps to keep your expectations realistic so that if you do fall pregnant you won’t be blindsided if you have a hard baby!

I hope it happens for you one day if that’s what you want OP, and I hope you get the experience I had second time around, it makes such a difference 😊

Maternity leave was the best time of my life too, so much so I’ve had 3 (2 under 2) I enjoy work to an extent but it’s been lovely to have a break from it and just be with my children.

Yes it’s tiring and hard to manage the finances but I don’t think it was as bad as people made out to me when I was pregnant. Some of the stories had me petrified but I found the opposite!

Nope. Absolutely bored out of my mind, exhausted. They need pretty constant attention (or mine did) from the moment you wake up (if you sleep). I skipped back to work. I’m definitely not a small baby person. I loved it once she could walk and talk though.