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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

428 replies

Wellwellw · 16/10/2023 09:31

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

OP posts:
TheOctomyTober · 16/10/2023 13:13

I think you're a teacher is that right? If so, when's your half term?

I think its fine to feel annoyed and overwhelmed by a big busy week ahead.

It's not ok to be annoyed with your husband for having to go on a work trip, esp as it's a one off.

I'd make the week as easy as possible and have quick and easy food and skip drama class.

I find the point scoring posters suggesting spa days and husband tidying up on his arrival so odd. Who behaves like that in a marriage?

UndercoverCop · 16/10/2023 13:14

As a one off I'd let it go, I have a meeting coming up about 4 hours away for two days so will be travelling up on the Wednesday after work (I could go very early Thursday but it would be stressful) , the being finishes Friday afternoon. It's close ish to an old friend who moved away, I suggested I might catch up with her after and come back later Friday or Saturday morning. DHs response was why not make a weekend of it and come back Sunday.
He also works FT in a very stressful profession, and our patients live an hour and an hour and a half away so not around for pick ups etc. I don't travel much in my job anymore so it isn't to be expected that I'll go to work Wednesday morning and not come back until Sunday, but sometimes one of us picks up the slack so the other can do what they want/need.

Mothership4two · 16/10/2023 13:16

If this is a one-off trip I wouldn't think twice about it and would work through it (with FIL help).

But then I am an ex-Forces wife who juggled being alone but getting sons to school and early morning and after school clubs for months at a time during their childhood, so my perspective will be somewhat different to yours OP!

peachgreen · 16/10/2023 13:17

Yeah, I used to get stressed and annoyed about this kind of stuff until I became a lone parent. Now I'm embarrassed that I ever did. Juggling parenting and work is just a way of life for a lot of us, and having to do it a couple of times a year because your partner has to go away for work is something you just have to suck up (and be grateful you're not doing it full time!).

DitheringBlidiot · 16/10/2023 13:19

I don't think it's the end of of the world for one trip. If it was all the time I can see how you could come to be resentful of it.

Forget about the housework while he's away, just worry about work and your children.

You can then both do housework on Sunday surely?

Ohhbaby · 16/10/2023 13:19

Wellwellw · 16/10/2023 09:43

Did speak to him, I was just a cold because the 2 day trip somehow transformed into five and I wasn’t expecting that.

Show quote history

Ahh I have to say I find it so immature and out of order for a spouse to effectively discipline their husband or wife like they are their mother. You think you have some moral high ground to justify giving your husband the cold/silent treatment. Mann, it's not right in the best of times, but when it's a work trip? Sometimes I can just thank the Lord for the husband I have. Who doesn't discipline me like a child.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 16/10/2023 13:23

I'd be really annoyed at the Saturday flight home and I would be insisting DH speaks to his boss to get that rearranged.

But being cold with him about the work trip is really not on, and you know it. It's work, not a jolly.

CountryCob · 16/10/2023 13:26

This happens to me and I understand why you are stressed with it. Do appreciate FIL as I wouldn't have that extent if support and it gets really hard....

CharlotteBog · 16/10/2023 13:35

Can you imagine a woman telling her boss " change the flight, I need to go home on Friday night to do the dishes, my husband can't handle the kids " 😂😂

No, I would say "boss, you changed the flight without asking me, I am unable to fly on Saturday" - assuming Saturday is not a contracted work day.

Ragwort · 16/10/2023 13:38

Sausage how would you 'insist' that your DH spoke to his boss to get the flight changed? Hmm If my DH spoke to me like that I would not be impressed.

Its such an extreme reaction to a minor inconvenience...and how come a teacher cannot entertain her own DC for an hour? And don't make such an issue out of 'preparing' dinner ... surely with two professional salaries you can stock up on decent freezer meals or grab a takeaway?

Dulra · 16/10/2023 13:39

Pull your big girl pants up and get on with it fgs. All this stress and catastrophising is not helping you or changing the situation in any way. My dh has always had to travel a bit with work to the states , I also work, we got married 18 years ago and our jobs and life have changed a lot since then so to say you wouldn't have married him if you thought he'd have to travel with work bizarre.

Deep breaths you'll get through it and it will not be as bad as you think it will. Making your dh feel guilty about this is childish and unhelpful

SallyWD · 16/10/2023 13:39

Just make life easier for yourself. If you're working late one day get yourselves a take away. Other nights do easy food like pasta, pesto and grated cheese. If its a hassle to go to drama then miss it for one week. Simplify.
My DH is away a lot and I don't give it a second thought. I've been away twice this month and my DH (an academic with a stressful job and long hours) just got on with it. I would have been gobsmacked if he started treating me coldly because I had a work trip. We've never had any family nearby to help.

TTCnewbies · 16/10/2023 13:41

Gosh if my partner was cold with me for 2 days over a work trip that I had jo control over I'd be pretty upset.
Is it annoying? Yes.
Is it just something that happens sometimes? Also yes.
He's not swaning off on a jolly, he's working and sometimes these things happen. You have a solution (FIL)
The house doesn't need to be spotless and you could skip drama for one day.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/10/2023 13:46

I never, and I mean never side with a man in these threads, but this is his job, he next to never travels with it, it’s out of his control, and OP, you’re coming off as stroppy and controlling.

You’re sailing close to the wind of abuse with silent treatment, too.

Redbrickrebel · 16/10/2023 13:46

YABU really, you should have a plan in place for when there is only one of you available to look after the kids.

Many parents have to look after kids on their own, it just needs a bit of organisation and realistic standards .

Saying the house is a tip and that the kids need bathing - yeah that's completely normal for loads of single parent households.

I think you have something to think about, because you need to have a plan in lace if one one of you had to go into hospital etc.

I get that you're annoyed, but this isn't an insurmountable situation. It's an inconvenience to leading to a longer day for you, that's it.

UnconventionalLife · 16/10/2023 13:49

Some of the responses here are bonkers! My dh is in Asia now, left 5am last Tuesday and will be home Thursday. We have dc and I work full time in a pressured job.

I have travelled internationally 6 times for work so far this year, with 1 more trip to go.

We pull together to make it work between us. Because we know it's important and because we both enjoy travelling for work.

DH always travelled a bit for work since dc were tiny and sometimes, if things aligned, we'd get to go with him

This week has been more hassle than a normal week for us, but it's not the end of the world. Our dc are older now too but this was also fairly normal when they were little.

We have no family closer than 2hr drive so no family help. We figured it out.

I would be incredibly pissed off with dh if he made it difficult for me to travel and vice versa.

I think you are massively over reacting OP. Perhaps there's a dinner on the Friday night with clients? Maybe your dh's boss felt it would be good to have some time to follow up on a few days of intense meetings?

It's really not the end of the world and he does not deserve silent treatment or stand-off-ish-ness

EverestMilton · 16/10/2023 13:49

I think you are being a bit OTT. It's a one off. For context I flew back from week European work trip Friday and DH flew off immediately for 10 day Asia work trip Saturday...... this is not our normal but we've survived. Book a one off cleaner, order a takeaway, ditch the drama club for one session, take all the help FIL will give and if they run amok for a short while just let it go. Everyone fed, no one dead and you're winning.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2023 13:49

Mountain, meet molehill.

Sorry, but you're being ridiculously dramatic. Order takeaways, keep mealtimes very simple, skip the drama club if it's too much.

theleafandnotthetree · 16/10/2023 13:49

OhComeOnFFS · 16/10/2023 12:47

That would really piss me off. On Friday night when you're clearing up all the mess the children have made under your FIL's supervision, he and his boss will be having drinks and dinner and a nice relaxing evening. He still could have said to his boss, "It's OK, I need to get home on Friday night" and changed his flight.

So what? It's not a race to the bottom and people in a couple are individually allowed to enjoy themselves and take those opportunities. And I'm the least 'natural' mother I know yet don't seem to find parenting my own children nearly so much of a trauma as some on here. I actually quite enjoy it lots of the time, what's the point otherwise?

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 13:51

SausageAndEggSandwich · 16/10/2023 13:23

I'd be really annoyed at the Saturday flight home and I would be insisting DH speaks to his boss to get that rearranged.

But being cold with him about the work trip is really not on, and you know it. It's work, not a jolly.

WHY? Why would you be so annoyed?

When you are not expected to cancel any plans,
not expected to change your work schedule because you have help?

And don't get me started on the ridiculous and controlling behaviour "insisting" they come home on Friday. No woman would be told to tolerate this from her husband!

Wendysfriend · 16/10/2023 13:52

It's a one off, I'd let it go. These things happen to us all. Cancel what you can, one week of missing some things won't be the end of the world. You don't need to bath the kids every night, your fil is very good stepping in, especially the early hours.

Mikimoto · 16/10/2023 13:52

I thought it was going to be about DH going to Asia alone for 6 months or something! When in fact it's about a normal week in the life of some normal people...

Not sure what the kids actually do in the house to destroy it in an hour....and maybe take some iron pills for those tiring 11-5 work days?

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 13:52

If the house is not of your standard after your FIL generously give free childcare, pay for a nanny and contract her hours to include bath time and bedtime.

Purpleyogamat · 16/10/2023 13:54

So what if the circumstances were different, let's say DH was poorly and had to be in hospital over a weekend? Would you not speak to him as punishment then? He's going on a work trip, not a lads weekend to Magaluf!

It sounds like a one-off and you do have a solution, even if it's one that you are not 100% happy with. Just try and be thankful that DH has a reliable job and steady income and that you have family around who are able to help.

I guess they'll be a fair few antsy, single parents reading this and desperately resisting the urge to tell you to crack on with it and stop being such a martyr!

Sunnyjac · 16/10/2023 13:58

Haven't RTFT but your DH seems very much a passenger in this. What's he saying to his boss? Has he pointed out that he has family commitments that need to be worked around or is he merrily agreeing to everything without a thought for you? Every working parent has to consider the wider implications of work trips, your DH included. You're not unreasonable to be questioning what he has said to his boss about this and whether he sees himself as equally responsible for the children or whether he sees childcare as being your problem to sort.