To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

I kept waiting for the part of the story where he actually took a job that worked away and required him to have a second home. If not that, then the part of the story where he took a job that required travel 3 out of every 4 weeks.

this is a few days on a work trip. It isn’t even a frequent occurrence at his job. You even have help available in the form of FIL which is amazing.

If that help isn’t sufficient, then your DH should look at hiring additional help for you. Someone to assist fil in wrangling the kids and keeping the mess in check seems the obvious choice. Any teenagers about who want a mother’s helper type gig for a few days?

I also feel you’re being unreasonable you post like caring for your kids is a chore you are loathe to do , and give no thanks to your fil. In addition I’ve no idea what’s going on that your child trashes the house, is there additional needs is that it? Is that why you can’t cope?.

Or are You really so exhausted from your job that you can’t cope with normal parenting like feeding or bathing your child?

id get your point if this was regular, but it’s not.

It was a genuine question because you seemed to imply that your life was really hard work even with your devoted double act set up. So before I wrote what I am about to I thought it best to check….

Four times a year for what short periods of time is not regular solo parenting and you are being completely precious. Pretty much like the OP.

hope that’s clear enough!

Why?
It's highly likely the FIL enjoys spending time with his grandchildren.
Why are people encouraging the OP to punish her DH for doing his job?

I think as you've said it's a one off, happens rarely throughout the year and that he has no control over it, YABU. Its not his fault and sometimes work gets in the way, but it does pay for the lifestyle you presumably like?

And, by the sounds of it, usually he does a lot of the dropping off, picking up, settling in, tidying up because of your hours. On top of his own job. This is part of marriage. Sometimes you pick up more, sometimes he does. You support each other to further your careers and you jointly raise your children.

In this case, it sucks its been extended but that's just what it is. Suck it up.

Thanks for your opinion, it’s been completely disregarded!

Hope that’s clear enough!

A temporary nanny to avoid doing bath time and bed time of your own kids? Seriously?

This - just adjust your expectations, maybe get a cleaning service for one of the days if a messy house is stressing you out so much. I understand, I don't like when my dh is away as our lives are also set up for two parents working FT and shared responsibilities including a child w SEN, but we've no family help. If something unexpected pops up it throws things off balance by a lot. I don't think it sounds like it's your DH's fault though, and it's his father who will be helping, so sounds like you need to lower your standards for the week, let some things slide and just suck it up.

I can see why it’s annoying and it will be a heavy week, but you have support from in-laws, and it’s only a one off. Being furious with DH and not speaking to him for days seems way over the top to me.

Both DH and I have both had to work away in the past, often for full weeks, or weeks in a row, and with no family within a couple of hundred miles. It’s rough for the one at home, but we just got on with it.

It always amazes me how many people don’t seem to work as a team. I assume your DH picks up/drops off the kids on your long days? Pulls his weight? Shares the load?

travelling for work isn’t exactly fun, in my experience it’s knackering. Doesn’t sound like he had much control over the bookings and it’s one week out of 52. Childish and unreasonable to stop speaking/be cold because of it.

surely pulling together would make the situation better, give fil some guidance on what to do with the messy kids (as well as thanks an gratitude). It’s 5 days not 5 months.

just glad I’m not one of their husbands.

i’d be looking for regular night or weekend shifts in my local abattoir just to get away from them never mind a once in a blue moon work trip abroad. the sheer bastarding temerity of those employers who pay them a probably very good salary.

only team working when it suits.

YABU. It's a one off. Have a takeaway one night. Leave some of the tidying up for Sunday when your husband is home. Don't go to drama, or do go but go for a drive and find something you could do with your other child.

Lots of options to make your life a bit easier

I would bet my house that OP's DH and boss had a conversation about this before booking flights, and that they were both in agreement that coming back on Saturday rather than Friday was a jolly good idea....

@Whiskeypowers is crazy.
If the roles were reversed nobody would be suggesting her DH hires a nanny in this this situation.

I would bet my house that OP's DH and boss had a conversation about this before booking flights, and that they were both in agreement that coming back on Saturday rather than Friday was a jolly good idea.....

And there's nothing wrong with that. It's one of the perks of travelling. It's nice to actually see the place you've travelled to! Even if it's just a night out.

Sorry- Tuesday to Saturday with your FIL helping out? A bit of a pain I agree but it's a work trip. Them's the breaks. And

I do not think you’re unreasonable at all OP. My husband and I have a similar situation. I’ve married him because I don’t want to be married to someone that takes long trips away as I also have a full time career. I would defo try and schedule some time off on that Saturday and Sunday so that you don’t burn out. It’s the least you deserve.

I don’t think YABU for finding the situation annoying. I think YABVU for freezing your husband out and creating a terrible atmosphere at home, what’s that achieving? Absolutely nowt apart from your kids feeling shit.

The Tuesday is unavoidable. Has he pushed back on the Friday?

The rest if your post is just unnecessary dramatics It’s 4 days. Aye, it’s a pain in the arse, but your FIL seems to be taking on a good chunk of the burden here, but you’re crying about tidying up after him? And working seemingly normal hours? I don’t get it.

Howay man, it’s a couple of bedtimes to do solo and a few toys to tidy up. Not ideal but the absolute hysteria of you saying you wouldn’t have married him if you knew it would be like this is ridiculous.

That is such a nonsensical reply because you evidently were bothered enough about my view on you in to take me to task for it in the first place.

let’s hope you never have do have to hold down a lifestyle and hold up a set of standards on your own as a parent: it seems to be seems to be beyond your mind scape and scope of practice for four occasions a year never mind the rest of the time. Think that’s one thing we do agree on.

YABU. It's a one off!

Sorry by if the roles were reversed comment was that people would rightly say the husband was being uncooperative and verging on abusive with the silent treatment.
the suggestion of hiring a nanny is frankly batshit whatever the sex (not gender)

Totally agree @Whiskeypowers!

I had a similar issue with my DH last year. I was super pissed off about it and I let him know. I would just say that you’ve told him how angry you are and now you have to get on and live with this trip. If you have a good relationship your DH will know, and make it clear to his boss that in future he cannot be away for this period of time because he has family commitments. I think your DH should have been more firm with his boss, maybe his boss should not be booking the flights in future?!

If the trip being extended to this level is a one off then yes YABU. It’s happening, be thankful you have the help of your FIL and shake it off. It does come across as ungrateful and entitled. In reality my boss has made similar assumptions before but you just crack on and suck it up.

and if a fantastic opportunity involving one, or god forbid a couple, business trips was offered to you?

Would you just point blank refuse, missed out on something interesting, but make sure you come home at the agreed time like a good wifey?

We are not talking of accepting a job on a off-shore oil ring, but literally being away from home for a few nights. With in-law on hand to help!