To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

It's 4 days!!!!!!

Honestly you'd think was a 6 month trip by some of these replies.

I've just got back from a 13 day trip to Asia and I'm so thankful my DH doesn't react like some people on here!

That would really piss me off. On Friday night when you're clearing up all the mess the children have made under your FIL's supervision, he and his boss will be having drinks and dinner and a nice relaxing evening. He still could have said to his boss, "It's OK, I need to get home on Friday night" and changed his flight.

It’s a 1 off and your 100% overreacting

Would you really resent your partner having some down time and an enjoyable evening?

Honestly I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. Most people in corporate jobs have to travel from time to time, when I read the title I thought you meant he was going to be abroad for 6months.
Back to your situation:

• from the timings, tour FIL will only be home with your DC for 1h so not sure how much mess they will create.
• having to do bedtime on your own: don’t you/your DH already do that when one of you is going out? Sorry but I don’t see what the big deal is.
• the Saturday am: yes it is annoying to have to entertain DC2 for 1h but nothing out of the ordinary. How do you manage train journeys, waiting rooms, etc? Just do the same. Or get out of the car and let him run around. HOWEVER your DH could tell his boss that he has commitments on Sat morning and that actually he needs to be back on Friday eve, surly they can change the tickets.

Bottom line, I think you are over-reacting and I would be really annoyed if I were your DH.

I feel sorry for your fil mainly as you seem to assume the times he helps are totally at your discretion and he'll always be expected to be there when you need him.

Tbh if it's a one off trip, just get through it. It does seem that you're making a mountain out of a molehill, for example at the idea of having to entertain your own child for an hour out of the house. If it's turning into a regular thing , and it's as difficult to cope with as you describe, then you need as a family to get some proper paid childcare in place.

🤣🤣 You think OP should go and lay down the law to his boss . Good one . He is not five .

Totally agree I’d love to have parents help

Can you imagine a woman telling her boss " change the flight, I need to go home on Friday night to do the dishes, my husband can't handle the kids " 😂😂

This is total bullshit. I can't think of any time where my boss has ever decided what time it's convenient for me to travel without first checking with me.

I would bet a month's salary thay the boss checked with him, and your DH said the Saturday was fine.

YABU, it’s his work, it’s not like he has a choice! My DH works away which wasn’t part of his job before we had DC, but jobs evolve. If he needs to be somewhere for first thing Monday he will sometimes leave on Sunday afternoon despite only working Mon-Fri, but that’s life!

I would be annoyed at your DH's boss rather than your DH unless you suspect that he was asked if he would prefer to fly back on Friday rather than Saturday. DH had a boss like this when our DC were young and it used to wind me up. The boss had older children and his wife didn't work so it wasn't an issue for him but he didn't seem to get the fact that not everyone's circumstances are the same. At least your FIL helps though.

so?

According to the OP:
-they didn't have plans
-the OP is not forced to cancel anything because again, no pre-existing plan
-the OP is not forced to change her work schedule to rush to pick up, her FIL is doing that anyway

In short, the OP will be home with her 2 kids. Like any normal parent.

WHY would Saturday not be fine exactly?

I totally get why you're annoyed but you're behaving pretty poorly. It's his job.

Seething will just make you feel worse.
Upside, you get a whole bed to yourself.

I think the DH is the one assuming the FIL will be able to help.

I understand your fury.

Your dh needs to make it clear he can't do this again.

No I can’t frankly it’s risible isn’t it
also, can you imagine the lambasting she’d get on here is she started a thread on it

”My friend and I have fallen out . I told her to f* off because she said I was a subservient relic from the fifties. ( I told my boss I couldn’t stay an extra night on the important work trip because my husband couldn’t keep on top of the children and the house without me) AIBU?”

If you were a man and were moaning about your wife going on a work trip because it meant you were left with everything alone, you’d get absolutely hounded into the ground.

It’s going to be hard and stressful but that’s life. My husband goes away with work, I’m a SAHM to one ND 7 year old and it’s hard when he does this! But I have to just get on with it.

The boss is the most unreasonable one here. But YABU too because it’s not your husband’s fault and you’ll work it out. Loads of solo parents work full time and they just do all this alone. You’ll be fine.

Bloody hell, the drama.

Two things I'm a lone parent with a full on career I have to outsource a lot of stuff, that's life. If this is going to be the new normal get a decent child minder in place and a regular cleaner.

Equally if I can't do something I just say, so your DH could have said sorry I need to fly back Friday night.

You’re over reacting. I do t mind if my DP is away a few days. Just buy in easy food. Make the kids tidy up after them selves, hide any messy stuff you’d rather they did play with and you can clean the house when he is back.

Could someone else take to drama club? Or just don’t go.

seconded. It definitely probably feels like you can't do without your partner for some things, but you can and will be fine. I'd see if you can negotiate some time to yourself Sunday to relax, if you'd like it.

If it was a weekly thing I think you'd be reasonable to say "this isn't what we agreed" but a one off, or even sporadically throughout the year I don't think its much of an issue....Do neither of you ever take sole responsibility for the children while the other is off enjoying alone time/time with friends?

This sounds like a lot of drama over nothing. Your FIL has, by the sounds of it, stepped in to cover drop offs and pick ups so I’m struggling to see what the additional burden is to to you- putting the kids to bed alone for four evenings and tidying up some additional toys after they’ve gone to bed?

It's Mumsnet, of course she would.

It makes no sense to wait until Saturday if the meeting finishes until 2pm - that is so early - unless purpose is to enjoy a night away. I would bet money that the boss checked it with your husband first. If they both stay, it probably justifies the extra night away on expenses. In which case your partner should have said been honest that he has an opportunity for a free relaxing/fun night away and asked if you could cover - and it would have been nice for you to say yes as it is a good opportunity and you have support from FIL, but then you agree that you will get the same opportunity sometime and he takes more of the slack the following week. If, which I highly doubt, the boss arranged it without checking, I can't see any reason why your partner couldn't say 'sorry, got plans on Sat, I'll need to change it to friday eve'. I expect he didn't ask as assumed you'd say no.